Have other people gotten over things like this in their relationships?

Princess Helen

Right, I know there will be backlash from this post but I'm going to see what people say anyways.

Ive been going out with a guy for about 15 months. It was long distance initally and now we live nearby to each other. Obviously it required adjustment when that happened, but we talked about it and after a few inital rows (we never rowed when I was away) things have settled out and we're ok.

We get on great. He's really good to me and I am to him. The problem is I just don't fancy him. I did initially and things were good when we slept together. While we've slept in the same bed and cuddled and stuff, we haven't actually done anything sexually for the past three months and before that there was a gap of a month. It's me as I just avoid the subject.

As I'm under a lot of pressure at the moment and very busy its easy to just fall asleep, give a line about being stressed out and he understands. In fact I think he's too good to me as we should be at the stage of our relationship where we want to see each other as much as possible. he can put pressure on me alot for attention and I try not to lose my temper as this isnt fair when someone likes you, they are just eager to be around you but for me with alot of pressures on me, from college, work, family and others it's hard to keep up and I do make an effort to try and include him but sometimes its additional stress.

My problem is I went away for the weekend to some friends for a break. This wasnt really an issue I just needed to escape for a night or two. And we went out. While I didnt cheat I almost did and pretty much as good as did. Theres a guy I met before I got on well with who has a girlfriend who texts me alot but I thought we were on the same level and it was harmless flirting.

Anyways met up with him in the pub with my friends and were chatting. We'd kinda arranged to meet up. I got a bit drunk and ended up back at his. We were just chatting all night and while we held hands and stuff (and I really wanted to kiss him), I didnt. But the fact I wanted to makes me feel like I did wrong to my boyfriend. I know this guy has a girlfriend so amn't holding out too much hope there, but I do like him.

My head has been a mess. I've been thinking I need to break up with my boyfriend but no idea how or if I'll regret it completely. Has anyone else almost cheated and how does it affect you? I think its made me look at my relationship different now and I'm realising what I should have realised before. I slept in the same bed as the other guy fully clothed but we both wanted to do more. I know it was a mutual agreement not to but I think he has feelings for me too. We do know each other quite a while.

It's all a mess and what your head tells you doesnt equate with how you feel in these situations. Just very confused and feeling guilty. Do people think you can move on in your relationship once you start having feelings for another person?

Piste

I'd say you really need to break up with your boyfriend, yes it'll hurt him and probably you, but no more so than if you end up cheating on him. You haven't done anything -too- wrong yet, but that's not to say that you wont! By gewtting even to the holding hands stage with another guy it shows you're not completely devoted to your boyfriend and you said yourself that you don't fancy him any more, so for both your sakes I'd say break up with him asap.

Balmed Out

Cant understand how you can fancy someone one minute and not the other. Anyhow break up with your boyfriend your being very unfair to him and what you did was in my eyes the same as cheating but maybe a little less deplorable. You only didnt go further to save yourself guilt.
I dont want to be mean to you but the type of person who goes away for a weekend arranging to meet someone theyve been secretly texting, well i dont need to say more do I. Dont fool yourself into thinking your this nice girl for not kissing the other guy, you lost that mantle long beforehand.

Princess Helen

Balmed Out wrote: »

Cant understand how you can fancy someone one minute and not the other. Anyhow break up with your boyfriend your being very unfair to him and what you did was in my eyes the same as cheating but maybe a little less deplorable. You only didnt go further to save yourself guilt.
I dont want to be mean to you but the type of person who goes away for a weekend arranging to meet someone theyve been secretly texting, well i dont need to say more do I. Dont fool yourself into thinking your this nice girl for not kissing the other guy, you lost that mantle long beforehand.

Sorry if I gave you the impression I thought of myself as blameless. I dont!!! I realise what I done was wrong. I've cut all contact with the other guy - this was my decision not his and we havent spoken in two weeks or contacted each other.

My problem is I think I'm just realising that I'd been ignoring the issues in my relationship and almost (well probably did) just leave it and move on. I guess I probably do have to break up with my boyfriend. I'm just not sure thats the right move either right now

ciotog

Mentally you left your boyfriend some time ago. Doesn't seem to be anything in what you say that would give hope for rejuvenating the relationship. Most sensible thing would be to break up with your boyfriend - tell him you've grown apart from each other and don't see a way back.

patrick2007

Sounds to me like you'd be doing your current boyfriend a very big favour to be honest, why would he want to be with someone like you anyway, if you find yourself making up reasons not be be physical with him then there is something seriously wrong, wouldnt you agree?

Dudess

Helen, you don't seem a monster in this at all. You seem really quite considerate of your boyfriend's feelings and it sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about this. You are trying to weigh up the pros and cons and you're giving your boyfriend credit where it's due... but bottom line: you don't love him or even fancy him. You gotta break up with him, girl.

Lollipops23

I've been in a kinda similar situation OP, i had a chance to cheat(and man was he a hotty!) but didn't......i think when you realise that you wantto cheat, you know you gotta get out. You may not be as strong next time!and anyway, who wants to go out with someone that doesn't fancy you?do your BF a favour and end it.

pookie82

I think this is a classic case of realising that something is over, piece by piece, but being terrified to be the one to end it in case you're making a huge mistake. You aren't physically attracted to your boyfriend anymore and you're attracted to other people, both pretty sure signs that the relationship has reached it's end. Yet as you said yourself you're highly stressed at the moment in general and maybe this isn't helping you to think straight. I think maybe in the back of your mind, despite all of the evidence to the contrary, you're wondering if letting this guy go might be a huge mistake in the long run.

It's not a good sign that you got so close to this other person but you know that so I don't see the point of coming on here telling you again that it was wrong. And I do think that although it was a really bad sign that you felt like you did, you still didn't go the whole hog and just sleep with him and that does show some control and respect for your boyfriend. Ok what you did was wrong and it's an injustice to the person you're going out with but you didn't let it go too far and you've now cut contact with the other guy. None of us are perfect and there's a difference ( in my opinion) in being sorely tempted to do something and not acting on it out of knowing it's wrong, than going the whole hog and worrying about it later.

If you are as stressed out as you say you are in general, maybe you should sit your boyfriend down and tell him you want a break or a break-up or whatever you want to call it and say that you appreciate his feelings and him being there for you but that you're just not in a position at the moment to give anything to a relationship. Tell him you're undecided about what you're doing if you like, but that your gut is telling you you need to be away from anyone else but yourself for a bit. If you really feel like this is it then don't give him false hope for the future or string him along, but if you're worried that it's just a bad patch and you'll regret the break up, explain it all to him. He'll have every right to react badly and may tell you where to go, but the main thing is to be honest.

And if you do end it with him, don't go running to this other guy. he's already in a relationship and the pair of you would need to be rid of your OH and sure of your feelings before you run off together. If a relationship isn't going rosy it's tempting to look to another person and think they're perfect or they've got all you need but in reality it's usually just grass is greener syndrome.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Princess Helen

Thank you pookie I really appreciate your post.

I know I've done wrong and I pretty much at this stage know I need to break up with my boyfriend. In all of this he has done nothing wrong. I guess I still love him even if I dont fancy him and noone ever wants to be the person hurting someone they love.

So the question is how... and I have no idea. He's going to want answers I don't have. Like why don't I want to be with him anymore, why dont I fancy him? All of which just kind of happened over time and there is no reason.

I realise with regards to the other guy there was alcohol involved and we just fancied each other. But I came to my senses and hence cut contact. I have no dillusions he's interested in me when he has a girlfriend already who is also potentially going to get hurt. Its alot easier since he lives the other side of the country and in no way connected to any of my friends.

anyways I guess I got alot of thinking to do...

neuro-praxis

Lollipops23 wrote: »

...i think when you realise that you wantto cheat, you know you gotta get out.

I don't really agree with this. All people who are with partners for many years/forever (!) get tempted to cheat from time to time. The temptation in and of itself is not really a problem. It is your personal response to the temptation that matters.

OP, in your case, I think judging by how badly you wanted this other guy and your relative disinterest in your own boyfriend, that you should do the right thing by both of you and bring it to an end. Good luck.

Wibbs

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I don't really agree with this. All people who are with partners for many years/forever (!) get tempted to cheat from time to time. The temptation in and of itself is not really a problem. It is your personal response to the temptation that matters.

Exactly. I think in a long termer it's almost to be expected, but as you say not acted upon. In a relationship this short where you should be in the romantic phase I would worry. If this was 5 years down the line, then OK but the lack of attraction is not good. I would say if you can't find him attractive and you can't see that changing, then I would leave him for both your sakes.

estar

just for yourself in case you regret it or the other guy doesnt work out

you have to think of your boyfriend too and whats best for him

treat others like you would want to be treated and in most cases
you cant go wrong

Toots

estar wrote: »

just for yourself in case you regret it or the other guy doesnt work out

you have to think of your boyfriend too and whats best for him

treat others like you would want to be treated and in most cases
you cant go wrong

This is very true, plus as hurt as he will be if you break up with him now, it would be so much worse if you leave it another couple of years and realise your feelings haven't changed, but his feelings for you may have become deeper. It would be better for both of you to end things now.

LegacyUser

Princess Helen wrote: »

The problem is I just don't fancy him.

That's your answer. If you go off somebody, there's a reason for it. You did fancy him in the past, now you don't. What caused that?
But please break up with him. It's no good. You can't make the attraction come back.

pookie82

Princess Helen wrote: »

So the question is how... and I have no idea. He's going to want answers I don't have. Like why don't I want to be with him anymore, why dont I fancy him? All of which just kind of happened over time and there is no reason.

...

You just answered your own question there I think. Yes he'll want answers but just be honest and tell him that over time your feelings have lessened. It sounds like a cliche and all - I love you but I'm not IN LOVE anymore etc - but cliches exist cos they're the truth. And unfortunately this situation often occurs. You could make up all manner of excuses but nothing you say is going to make it easier if he doesn't want it to be over, so I wouldn't worry too much about the details of what he'll ask and what you'll have to say etc. Make sure he knows that it's nothing he did (another cliche, but again, this sounds like the truth in your case!!) but that you're just not feeling it anymore. It'll hurt him, but lying, and being tempted when you're out, will hurt him more. Imagine him stumbling across this thread and seeing how you really feel - no one wants to be on the other end of that. We'd all rather know (well sorry, I can't speak for everyone but I certainly would) if our partner felt this way.

Get it over with ASAP and let us know how it goes if you feel up to it!!!

Talliesin

Why do you actually want to "get over" this?

Why not just leave?

ashy28

my ex did something like that to me. he invited a girl over & she ended up sleeping in the same bed as him. now he told me that nothing happened, im not so stupid to believe that. but thats beside the point, the fact that he was looking else where is what hurt. it doesnt matter what he did with the other girl in the end. i wouldnt want to be with someone that was not with me 100%. your boyfriend should know what you're thinking & have a choice in this as well.

Miss Fluff

You did nothing wrong and I think you are handling this in a mature fashion. I think it is time to move on from what you say. OK, the honeymoon period is probably waning but you should still fancy the arse off him and not having sex at this early stage does not bode well. Don't let this linger, talk to him and tell him how you feel (and don't mention the other guy).

Talliesin

ashy28 wrote: »

my ex did something like that to me. he invited a girl over & she ended up sleeping in the same bed as him.

I'm not seeing the connection to the OP. What relevance does this have?

ashy28 wrote: »

now he told me that nothing happened, im not so stupid to believe that.

Why not belief him. There's hardly anything unusual in having someone visit (or visiting them) and sleeping in the same bed. Especially if you only have one bed (the average sofa compares poorly with the average bed, and it's nowhere near as friendly).

ashy28 wrote: »

the fact that he was looking else where is what hurt. it doesnt matter what he did with the other girl in the end.

So he invited her over, or he invited her over for sex?

ashy28

I was trying to point out what it is like from her boyfriends point of view. Not everyone is relaxed about their girlfriend sleeping in another guys bed, like you good self. Especially when their intentions are not completely pure. The fact that she was wanting things to go further means that she is not that happy in her current relationship. Maybe he wont find out the whole truth, but he still deserves to know what how she is feeling. He could be thinking that everything is fine, when its not.

As for your comments about believing my ex, well lets just say the evidence was stacked against him. Im not going to go into all the details, but Im positve his thoughts were not just for her comfort when he had her sleep in his bed. I think that you missed my point entirely; he was looking else where while with me. Regardless of what he did with the other girl, thats still a shot in the arm.

ashy28

I was trying to point out what it is like from her boyfriends point of view. Not everyone is relaxed about their girlfriend sleeping in another guys bed, like you good self. Especially when their intentions are not completely pure. The fact that she was wanting things to go further means that she is not that happy in her current relationship. Maybe he wont find out the whole truth, but he still deserves to know what how she is feeling. He could be thinking that everything is fine, when its not.

As for your comments about believing my ex, well lets just say the evidence was stacked against him. Im not going to go into all the details, but Im positve his thoughts were not just for her comfort when he had her sleep in his bed. I think that you missed my point entirely; he was looking else where while with me. Regardless of what he did with the other girl, thats still a shot in the arm.

john_aero

just in the overall view of things, if you were feeling like you wanted to kiss or be more involved with some one then there is issues with your other relationship. best id to explain to your bf what happened and say you need sort your head 1st. even if you want to be with your bf the fact that you nearly cheated means your not fully comitted and will just lead to trouble in the future

marthaclark

if I was your boyfriend I'd want you to break up with me. for my own good.

it's not your fault you're not attracted to him as much as you should be.. it's not even his.. but it will be your fault if you don't let him find someone who could love him and appreciate him more than you do. I think continuing on with this relationship might be a bit selfish on your part.

I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but eventually he'll realise the freedom you gave him was a gift.