What to do? Needs opinions.

LegacyUser

Hi guy's,

Need to get some outside advice on this, been with my girlfriend 3 years but am starting to have serious doubts about her now, basicly she doesn't have any friends of her own there all based through my friends bar one or two which makes it almost impossible to ever see some of my mates , every night she wants nights alone and if anybody comes around she complains, in the past year I think i've been out for a night on my own a total of 6 times and each time she's gone mad, I went out with the lads this Friday and had a 3 day arguement with her over it. Everything with her life gets blamed on me, now she has started threatning to kill herself and start talking bout getting a gun and "Ripping my nuts off and using them as a necklace". I think she's bang out of order but there's no talking to her, my feelings for her are really beginning to fade but i'm afraid to leave her incase she does something stupid i've tried talking all this out with her but it always ends up back the same and is just getting worst.

I've done everything I can for her in the past few years, I've seen her almost every night, take her places etc , I've encouraged her to go out and see her mates that she does have but she never does then will blame me for not letting her see them???...Sometimes it's like talking to a wall and i get so frustrated I could rip my hair out. Plus the fact that i've been in a relationship so long I can't remember single life at all guess in a way i'm scared of it.

To top it off I think I like one of my best mates, we've been mates for years and lately i've started...I dunno i just think I have a bad crush on her but i forget what that feels like cause I aint had one in years, I know nothing will happen as shed never see me in that way but even having it i think shows me it's time to move on as my head is in a differant place. Seriously confused on what to do in this one.

deathstarkiller

Whoa, at first I was just going to say you need to let her know you need a certain amount of your own space but after reading the threatening to kill herself part I'm afraid you just have to end it. That's emotional blackmail and she needs some help.
I was in a relationship for a few years and she seemed to have no friends of her own, none she hung out with anyway. It begun to drive me nuts so I started doing some of my own activities, I did a drama course and joined a gym. Then I picked one to two nights a week where I did something with my mates, didn't matter whether it was going for a drink, going to the cinema or just hanging out watching movies somewhere. I thought that maybe she'd begin to do some of her own things but no, she'd just sit at home and wait for me and then sulk for ages about it. In the last few months of the relationship I was doing more and more things and hardly ever seeing her and she'd still just sulk so I finally just sat her down and ended it. I reckon you need to do this because it's only going to get worse. She definitely needs some help though.

K_P

If you're not feeling anything for her anymore, and you're having 3 day rows about you seeing your friends on a night out, then it's time to end it. I'm not even going to go into her threatening to kill herself, other than to say it's emotional blackmail of the very worst kind and shouldn't be tolerated.

I don't quite know where the confusion comes from OP. It'll be hard to end things, of course, but it looks like it's what you need to do.

Wibbs

oxtail soup wrote: »

Need to get some outside advice on this, been with my girlfriend 3 years but am starting to have serious doubts about her now,

The 3 year mark can be that time alright.

basicly she doesn't have any friends of her own

Not good for a relationship......

there all based through my friends bar one or two which makes it almost impossible to ever see some of my mates , every night she wants nights alone and if anybody comes around she complains,

..... and here's the reason why.

in the past year I think i've been out for a night on my own a total of 6 times and each time she's gone mad, I went out with the lads this Friday and had a 3 day arguement with her over it.

Very childish on her part, though it's down to her not having an independent life of her own.

Everything with her life gets blamed on me,

Deferring responsibility onto others. Self worth issues seem obvious. That's why she's become dependent on you and has no life outside the relationship. Again a sure way to have it fail.

now she has started threatning to kill herself

How likely is she to follow through on that or is it just emotional blackmail. Clearly you're not a shrink but you know her well enough at this stage to make some sort of call. If you think there's the slightest possibility, could you get her to talk to someone?

and start talking bout getting a gun and "Ripping my nuts off and using them as a necklace".

All talk I would imagine. Dangerous talk nonetheless.

I think she's bang out of order but there's no talking to her, my feelings for her are really beginning to fade but i'm afraid to leave her incase she does something stupid i've tried talking all this out with her but it always ends up back the same and is just getting worst.

From your side of it, she seems emotionally immature, needy with low self worth and little life outside of you. If she doesn't value herself how do you think she'll be ever able to value you? How old is she?

I've done everything I can for her in the past few years, I've seen her almost every night, take her places etc , I've encouraged her to go out and see her mates that she does have but she never does then will blame me for not letting her see them???...

Basically you're facilitating her continued reliance on you. While you feel you're doing the right thing, being always available is clearly having the wrong effect. Could you try weaning her off you time and emotion wise?

Sometimes it's like talking to a wall and i get so frustrated I could rip my hair out.

Been there.

Plus the fact that i've been in a relationship so long I can't remember single life at all guess in a way i'm scared of it.

Staying in a relationship out of pity, guilt and most of all fear is not good. Not good at all. Too many do it and it's unhealthy for both parties.

To top it off I think I like one of my best mates, we've been mates for years and lately i've started...I dunno i just think I have a bad crush on her but i forget what that feels like cause I aint had one in years, I know nothing will happen as shed never see me in that way but even having it i think shows me it's time to move on as my head is in a differant place.

I suspect that's a symptom of your malaise and you're looking for an emotional liferaft, even as you say yourself, you know it to be a fantasy.

Seriously confused on what to do in this one.

I'll tell you this, you will never "save" her. As I said I've been there and the more you try to do the less success you will have. The person I tried to help is still the same 10 years on. You can't be responsible for her feelings. Only she can. You can't be responsible for her life and friendships. Only she can.

I would suggest talking to her and tell her how her actions are making you feel. If she starts an argument, stop talking to her and back off. Explain that you will only engage with her when she's calmed down. Do that everytime she goes too far and she may learn that an adult discussion in an adult relationship requires two adults. If you think she's got mental issues, you could broach the subject of counseling. She may flip out on that one though. Blame you for calling her "mental".

Ultimately it's a difficult one, but if one partner isn't willing to grow, then the relationship can never work. At that point and after you have exhausted all options you're willing to take, then I would leave her. Life is too short to waste another 3 years. Thats my take anyhoo.

tbh

"listen, we've been going out for three years now, and i think you're great. One thing that bothers me is that I don't really get to see a lot of my mates anymore, and i guess you don't either. So, I'd like to have one night a week/month where I'm just hanging out with the lads. That's ok isn't it? no? well this is a dealbreaker for me, I don't think it's too much to ask, so either you agree or we are done."

LegacyUser

Wibbs thanks for that reply. I've asked her to get help before she told me she didn't need it and to f**k off basicly, I've tried explaining I need time by myself she called me a selfish f**k and accused me of caring more about my mates than her. She's also pressuring me to move in with her because her life at home is awful with her family having all sorts of problems, I think if I lived with her though i might actually crack up myself. I should mention she's 20 i'm 21.

How likely is she too follow through with threats I honestly don't know she can be unpredictable , I do feel sorry for her and I don't want to hurt her but it's starting to really effect me. I've already lost so many friends from never being able to see them. It's like she wants me all to herself all the time.

Wibbs

IMHO I would walk away. I really would. This will more than likely get worse rather than better. You're both too young to be having this level of stress. Move in together? Madness. Her family is her business, not yours. How her actions and reactions are affecting you is the issue. If she can't or won't meet you halfway, then break up. If you do that, drop 90% of contact. Don't offer to be her friend either. It'll just prolong it. Short sharp shock. Sometimes people need that to grow.

4Xcut

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO I would walk away. I really would. This will more than likely get worse rather than better. You're both too young to be having this level of stress. Move in together? Madness. Her family is her business, not yours. How her actions and reactions are affecting you is the issue. If she can't or won't meet you halfway, then break up. If you do that, drop 90% of contact. Don't offer to be her friend either. It'll just prolong it. Short sharp shock. Sometimes people need that to grow.

There's a reason why Wibbs is a mod. He is right. The only thing i would advise is completely cut contact, 100% rather than 90%. 90% has a habit of becoming smaller and smaller.

tbh

Oxtail Soup wrote: »

How likely is she too follow through with threats I honestly don't know she can be unpredictable , I

not your problem, my friend. If you are really worried, talk to her parents. She's sinking, and she's taking you with her. Harsh? maybe. But it's the only thing to do. As wibbs said, it's not up to you to save her.

LegacyUser

Cutting all contact may push her over the edge, I wouldn't want her to think i'm taking her mates aswell and don't wanna drag them into the middle of it. I've tried breaking up with her before and she just wouldn't accept it she'd beg and cry at me for hours saying it'll change, then it never does and goes back the same. She's made a show of me in front of housemates while argueing throwing thing's and screaming and running out the door coming back etc, she'd also come down univited barge in and start shouting and if I ask her to leave she'll sit on a wall nearby and say thing's like " If you leave me here i could be raped etc and it'll be your fault" so I end up having to go out and spend ages calming her down. The more I type the more i see the big picture here, but's thing's into perspective.

togster

What tbh said

You can't be reponsible for what she might or might not do.

You have 2 options: Stay with her and let her pull you down with her

or

get out, talk to her parents to fill them in.

You will be doing her and yourself a favour in getting out.

4Xcut

You say you're worried she'll think you're taking all her mates on her. You're not. They're YOUR mates. There's going down with the ship when there aren't enough lifeboats and there's staying on a sinking ship when you can swim to shore out of a sense of duty or obligation. Its admirable that you want to help her, but you can't. What she needs is a wake up call telling her that her behavior is not acceptable.

Apologies for being harsh but its a case where you have to be cruel to be kind. Think about the fact that we only get one shot at this life and do you really want to put more time into a lost cause.

If you're still not convinced to leave her, try this. Answer, honestly(i can't stress how important honesty with yourself is here) the following question.

If someone else was on here looking for advise, would you tell them to leave in this situation?

milkerman

I have been here. Take my advice and RUN LIKE HELL! Wibbs probably expressed it in a more logical fashion but I think the conclusion is the same.

You are responsible only for YOU.

You are 21 and already your life is being curtailed by your gf/partner. A healthy man/woman relationship will enhance your life - not restrict it.

I think you know this already.

flyingdagger

After reading your post,alarm bells are ringing and i would have to say,imo,that you need to walk away asap.There were a few parts to your mail that stood out-

First off the threats: "she has started threatning to kill herself and start talking bout getting a gun and "Ripping my nuts off and using them as a necklace"

Take a long look at that statement.That is emotional blackmail of the highest order.It screams of insecurity.Nobody who cares about you/loves you would ever place that guilt trip on you.She's sounds like a bully,dominant and one who throws a hissy fit if she doesn't get her own way all the time.Feel free to correct me if i'm wrong.Staying in a relationship with someone because you're afraid of what they might do?Not healthy for either party.

It's healthy to want to hang out with mates and do your own thing.Why should she be so negative towards you doing these things?

you mention that you've encouraged her to go out and see her mates that she does have but she never does then will blame you for not letting her see them.From the sounds of it you have done everything you can to facilitate her moods/rages/insecurity etc and she is treating you like s***.I would take her aside,clearly and calmly speak to her about the way you feel,and end things if you no longer love her.She may be only 20 but she's an adult,from the sounds of it she needs to cop on and start acting like it.

tbh

Two choices, each with a price and a payoff.

1. Easy choice. Stick with her. Price: head will be wrecked. She'll get worse. Payoff: No more hassle about whether to break up with her or not.

2. Hard Choice. dump her. Price: Takes a bit of balls. Payoff: Free forever.

To quote Kell, it really is that easy.

by the way - she's 20. She's not going to shoot you, and she's probably not going to kill herself. and even if she did, it's nothing to do with you.

sunnyjim

Oxtail Soup wrote: »

She's made a show of me in front of housemates while argueing throwing thing's and screaming and running out the door coming back etc, she'd also come down univited barge in and start shouting and if I ask her to leave she'll sit on a wall nearby and say thing's like " If you leave me here i could be raped etc and it'll be your fault" so I end up having to go out and spend ages calming her down.

Janey mack, I hope she isn't the same black haired girl from Coolock who did the exact same to my mate.

Break contact mate.

So far, everything you've done has been logical and rational, don't stop that now!

Toots

tbh wrote: »

She's not going to shoot you, and she's probably not going to kill herself. and even if she did, it's nothing to do with you.

This sounds harsh but it's probably true, it's very unlikely that she'll kill herself, and if she does try, then it won't be just because you dump her, there's gonna be other factors there too. This girl is looking for attention, and trying to emotionally blackmail you. OP, you need to look out for yourself, this relationship is not healthy for you, you're clearly not happy with it, so why are you staying? As other posters have said, if you're really concerned, tell her parents what she has being saying (the killing herself bits, not the part about ripping your nuts off, they probably won't really need to know that) but break up with her. Cut contact, don't do the 'just friends' thing, cos you'll never have a moments peace. Be prepared for a barrage of texts and calls after it's done. You may even want to think about changing your number if it gets too much, but you'll be better off in the long run.

For the love of Jaysus don't move in with her! If you think she's bad now, it'll be ten times worse if you move in together, and it'll be much harder to get away. TBH, she sounds like she's not a very balanced individual, even if she has no intention of going through with it, threating to 'rip off your nuts and wear them as a neclace' isn't exactly pillow talk now is it? I'd say things to my OH, like 'I'll give you a smack' in a joking way, if he's winding me up, but never anything like that. Let alone threatening to buy a gun???

OP, you know what you need to do, the hard part is going to be deciding whether or not you're going to go through with it.

Baudelaire

OP you need to get out of there fast, I know you're probably worried about what she'll do but thats because everything she says to you, all the threats she makes about killing herself or getting raped she's constantly placing the blame on you i.e. "it'll be your fault" and then you're getting a guilt trip and accepting the responsibility for her actions, stop! she's 20, she makes her own choices, you can't be blamed for them. As regards the threats to kill herself trust me it's a harder thing to do than say, at most if she was to try it'll be half heartly, she'll fail miserably and then may get the help she seems to need but that still won't be your fault, she may think she's teaching you a lesson but she may learn one herself. She wouldn't know where to get a gun so thats just hot air, To be honest the best thing to do is end it and if she threatens suicide call her bluff and just say "Well that's what you choose but remember it'll be your choice, I'd hate for you to succede but I won't blame myself for your actions" say "you" to her alot and emphasize it, this makes it clear to her that you are no longer willing to accept responsibility for what she does. That might sound like a load of crap, I don't know, but I can guarantee this will only get worse and as long as you keep taking responsibility you're enabling her behaviour and it's not good for either of you. Good luck and I really hope things work out for the better.

madbev90210

hi OP, just wanted to say that I have told my boyfriend that I didnt want to carry on (putting it mildly!) at times but I have never blamed him on anything as he does nothing but support me. If I feel like sitting in and wallowing in self pity I tell him to go out and see his friends as I want him to enjoy life. I do have friends, just all practically married!
anyway, my point is I understand your girlfriends unstable mental health and shes probably going through hell but it is not your problem and you cant save her... especially if she wont admit to having a problem!
Her behaviour towards you is unexcusable and you have to get out of this relationship for your own mental health. You sound like a great guy and have given to this girl without getting anything back. Move on and find someone who you can have fun with. Your only young! Good luck

tritium

OP
If you stay in this relationship you will gradually move to the point where you have no life of your own

If you stay in this relationship your girlfriend will never have a chance to be forced to grow up and deal with some pretty serious issues she has.

This is not a healthy relationship, and letting it continue is not a good option. A relationship built on emotional blackmail and control is not an equal, giving or loving relationship.

Do both of you a favour and bring this to a head. You can't force your girlfriend to take or not take any action to try to control the situation, however by not giving in you at least show that this behaviour won't work. My 2c is to walk away.

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice , it's amazing how much it can be made to be your fault and after a while she had me believing that I actually wasn't doing enough for her and that I was in the wrong for wanting to go out etc or just have 3 hours in the evening alone to chill. Not only that but I used to be such a self confident person I feel like i've lost so much of that in myself but i know I can get back and be happier in myself. She wasn't always like this the person I did love is gone...she's just not the same, but there were good times.