read it... just wanna share...

sweet16yiskah

From the very Begining, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy. Saying that it has got to do with family background,& that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.

Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrel very often. Though the girl love the guy deeply, but she always ask him: "How deep is your love for me?"

As the guy is not good with his words, this often cause the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vent her anger on him. As for him, he only endure it in silence.

After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"

The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he leave, they got engaged.

The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it's hard, but both never thought of giving up.

One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realised that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has lost her voice......

The doctors says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down.

During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,.....it's still just silence cry that companied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone. Which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know. & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.

With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, and countless of phonecalls,.. all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying....

The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.

With a new environment, the girl learn sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.

A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead.

When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her. He used sign language telling her "I've spent a year's time to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You. With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.

skateing dragon

Ok firstly,

Are you a native english speaker? Is English your first language? Because from reading this I'm inclined to think you are a non-native speaker. The grammar was terrible to be honest and you should never use "&" instead of "and".

sweet16yiskah wrote: »

From the very Begining, the girl's family objected strongly on her (should be to her)dating this guy. Saying that it has got to do with family background,& that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.(That sentence dosn't sound right...)

Secondly,

The story was very...choppy so to speak. It didn't flow at all. It was just like an account of some events in this Girls life.

sweet16yiskah wrote: »

After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas.

One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realised that she was badly injured.

It cuts really suddenly from scene to scene without any information or description really. Just kinda like

"She went to the shop.
She went to work.
A car hit her.
She got engaged."

That's how it reads to me.


And Finally,

Your tense is constantly changing. It goes from past to present.

sweet16yiskah wrote: »

Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has (present tense) lost her voice......

Also there are alot, ALOT, of miss used words, spelling mistakes, grammatical errors so overall I have to say I didn't enjoy it. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't even finish it. Sorry but that's how I feel.

hypercrawl

skateing dragon wrote: »

Ok firstly,

Are you a native english speaker? Is English your first language? Because from reading this I'm inclined to think you are a non-native speaker. The grammar was terrible to be honest and you should never use "&" instead of "and".



Secondly,

The story was very...choppy so to speak. It didn't flow at all. It was just like an account of some events in this Girls life.



It cuts really suddenly from scene to scene without any information or description really. Just kinda like

"She went to the shop.
She went to work.
A car hit her.
She got engaged."

That's how it reads to me.


And Finally,

Your tense is constantly changing. It goes from past to present.



Also there are alot, ALOT, of miss used words, spelling mistakes, grammatical errors so overall I have to say I didn't enjoy it. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't even finish it. Sorry but that's how I feel.

I made it to the missing n in the first sentence - to be honest sd's grammar isn't perfect either (pedants - yes, i know).

sweet16yiskah

skateing dragon wrote: »

Ok firstly,

Are you a native english speaker? Is English your first language? Because from reading this I'm inclined to think you are a non-native speaker. The grammar was terrible to be honest and you should never use "&" instead of "and".



Secondly,

The story was very...choppy so to speak. It didn't flow at all. It was just like an account of some events in this Girls life.



It cuts really suddenly from scene to scene without any information or description really. Just kinda like

"She went to the shop.
She went to work.
A car hit her.
She got engaged."

That's how it reads to me.


And Finally,

Your tense is constantly changing. It goes from past to present.



Also there are alot, ALOT, of miss used words, spelling mistakes, grammatical errors so overall I have to say I didn't enjoy it. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't even finish it. Sorry but that's how I feel.

yeah.... your right.!!! I'm not native-english speaking..!!! however i didnt do this piece as well..!!! i got this from other forum and thinking if i can post it here and there where i make mistake - copy and paste a story which i did not do. And also i just want to share the message inside the story.. if you just finish the story maybe you'll know where im getting across...!!!
i thank you for letting me know though about this gramatical error hehe cause honestly i didn't notice the errors and thinking it was perfect. And also it's also my first reason why i enter this forum... to be corrected and learn..!!! thanx again..!!!!

P.S... you know about the spelling errors... its all because this story is kind of using a text language....!!!

rockbeer

Not sure at all about you posting somebody else's work here as though it were your own. You should really ask their permission and credit them. Not sure where boards stands on this, but if it were my work, however terrible, I'd be rightly pi**ed off.

Wonder if you'd have owned up to it not being your own work if everyone had said how great they thought it was? (It isn't, it's dreadful. There's barely a single correct or readable sentence in the entire piece.)

sweet16yiskah

rockbeer wrote: »

Not sure at all about you posting somebody else's work here as though it were your own. You should really ask their permission and credit them. Not sure where boards stands on this, but if it were my work, however terrible, I'd be rightly pi**ed off.

Wonder if you'd have owned up to it not being your own work if everyone had said how great they thought it was? (It isn't, it's dreadful. There's barely a single correct or readable sentence in the entire piece.)

ohHH.. No.. I got this from other girl in other forum whom also took this story from the internet (she said that she took this from internet). I know i should've said that this is not my work and that i got this from other people..!!!

I'm sorry guys about this crapped story.. i really thought that you'd be tough with the story but i guess i was wrong.

Now i learned my lesson though: heheh
1st: not to post a work that is not mine.
2nd: if ever i'll post a work from others i will accredit the writer or post where i got it.
3rd: be grammar and spelling conscious
4th and nothing but the least... be careful what i post or write... eheeh...

hmMm.. guys can i ask a favor..???? if you'll going to criticize me..can i ask you to be a little kinder please.. heheh cause you know as you all criticize me, my heart is beating so fast and feel so nervous. (I think thats what i feel???) hahah lolszz..!! but anyway i also know that i should just accept this fact and this is just ka constructive critism hehehe... am i right..???

Sarky

rockbeer wrote: »

Not sure at all about you posting somebody else's work here as though it were your own. You should really ask their permission and credit them. Not sure where boards stands on this, but if it were my work, however terrible, I'd be rightly pi**ed off.

It's a no-no.

OP, credit it properly or get rid of it.

sweet16yiskah

Alright, as I was saying from the last post I’m not a native-English speaking and the 1st reason why I joined her in board.ie were to practice and learned English by reading and writing here.
Apparently, I made a huge mistake when I took a story which was not mine and the worst, it was badly written. So I was thinking, why not I revised the story and critic me, I think it would be better to be criticize with my own words.
By the way I got this from this site. http://www.candymag.com/teentalk/index.php/topic,87118.15.html

So here it goes: by the way I revise it into 1st person.
Reader, I had once fallen in love. I love him so much that I fought our love from my parents. My parents don’t like him because of his status background. They said that my life would be ruined and I would suffer for the rest of my life. But this couldn’t make me leave him, I just can’t. My love for him was too strong for us to be separated. I asked my boyfriend if “how deep is his love for me?” but he didn’t answer. My heart was liked it had been stabbed a thousand times. It was so painful. We often fought because of this and always vent my anger to him due to my parents’ disapproval of him.
Now, he finally graduated but he decided to further his study overseas. When I found out about this, I’ve got very lonely. Though how many times we fought, I just love him. Then I was about to burst into tears when He held my hands, stood inches away from me and looked at my eyes and said “I’m not good in letting my deep feelings verbally, but all I know is that I love you. Allow me to take your hands and take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I’ll try my best to talk to them round. Will you marry me?” His last sentenced echoed in my ears for a moment. I couldn’t believe it. He actually proposed to me. I jumped with happiness. I said “Yes.. Yes… I will marry you”. However, I know how my parents detest him but by his determination my parents gave in. Now, we were engaged before he leaved.
I worked in an office, whereas my fiancée was in overseas, continued his studies. We sent our loved through email and phone calls. I know it was hard but we never gave up and let our love carry on our relationship.
One day, while I was walking when “BEEEPPPPPPPPP” sound so loud. I looked on my right side and seen a car was coming. I was shocked, so shocked that my world stopped for a second. I don’t know where to go and do. Then suddenly “BooOOoooM”…..
I woke up, I saw my parents on my side. My mum was crying and there I realized I was knocked down by a car that lost control and knew I’m badly injured. I tried to comfort my mum but not a word of sound came out from my mouth. I tried to cough to release friction in my throat. I tried to talk again but nothing happened. Then the doctor said that the impact on my brain had cause to lose my voice. I still tried to talk. I could not believe I lost my voice. Listening to my parents comforting me and couldn’t talk back make me feel worst. I broke down. I couldn’t handle it much further.
During and after my stay in hospital my silence cry only accompanied me. When I got home, everything seemed the same except, the ringing tone of the phone which pierced into my heart every time it rang. I know it was him but I don’t wish him to know about me. I don’t want to be burden to him. I wrote him a letter saying I couldn’t wait any longer and said my goodbyes. I feel so awful but what could I do. I wouldn’t let him wait for me for nothing. It would be much better of him to find someone that would take care of him. I don’t want to give him more problems. My parents couldn’t take the hurt I am enduring anymore. So, They decided to move away, hoping that could eventually forget everything and live happily.
With the new environment, I learned sign language and started a new life. I told myself everyday that I must forget him. One day, my friend came and told her that he’s back. ohHh.. How I longed to see him again but I can’t. I should not; I pulled myself together and asked my friend not to let him know what happened to me. Since then, there wasn’t anymore news of him.
A year had pass and my friend came with an envelop it contained an invitation card for the guy’s wedding. When I see the card, my world stop, my heart beat so fast, I felt numb; I don’t know what to say. I was hurt, very hurt I don’t want to see it further. I want to throw it away, tear it or burned it. Then suddenly my eye caught the name of the bride. I saw my name instead. I shattered. I looked at my friend. I was about to asked her what’s going on, but then I saw my man standing in front of me. He used sign language and told me “I’ve spent a year time to learned sign language. Just to let you know that I’ve not forgotten promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love you. With that, he slipped the ring back into my finger and I finally smiled.
hmMm.. tell me what you think and post me your critics...

sweet16yiskah

Sarky wrote: »

It's a no-no.

OP, credit it properly or get rid of it.

owkie I'm going to get rid of it.. if you still dont like the story i just revise.
please read the story and tell me what you think. critic me as far as you want. that's fine just tell me where i should develop more or where did i get wrong.

HoldOnTight

sweet16yiskah wrote: »

hmMm.. guys can i ask a favor..???? if you'll going to criticize me..can i ask you to be a little kinder please.. heheh cause you know as you all criticize me, my heart is beating so fast and feel so nervous. (I think thats what i feel???) hahah lolszz..!! but anyway i also know that i should just accept this fact and this is just ka constructive critism hehehe... am i right..???

Why would it matter if its not your work? Unless I'm missing something...

sweet16yiskah

HoldOnTight wrote: »

Why would it matter if its not your work? Unless I'm missing something...

ahHH.. cause they say if your going to post here in boards.ie it must be your work or else accredit the person who made it or quote it. ]
HmMm... question..??? have you read the piece already.. the revise one..??/
Please read and tell me what you think...
hmMm.. by the way English is not my native-language and if theres any wrong grammar or misspelled words you find. please tell me.. and be very grateful. thank you very much...

rockbeer

Sorry to disillusion you sweet16yiskah but there's so much wrong with it that I would hardly know where to start. There's barely an entirely correct sentence to be found. Maybe some kind soul has the time to go through it line by line, but I don't. It would take hours. I'm not being facetious, but I would seriously suggest you enrol in an English language class and put some intense hours in on your grammar before you start to think seriously about writing for an audience.

This is said with the best of intentions - you just aren't going to solve your grammar issues on an Internet forum...