help

im heading abroad for 6 weeks and the problem i have is that my boyfriend says that if i go then basically its over between us as he doesnt trust me even though iv never given him a reason not too. We have been together now for a few years and im heading over to relatives and im going on my own. Should i wait till he dumps me or see if he comes around to the idea

TPD

Hate to say it but he sounds like an ass. Might have been looking for a reason to break up with you for other reasons, then this came up.

Have you suggested that he comes with you?

Silverfish

I think you should be doing the dumping.

he cant go with me due to work, he cant get the time off and hasnt the money for the journey as the flights are expensive

The_Conductor

Silverfish wrote:

I think you should be doing the dumping.

+1

junglebeanie

just go, if he dumps you thats his tough and if he doesnt trust you then maybe you shouldnt be together anyway. you can't wait around for otherpeople you gotta do what you gotta do

shinny

Honesty, just stop and think about it for a second. What advice would you give one of your friends if they said their b/f said this to them? I think you know the answer.

Emotional blackmail, that's all it is.

I know i just wish he would be more understanding, I understand that hes upset about me leaving him but if i dont go now then he will never let me go anywhere. It just really sucks that its come to this after weve been through so much together. I am going, I was never going to change my mind on that matter.

But should i wait till its nearer the time to make the decision on what to do about him or call it a day sooner, I really dont know what to do as i love him with all my heart.

shinny

[quote=[Deleted User];55082723]:( I know i just wish he would be more understanding, I understand that hes upset about me leaving him but if i dont go now then he will never let me go anywhere. It just really sucks that its come to this after weve been through so much together. I am going, I was never going to change my mind on that matter.

But should i wait till its nearer the time to make the decision on what to do about him or call it a day sooner, I really dont know what to do as i love him with all my heart.[/QUOTE]

Well, you have to look at the whole picture. Has he ever mad you not do anything else, even little things? Is the relationship worth the fight?

If you think it's worth the fight, then sit him down and tell him something that you really want to do. Tell him that if he cannot understand this and support you, you see no alternative but to end the relationship.

Doesn't bode well for your future if he's laying down the law already !!

Good luck, I know it's hard.

junglebeanie

Well I don't think its fair for him to treat you like that, so I would say to leave him sooner. If you have friends and support here at least you can call on those people to support you and then when you go away your feelings will be less raw and you can take some proper time away to gather your feelings.

Again I think the key to a successful relationship is trust and also you need to be able to do things on your own and have your own independance, if he is trying to take that away you need to grab it right back off him...hopefully then the going away will be the best thing you can do.

junglebeanie

Also its not easy and its also hard for outsiders to say what is best but your instincts should tell you whats right...

PixelTrawler

Good lord, its simple - he's the one with the insecurity issues.

Its a shame it may ruin things but just go, let him deal with it. Tell him to grow up.

He wont dump you - hes trying to blackmail you to stay - thats pretty much a sign he doesnt want to end it - but the blackmailing thing is not a healthy sign.
Your last words before you hit the plane should be "Fine. Its over so." Head off and enjoy yourself

Predhead

Joebloggs4817 wrote: »

Good lord, its simple - he's the one with the insecurity issues.

Your last words before you hit the plane should be "Fine. Its over so." Head off and enjoy yourself

Here, here! Well said.

He basically doesn't want you to enjoy yourself too much as he feels you might realize what you've been missing out on. He needs a life aside from your relationship - get rid of him and give him one.

IRISH RAIL

Do you love him ?
if so tell him its only 6 weeks to get a stack of porn and the goodbye sex and welcome back sex will be amazing and you have the rest of your lives together. I can understand his insecurites but it will happen anyway if hes that interested he will wait for you. if you dont go it will play on your mind for the rest of your life

funloving

if he thinks it's better to break up only because you're heading abroad for 6 weeks...do yourself a favor, dump him...

LadyJ

Are you sure he's not using you going away as an excuse to break up with you? Perhaps he has wanted to break up anyway but couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe he's using this as his out. Perhaps not but I have known men who've pulled that kind of crap. Creating a drama about something small to start an argument so that either you will dump them or at least they can dump you for a solid reason instead of just being honest and saying that they aren't happy. Women do this too btw. He could even be doing this subconsciously.

However, if that isn't the case and he really is just that insecure then he has to learn. Don't change your plans because your boyfriend can't be happy for you and have faith in you. This is ALL his problem. It is not about you. Ffs it's 6 weeks! That's nothing! My boyfriend is heading off to the States for 3 months. Do I want him to go? Of course not but I have no right to blackmail him into staying. Nor would I because I want him to go and have a great time because I love and respect him.

We both trust each other not to go off with other people because we know that neither of us would risk what we have. If you have never given your boyfriend any reason to doubt you then maybe he is projecting his thoughts onto you. Maybe he is more worried that he will cheat rather than you. I dunno, but it all sounds a bit suspect to me tbh.

star-pants

Hey OP - that is a bit harsh of your bf to say that ye have to break up because you'll be away for 6 weeks. It can seem long but people have done longer.
Like Lady J said there - her bf is heading off for 3 months.
I have a friend who's just started a year contract in Oz, her bf is still here. He's hoping to visit in a month or two, and maybe even try and get work, but breaking up was never an issue.
I had another friend who went on work placement in Boston for 6months - his gf came over for the last month. Again - no issue of breaking up.

If you were going off for a year or 6months travelling, you could understand a little maybe that he'd consider ye should take a break, but 6 weeks isn't much - and you're going to family - not on some mad 6week party full of boys.
He should trust you - and that seems to be the issue. Maybe ask him why he doesnt trust you - as LadyJ said, it could be his own underlying issues. Maybe he was looking for a way out, or doesnt trust himself to stay faithful. Either way - it doesn't sound right.

How Strange

smccarrick wrote: »

+1

+2

When I first read the mail I assumed you were going for 6 months and then I saw it was only 6 WEEKS.

Oh girl, give this fella an ultimatum - grow up or feck off. Don't let this ruin your holiday. He is being petty and nasty.

If he won't cop onto himself, break up with him and head off on your hols. You'll be having a ball so won't be thinking too much about him, he'll be at home miserable and by the time you get back he should've matured abit.

tbh

If he's like this when you are going for a holiday, how would he be if you were to start a new job, go to college, basically do anything that benefits you but doesn't include him. Two words: SEE YA!

Wibbs

6 weeks? Weeks? Oh for g... He's clearly very immature. Do not play into this. Tell him if that's what he wants then fine. If you don't teach him this now, your future with a guy like that will be very very difficult.

AngryBadger

Dump his ass.

Zzippy

+1 on the "its only 6 weeks and he's totally immature".
You need to sit him down and explain that you're going away whethere he likes it or not, that he can't control you or make you do anything, that he can't emotionally blackmail you into doing something, and that if he doesn't like it he can lump it.
If he comes around then you know he didn't want to break up with you really, he's just insecure and immature.
If he says fine then IMO this was just the excuse he was looking for, and now he can put the blame on you. In which case, you're much better off without him.

denhaagenite

It's all very easy for us to say "Dump him, he's an eejit" but reality is you love your boyfriend.

Tbh I wouldn't be too pleased to leave my man for six weeks, I'd miss him way too much, and while he wouldn't give me an ultimatum like this I know he'd be upset because it would be an out of character thing for me to do.

Have you booked your flights? Can you arrange to go at a time he can get holidays?

Just try to stand back and look at it from his point of view- maybe he has valid reasons that you don't know about. I suspect that the ultimatum may either have been put down in the heat of the moment or, as stated by a previous poster, is there a possibility that he wants to break up and is looking for a no- mess solution?

Good luck with this, it's not an easy situation.

Susannahmia

AngryBadger wrote: »

Dump his ass.

+1 He is trying to control you and it will only get worse.

r3nu4l

shinny wrote: »

Honesty, just stop and think about it for a second. What advice would you give one of your friends if they said their b/f said this to them? I think you know the answer.

Emotional blackmail, that's all it is.

Quoted For Truth (QFT)

[quote=[Deleted User];55082723]:( I know i just wish he would be more understanding, I understand that hes upset about me leaving him but if i dont go now then he will never let me go anywhere. It just really sucks that its come to this after weve been through so much together. I am going, I was never going to change my mind on that matter.

But should i wait till its nearer the time to make the decision on what to do about him or call it a day sooner, I really dont know what to do as i love him with all my heart.[/QUOTE]
Okay, you love him so I'm not going to suggest that you dump him. Your guy is obviously very insecure. He either wants to dump you himself and thinks this is the easiest (cowardly) way to do it or he reckons that other guys will be all over you and they will fall seduce you! Either way, he has problems. Sit him down, talk to him, ask him what exactly is his problem with you going on the trip. Ask him if he is afraid that other guys will hit on you. Tell him to man up and talk out his issues with you! Just try to reassure him that you won't get up to any funny business because you love him and him alone!

May I ask the original poster how old he is? Is this his first serious relationship? When I was younger I was a right insecure little prat Thankfully when my wife tells me that herself and her old college girlfriends are going away for weekends together I don't bat an eyelid, despite knowing that a good few of them are single and that they will all be dressing up well and going to pubs and clubs. I wish I hadn't been such a prat years ago but as I say I was insecure. Not anymore thankfully

Joebloggs4817 wrote: »

Good lord, its simple - he's the one with the insecurity issues.

Its a shame it may ruin things but just go, let him deal with it. Tell him to grow up.

He wont dump you - hes trying to blackmail you to saty - thats pretty much a sign he doesnt want to end it - but the blackmailing thing is not a healthy sign.
Your last words before you hit the plane should be "Fine. Its over so." Head off and enjoy yourself

Well, whatever about tellinghim "it's over", I do agree that you should still go away and don't let him guilt you into not going. Also, don't let him set down any rules about what you can and can't do when you are at home. For example, don't let him make you promise to call him every night at a certain time because that is usually a way of trying to force you to stay indoors and not go out and enjoy yourself. I never did that even at my most insecure but my brother-in-laws gf does that to him!!

Go away for the 6 weeks, enjoy yourself, talk to your bf each day at some stage, let him know you miss him etc but don't fall for any guilt trips!

How Strange

denhaagenite wrote: »

It's all very easy for us to say "Dump him, he's an eejit" but reality is you love your boyfriend.

Tbh I wouldn't be too pleased to leave my man for six weeks, I'd miss him way too much, and while he wouldn't give me an ultimatum like this I know he'd be upset because it would be an out of character thing for me to do.

Have you booked your flights? Can you arrange to go at a time he can get holidays?
Just try to stand back and look at it from his point of view- maybe he has valid reasons that you don't know about. I suspect that the ultimatum may either have been put down in the heat of the moment or, as stated by a previous poster, is there a possibility that he wants to break up and is looking for a no- mess solution?

Good luck with this, it's not an easy situation.

OMG, OP if you bow down at this point then expect to be treated as a door mat for the rest of your relationship. I totally agree with Wibbs on this....it's 6 weeks and he can't go so he's being very childish about it.

I would say DON'T follow this advice as you are playing right into his hands and this is not a 'he's a b1st1rd' post. I'm sure he's a lovely guy, you love him and you've been together a long time but really he is putting his own needs before yours and that isn't what a relationship is all about.

Sure he will miss you and even though you are away you will most probably miss him alot. But the two of you aren't joined at the hip. Think of the bigger picture - you have the rest of your lives together (if this obstacle is overcome) so what's 6 weeks?

This is really about asserting yourself and doing what you want regardless of how your bf is trying to scupper it. Talk to the bf but be firm, you are entitled to go on holidays and enjoy yourself and not feel bad about it.