Proposing - Father-in-Law to be's blessing

ogre357

Thinking of proposing to my girlfriend on her birthday next month? Do I have to clear it with her father before hand or can I ask for his blessing afterwards.

dr.bollocko

I think it depends on the dad. If he is old fashioned he might appreciate the gesture, but I dont think its common to ask anymore.
Though to be honest, I probably would.

ogre357

Yeah but ask beforehand or afterwards. He's fairly easy going.

texanman

Its not necessary to do so but im sure it would be appreciated.

Eoin

There's been a lot of debate about this across a few forums here I think. Some people seem to think it's a sexist thing, and will bring it down to a "she's not his property to give away" type debate, which I find a bit stupid.

Do you think your fiancée-to-be would mind if he was asked before she was? If not, then you've nothing to lose.

sligobhoy67

ogre357 wrote: »

Thinking of proposing to my girlfriend on her birthday next month? Do I have to clear it with her father before hand or can I ask for his blessing afterwards.

If yer missus is the type of bhurd that would serious be offended about a traditional gesture like that then I pity you!

I say do it - I did it at Christmas - not a big fan of his but went up to his gaff spent five minutes talkin about football and then laid it on him - job done, box ticked, out the door - he'll think yer a great fella and she will to - believe me.

iguana

There are a lot of women who would be very peed off by this. I certainly would have been. I'm a grown woman, I don't belong to anyone. Also if my husband had asked this of my dad my dad would have laughed at him and told him he was asking the wrong person.

But you know your girlfriend what do you think she will think?

frizzefreckles

My OH asked my dad two weeks before he popped the question. It meant alot to me that he asked and my dad was delighted to be asked although when asked the question his reply was "I don't know why you're bothering to ask me, she'll make up her own mind"

sligobhoy67

iguana wrote: »

There are a lot of women who would be very peed off by this. I certainly would have been. I'm a grown woman, I don't belong to anyone. Also if my husband had asked this of my dad my dad would have laughed at him and told him he was asking the wrong person.

But you know your girlfriend what do you think she will think?

jesus ig, are you serious? I dont think anyone actually thinks that they are asking for a piece of meat - its just showing her family a bit of respect imo

iguana

sligobhoy67 wrote: »

jesus ig, are you serious? I dont think anyone actually thinks that they are asking for a piece of meat - its just showing her family a bit of respect imo

I'm very serious, as are many of the posters in past threads who have expressed the same opinion. Lets be honest if your partner had gone to your mother to ask your mother's permission to propose to you, you'd think it was a little odd. If my husband had asked my dad, my dad would have felt like I was being disrespected because my parents raised me to be an independent adult. That said my dad is (just about) still in his 40's so is going to have a more modern outlook than the parents of a lot of my generation.

Just because something is a "tradition" doesn't make it ok. Genital mutilation for religious purposes is traditional in lots of societies. Sure that's an extreme example but the tradition of asking a father if you can marry his daughter is left over from a point where the men actually did decide the faith of the woman despite her opinion. And I don't see how anyone can think that playing homage to that point in our past respects anybody.

DeVore

If he says no, you cant marry his daughter what would do? What would she do? Is there any possibility he would say that?

The answers to those questions should lead everyone to see exactly who is deciding what here, indeed they should identify if there is even a "question" being asked in the real meaning of the word.

I'd ask the father just to maintain the tradition (if I felt he would appreciate it) but I would still do it regardless of his answer.

DeV.

biko

I will ask "the father in law to be" for his blessing, not permission.

Is it a tradition though.....my dad certainly didn't do it.

Talliesin

Anyone who asks for the hand of any of my children in marriage will get a flat refusal.

If they're going to marry anyone, they're going to marry someone who shows them the respect of asking them and then valuing that answer entirely.

Hopefully they'll want me to approve, and hopefully I will, but "clearing" it with me is a pretty much guaranteed way for that not to happen.

milltown

I did. Herself and I had discussed getting engaged but I knew it would mean a lot to both of them to ask for "permission". For two weeks I tried to pin the bugger down to meet for a chat but couldn't. I ended up having to do it over the phone but I felt, and since had it confirmed, that it meant a lot to him that I would seek his blessing. He has since passed away so I know it also means a lot to her that it was all done right.

On DeVore's point, if you think there's a chance he'll say no then you don't have the type of relationship where it would have meant anything anyway.

greenkittie

I would want the fun of telling them i was engaged after it had happend! I would hate the idea that they knew before i knew.

pow wow

iguana wrote: »

I'm very serious, as are many of the posters in past threads who have expressed the same opinion. Lets be honest if your partner had gone to your mother to ask your mother's permission to propose to you, you'd think it was a little odd. If my husband had asked my dad, my dad would have felt like I was being disrespected because my parents raised me to be an independent adult. That said my dad is (just about) still in his 40's so is going to have a more modern outlook than the parents of a lot of my generation.

Just because something is a "tradition" doesn't make it ok. Genital mutilation for religious purposes is traditional in lots of societies. Sure that's an extreme example but the tradition of asking a father if you can marry his daughter is left over from a point where the men actually did decide the faith of the woman despite her opinion. And I don't see how anyone can think that playing homage to that point in our past respects anybody.

I wouldn't be offended at all by it, I don't see it as a transfer of ownership (pink slips anyone?) issue, more like a transfer of caretaking in a weird sort of way. In theory your dad is meant to look out for you, and this guy is saying he wants to take over that responsibility. It's a gesture, not a contractual agreement.

I also wouldn't be offended if the guy didn't ask my dad either. It doesn't really make a whole lot of difference to me personally, I think you know your other half well enough to know if she would take it as an offence like Iguana would or a thoughtful gesture like I would.

rymus

What Talliesin said. Asking for permission is a bit barmy nowadays.. It's more seeing if the parents approve. And if they don't, get married anyway. At least that way the in-laws will never come visiting.

Eoin

Out of interest, do the people who object to this also not have their father walk down the aisle with them and "give them away"? Do they split the cost of the engagement ring with the fiancé?

iguana

eoin_s wrote: »

Out of interest, do the people who object to this also not have their father walk down the aisle with them and "give them away"? Do they split the cost of the engagement ring with the fiancé?

I didn't get an engagement ring, as yes I do think it's unfair for the woman to get a present and the man not to. We had some money at the time that we could have spent on a ring but instead I got a 2nd hand iBook and my husband got an iPod. (I keep writing this online in the hope that someone from Apple will admire our loyalty and give us a free pair of iPhones. )

rediguana

I think there's a lot of crazy talk going on here.

As someone mentioned, it's asking for a blessing, not permission. All of you loopy feminists, will you object to having your dad walk you up the aisle too?

This is my first time in this forum as I might be doing a spot of proposing myself next month. I've pencilled in a trip to Cork to square it first with her dad.

iguana

rediguana wrote: »

I think there's a lot of crazy talk going on here.

As someone mentioned, it's asking for a blessing, not permission. All of you loopy feminists, will you object to having your dad walk you up the aisle too?

This is my first time in this forum as I might be doing a spot of proposing myself next month. I've pencilled in a trip to Cork to square it first with her dad.

And how would you feel if your girlfriend went to your mum to ask for her blessing before talking to you about it?

RacoonQueen

sligobhoy67 wrote: »

jesus ig, are you serious? I dont think anyone actually thinks that they are asking for a piece of meat - its just showing her family a bit of respect imo

It's disrespectful to her. I'd be highly, highly, highly offended if he asked my dads permission/blessing it has nothing to do with my dad. He'd say no anyway.

willowthewisp

I didnt know them that well, had been going out 8 years but only met them twice or three times, so didnt ask.

Everything was A ok though.

ted1

deffo,

i like to think that i have a good relationship with my soon to be father in law. i wouldn't have dreamed of asking her without asking him. also as bad as it my same , if you expect him to contribute i'd deffo ask him. I caught him offguard and he was delighted, but the hardest thing was that i had planned it for ages but always lost the nerve, however after getting his permission i knew i had to it soon. butterflys for about 24 hours, but well worth it

rediguana

iguana wrote: »

And how would you feel if your girlfriend went to your mum to ask for her blessing before talking to you about it?

I'm an easygoing, stable person, who prioritises things that are actually important. So it wouldn't bother me.

cobweb

Well when i was a very young girl my dad said he would like to be asked beforehand so OH asked him and dad was delighted. I have no problem with the dad being asked, i think its a nice tradition and it meant something to my dad. Though when DH went to dad he said you will have to ask her mother shes the boss haha but at the end of the day, its what you and Cobweb want that matters.
Dad just wanted to be asked he knew the answer didnt matter so ask her father beforehand

Victor

Agree the concept of engagement between the couple.

One proposes to other.

She tells her mother while he tells her father.

OR

Agree the concept of engagement between the couple.

He tells her father that he plans to propose. He checks that her father didn't have sex with his mother a few decades ago.

He proposes to her.

She tells her mother while he tells her father.*

---

If one of the parties is under 18 (not heard of any in the last 10 years), asking beforehand would be important.




* And hopes her mother didn't have sex with his father a few decades ago.

Whispered

My fiance asked me, then the first person he rang was my dad to get his blessing. I would have had no problem if he had of done this first. Face it, your mother etc gets to share in your wedding in a way most fathers wouldn't. It's showing respect and involving the father. I think a lot of people go overboard with feminism tbh, but each to their own. You should know your fiance well enough to know if she would appreciate this gesture as a woman normally would, or if she is will see this as you "claiming" her :rolleyes:

kizzyr

If my boyfriend spoke to my father about marrying me whether it was to ask for a blessing or permission I'd be highly offended. We've been together almost 9 years and living together for 5, and the thought of him going to my dad about this does not sit well.

Fast_Mover

I think it's cute tradition and one I hope my future fiance will do.
Shows respect. Im sure my father would appreciate it aswell. Though in saying that I think I remember my mother saying that my own father never asked my granddad for 'permission'..don't think my granddad minded at all as he was laid back and knew my dad was a lovely genuine guy:)

sligobhoy67

jesus, this is a bit more split than I thought. I know my W2B was delighted I ask her father first and she saw it as a big sign of respect for him that I did it.

I am really surprised that some ladies on here are saying they would be "offended" if it was done - anyway each to their own I suppose

helimachoptor

So many women are anti-asking-the-dad!
Both myself and my GF (is it ok to call her that??:D) have talked about it and I will be asking her dad for his blessing not his permission. If he said no we'd get married anyway. We get on like a house on fire so he'll probably laugh and tell me i'm making a huge mistake! Then the race will be on to pop the question before he tells her mam and she tells my life partner .

My life partner wants me to ask her dad. I've no problem with it.

aleq

My boyfriend called to my mother to ask for her blessing before he proposed (my father passed away not long ago) and she was really touched by the gesture, as was I. It meant a lot to me that he had considered and included my family in this way. It wasn't necessary, and my mother would have been delighted either way, but I don't see why anyone should be offended.

eoin_s

eoin_s wrote: »

Out of interest, do the people who object to this also not have their father walk down the aisle with them and "give them away"?

Absolutely not(though any wedding of mine wouldnt be typical anyway)

I am seconding iguana and talli on this.

Niamh21

I would really like my other half to ask my dad. I think it's a nice tradition. But I suppose that's because i get on brilliantly with my dad!!

angeldelight

I get on brilliantly with my dad too and am very close to both my parents but my bf knows if he asked my dad for permission/blessing/whatever I wouldn't be happy and I've told him that so there's no mistakes... Firstly my mum is quite feminist so I don't think she'd be that impressed, secondly my dad is very modern and would probably laugh and say no don't do it, and thirdly I want it to be something personal between my bf and myself, something that only the 2 of us know for a little while and we get to tell everyone... I'm not saying I wouldn't like it because I'd see it as "property being handed over" I just don't like the idea. However I love the idea of my dad walking me up the aisle and would be heartbroken if for some reason he couldn't, and I don't think that's being hypocritical because he wouldn't want to be asked beforehand but would be chuffed to do the walk up the church

Noteb

I was proposed to- i said yes, then my Fiance told me he would like to ask my Dad before we told anyone about our engagement.... My father really appreciated that he was asked before anyone else knew. and now thinks the world of my Fiance for asking. it's a good move!

kizzyr

Niamh21 wrote: »

I would really like my other half to ask my dad. I think it's a nice tradition. But I suppose that's because i get on brilliantly with my dad!!

I get on brilliantly with both of my parents but would still be really annoyed if my boyfriend spoke either of them about it. Also I wouldn't be telling anyone that we were getting married until everything was booked and organized anyway so there could be no "helpful" suggestions from either family.

cluelessx2

My 'H2B' didn't ask my dad first, and I'd have been quite peeved if he had done. It's got nothing to do with feminism etc, it's just that it's such a big thing in my life that I think I should be the first to hear about it, not my dad. I think if you're getting engaged and you've discussed it and have decided "when" you're getting engaged and she thinks it's a good plan to talk to her dad, then do it that way. My friends husband spoke to her dad first and she was delighted. I was horrified at the idea so my guy knew not to go down that route - big sigh of relief from him I imagine!

silver campaign

Sorry to ressurect an old thread. I did a search and found this. I'm just wondering about in what ways people think it's acceptable to ask the fathers blessing.
I'd like to ask his blessing, as we get on well, he's traditional and I know my girl friend would appreciate it. But he lives the other side of the country, I can't just call around to his house, because then there is always a gang of us there.What would people think of a phone call or a hand written letter, the way it was always done. Or is that just a cop out???

Eoin

I rung, because we were in NY at the time (and I had chickened out before we went away).

seamus

Can't see a real problem with a phone call if there's a huge distance. There's always the "aww" factor of making an excuse and driving across the country to ask in person, but I can't see the problem with a phone call.

The only problem with a letter is a time delay. The last thing you want is to speak to her parents and then have a 2 week delay before you ask.

My OH was the same, "don't ask for permission" POV, but I told her that I would always ask both her parents for their blessing and she was cool with that. In the end I didn't do it because there would be a 3/4 day delay between asking them and asking her, and I knew her mother would be unable to keep it in for that long
So I asked her (in NYC) and rang her parents the next morning to ask for their blessing.

Mary42

I'm surprised people are getting so wound up about women being offended. The reason a lot of women don't like it (my self included) is that it goes back to a time when the girl's father decided who she was going to marry and the girl had no say in it.

Personally I would also like to surprise my parents with it. I don't think my dad would mind not being asked but I can understand that some parents are old fashioned and would appreciate the gesture.

Also the other thing is what happens if the father says no?

seamus

Mary42 wrote: »

Also the other thing is what happens if the father says no?

I think it would be massively unlikely in this day and age - the whole thing is simply a pleasantry, it's like the president having to sign bills into law; She can choose not to, but her role is purely traditional and powerless.

I think people on this thread were surprised that women were offended by the notion of asking for a simple blessing. That's not a request to marry the woman, it's more like, "I am going to ask your daughter to marry me whether you like it or not, but obviously it would be cool if you were on board, so are you?".

Eoin

Mary42 wrote: »

I'm surprised people are getting so wound up about women being offended. The reason a lot of women don't like it (my self included) is that it goes back to a time when the girl's father decided who she was going to marry and the girl had no say in it.

Would you mind your father "giving you away", or would you walk down the aisle on your own?

In a lot of cases the woman does it because they know their father would like it, and that would make her happy. It's not as if the couple haven't discussed it anyway.

seamus wrote:

I knew her mother would be unable to keep it in for that long

I rang that morning, and her sisters had been rung before I got the chance to propose! Thank God nobody rung her.

Mary42

Would you mind your father "giving you away", or would you walk down the aisle on your own?


Actually I'm planning to do what a work colleague did - both parents walked her down the aisle. Her logic was that they both reared her so why wouldn't they both walk her down the aisle?

joolsveer

I asked my wife's father too but we had already decided to get engaged/married before this. We are now married 30 years and I still get on with her and her father! I think my gf at the time expected that this was the right thing to do so I just did it. At the time (as far as I can remember) I had to get his permission in writing for the wedding because she was under 21.

Here's the proof.