Home truths

fred funk }{

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE - What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
SO, Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Naos

I'm in two minds about this.

On the one hand, it is quite good, the nickname/children being the funniest.

On the other, men shouldn't pass on chain letters. Ever. Unless, there are some wimmens/beer promotions involved.

Zaph

[noparse]TL DR[/noparse]

Baudelaire

Yeah you're right OP, men are luckier but mainly because wimmin haven't got the ability to travel 10 years back in time to find old crap to resurrect as a "new, inciteful" thread on the dynamics of male/female interaction. Also coming soon from fred funk }{ the story of the brother of a friend of a friend of a friend who's gay lover shoved a hamster up his ass and then went looking for it but had to use a lighter to see clearly and the lighter lit the metane in the brothers arse which blew the hamster out at such speeds that it broke the boyfriends nose and synged his eyebrows but luckly baris (the hamster) escaped with just the smell of **** on him.

Carrigart Exile

Baudelaire wrote: »

Yeah you're right OP, men are luckier but mainly because wimmin haven't got the ability to travel 10 years back in time to find old crap to resurrect as a "new, inciteful" thread on the dynamics of male/female interaction. Also coming soon from fred funk }{ the story of the brother of a friend of a friend of a friend who's gay lover shoved a hamster up his ass and then went looking for it but had to use a lighter to see clearly and the lighter lit the metane in the brothers arse which blew the hamster out at such speeds that it broke the boyfriends nose and synged his eyebrows but luckly baris (the hamster) escaped with just the smell of **** on him.

women don't do criticism and jokes about them well; only women are allowed to pass around generalistic cliched nonsense as some form of right on sister soldier anarchy.

Mr. CooL ICE

I'm sorry, did some people unknowingly bring their handbags in here?

Tom Dunne

fred funk - no other way of saying this other than calm the F**K down.

Things are very laid back around here, but I will not tolerate outbursts like that. So, just take it easy and enjoy the craic.

(yes, I did delete his post)

watna

Tom Dunne wrote: »

fred funk - no other way of saying this other than calm the F**K down.

Things are very laid back around here, but I will not tolerate outbursts like that. So, just take it easy and enjoy the craic.

(yes, I did delete his post)

Aww, spoilsport!

Tom Dunne

watna wrote: »

Aww, spoilsport!

Spoilsport? He started it.

Now that I have a clearer head and I have actually read the drivel above, I think there is no option other than to bin this tripe.

Why can't we all just get along?