Increasing Estrangement from family after 'outing' as Transgender

Filan

Please I'd really prefer if people didn't express their opinions on the concept of Transsexuals or Transgender ...There is other forums for that....

Since I told my family how I felt I've become ever more alienated from them..or rather they have become alienated from me. I still love them a lot...I am in therapy...so not dealing with this in isloation.

However it's made worse by the fact that I live in the family home with a parent....and don't currently have the means to rent a house....I'm not sure how I'd cope with sharing.......I don't know what to do or where to go...really lost.

All my family are homophobic and Transphobic....they think I'm mad....and well really have no understanding.... It hurts when family feel this way.........

At times I cope fairly well but at times it's a heavy weight.

Don't know what to do.

mikemac

Wow, I'm amazed at your honesty and your bravery that you didn't go unreg

I've no clue on the subject but first link in google was www.teni.ie.

If they don't have info then they might point you somewhere else

Filan

Thanks...I had posted on the topic before...so a lot of people here know...thus I didn't go anon...

I can handle who I am....I accept it....and am happyy with myself...love a lot of life a lot....But I really don't know what to do about my family..... and no obvious alternative accomodation.

Have asked Mum to meet my Therapist....would like it if the others did....but they won't. It's hard when your family think your crazy....It's easy to dismiss as mad what you don't understand.... hard for me to be part of this. I am capable of so much...but just not in this environment.

Mum wants me to be the happy normal man that was...I was never happy with who I was...I was never normal...because I couldn't be...Most of my friends say that they are not surprsied...as they always knew that there was something wrong...they just weren't sure what...almost everyone mistook me for being gay as a man... So the choices are conform and be unhappy...make others happy but not myself..or try to start on my own somewhere else....but I've no obvious escape currently.

I can't see a solution to this currently...feel between the ultimate rock and a hard place.

Shelli

I could be being very naieve here, but I'm guessing the gay community would be a lot more accepting of transgenders, be they gay or not.

And basing this suggestion on this assumption, (please forgive my ignorance on this subject if I'm wrong), would it be easier on you to maybe find people from the gay scene who would be looking to share a house?

Is your uncertainty of how you would cope in this situation brought on by the fact that the people you live with now don't accept you as you are.....and if you moved out and found yourself still not accepted it would be unthinkable?

Or I could be way off the mark and it could be financial reasons......sorry, I couldn't tell from your post.

Either way I applaude your honesty, and I hope you do whatever you need to make yourself happy!!

Filan

Thanks Sheli.....it's a combination really....of money and the fact that I don't think 3 average housemates would mix well with an identifying Trans...Besides There is very little suitable accomodation currently in Limerick..

I suppose society really just needs more information...and if it is educated..then Trans issues won't seem so alien in the future....maybe in the future other families will cope with such issues better.... A lot of people are not transphobic..I have had many positive interactions with the wider world...As I said I love life....But I upset my family..they upset me....a mutual relationship of harm...

The gay community vary...as do other Irish Transgenders....you share certain feelings and needs...but that dosen't necessarily mean there will be bonding...

I also have photosensitivity which means that despite a high level of education..and being very capable.. I struggle in the workplace for taht reason too...so it seems that so many circumstances are currently against me.

I appreciate the compliments for bravery...hey I've quite a lot of self belief....and I'm not afraid..of much...except this domestic situation.

Dizzyblonde

I'm sorry you don't have your family's support in this, and I hope your mother at least sees the harm she's doing. I believe that nothing should get in the way of a mother's love for her child.
Good luck and I hope you find happiness through being true to yourself.

Filan

Thanks DIzzyblonde...much appreciated...Mum is old...the others view it as my fault for upsetting her... I've been told to fight my feelings....or to see a Counsellor and be 'cured'... I am attending someone....and whatever about teaching coping mechanisms...there certainly is no 'cure'.... A lack of education ...but I won't be able to educate them.....I won't be able to change.

I hope that there is widespread education and that others don't have to face this in the future...I actualy don't view the feelings as hard to live with...I enjoy being me...it's who I am and I'm happy with that...the hard part is rejection... in this case family...It's more than rejection..it's complete incompatability.

b3t4

Hi Filan,

I know in the ideal world your family would come around and support you but, as you know yourself, this isn't always the case.

To help you with this I believe you should try to accept your family as they are and come to terms with that. All you can do is be you and hope that they come to the realisation that even with all the changes you're going through you are still the same person underneath it all (albeit a happier person) Try also to remember that you've had a lot of time to come to terms with this whereas your family are still coming to terms with it. Given time, things might improve.

Best of luck,
A

Filan

Thanks...I hope that things will improve and I relate to what you...that it is hard for them to accept and takes time... I wish there was a way where we didn't hurt each other. I have no desire to hurt others....But I really do feel a lot better as a person since I acknowledged how I feel..feel a whole person... Regardless of what I do...just merely expressing and no longer repressing a part of who I am is liberating. To be honest it was always a strained family...this is just the latest instalment...Ireland is a relatively conservative country...and mine would be one of the more conservative families....in ways far removed from Gender Identity matters.... They just have no understanding of anything but normaility..very black and white..no grey...somewhat sad.

clairefrilly

I used to work for a fairly traditional company and one day a new person started.He came to work dressed as a male and used a male name, then we were all called in for a meeting to explain that he was in fact transgendered and that she asked if it was okay to come to work as herself from now on.She wanted everyone to know and be aware of her situation because she didnt want anyone to feel uncomfortable.To be honest it was one of the most moving things many of us had ever experienced and the very next day everyone welcomed her into the office as herself. I think you owe it to yourself and others ( many are more open minded than the media would have you believe !) to find your own path and take a short albeit very scary step to finding a house share .I wish you the best of luck in your future and be thankful that you have the courage to start the journey towards being your true self . Would some of your family attend a therapist with you.It might help them to understand your situation.

randylonghorn

Filan wrote: »

Most of my friends say that they are not surprsied...as they always knew that there was something wrong...

Tell them to grow up, tbh.

Filan wrote: »

I've been told to fight my feelings....or to see a Counsellor and be 'cured'...

Oh dear, they really are living in the 19th century, aren't they?

Tbh, I really think you would be better off living elsewhere, but if it's not an option presently, then I guess you will have to struggle on for the moment.

Hopefully, they will come round by degrees, but by the sounds of it it may take a long time. I'm really not sure what to advise, but I think maybe just not push them too much on it at the moment ... do your own thing, but just avoid discussing it with them. NOT because you have anything to be ashamed of, but because they are obviously not ready to deal, and are hurting you by their attitude every time the topic comes up, and probably becoming more entrenched in their attitudes every time the subject comes up and gets into an argument. A "time-out" might give everyone a bit of time to reflect and to process.

Coward's approach? Maybe, but any family that thinks that a counsellor will "cure" you ... or that any counsellor who is not a complete charlatan would even try ... have a long journey to go before they are ready to even have a sensible discussion with you on the subject.

Back of it all they probably love you dearly ... but they just have no clue how to love YOU.

davyjose

randylonghorn wrote: »

Oh dear, they really are living in the 19th century, aren't they?

Eh ... no. They just want their Son to be a bloke. It's not that backwards - the fact that they're not popping Champagne corks. Give them a break.
Even the most liberal of us would find it hard to swallow the fact that the child they raised suddenly decides to change themselves in the most extreme manner (and be it a good or a bad thing, it is an extreme change).

Filan

Thanks to all...Quite a lot of good advice .

I never said that I was an easy concept for anyone to understand or something to be celebrated. But you know what I don't think it has to be something bad either...what make's something negative? Society tends to view as negative what is rare and what is difficult to understand...

I understand that it is a difficult concept...and I don't expect universal acceptance... But the most distressing factor is currently family. I don't want to hurt them....But I am...they are in turn hurting me...not so much their lack of understanding but by their lack of -desire- to understand and their dogma that I am inherently -selfish-. Even if they expressed a desire to understand but couldn't I'd accept that.

I don't think it has to be viewed negatively...a shock yes...but hey I was never a regular guy..people who knew me socialy knew that..it was obvious to them since puberty..but most simply assumed that I was a very gay guy. I'm the youngest in my family by a long way....almost of a different generation to my own siblings....and therefore they never knew me socialy...never really knew this side to me....although I did frequently anger and frustrate them with my unusual dress code..

Conforming as a regular male just isn't something I can do long term..I have been tring for a decade of adult life...Relationships failed..my identity interfered with my life wherever I went..society expected me to conform to lots and lots of rules, this caused me distress..whether I could live succesfuly in an alternative gender role, I'm still researching....No point in doing so if I don't have a quality of life....

Conformity though hurts a lot of people. Normality is artifical and the exception and not the norm..