Should I be p-off?

LegacyUser · 22-02-2008 11:54am #1

I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago after 4 years, it was a bad break up and alot of nasty things were said following it. Within in a few days we both apologised profusely and were ashamed of certain things we said to each other. We eventually parted on good terms, wishing each other the best and advised that it would be best if we didnt have any contact as it just prolongs the pain of the actual break up.

We didnt see each each at all over the Christmas and I text him on New Years, telling him Happy new year and that I was thinking of him, I got the exact same back and then a letter a few days later saying thank you for his christmas present (it was no use to me so I sent it to him anyway).

Im pretty much over the whole thing and happy with all aspects of my life right now but one thing has upset me this week and made me feel a bit sh*tty. It was my birthday last Monday. I wasnt expecting a phonecall or anything but did expect a text or maybe a card. Despite us being broken up I DID expect it, and so did everyone else. Not sure how I feel - after me sending him Christmas & new years wishes and not letting any bad blood come between us the least I expected was a 'Happy Birthday'. We always made big deals of each others birthday. I guess this is it for us - there wont be an ounce of contact now. Its a shame after 4 years (we lived together I might add). Im guess Im not looking for advice I just think it was disrespectful on his part? I know he's not with anyone else so - Thoughts?

seamus · 22-02-2008 12:03pm

You're not going out any more. Christmas and New Years' wishes are to some extent impersonal because everybody's happy and wishing eachother greetings.

Birthdays are a bit more personal, so perhaps he either forgot, or more likely decided against it in case you thought there was something more personal in it.

This line says it all really:

I guess this is it for us

You've broken up with him, but you clearly haven't moved on and accepted that it's over. That's why you expected birthday wishes from him. You can really only be annoyed at your own feelings, I don't think he deserves any hassle over it. In fact, since you both had decided that clean break was the best way, he made the right choice to not contact you on your birthday.

Virgil° · 22-02-2008 12:05pm

You both agreed it best not to have any contact though .I dont really see this as being very complicated.

Tommy the Cat · 22-02-2008 12:06pm

Seamus is bang on the button. I've never understood the "lets be friends" vibe.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 22-02-2008 12:06pm

I don't think you should be pi55ed off, but you can fell a bit disappointed. He may have been responding to your new years text and christmas pressie text out of politeness.

To me, it means (and this may be hard to hear) that he has taken the decision that no contact means no contact. As you say yourself, the decision was taken in order to not "prolong the pain" - perhaps he's just sticking to the rule? He's ripping off the band-aid, so to speak?

Remember the good times and move - it sounds like you're strong enough to do this. Hope this helps and thinks work out.

P.

AngryBadger · 22-02-2008 12:09pm

I think you're being unreasonable.

You're broken up, you sent him a present that you didn't need, (i.e. it's not like you put any thought into it), he sent you Christmas/New Years wishes same as you did to him. So what if he forgot your birthday? You're not going out with him, he's not obliged to keep track of these things anymore.

You also say that ye both agreed it would be best if there was little/no contact. Now if I were him I would take that to mean what it says as in LITTLE/NO CONTACT.

YOU message him over christmas/new years then he responded. Sounds to me like he's not interested in communicating with you, as per what you both agreed to, and why should he be? You've broken up.

Do you honestly think you can break up with someone and still have them be a significant aprt of your life, especially given that you both agree contact should be kept to an absolute minimum?

Double standards IMO

LegacyUser · 22-02-2008 12:09pm

Ive more than accepted its over - probably more so than him judging by what his friends have told me.

Still wouldnt hurt to send a text message considering the length of time we were with each other.

It was probably the wrong thing to do by posting my issue on boards.ie. I guess you dont know my relationship with him or maybe I wouldnt have got the predictable response - 'your not over him'.

Thanks anyway.

AngryBadger · 22-02-2008 12:10pm

EDIT - whew don't know why this posted 3 times

Mazeire · 22-02-2008 12:15pm

Hi OP. I broke up with my ex at the end of June last year after seven years. We had no contact except very polite cvil on topic emails about our dog which he had to keep as I moved in to rented accommodation as he owned the house we were living in at the time. My birthday was at the start of november, just over 4 months after the split. I had psyched myself up for not hearing from him, but at 11 pm while I was out with friends for dinner, I recieved a text message. It was from him and I thought "oh wow he's actually going to acknowledge its my birthday!!". The message asked for the number of the dog sitter we used as he was going away on holiday for a week. No mention of my birthday at all. It was such a kick in the guts. I excused myself, went out side and bawled. Some of my friends thought I overeacted but you dont ever have to ask permission to feel anything. You feel what you feel, embrace it, learn from it and move on.
You are in for a bit of a roller coaster emotion wise, and you will feel ambivilant about him one day, love him the next, and hate his guts by the end of the week. All normal. And there will be a lot of firsts like birthdays valentines etc without him when you will be all over the place. All OK too.
Ultimately you both agreed on no contact. This is him respecting that decision you both made. Its a sign of life moving on, which in this situation ,is ultimately a good thing.

Beetlebum · 22-02-2008 12:37pm

Mazeire wrote: »

Hi OP. I broke up with my ex at the end of June last year after seven years. We had no contact except very polite cvil on topic emails about our dog which he had to keep as I moved in to rented accommodation as he owned the house we were living in at the time. My birthday was at the start of november, just over 4 months after the split. I had psyched myself up for not hearing from him, but at 11 pm while I was out with friends for dinner, I recieved a text message. It was from him and I thought "oh wow he's actually going to acknowledge its my birthday". The message asked for the number of the dog sitter we used as he was going away on holiday for a week. No mention of my birthday at all. It was such a kick in the guts. I excused myself went out side and bawled. Some of my friends thought I overreacted but you dont ever have to ask premission to feel anything. You feel what you feel embrace it learn from it and move on.
You are in for a bit of a roller coaster emotion wise and you will feel ambivilant about him one day, love him the next, and hate his guts by the end of the week. All normal. And there willbe a lot of firsts like birthdays valentines etc without him that you will be all over the place. All OK too.
Ultimately you both agreed on no contact its him respecting it. Its a sign of life moving on, which in this situation is ultimately a good thing.

Aaww...it made me feel really sad reading that, it just reminded me of how unbelievably painful break ups can be. Before I went through one myself, I'd witnessed my best friend, who's a bloke, go through an awful time when he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him. He was down for almost two years and at the time I couldn't really understand how somebody could get that upset over a break up and how it could last for two years. Now I understand fully. They are the hardest thing in the world to go through but you always get there in the end. Good advice you've given the OP too about not justifying her feelings to anybody. She should just feel how she feels.

seamus · 22-02-2008 12:43pm

Unreg2122 wrote: »

Still wouldnt hurt to send a text message considering the length of time we were with each other.

I guess it depends on your attitude to such things then. Obviously you expect to be contacted on your birthday by people who know you. I don't. I wouldn't be pissed off at anyone for not contacting me (except maybe for my fiance...).

If I had agreed not to talk to someone, I wouldn't contact them on their birthday.

craichoe · 22-02-2008 12:45pm

Unreg2122 wrote: »

Still wouldnt hurt to send a text message considering the length of time we were with each other.

If your over it and theres nothing there then it shouldn't hurt not to get one either.

OP, your not together anymore, he doesn't owe you anything, you owe him nothing. Hence expect nothing, move on.

Drift · 22-02-2008 12:54pm

It could be that he's not over you OP. I know in my case after a split with someone I remember all the dates off by heart and have to force myself not to get in contact for birthdays and stuff. All he's going to do by sending you a birthday text is prolong his own pain. The chances are he knew well it was your birthday and it may have upset him ..... in those circumstances the very worst thing he could've done is text you and put himself through more pain.

I think you're being a bit selfish. If you cared about him as a friend as much as you claim to you'd recognise he's trying to get over the relationship and you'd be happy for him. Think of it this way .... 20 years down the road when you're both married to other people and have the 2.4 kids etc., do you still expect him to be texting you on your birthday???

AngryBadger · 22-02-2008 1:00pm

EDIT - whew don't know why this posted 3 times

BaZmO* · 22-02-2008 1:02pm

Unreg2122 wrote: »

Ive more than accepted its over

You're obviously not if you're p1ssed off. Are you p1ssed off that other boyfriends didn't send you a "Happy Birthday" text?

Unreg2122 wrote: »

It was probably the wrong thing to do by posting my issue on boards.ie.

Why, because you didn't get a load of replies telling you that you're right to be p1ssed off?

TerrorFirmer · 22-02-2008 1:04pm

Unreg2122 wrote: »

Ive more than accepted its over - probably more so than him judging by what his friends have told me.

Still wouldnt hurt to send a text message considering the length of time we were with each other.

It was probably the wrong thing to do by posting my issue on boards.ie. I guess you dont know my relationship with him or maybe I wouldnt have got the predictable response - 'your not over him'.

Thanks anyway.

All anyone here can offer is advice based on a casual interpetation of what you've told us. What we don't have is true context, and a knowledge of either of you on a personal level. So it's all too easy to make statements that whilst mostly sound advice do not take into account all your circumstances and personal emotions. Advice here should only help you formulate a clear thought process of what you are going through and how to deal with it/approach it, not provide you with a definite plan of action.

You implied yourself that perhaps he's not truly over you in which case contact is only going to prolong his despair and/or give him a sense of potential but false hope. Don't hold it against him. Unless he's actually being specifically disrespectful towards you, the situation seems the best for all involved. If you're truly over him, then it shouldn't hurt you to not recieve something from when everyone else around you has done so. Of course, it could be that you find yourself wondering is it indicitive that he somehow doesn't care for all that you had? But that's not the case, it never is. He probably just needs his own space to deal with things. If it really bothers you, then there is no harm in asking him directly - maybe certain things need to be laid to rest and the relationship decisively closed. I know in the past I've been on-off with a girl for several months and it's never a particularly nice feeling to be in a sort of limbo where nothing seems to be concrete.

Drift · 22-02-2008 1:07pm

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

You implied yourself that perhaps he's not truly over you in which case contact is only going to prolong his despair and/or give him a sense of potential but false hope. Don't hold it against him. Unless he's actually being specifically disrespectful towards you, the situation seems the best for all involved. If you're truly over him, then it shouldn't hurt you to not recieve something from when everyone else around you has done so. Of course, it could be that you find yourself wondering is it indicitive that he somehow doesn't care for all that you had? But that's not the case, it never is. He probably just needs his own space to deal with things.

Very well put terror, that's what I was trying to say but didn't have the right words.

Mazeire · 22-02-2008 1:15pm

Er...could everyone please remeber they were going out 4 years not four seconds, and the amount of time they have been split up is relatively short compared to that.
Yes someone in this situation KNOWS full well they need to drop it and move on get over it etc. but thats a lot easier said than done or have all of you forgotten that or maybe you heve been lucky enough just to have not experienced a break up?
You'll get there in your own time OP. Take it ham and cheesey as they say. What did you do for your birthday in the end anyway?

Amazotheamazing · 22-02-2008 1:26pm

He's looking out for himself now, what does he gain by texting you and renewing contact? You both agree you're better off not being in contact, you should respect him being able to stick to it.

Yes, it's a long time to be going out, but since you're over him, maybe you should stop waiting for texts he has no reason to send.

LegacyUser · 22-02-2008 2:02pm

Mazeire wrote: »

Er...could everyone please remeber they were going out 4 years not four seconds, and the amount of time they have been split up is relatively short compared to that.
Yes someone in this situation KNOWS full well they need to drop it and move on get over it etc. but thats a lot easier said than done or have all of you forgotten that or maybe you heve been lucky enough just to have not experienced a break up?

My sentiments exactly. Seems to be a lot of tough ex's on these boards - finish it, bin memories and move on. Sadly it doesnt always work that way, and espec in my case. Its not long since we broke up, our last bit of contact was 7 weeks ago. We already broke our rule of 'no contact' that is why I was surprised I didnt receive a birthday greeting. It really wasnt in his nature. Its not all about receiving just a 'text' ... there is more to it, but again only I know the relationship so again I guess I shouldnt have posted here about it.

Anyway thanks for all your replies. Im gonna leave it. His own birthday is in a month and I will treat is as any other day even though I would like to acknowledge it.

BaZmO* · 22-02-2008 2:08pm

Mazeire wrote: »

Er...could everyone please remeber they were going out 4 years not four seconds, and the amount of time they have been split up is relatively short compared to that.
Yes someone in this situation KNOWS full well they need to drop it and move on get over it etc. but thats a lot easier said than done or have all of you forgotten that or maybe you heve been lucky enough just to have not experienced a break up?
You'll get there in your own time OP. Take it ham and cheesey as they say. What did you do for your birthday in the end anyway?

But that's the thing. He probably didn't want to text her because then he end up knowing that she's going out, and then he'd start thinking "With who?" "Is it a new boyfriend?" etc. especially if he's not over her.

Overheal · 22-02-2008 2:18pm

You think its disrespectful to you, but is it not disrespecting himself to hang on to the death throes of a relationship you both agreed was going nowhere? He didnt text you on Valentines Day I presume though I'll wager he considered it. Fair play to him for respecting himself (and you) enough not to. What good does it do? It sounds too soon after the breakup to me anyway.

IanCurtis · 22-02-2008 2:26pm

Though he didn't sent you a card or text, you can bet he was thinking of you.

I'd leave it at that.

TheDriver · 22-02-2008 3:03pm

COurse he thought about it and maybe he should have wished you a happy birthday but maybe its better he doesn't, things need to move on in life and can't hang onto past relationships if they don't work out. You need to think about where youwant life to go and especially relationships.

markesmith · 22-02-2008 4:09pm

IanCurtis wrote: »

Though he didn't sent you a card or text, you can bet he was thinking of you.

Ah, the 'will I, won't I' birthday text. We've all been there, no?

IanCurtis is on the nickel. He was certainly thinking of you on your birthday, and likely entered into a discussion with himself as to whether the text should be sent or not. In the end, he opted not to. You're not going out anymore, so it's his prerogative. Maybe he just doesn't want to receive a reply, or...even worse...not receive a reply.

I wouldn't read too much into it. Some ex's send 'em, some don't.

Wibbs · 22-02-2008 8:16pm

Unreg2122 wrote: »

My sentiments exactly. Seems to be a lot of tough ex's on these boards - finish it, bin memories and move on. Sadly it doesnt always work that way, and espec in my case. Its not long since we broke up, our last bit of contact was 7 weeks ago. We already broke our rule of 'no contact' that is why I was surprised I didnt receive a birthday greeting. It really wasnt in his nature. Its not all about receiving just a 'text' ... there is more to it, but again only I know the relationship so again I guess I shouldnt have posted here about it.

Anyway thanks for all your replies. Im gonna leave it. His own birthday is in a month and I will treat is as any other day even though I would like to acknowledge it.

Who broke up with whom? That's an important point. If you broke up with him I can understand him trying to distance himself. The new years stuff was impersonal and habit. He probably wanted to send more.

As for friends with exes. It rarely works out. Some think they're friends but they're not. One is usually carrying a torch or resentment. The other is getting more out of it. This is especially true of a big time ex.

At one point and for a long time you both assumed this would be forever. Now it's not. You both have to acknowledge that and give space and time. When you choose to break up you choose to leave that person and you have to understand and face the consequences of that. One of those is the loss of friendship. Certainly until you have both truly moved on. The dumped in most case is going to be the one trying to contact. The dumper should have the cop on to not reciprocate. To do so is selfish or not aware of others feelings.

Now you have said no one here knows the whole story. Of course not. You probably don't know the whole story, just your side of it. I will say this, good relationships stay together for particular reasons. People split up for particular reasons too. The aftermath of the split also has patterns to it so even general advice and observations have merit.

Let him go. At least for now. If he doesn't contact you don't read anymore into it than there is.

Finally this will pass. Although it's over, seven years is a long time and it will take time to reset your mechanism. Even though you know it's over. Habit alone will take you back not forward. That's the biggest truth. Will you be friends? possibly, but it will take time and water under the bridge.

Abaddon · 22-02-2008 8:29pm

The really awful thing is that you probably realise that if he had sent you birthday greetings, you'd most likely be upset too. It's all part of the horrible process of extricating yourself from a relationship and surrendering something as familiar as a lover. Once he was a rock in your life, now he's changing shape and becoming all manner of things. By the time you finally have this relationship dealt with, however long it takes, you'll no longer recognize the image you have of your ex.
Be strong...

Toots · 22-02-2008 10:57pm

OP, I'm sure he didn't mean anything bad by not texting you, in fact as other posters say, he probably felt it was too soon. It is possible to be friends with an ex, but each of you need a 'grieving period' for the relationship (so to speak) before that can happen. You are both probably still quite raw about the breakup, so no contact at the moment is probably best for both of you, in time you both may be able to maintain a friendly relationship, but now is just too soon, as both of you will probably have some feelings for each other which would only complicate things.

I'm very good friends with my ex, but it took two years to get to that stage, and during that time we didn't speak to each other or see each other. For the moment, you need to respect his decision not to contact you. If he wants to get in touch again, he'll do it in his own time. It may be hard, but it'll be worth it in the long run, as you'll have a better chance of having a friendship with him later on.

Should I be p-off?

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