Am I rebounding? Should I stop?

LegacyUser

Hi, trying to keep this short but need to give a bit of back story I think! My boyfriend of two years split up with me in November. We'd been on the rocks for some time and I'd been thinking of us splitting up too, in fact we almost had a couple of times (said it was over but then immediately made up again). However, the last time it was him ended it, he'd had enough, and even though I knew all the problems we'd had, I was still totally devastated and wanted him back. I still love him and would still take him back if he'd have me, but I realise now he won't, he doesn't love me any more, and I have to move on much as that breaks my heart.

A few weeks ago, I had a big night out with mates from work and ended up spending a lot of time with one guy, a mate I've known has had a bit of a crush on me for a while, he used to kinda mess flirty with me, but that Friday few weeks ago was full-on flirting, and for the first time since my boyfriend finished with me I felt really nice about something like this. I like this guy, he's a mate, he's smart, quite good-looking... Anyway, in work he starts emailing me lots and I start to feel good about this too, it's really nice to have all this attention. So, long story short, two weekends ago we were out again and I ended up going back to his place, which again felt really good. And he was telling me all this stuff about how he's been crazy about me for ages but didn't want to make a move on me while my fella was on the scene, but he was willing to wait as long as it took for me to notice him, etc etc, and those nice things (after all the nasty things said between me and my ex) felt SO good. Since then, we've been in touch loads, emailing ,texting, etc, and this weekend we were both out again with our mates on Friday and Sunday but spending most of the night talking to each other, and again, all good, all nice and I'm starting to feel a bit more like I'm over my ex.

Then last night he came over to my place to watch a movie, and I sorta freaked out. It suddenly felt way too 'coupley', like the sorta thing I used to do with my boyfriend (I know it's only watching a movie on the couch, but still) and this guy is NOT my boyfriend, I don't have anywhere near the same level of feelings for this guy as I did (do?) for my boyfriend and it suddenly felt so wrong to be behaving with this guy like we're a couple, and we're not. I started thinking last night "right, i'm rebounding, I have to stop this" but until last night I'd been feeling so good about seeing this guy, it didn't seem too serious or anything, just last night it hit me so hard that this might be a huge mistake.

I don't know should I stop seeing him or what, today in work there were still the emails and they were still nice, but I know he's out playing football tonight and part of me is kinda relieved that he's not gonna call or ask if I want to go out or something. I don't think I want to stop seeing him, don't want to stop the good feelings, but don't want to end up in a rebound relationship. Help!

Marksie

OP i have moved your post from the thread it was in to a separate thread of its own to avoid clutter

LegacyUser

thanks Marksie, only realised i had done that when it was too late, cheers

IRISH RAIL

Just do non coupley stuff for the time being and explain to him how your feeling if hes honest about how he feels then it shouldnt be a big deal

shinny

I think you need to be fair to him too. I would suggest meeting up with him and telling him how you are feeling. Tell him you like hanging out with him, but that you are not ready for anything serious at the moment.

If he truly likes you, then he will back off and let you get on with getting over your ex.

Set the expectations now, before it gets too messy and he ends up getting hurt.

Personally I would suggest being on your own for a while before jumping into another relationship. Be happy with yourself first.

WhiteWashMan

rebounder wrote: »

Then last night he came over to my place to watch a movie, and I sorta freaked out. It suddenly felt way too 'coupley', like the sorta thing I used to do with my boyfriend (I know it's only watching a movie on the couch, but still) and this guy is NOT my boyfriend, I don't have anywhere near the same level of feelings for this guy as I did (do?) for my boyfriend and it suddenly felt so wrong to be behaving with this guy like we're a couple, and we're not. I started thinking last night "right, i'm rebounding, I have to stop this" but until last night I'd been feeling so good about seeing this guy, it didn't seem too serious or anything, just last night it hit me so hard that this might be a huge mistake.

OK, while he may have ideas of you being single and him being single, youre still looking at him like a friend. and what do friends do?
they watch movies and chat and go the pub and enjoy each others company.

dont freak out coz youre enjoying yourself

rebounding is when you latch onto someone becuase youre upset and lonely after a break up. I have no idea if you are in this state or not, or what you are you doing.

but you know what, if it feels good, then do it. youre not obliged to marry the guy. you can go out for a few dates, have a few cosy evenings watching tv, have a few intimate moments without having to slip on your chastity belt and remain at the sink for the rest of your life!

rebounder wrote: »

I don't know should I stop seeing him or what, today in work there were still the emails and they were still nice, but I know he's out playing football tonight and part of me is kinda relieved that he's not gonna call or ask if I want to go out or something. I don't think I want to stop seeing him, don't want to stop the good feelings, but don't want to end up in a rebound relationship. Help!

then dont get into one.

enjoy the moments, but make sure that you tell him that you have boundries, and tell him where they are. but first, make sure you know where they are.

How Strange

I'd say slow the whole thing down a bit. Don't see him all weekend.

You are still getting over a breakup so don't let this just become a subsitute or a diversion for you. Especially if you really like the guy which you seem to.

Give him two nights a week and make one of them a weeknight. Go for dinner or a drink or to the cinema but don't watch dvd's at home.

You're right, that is far too coupley and settled for the very early stages of a romance.

It's understandable (to me anyway) why you would freak out about sitting around on the sofa watching a film. To me that is something that happens after a few months.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, guys.

In terms of talking to the guy about my situation, he knows it very well. In fact, much of our conversation on Friday night was me boo-hoo-ing about how sad I was that my relationship with my ex finished, how I'm not over him yet, blah de blah (was a bit drunk and emotional) and the guy offered a good shoulder to cry on. So he knows full well that I'm still not ready for a new relationship (or does he? should this not be pretty obvious, if I'm still crying over my ex and going on about how I still love him?)

I agree with How Strange, I'm gonna veto any more cosy nights in on the couch for now, that just didn't work.

White Wash man says: "you latch onto someone becuase youre upset and lonely after a break up. I have no idea if you are in this state or not, or what you are you doing"

Truth is, I am still upset and lonely. Big time. And this guy is makign me feel better. But I don't feel like I'm falling in love with him, he's somehow just kinda filling (part of) the big black empty space left by my ex. But I worry that letting a guy fill that space will maybe stop me healing properly, that I need to fill the space myself?

(When I came out of another long-term relationship before, that was what I needed to do, needed to learn to be ok and happy on my own, not needing a man around...)

Arrrggghh... Today the emails are still flying back and forth and I don't want to NOT reply, and we're talking about what to do at the weekend and stuff...

Aura

Been in this situation too where the guy knew 100% I wasn't over my ex and despite me telling him from get go I thought maybe it wasn't a good idea for us to be together while my head was still confused and as he was friends with my ex, was willing to wait for me to get my head sorted and get past my weekly freak outs at the entire situation. My head still isn't free of my ex and I don't think it really ever will be as is the case I believe when you truly loved someone but that's the part I think you just have to accept. If you don't, and trust me that part's still only a work in progress for me, you'll be forever stuck in limbo without the slightest chance of even being open to meeting someone else and that my dear ain't living!!

Just be honest with this guy as you have been and by all means only move at a pace you're comfortable with but don't lock yourself away either and maybe give yourself that little push sometimes.

Hope this makes some sense. As I said I'm still only processing half of it myself.

Best of luck,

Aura

togster

Same situation, well its a girl not a guy

Its more sex based though and i'm not sure how i feel about that.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation too with one of the first (of very many) girls I scored after breaking up with my ex two months ago. I was perfectly honest with her that I am not looking for a girlfriend and that it's just a fling. We meet up once a week to go to the cinema or for food and I usually stay over in hers. We get on great and have savage fun in the bedroom. It makes it easier that we are both going travelling soon. I think as long as you're honest it's fine.

hullaballoo

As people have already said, just take a step back. You're really only just out of a relationship and things haven't settled down yet. I'm out of my last relationship 2 1/2 years and I still don't think another relationship is for me yet.

Wibbs

rebounder wrote: »

T
(When I came out of another long-term relationship before, that was what I needed to do, needed to learn to be ok and happy on my own, not needing a man around...)

Nail on the head. You need to be yourself for a while or you will never get over the old and make a go of anything new. You need that alone time to process and understand the old relationship. If you don't you'll screw with your own head and may hurt someone else. I have made it a policy never to go out with someone right after a serious long termer. It very rarely works unless it's casual. Even then.....

Just take this one very slow indeed. Don't do a repeat of blubbing about your ex to him. That's just selfish frankly. Talk to your friends, not to this guy. He fancies you so he'll listen to anything at the moment, but it's not fair on him and is a bad start for a relationship.

rebounder

Hi everyone. Bit lost tonight so just thought I'd post again.

Tried to follow all your advice - didn't see yer man all week (other than thru work, we have to see each other occasionally), then had a conversation with him (admittedly by text, I know this is the coward's way but there ya go, guess I'm a coward) about how I needed to keep this light and not get too coupley, and he said it was cool. Now tomorrow we're going skiing (I don't live in Ireland at the moment - this is kinda normal saturday activity!) and I was really looking forward to it, but tonight i CRASHED big time, got home from work and just started bawling thinking about my ex, have spent most of the night here on boards.ie reading through other people's break-up stories and crying, until about half an hour ago when I called yer man and kinda picked a fight with him. Thankfully he kinda talked me out of it (the fight i was trying to pick) and we're still meant to be going out tomorrow, and I'm glad... I think... so why am I still sitting here on the couch knocking into the red wine and crying about my ex?

I had a great day at work today, had some good chats with girlfriends (not about my ex, just about life in general) and generally a really good day, and am due to go on a nice fun date tomorrow with this guy... and yet all I can think about is my ex. Am trying to stalk him online (facebook/bebo etc.) and everything, EVERYTHING i'm thinking is about him. God I miss him so much.

Sorry, this isn't much of a question, just a bit of a rambling rant. Boards is such a great therapist