First poem on net... Feedback would be really great, thanks ;-)

JesusWlksDisWay

If I had only a few hours to live,
There is nothing at all that I wouldn't give,
Than to go to my bed and take my last breath,
And dream of you as I quietly slept,

You in my dreams are simple perfection,
A picture painted poorly by poetic description,
A vision and image more justly defined,
nowhere else, but in the eye of my mind,

Fleeting thoughts and memories together combine,
As tears join my eyes to the edge of my smile.

gbh

It's good...

djeddy

Nice poem

Bungalow Bill

Really enjoyed this one, great idea.

Insect Overlord

that final couplet is fantastic, nicely done

JesusWlksDisWay

Thanks all, really appreciate it.

analyse this

The last two lines are wonderful!

Im a bit confused with the second stanza though:(

'You in my dreams are simple perfection, A picture painted poorly by poetic description'

I just found it contadictory...perfection-picture painted poorly? A crude attempt at alliteration perhaps?:) And then, to add insult to injury, you go on to conradict your previous contradiction by suggesting that nowhere is the image more defined that in the 'eye' of your mind. How could that be when you no more than a line ago you said that the individual in your dreams was like a 'poorly painted picture'?

Try and avoid forcing poetic stylisations upon your writings, particularly when you run the risk of losing the integrity of your work.

JesusWlksDisWay

Thanks Analyse,
What i was getting at, is that in my dreams she is completely perfect, so much so, that no words can describe her perfection, "a picture painted poorly by poetic description".

The individual in my dreams is not a poorly painted picture, "she" is so perfect (in the "eye" of my mind) that even the most artful of language (poetry) can not do her justice.

Eire 4Ever

great

ClassicDisaster

...with only my rudimentary leaving cert knowledge of poetry the one thing which really stuck out was your regular punctuation, but complete lack of full stops? its confusing because I was taught that punctuation was there to slow things down, but your one big sentence in a way speeds things up and shows me some sense of…I dono, rushing…? I’m probably completely wrong though.

But that aside, nice poem:p

St Bunt

Nice poem.
Only wish I could appreciate these more though.
My first experience of poetry was getting a slap from some teacher or other if we failed to learn what we didn't understand off by heart.

hypercrawl

JesusWlksDisWay wrote: »

If I had only a few hours to live,
There is nothing at all that I wouldn't give,
Than to go to my bed and take my last breath,
And dream of you as I quietly slept,

You in my dreams are simple perfection,
A picture painted poorly by poetic description,
A vision and image more justly defined,
nowhere else, but in the eye of my mind,

Fleeting thoughts and memories together combine,
As tears join my eyes to the edge of my smile.

Who's your favourite poet?

By the way, I'd ignore 'analyse'.
It's clear that the dream is the perfection and the 'poorly' is your own description of your attempt to do justice to your vision; and that the poetic description is your attempt to do justice to the image in your head.

That's a good start. read some poetry,try harder and ignore anonymous people on websites. (yes, that includes me).

The_Minister

Me likey....and normally I think that everthing in this forum is steaming, so thats really a compliment.

maninamousesuit

Great poem with its own style...The simple rhyming pattern throws me a bit. Words come esay to you though. Write more and let us see what you come up with..For some reason i keep thinking of Walt Whitman....Maybe read "Leaves of Grass" and see if it pushes you on...But do not stop..You have a talent. The mouse has spoken:D

buck65

Well done , brave putting a poem on boards.
Quite a traditional poem I would say. Certainly reminds me of a poem from he early 1900s in structure. Don't know alot about poetry though.

Y2J IS GOD

its very good

stick-dan

i like it keep up the good work and post some more!

nerdysal

I absolutely love it.

conorpacman

Yea. Very nice. Final part did it for me.

elleA

Interesting poem. Lovely and well thought out. I, too, love what you are trying to say in the couplet at the end but found I had to read it several times to appreciate it. On first read, I thought there were too many syllables in the first line of the couplet. However, I don't think any poem should be judged on first reading and I'm really glad I read and re-read this :-) Just wondering, do you have a title for it?

summer_ina_bowl

that is really, really nice - whatever about the fast pace etc mentioned above, it's just really... nice!