First paragraph of a short story.Please tell me it's awful,it'll save me finishing it

dead-bob

There’s nothing to do here at the end of the world. There hasn’t been for years. Everything is boring now. We’ve committed all the arson, vandalised all the churches (in spite, honestly), played all the games and even read most of the books. We’re the damned and I guess that’s what we get but it doesn’t stop it being annoying. When God turned up and ended the world that Thursday evening it was pretty much a shock to everyone. God was pretty matter of fact about the whole thing. He got bored, wanted to start something new somewhere else. You know how god was. Well you don’t really I suppose. It was different to what everyone expected. There was no fire and ice. No seven headed dragon riding prostitutes. Lots of uber-religious people got the short end of the judgement stick. The Amish got done, Buddhists too. No one really knows why, I can’t supply you with a rich back story. God was pretty quick about the whole thing. Appeared to everyone at once and told them their deal. I’m calling it god because it’s simpler. Truthfully I don’t know what it was. It was wearing three quarter lengths and a plain black shirt. Dressed for comfort, I suppose. That’s just for me though, apparently it was different for others. A girl I spoke to yesterday said it was a big diamond although she could be have just been trying to impress me. I don’t know why she’d bother; whatever’s wrong with me is probably wrong with her too. We still haven’t figured out a common connection. You see some went to heaven, some went to hell but some of us stayed here. On earth. At first I thought it was the Atheist thing. That would make some kind of sense. A great way for a god to spit in our eyes, we thought. But then I found that outpost of terrified Mormons on the third day who thought whatever it was (we mostly call it the janitor) was the great deceiver. What strength of belief those lunatics had. They were tearing the flesh off each others faces and carrying out rituals they were making up as they went along. At least that was interesting. It’d be even more interesting to see them now, five years later. Long after they found out they couldn’t die. No matter what you do you cannot die. I suppose its cause everywhere is full. Murder tried to kill himself pretty soon after the whole thing happened. Murder changed his name. He used to be called Ted. Honestly, I preferred Mark. I told him, I said “That’s bent Mark, I’m not calling you murder”. Ted looked at me and made some speech about a “new name for a new world”. ****ing Mark, such a ridiculous person; he thinks he’s in Escape from New York. He’s no Snake Pilsen man; he’s not even one of the extras. Still, it makes him happy so I do it anyway. I thought it would be awkward when we met new people, him having such a stupid name. Apparently though, a lot of people changed their name. Lots of people bought into the idea that this was some movie in which they could be heroes. They probably imagined themselves impressive, strong, leather-clad and beauteous. Heroes with clear skin and perfect sexual organs. I bet they were disappointed. All those Ravens, Flacons and Darknesses, doing what everyone else is doing. Trying as hard as the rest of us not to go insane with boredom. So anyway, here’s what happened the first time Murder jumped:

smcgiff

Quite liked it I'm afraid. The storyline is the strength here. And, surprisingly enough, it's original (cue the, 'Oh, no it's not brigade ) for me.

The one strange sentence in it was 'I can’t supply you with a rich back story.' Are you being lazy here and is it just a cop out. If you're trying to ignore something you think the leader might be interested in, you might be best served to ignore it than use that line.

One other thing, and I'm not adverse to four letter words, but in this instance it was reading okay without it, but adding a four letter word limits its audience. Up until that point anyone could have read it - well, unless you were a sensitive Mormon.

Nice one - Keep it up.

ClassicDisaster

...Firstly, thats not a paragraph. Its bloody huge, it was hard to read because it wasnt broken up.

The story was ok, it was a little bit choppy and I didnt like the description of "god"

Lots of the words...I just didnt like.

To be perfectly honest i wouldnt keep reading.

Jack Sheehan

Nah he's got something here. Finish it i say. Though you should format it better next time.

HoldOnTight

Liked the idea...keep going i say.

My only concern is that it seems almost too casual and blase (not sure about the spelling there!). The narrator seems almost reluctant to speak and I found it a bit off-putting. But, maybe that was your intention in order to reiterate the boring atmosphere that was suggested in the first sentence.

I actually quite liked it. The description of God was quite interesting; good idea of him appearing to each person at once, having a different form each time. The main characters description reminded me of God, the Devil and Bob

Your paragraph needs some shaping though, as it did make it quite difficult to read.

Murder changed his name. He used to be called Ted. Honestly, I preferred Mark

I thought that was pretty funny.

The_Minister

Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.

Good ideas (sorta), but it needs tightening.

N1njapirate

Liked the idea, but not the writing. Descriptions are poor.. Alot could be done with this..

I think it would do better as a novel, rather than a short story.. That 'paragraph' should be changed into a 3rd person prologue, and then chapter one narrated in the first person, if that's how you wish to go..

I played something out in my head like this before.. But mine did surround the whole Apocalyse/Christian thing.. at least that's how it was going to go for the first draft or two!

McGinty

Hi Op

I also liked it, it even made me laugh in parts, I agree with the poster who said use it as a novel, you could really go to town with this story, it is an original story with an interesting take, yes editing is required but I am guessing this is a first draft. The reason I say it should be a novel rather than a short story is because it would be hard to condense all that into a short story format. Out of interest do you have a plot outline for the short story, does it have an ending? (in your head I mean) because the paragragh did waver a bit with murder, (again a really good idea giving murder a number of names but also personifying murder itself as a character, a good move) I say go for it.

JesusWlksDisWay

Yep, really liked the idea, could be an interesting story, or film (no harm in dreaming!).

dublinario

Very enjoyable and refreshing dead-bob. I'd run with it!

maninamousesuit

Great premise..Love the whole idea..No one that i know has ever gone there before...But one thing. I reads as if its told at breakneck speed. Go over again and pace the lines out. Sub-paragrapgh it . Lets see you write.If we dont get the pause we cant see the quality. Read i out loud into a tape. Play it back and see where the human voice makes the breaks in the narrative. But the most important thing i can say is DO NOT STOP WRITING!!!!. Its a cracker of an idea. THe maninamousesuit is waiting with bated breath for more!

greatscott

Reminds me in style and story of a Coupland book, can't remember which one. I would suggest you mix some heavier tone in with the light sarcasm like Coupland does - and paragraphs man!

elleA

I agree with most of the posts above. Cool idea/concept but I think the piece needs tightening. I like the casual/sarcastic style of it but it almost reads as if it was something you just wrote down one day and didn't bother editing.
Re-read it, re-structure it and then keep writing. I'd love to read more!

summer_ina_bowl

really cool concept! i agree that it could do with being filled out a bit and paced properly though! i'd like to see it finished as a short story - i'm sure you have some kind of plot and i'd love to see it out!

Livvie

It's an original idea I think - but please break it up into smaller paragraphs. It's very offputting to read like that.

Morva

Excellent. Funny, original, thought-provoking, but the spelling is atrocious. That, of course, can easily be fixed. Kind of reminds me of Neil Gaiman mixed with the stream-of-consciousness style - some famous Irish writer or other. . . Oh, it's Snake Pliskin, by the way. Anyhow, keep at it. May not work as a short story, or even a full-length novel (too intense, I think), but as a novelette (somewhere between the two) would be great. Even as a confirmed Christian, I thoroughly enjoyed it, so that says quite a bit about your writing! Maninamousesuit is absolutely right!