Making the First Approach

LegacyUser

I was in a club on Saturday night with a friend. I went to the toilet and when I came back my friend was talking to a girl. She went away soon after I walked over. About 10 minutes later she came back to where we were with her gorgeous friend and they danced. I was telling my friend to approach the other girl but he wasn't really into her.

The good looking friend was getting plenty of attention. One English guy went up to her and a few minutes later he came over to me and said "you lucky bastard". They were dancing so close to where we were standing that it must have looked like we were couples. I told him that I wasn't with her and he just laughed. It was only then that I realised how obvious it was that these 2 girls wanted us to go and talk to them. I pussied out of it and just told my mate that the other girl was obviously into him but again he wasn't having any of it. The night went on and nothing happened in the end.

I wouldn't really get nervous talking to a girl but it's just that I wouldn't know what to say. It's interesting because I've no problems talking to foreign girls because I tend to have a lot more to say. With Irish girls it's "where are you from" "are you working?" and then I'm lost.

I remember seeing a guy on Tubridy promoting a book about this kind of thing and I'm tempted now to go and buy it. It can't do any harm. I really am full of regrets today. I've only had 1 girlfriend but that was from the age of 16-19 so it was obviously different getting girls at that age. Still though, I go to lunch every day with a girl in my job and we're never short of a good conversation. She's Danish. It's a strange one and I actually think it's the same for most men.

WildIrishRose

The next woman you see and like.. go for it. Dance, have fun etc. My pet hate is when a guy comes to chat me up when it is obvious that he is drunk.....so have a few drinks for dutch courage if needed but dont go up to her plastered. Now she may have a boyfriend or may she wont be interested but she will be flattered by your attention.. thats what i think anyway.
Good Luck!

Overheal

Anytime someone says "you lucky bastard" or "why are you still here?" [after she leaves] - its a clear sign you've done something right

fortunately [at the time] I had her number

Drodan

The book is called "The Game", I wouldn't recomend it. Ok it may help you get laid a couple times but it basically teaches guys to treat girls terribly, I know people who have used it to start relationships and they have all been doomed.

Chances are you'll meet someone in everyday life, don't look too hard for "signs" as sometimes they arn't always intended the way they appear to be.

podge79

i wouldnt worry too much you bound to meet women who are "interested"the unfortunate side effect is 95% will screw you over 3% will be interested in something you have eg money etc etc and the remaining 2% will be friends

sobriquet

StuckForWords wrote: »

With Irish girls it's "where are you from" "are you working?" and then I'm lost.

But what do you chat to your mates about when you're out? Same stuff applies I reckon. If she likes you you can say anything within reason so long as it doesn't drag on too long. What's she working at? Where etc, are the people nice, get to travel much blah blah blah. It's like the tenets of How to win friends and influence people - you can't fake an interest, you have to be interested. For every statement there's always a few questions.

StuckForWords wrote: »

I really am full of regrets today.

Yeah it's a crap feeling alright. Still, there'll be more opportunities. Except when you think you're on great form and go out full of confidence and feeling like you could chat to anyone, then no-one'd so much as spit at you. Funny how that works. I think the universe tends toward maximum irony.

Oh yeah, that art of seduction stuff is creepy as feck, can't say I'd be keen on having a go.

dudara

podge79 please post only if you have some helpful contributions to make.

dudara

MattKid

The least creepy stuff out there is on www.charismaarts.com It's based on creating decent social interactions rather than manipulation that some of the others seem to be about.

estar

havent i met you somewhere before

are you having a good night

did you go to X college you look very familiar
(ok im getting stuck for words also thats similiar to no.2)

something, simple, non cheesy and polite that throws her a conversational
hook if she wants to catch it.

and if she doesnt - her loss!!!


if i were you i would make a point of making conversations with
strangers. lose the fear of it. at bus stops. in queues.
little comments - its so easy. and who cares if some of the time
people think you are mental. other times you will have a great chat.
and once you lose the fear of just starting conversations in general
talking to a pretty girl you may or may not actually like once you
get to talk to her, will seem less daunting.

BubbleWrap85

Sorry but "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" and "Did you go to X college you look very familiar" sounds a bit cheesy to me, next you're going to come out with something like "Nice legs,what time do they open?" or "Is your name Gilette, cuz you're the best a man can get!" Aside from that, I'd say tis a first I've heard of a lad chickening out of going over to a girl in a niteclub. Then again I'm of the (possibly) warped opinion that if she was so fantastically gorgeous that other men were noticing, either 1)There weren't many women out 2) She was probably aware that she's beautiful and would more than likely have made the move on you if she was interested. Then again, they say "if it's too good to be true, it probably is".

tritium

OP, imho the hardest bits are usually making the initial approach and dealing with periods of silence early on (when 5 seconds seems like forever). There's not really a right way to go about it (thought there is definitely a wrong way!), so really I'd play around with stuff people suggest until you find something you're comfortable with.

For my 2c, once you get past the original approach stuff I'd keep things general with open questions- basically the difference between "are you having a good night?" (not so good since yes/no is an option) and "hows your night been so far?" (better since it encourages a slightly more detailed response, though it can still be improved upon). Basically its about stretching the interaction and not coming across as an interrogator.

Remember that when you first meet someone you know exactly zero about them, and if you're interested in them then the objective is to improve from there. Since a) you know nothing about them, and b) they've had a whole lifetime of experiences, trust me you have plenty you can talk to them about. If they're interested in you vice versa also applies. Start with small stuff that doesn't scream obsession, such as how their night is going, if they've been somewhere before the current place, whats the occasion if they appear to be a party etc....

Two things to remember, firstly not everyone who you talk to will want to talk back. Some have boyfriends, some aren't interested, some have been hassled by too many guys that night already, and a million other reasons. Don't take it personally, just let it go and chalk it down as another person you (briefly) interacted with - which is good

Second is even if no-one talks back to you, you still came closer to meeting someone than if you hadn't tried or waited for your friends to do the work - been there (both sides), doesn't work!

If it helps think of it as purely a (non-sexually oriented) social game where the objective is to simply chat to a few (or lots) of people during the course of a night. I'm guessing you wouldn't ask your friend to start chatting to some bloke beside you about the match, so why should chatting to a woman be any different? (btw, the rugby is a surprisingly good non-sexual conversation topic with both sexes at the moment). Play it like that for a while and just get used to talking to people.

Finally you mentioned the book by Neil Strauss called the Game. By all means pick it up (its a good yarn). there's some common sense stuff in there too. Just don't take it too literally. As someone else mentioned it has an approach that may not make you comfortable looking in the mirror in the morning.

Hope this helps and doesn't come across as patronising (its not meant to be!). Good luck

LegacyUser

Cheers for the advice, appreciate the replies. To be perfectly honest even simple things like "so are you enjoying the night" don't run through my head. As silly as it seems even a line like that will help me. From my experience the easiest place to chat to someone would probably be in a queue so maybe I'll try that the next time I'm out.