Eldest brother driving us mad

The Denouncer

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Quality

My main reaction to your post is, are you not concerned about your father? At this point I think you should be more upset about the fact that your father could have cancer rather than being upset over your brother.

Obviously there are all different personalitys in families and some are more dramatic than others. But you need to step up now. Get your dad seen to by a doctor and get a diagnosis.

Your father should be a shared responsibility between the whole family and not just left to your brother.

Beruthiel

The Denouncer wrote: »

The house is filthy in comparison with my brothers own spotless house.

What have you done to help keep your Da's space clean?

You see my da is nearly blind too, and we have coem to the conclusion that he can't cope with my dad, but won't admit it.

Anyone would find it difficult to cope with.

He wouldn't even bring my da into the main house when he was that sick (a distance of about 8 feet), instead he just texted myself and my sister all night to worry us, to be the big man.

Do you have room in your house to have your Dad stay?

There is no point telling your Da what he 'might' have until you know for sure. This is a difficult time for everyone, but your Da now needs your attention. Wait until you know what he has and then the three of you can decide on what steps need to be taken next. Involve your Da in the decision making process if he's up to it.
As for all these texts, it's probably your brothers way of asking for your help, he probably feels alone and need to lean on ye. Asking him to stop texting him is basically telling him that you don't care how your Da is doing. At least, that's how it comes across from reading your above comments.

Bluefoam

Your brother sounds concerned and is acting reasonably. Sounds like yourself & your sister want the problem to disapear & your older brother is being taken advantage of.

How often do you take your dad out, have him over to your house, do something with him, visit him etc... Even tough he lives in a seperate house, I'm sure he is very much a part of your brothers life. Consider taking some responsibility & giving your brother a well deserved break.

IMO...

Jack B. Badd

When I read this I first thought that your brother was using your father to gain attention for himself with all the calls and texts.
After re-reading it and thinking back to when both my maternal and paternal grandparents were dying (and particularly one of my grandmothers who required almost a decade of constant care before she passed away) and how my parents and their siblings reacted I'm seeing things a bit differently. I think you're brother is genuinely concerned about your dad and the calls and texts are probably cries for help from you and your sister. As for home help, it sounds like a good idea but some people think it's a short step from home help to putting him in a home and that the family should be able to care for their own. Sure, your brother's not reacting in the most cool, calm and collected way if he's trying to cope with your father being (terminally) ill then this is probably part of a grieving process.
At this time, especially if your father does have cancer, you all need to pull together and care for him (this is probably going to mean a hell of a lot of sacrifices and hard decisions but you are talking about your father - this doesn't mean that ultimately home help wouldn't be a good idea). What you don't need is a "me and my sister versus my brother" attitude because at the end of the day you're father will probably be the one who suffers the most and families have fallen apart because of less. Good luck.

echosound

Quality wrote: »

My main reaction to your post is, are you not concerned about your father? At this point I think you should be more upset about the fact that your father could have cancer rather than being upset over your brother.

Obviously there are all different personalitys in families and some are more dramatic than others. But you need to step up now. Get your dad seen to by a doctor and get a diagnosis.

Your father should be a shared responsibility between the whole family and not just left to your brother.

Agreed - have to say that switching your phone off when you know your dad is sick is amazing - I'd be terrified in case I missed an important phonecall regarding his health or an unexpected deterioration

Also, I'd be grateful rather than resentful that your brother is keeping you all up to speed with your dad's condition, I'd hate to think that my own father had been told by the doctors that he may have stomach cancer, and for the sibling who heard this news to keep it to himself until the weekend was over????

Sounds to me like your brother is trying his best to take care of your father, and he is the one left looking after him most of the time. I wouldn't take it up that your brother "wants" your dad to die, rather he has gotten a shock and has realised your dad's days may be numbered and wants to make sure his life is as good as possible, and is upset at the thoughts of possibly losing your dad.

As for the not bringing him into the main house, how do you know it wasn't your dad that didn't want to spend the night out of his own house, some people don't like to have to spend the night in a bed that's not their own, and feel like they are perhaps interrupting the daily run of a household IYKWIM.

TBH, it sounds like you and your other sibling need to step up and spend time with your father and not leave it all fall on your brother's shoulders. Why not go to your father's house once a week and do some housework to keep on top of things? Why don't you take your father for a weekend to stay?

I see you mentioned that your wife's father died of cancer recently, sorry to hear that. But surely this would have made you realise the stress and upset this causes to family members, and how little time may be left if it turns out to be serious? Would you not be jumping through hoops to see that your father is well cared for and has the company of all of his children, not just one brother who is left coping with it all and who is "annoying" you by texting news of his health?

Honestly, without trying to be mean here, it sounds like you just don't want the hassle of having anything to do with your father on a day to day basis, and would prefer if you could get on with your life without having to think about him or your brother. Seriously man, your dad could be very sick. Put aside your issues with your brother who has been looking after him for the past 4 years, and pull together as a family around your dad.

Daithio

This is a tough situation, I can kind of see the OP's point and also where the brother is coming from.

On the one hand your brother is your father's primary carer, and this isn't an easy job, so you really have to take your hat off to him and give him credit for that, and also help in any way that you can.

On the other hand I think you need to talk to him and ask him to stop focussing on negative issues so much. Your Dad hasn't even been diagnosed with stomach cancer and your brother is focussing on it the whole time. I mean your Dad may be old and unwell but that's a pretty undignified way to treat anybody IMO. But you have to understand the stress your bro is probably going through as a result of the whole situation, so you can't really blame him for his actions.

I'd take him aside and tell him that you'll be there any time he needs a hand, and if he needs you to come over any time of night or day in an emergency or whatever then to give you a call. But I'd also ask him to stop focussing on the negatives so much, for your Dad's sake as much as yours, and tell him that in all honesty you don't need to hear about your Dad's goings on at 2 or 3 in the morning unless it's an emergency and he needs you to come over.

Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

I would suggest that your brother calls and texts because he is worried and needs to share the burden.

Since you and your sister dont have him living in proximity with you I would say to you not to be so quick to judge.

The space your father lives in is probably (or was probably) I assume an idea to give the man a bit of his own space.

If you know anything about old people they hate to be a burden and don't like to be moved out of familiar surroundings not matter how sick they are.

Your brother may be a little dramatic about this, but he cares.

You are speaking like a bit of a brat. Give the guy a break. Perhaps talk to him and ask him of his worries rather than being judgemental about the man who decided to house your father.

Carrigart Exile

Its P wrote: »

I would suggest that your brother calls and texts because he is worried and needs to share the burden.

Since you and your sister dont have him living in proximity with you I would say to you not to be so quick to judge.

The space your father lives in is probably (or was probably) I assume an idea to give the man a bit of his own space.

If you know anything about old people they hate to be a burden and don't like to be moved out of familiar surroundings not matter how sick they are.

Your brother may be a little dramatic about this, but he cares.

You are speaking like a bit of a brat. Give the guy a break. Perhaps talk to him and ask him of his worries rather than being judgemental about the man who decided to house your father.

I have to agree entirely with this OP. If you are cracking under the burden of a few texts on a Friday night, think what your brother is going through

The Denouncer

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nmk

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

I have to agree entirely with this OP. If you are cracking under the burden of a few texts on a Friday night, think what your brother is going through

+1 If you feel your brother can't cope, or is exaggerating the potential of bad news then try to get involved in the medical teams plan of care for him. I'm presuming your dad is an oap, there will may be a public health nurse visiting your dad at home to follow up on his care if this is the case (otherwise could you ask your dads gp to send on a referral?). Maybe this would break the ice on your brothers reservedness to have strangers coming through the house and he could be more amenable to home help? It would give him more (professional) support for the home situation, it really is no easy task looking after anybody, particularly if they have health issues.

I'm not having a go at you op, but I do get a sense from your post that you don't really want to be bothered by your brothers concerns. Best of luck with the situation, hopefully the more serious possibilities will be outruled and it's something relatively easy to sort out.

Miss Fluff

The Denouncer wrote: »

That is why I posted here but obviously in the hurry of posting I came across pretty badly. I think my brother was good to do what he did ORIGINALLY and get the house put in his (huge) back garden, but I strongely believe now that was a massive mistake now he is unable to look after him he is focusing his worries onto myself and the sister, but the thing is he is NOT taking my advice, he does NOT want home help or any of that because of the dog in the garden he's afraid will get out if someone opens the side gate, and I am worried sick about my dad living there, though I am man enough to admit that I would not be able to devote full time care either as I and my wife work, and perhaps the problem is my siblings are too weak to admit this too. I'd pay any money to see him receive full time care in a nursing home away from that house, which is the plan when he gets out of hospital, its the only solution.

Your second post, in an attempt to vindicate yourself even further, makes you come accross as an even more heartless and pathetic f8cker than your first. You seem to apportion all blame on your poor unfortunate brother (out of a Waltons size clan of offspring might I add!!!). Grow some balls. I know your poor wife and you are working all hours God send:eek: but for f8cks sake take some responsibilty. Turning off your phone is vile. Contributing money is fine but emotional support is needed too.

Daithio

WTF? Are you all insane? The guy offered to pay for home help for his Dad, but his bro wouldn't allow him because the dog might get out??? That can't really be classified as rational thinking.

He did a really big thing by taking the Dad on, and building the house in the back garden, but by the sounds of things he just isn't coping with the stress at all. He needs to let some other people be part of the decision making process involving his Dad, rather than just worrying them about it without actually letting them have any input.

LegacyUser

when i read your post at first i felt sorry for you, then i thought, what is your problem? It seems you dont want to be burdened, by your brothers situation or your fathers ill health. most of us wil have experienced a situation where a parent is ill and has to be looked after, this is when we discover who we and our close family really are.

Some may not be able to cope, and make excuses, this i think is what your brother is doing, the dog is an excuse he's using because maybe he cant cope alone with a sick person, even if it is not fatal, a bed-bound person is a lot to cope with if your alone.

You seem to feel your brother just doesnt want to help, but how is he any worse of a person than you? You cant look after him because you and your wife both work? When my grandfather was ill my gran and mother took a year off work to care for him...

You would prefer to put him in a care home, now i'm not saying this is wrong, of course there are times where its the only solution. However, you seem to want someone else to make these decisions so that you will not have to feel guilty?

I think you know the answers and will make a decision based on what you can live with. I hope you dad's health improves in any case.

greenteaicedtea

He needs to let some other people be part of the decision making process involving his Dad, rather than just worrying them about it without actually letting them have any input.

I agree with this, seems the brother isn't a great communicator