How to handle a break

Tetra

My boyfriend and I have decided to to take a break (possibly a break-up) and I moved out of our flat this morning and back in with my parents. I'm devastated and can't stop crying. We said we'd give it some time, like three or four weeks to think about things. I have been crying all night and today as well. Does anyone have any advice? I miss him so much.

pookie82

What were the circumstances behind this?? Can you elaborate?? Is it a case of a gradual derailment or did something major cause this break? And was it entirely mutual?? Poor you by the way :-(

estar

my advice is as follows

- no contact is best.
- eat well, get exercise
- make a list of things to do during the month
that you have wanted to do for ages
- write down your feelings, it gets them out of your head and helps
you sleep better
- avoid too much alcohol
- but do meet your friends
- do nice things for people when you can to make yourself feel useful
(this helps me anyway when im feeling down)
- make a point of looking as well as you can even when you dont
want to.
take this time to reflect on the relationship - is it really what you want
or is it just company ?
- get in a load of books to read / DVDs / other distractions.

dont phone him or make contact until the break is over.

a break is a break.

Ruu_Old

The above is good advice. Just keep busy as best you can, it'll take your mind off things anyway. No contact.

jellie

estar wrote: »

my advice is as follows

- no contact is best.
- eat well, get exercise
- make a list of things to do during the month
that you have wanted to do for ages
- write down your feelings, it gets them out of your head and helps
you sleep better
- avoid too much alcohol
- but do meet your friends
- do nice things for people when you can to make yourself feel useful
(this helps me anyway when im feeling down)
- make a point of looking as well as you can even when you dont
want to.
take this time to reflect on the relationship - is it really what you want
or is it just company ?
- get in a load of books to read / DVDs / other distractions.

dont phone him or make contact until the break is over.

a break is a break.

+1. great advice.

keep yourself distracted. maybe pamper yourself? new haircut? massage? etc.

id definitely agree with not contacting him, as hard as it is. make him miss you.

was the break a mutual decision or was it 1 of you?

Tetra

Well there were a few things. We had been drifting apart for a while. I have started a work placement as part of my college course and this is taking up all my time. He is working from home at the moment but he wants to go back to college. His parents were kind of pushing him towards one particular course but he wanted to do something else. He has been in a bad mood lately for a while now and I kept trying to get him to talk to me, but he kept saying to concentrate on my work/studies and he would try to sort himself out. Then yesterday I came home from town and we talked and decided to take a break, but I'm devastated.

Tetra

I suggested the break, but I was hoping it wouldn't come to that. He was surprised at first, but then thought it was a good idea.

,mnb

Tetra wrote: »

Well there were a few things. We had been drifting apart for a while. I have started a work placement as part of my college course and this is taking up all my time. He is working from home at the moment but he wants to go back to college. His parents were kind of pushing him towards one particular course but he wanted to do something else. He has been in a bad mood lately for a while now and I kept trying to get him to talk to me, but he kept saying to concentrate on my work/studies and he would try to sort himself out. Then yesterday I came home from town and we talked and decided to take a break, but I'm devastated.

I'm not sure any of these reasons are a good reason to break up. I think its all about communication. You both seem to be going through stressful times with career etc. and maybe money is tight but thats a phase that passes. If the relationship is worth keeping the relationship should be prioritised not the career. Last night was your first act of communication and it ended in break up. Whereas it should really have worked towards reconciliation. After good communication if it's still not working then maybe you can call it a day. I'm playing devils advocate here but I think it might help you. I would meet him tomorrow night to talk.

Nevyn

It's called a break or a break up cos the relationship is broken.

Have a look at the reasons why and what you would need changed if you were to start a new relationship with him.

Tetra

We had been in rut for a while and we were both so busy that we were living like flatmates. I still love him though, and I am finding it very hard not to text him.

estar

pros of texting

you fulfill your immediate desire to text him
he replies positively
you meet to try again
you stop wanting to text for a second

cons

you wait for a reply
the reply might not be what you want
you dont get a reply for a while and lie awake waiting
you break the idea of a break

why suggest a break you didnt want unless you
were playing a little game of chase? ill run away
will you catch me? thats a risky game.

people dont like games. and if they are wise
dont respond to them.

im not saying you were wrong, but you both
need to say whats on your minds for either this
relationship or future ones. whats the point
if you cant share your fears.

in a real relationship everyone has the fear

WHAT IF THIS DOESNT WORK OUT AND IM WASTING MY TIME?

a good relationship survives honesty.
in a good relationship you share your fears and your desires.

this is your time to reflect, grow and decide how things
would be different if you went out again. and also to
build a little independance after living with someone
that said basically - just focus on you and let me sort out my stuff.
ie - butt out

not so relationship focused of him? whats in that for you?

dont just react to the emotions. think as well.

To be honest i think its a stupid reason to break up or "take a break" You both seem to be very organised with your professional life you havnt tried to organise your relationship. Even once a week both organise time with yourselves for an hour. It seems your relationship was not all that bad to be honest.I think you jumped the gun with the break up.

Really, people these days are too quick to break up. These are the trials and tribulations or relationships. They are not all happy and smelling of roses. There are always going to be the times were they are hard work. Best thing about these hard times is when they are over and things have quietened down you will feel closer to that person and will have gained more trust with them.
Unfortunately alot of relationships dont last that long because work gets in the way, study gets in the way. Lets be honest these are just excuses .

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

To be honest i think its a stupid reason to break up or "take a break" You both seem to be very organised with your professional life you havnt tried to organise your relationship. Even once a week both organise time with yourselves for an hour. It seems your relationship was not all that bad to be honest.I think you jumped the gun with the break up.

Really, people these days are too quick to break up. These are the trials and tribulations or relationships. They are not all happy and smelling of roses. There are always going to be the times were they are hard work. Best thing about these hard times is when they are over and things have quietened down you will feel closer to that person and will have gained more trust with them.
Unfortunately alot of relationships dont last that long because work gets in the way, study gets in the way. Lets be honest these are just excuses .

They are just excuses too! Spot on...

NADA

I think that when People need to take a break they might as well just break up. Probably not what you want to hear!

Overheal

Then you have people that hang on too hard and thats not good either - and then you get ♪ domestic violence ♪ yeah.. for example.

Its not enough though if you're the only one that wants to make it work OP. It takes two, and if he wanted the break then he isn't ready to keep it up. At least not for now, if not ever.

All you can do is follow Estar's guidelines. Eat some ice cream too. Chocolate. Or Peanut butter and Honey sammiches. mmm.... then eat right.

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

It's called a break or a break up cos the relationship is broken.

Exactly and it won't work until you can honestly look at why it's broken and fix it, if that's possible. Even then something has happened in one partner that has made them think the relationship is not for them. You are not for them. That's a pretty big step to take.

NADA wrote:

I think that when People need to take a break they might as well just break up. Probably not what you want to hear!

I have to agree. In my humble break = breakup in 99.9% of cases. It's a way of easing the one who wants the split into not being with the other person. It's a trial run for a permanent split. You can come back from it, but it takes work on both sides. It only works if both want it.

Have a look at the reasons why and what you would need changed if you were to start a new relationship with him.

Very good advice. You need to look at this honestly. Look at the whole picture, look at your partner, but most of all look at yourself and see where the issues actually lay.

Tetra

I am feeling very lonely and still want to text him even though my family keeps saying don't do it. So last night I decided to text his mum instead. We were friends and I would sometimes do this just to say hello etc. But she didn't reply. Now I am becoming very paranoid and I am wondering what are they saying about me, especially bad things. I'm trying to keep busy with other things, but it's very difficult.

John_Mc

Tetra wrote: »

I am feeling very lonely and still want to text him even though my family keeps saying don't do it. So last night I decided to text his mum instead. We were friends and I would sometimes do this just to say hello etc. But she didn't reply. Now I am becoming very paranoid and I am wondering what are they saying about me, especially bad things. I'm trying to keep busy with other things, but it's very difficult.

You didn't text him, but you did text his Mother? I doubt she wants to get involved with this so best off leaving her out of it.

Tetra

Yeah I know you're right.

LegacyUser

You texted his mum? Are you mental? Why would you do something like that?

why would you text his mother.
look, just take it as a break up. at some point maybe in the future, try a date.
let me put it this way.
if you text now, you'll be texting more and more. it'll slip back into exactly as it was before. then yo know all this pain you're going through now? you'll have to go through it all again because it'll go straight back into the rut it was in.

stop obsessing over him, stop for the love of god texting his mother. you said you were busy as well so get on with whatever you were busy with. forget about him for a while.
or you'll have to do all this again.

Tetra

I was lonely and I had run out of friends to call. Anyway we used to text each other every so often. I am busy during the day it's when I get home and have to start preparing for tomorrow that I start feeling down.

estar

although im not so sure im good at it any more
since i found this site! but anyway

just learn to sit and be with yourself
and dont seek constant company

it will be harder at first as you are used to more
company, then it gets better

LegacyUser

I'm a very sociable guy when I want to be and I love being on my own surfing the net, doing whatever now and again...even more so to being out and around people sometimes...

I would say take this opportunity to enjoy your freedom, I will never understand people who always have to be in relationships...enjoy the freedom you have to do whatever you want.