friend depressed re house

LegacyUser

My friend is very depressed cos he cannot buy house all his friends where he lives have their own house. He won't listen to words like 'rent' and is obsessed

ballooba

Maybe you hould show him the maths of renting Vs buying. It's likely that renting would be cheaper than an interest only mortgage and the price of the house is probably falling. So if he bought he would actually be losing money hand over fist. Tell him to rent and save the balance until the price reaches a level he can buy at.

smiler26

I felt like that a couple of yrs ago, but I since decided that Ireland is a bit obsessed with being land/house owners compared to the rest of Europe. Depends on your friends situation really, but I'm single and child-free, so right now, I don't see the point in buying property. Prices are at an all time high, and it serves no purpose other than being able to say when I'm 65, 'I own this'.

It also gives me the freedom to relocate if I want. Don't get me wrong, I pay over €1000 in rent each month, but to me it's not money down the drain, it pays for my accommodation. For someone in my situation, I see far more advantages in renting v buying. But, from experience I also know that a certain proportion of Irish ppl look down their noses at this. IF I were to buy, mortgage payment would be more than my rent, I would have to live miles away (thus no social life), if per chance my car had trouble etc, I would be screwed to pay for it. Not to mention a big plumbing/household issue that I couldn't just get my landlord to pay for.

OK, I'm done

tritium

Hi Op

If your friend really feels strongly about buying then why don't you suggest he looks at the various schemes for affordable housing and shared ownership that are available from his local council. theres generally something available for most income groups, with case V houseing being available to anyone, though theres a considerable bigger demand than supply, and so a long waiting list. The downside is that your friend may not get exactly what he wants whare he wants but for several people I know its enabled them to get a foot on that ladder

punchestown

smiler26 wrote: »

.

It also gives me the freedom to relocate if I want. Don't get me wrong, I pay over €1000 in rent each month,

:eek::eek::eek:

Madness, unless its a 2 bed penthouse apartment in D4. What in gods name are you wasting 12k a year on rent for? By foregoing a bit of luxury and location, you could/should be only paying about 1/3 of that, thus saving 8k a year, that over a period of time would take a huge chunk off a mortgage!

dudara

Do not bring the rent vs mortgage argument into this forum. It's been done to death on the Accomodation forum.

dudara

blah

I think that the comment posted on a thread in AH is what you need to pass on to your friend. It went something like:

People who are thinking about buying a house should be made to read the "Housing bubble bursting" thread in Accommodation (214 pages and counting). After reading that people will have an idea what paying a mortgage for 30 years feels like and will reconsider whether they're getting value for money.

seamus

Clearly your mate has very little to be worrying about if this is depressing him. He sees home ownership as a statement of status and if he doesn't have a house, then everyone else is richer than him.

Show him how much more spare cash he has than his mates, whatever situation he's in right now.

If he's living at home, that's probably what's depressing him more than the not having a house thing. Adult children should not live at home unless there is a need for them to be there. Tell him to rent for 3 or four years, save his extra cash and then buy if he still feels like it.

LegacyUser

tritium wrote: »

Hi Op

If your friend really feels strongly about buying then why don't you suggest he looks at the various schemes for affordable housing and shared ownership that are available from his local council. theres generally something available for most income groups, with case V houseing being available to anyone, though theres a considerable bigger demand than supply, and so a long waiting list. The downside is that your friend may not get exactly what he wants whare he wants but for several people I know its enabled them to get a foot on that ladder

He is on disability and does not qualify

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

Clearly your mate has very little to be worrying about if this is depressing him. He sees home ownership as a statement of status and if he doesn't have a house, then everyone else is richer than him.[/quote} That is an arrogant thing to say no wonder people who are depressed kill themselves. You know nothing of him or what it means to him. Have you a house? why?

seamus wrote: »

If he's living at home, that's probably what's depressing him more than the not having a house thing. Adult children should not live at home unless there is a need for them to be there. Tell him to rent for 3 or four years, save his extra cash and then buy if he still feels like it.

ditto

seamus

Unregpal wrote: »

That is an arrogant thing to say no wonder people who are depressed kill themselves. You know nothing of him or what it means to him.

I gave you my opinion based on the volumes of information that you supplied in your original post.

Perhaps if you expanded a bit more - why can't he buy a house, what about it depresses him so much.

I have to assume that if the only information you supply is that this guy is your mate, then he's probably mid-twenties, in good health, in a job paying the average wage, generally happy with life and enjoys himself with his mates.

If any of that is wrong, then tell us, because we're not psychic.

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

I gave you my opinion based on the volumes of information that you supplied in your original post.

OK fair enough, it was a bit short, sorry i jumped in his defense as I see the pain he is in

seamus wrote: »

I have to assume that if the only information you supply is that this guy is your mate,

yes good pal

seamus wrote: »

then he's probably mid-twenties,

He is 45
i

seamus wrote: »

n good health,

He is in bad health and has been for a decade

seamus wrote: »

in a job paying the average wage,

He is on disability

seamus wrote: »

generally happy with life and enjoys himself with his mates.

Not happy obsessed with loss

seamus wrote: »

Perhaps if you expanded a bit more - why can't he buy a house, what about it depresses him so much..

As you might gather from the above he can't buy a house because he is on welfare. He will not the loans from the council like shared owenership either. He is not happy and does not socialise because he says he does not want to meet people as they all own their houses and he feels.... dispossessed.*. I suppose. He says it is not fair that he got sick and missed the chance to buy. I know people can accept that but he can't and I would not class him as being self pitying either. It just was a dreeam of his and he feels it was stolen by his illness. He now does not want to go to other people houses because it reminds him of his loss.

* I am not sure what word to use

jdivision

He's not depressed that he can't buy a house. He might be depressed but it's not over that.

OP there is a section in affordable housing I think that allocates a certain amount of units to people with disabilities. Section M perhaps (off the top of my head). If he really wants to buy a place he should look into that.

seamus

As jdivision says, it's probably more that he's not specifically upset about not being able to buy a house, but rather it's a focus for his unhappiness. Perhaps he thinks that owning his own property will somehow make all of his unhappiness go away, this is why he obsesses about it.

You don't say what kind of illness he suffered, but I gather it encompasses some sort of physical "loss", such as being confined to a wheelchair. Perhaps he's using the "loss" of the opportunity to buy a house as a means to vent his frustration at losing his physical capability - that if he manages to get a house, that his loss is somehow lessened.

Did he go through much counselling or other treatment after his illness? If so, does he still attend? Physical impairment, particularly after an illness or accident, I've heard is akin to bereavement in many ways and if it's not properly dealt with, can continue to manifest in odd ways for many years.

LegacyUser

jdivision wrote: »

He's not depressed that he can't buy a house. He might be depressed but it's not over that.

afraid your wrong there

jdivision wrote: »

OP there is a section in affordable housing I think that allocates a certain amount of units to people with disabilities. Section M perhaps (off the top of my head). If he really wants to buy a place he should look into that.

No there is no option to buy for someone on welfare, how could he repay even a low cost loan or half as in shared owenership? The only thing for disabled is some voluntary houses and these cannot be bought ever as they are the propertry of the voluntary organisation

JuliusCaesar

Maybe what he really needs is secure long-term rent-controlled housing.

It's the absense of this on the Irish scene which causes the obsession with ownership here as opposed to the Continent, where there are some very strict regulations regarding rental housing.

Is he living with his paretns? What provisionis there for him if they die? Is he living in private rented accommodation? (In which case he will have no security) Is he living in Council accommodation? Is he living in an assisted living facility?

gamer

well if you can afford 1000 a month rent ,then you afford to buy a house or apartment ,look at i,m an adult get me out of here,you may need to rent out one room, theres no tax on one room rentals.ITS an economic decision .Prices are going down now.

nurburgking

Not getting into teh rental debate but if he is depressed about this then he needs to come to terms with his own inadequacey. If you are poor/ a failure you need to except this and move on with your life.

jdivision

Unregpal wrote: »

afraid your wrong there

I seriously doubt it. He might blame that but I would almost guarantee you that there's something else going on and as a result the person is focusing on the house.

jdivision

nurburgking wrote: »

Not getting into teh rental debate but if he is depressed about this then he needs to come to terms with his own inadequacey. If you are poor/ a failure you need to except this and move on with your life.

You sir are a dick

nurburgking

Attack the post JDivision.

Its an important point I made and a valid one. I myself have been struggling with similar issues as does everybody at some point in there life. When you realise that you just might not be as successful as you thought when you were 16 and having to deal with that dissapointment.

Marksie

Jdivision: Banned 1 week Personal abuse

BurburgKing Leave the modding to the moderators.
If you have a problem with the post use the report post function.

I have warned you in a previous thread based on people repoting your posts in PI.
You are walking on thin ice, so I suggest you read the charter

LegacyUser

nurburgking wrote: »

Not getting into teh rental debate but if he is depressed about this then he needs to come to terms with his own inadequacey. If you are poor/ a failure you need to except this and move on with your life.

Please do not insult my friend who, whatever else he is is not a failure. you might be so kind as to refrain from such comments? Thanks

seamus

Don't worry about him he a troll. He's saying that to intentionally irritate you.

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

Don't worry about him he a troll. He's saying that to intentionally irritate you.

All right then thank you

marthaclark

you could always point out to him all the good things he has in his life.

after all, it could be worse, he could be homeless.

as in.. living on the streets.

LegacyUser

marthaclark wrote: »

you could always point out to him all the good things he has in his life.

after all, it could be worse, he could be homeless.

as in.. living on the streets.

Do You have a house.If you do how would you feel if someone were to point out to all the good things you had in your life when you were upset about it?

gamer

UNless hes a very low earner he can go 50/50 on a property somewhere in dublin . eg get 2mortgages ,120k,on a 240k house,he,ll need 2solicitors, draw up full agreement re ,what happens in ten years if some1 wants to leave the house,theres always houses down the country going cheap,if you want to commute.DONT EXPECT to get a house down the road from your family.THERES 1bed houses out there too.

LegacyUser

gamer wrote: »

UNless hes a very low earner .

Did you not read it? He is on disability allowance.

marthaclark

Unregpal wrote: »

Do You have a house.If you do how would you feel if someone were to point out to all the good things you had in your life when you were upset about it?

no i do not have a house. far from it. I have had the risk of homelessness hanging over me for much of the latter part of my teens.

which is why i say thank your blessings.

spinandscribble

could he not train in IT or something? i understand he has a disability but there are ways of working if you havnt the use of your legs/back (im assuming here he still has the use of his hands). i feel for your mate i do but this problem wont be solved until he gets a job.

LegacyUser

marthaclark wrote: »

no i do not have a house. far from it. I have had the risk of homelessness hanging over me for much of the latter part of my teens.

which is why i say thank your blessings.

But at 21 you can advise someone who is over twice your age. Parhaps you should wait another 25 years and see if you still want to count your blessings if you do not have a house then

spinandscribble

OP if thats your attitude maybe you should find a forum for over 40 year olds if anyones advice under that is useless to you.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote: »

OP if thats your attitude .

I do not have an attitude but am trying to resolve a practical issue

spinandscribble wrote: »

Maybe you should find a forum for over 40 year olds if anyones advice under that is useless to you.

With much respect,you must remember that things are different where my friend is than you. You have your life ahead of you and good for you but in terms of the problem at hand, well if it was as easy as telling him to count blessings I would have done so. This is not meant as a smart comment but simply stating fact. Thanks for your efforts

Victor

OK, chill folks.

spinandscribble

i did not ask him to count his blessings actually or suggest him to do so, its not something i would have said because his is under difficult circumstances.

i dont know what we can say to you, i've asked what his disability is that way we could better suggest how he could get help. if its a bad back, then working from home, telephone or IT work IS an option. if he's got no arms, well, thats a different story..

marthaclark

sounds to me like the OP doesn't want advice.

if your friend has all the answers and does not require the perspective of someone in a similiar position.. i don't know what anyone can say. i might not be the same age as him, but you asked for an opinion. I'm sorry I didn't meet all your unsaid poster criteria :rolleyes:

my point is, you can't always get what you want. that's life. it's half full and it's half empty. it's harsh and it's sugar coated. but essentially it's the same thing.

have you read the secret? that's a book he might be interested in. sometimes you have to stop concentrating what you don't have and be happy for what you do. it doesn't mean you don't want more.. but the wisdom to accept the things he cannot change might give him the strength to change the things he can change. like his outlook, or mood.

if he had nothing to lose, I'd say fine, feel miserable and meaningless, but it's not going to make him feel better. if that's what he wants, that's fine... It's just the fact that he isn't homeless, starving, or destitute..(I'm sure there are more positive things in his life other than these three things) maybe you should try to point out these out. He's lucky to have a friend who really wants to help him, even though they probably cannot.

i'm not trivialising the situation.. I think maybe he is the one making little of his situation. i hope that doesn't sound harsh but.. there are so many people worse off in this world. if renting is his only viable option, he has two options about how to proceed from here.. feel miserable, or accept it and be glad he has a roof over his head. we can't always get what we want.

this is what you call perspective.

you keep stating that he can't afford to buy a house, and he can't accept this, what do you actually want people to say? Sounds like he needs a reality check. There's no point being miserable because reality doesn't bend to your will. I'd love my reality to bend to my will, but it won't. I can make small important changes, yes, but there are a lot of things completely outside of my control. everyone in the world has to come to terms with this (as far as I can see), be they paris hilton or stephen hawking.

Firetrap

I suspect the OP's friend has a few things he needs to come to terms with. Not being able to buy a house is just a manifestation of several things that aren't right in his life. Does he have a poor quality of life? Was he always disabled? Does he have friends who look down on him because he's not working or hasn't got much money? Does he get depressed easily?

Honestly, he needs to downgrade his expectations of what he's going to get from life. I'm speaking as the friend of someone who can no longer work because of an illness and now exists on disability. He's going to have to get real about his circumstances and come to terms with it. And that includes no house.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote: »

i did not ask him to count his blessings actually or suggest him to do so, its not something i would have said because his is under difficult circumstances.

Sorry mixed you up with someone else. My apolgies

LaVidaLoca

"Jdivision: Banned 1 week Personal abuse

BurburgKing Leave the modding to the moderators.
If you have a problem with the post use the report post function.

I have warned you in a previous thread based on people repoting your posts in PI.
You are walking on thin ice, so I suggest you read the charter

Jesus. I have never seen such a heavily moderated board anywhere else on the internet. How do you expect people to have a bit of lively debate without the odd slanging match?

Ill probably get banned for saying this too.

dudara

LaVidaLoca

This is the Personal Issues forum. Due to the sensitive nature of items under discussion on this forum we take things seriously. This approach is clearly outlined in the forum charter located to the top of this forum. Please take the time to read the charter and familiarise yourself with how things work here.

Generally boards is an easy going place and other forums are more tolerant of a bit of banter. Always read a forum's charter to understand it's dynamic.

If you have any issues with moderating in Personal Issues, please contact one of the moderators via PM, or raise a thread in the Feedback forum. Please do not clutter threads in PI with off-topic comments.

dudara

promethius

could he not train in IT or something? i understand he has a disability but there are ways of working if you havnt the use of your legs/back

This is a good idea and could help him find the independence he needs

ballymary

i think alot of young irish people fell into that peer pressure thing of having to buy a house over the last few yrs-why??? ive friends who bought houses they didnt even like in places that they didnt want to live-that were not convenient to them...why??? to say they own a house (when in reality the bank owns it!) they are now paying a big mortgage on a house that has lost value...all to "get on the housing ladder"!!! why did people let themselves get caught up in the mania of it all??? its like david mcwilliams was on about with people going through patio / decking etc nonsense crazes...its all about status and at the end of the day do i give a s#!t if ted down the road has a few slabs of stone or planks of rotting timber at the back of his house...or do i now care if hes up to his eyeballs in debt and he doesnt realise how fragile his job in some US pharmacutical or computer firm is?? nope...i dont understand why people feel they have to own a house just because their friends are doing it and ive no sympathy for the thousands of eejits who fell into the obsession over the last few yrs and are now regretting it...and dont get me started on the fools who were "snapping up" property in feckin bulgaria and hungary...for gods sake....

gamer

IF HES on disability allowance,in dublin, tell him go on housing list,in 3-4 years he,ll get a flat from the corporation ,rent 2oeuro approx,specify ballymun and he,ll likely get a brand new apartment,go to threshold for more information,they have a website.

Athina

nurburgking wrote: »

Not getting into teh rental debate but if he is depressed about this then he needs to come to terms with his own inadequacey. If you are poor/ a failure you need to except this and move on with your life.

I have never before heard a more absurd statement:(

Bottle_of_Smoke

Not getting into teh rental debate but if he is depressed about this then he needs to come to terms with his own inadequacey. If you are poor/ a failure you need to except this and move on with your life.

There is a point in this, replace inadequacy with circumstances & a failure with unfortunate & it makes perfect sense. (Change the spelling of except of course )

Your friend isn't going to own a home, just not going to happen. I'm never going to be a professional football player/doctor & very unlikely to own a home in Dublin.

Depression is tough but your mate's just gonna get worse until he accepts his circumstances & makes the best of them.

gamer

The corpo tend to give new flats to people on disability or a ground floor flat,in a 20 unit small complex with hi security areas,there are charitys to help him find housing or part time work if he wishes.

dudara

ballymary Please read the charter with regard to posting in this forum. Also, if you are going to post in a thread, please note any moderator's comments that have been made. I previously warned posters not to start the tired property buying debate, which you ignored.

dudara

foxy06

If he is on disability for the last 10 years he is likely to be on it for a long time in future and so he needs to accept that he will probably not be able to buy his own house. The problem is the fact that he is depressed and 45 is a very young age to be on disability so I would imagine that this is upsetting him a lot. If he was working before and now he isn't then he has lost a circle of work friends and may feel inadaquate when he is around friends in employment. He needs to deal wiith his depression and hopefully as time goes bu he will be less worried about buying a house.