My friend killed herself... now what

LegacyUser

On wednesday night I had several missed calls from my mam and a text saying that she'd ring me again in the morning, that it was nothing urgent. The next morning, I got two more missed calls from her and her third call woke me up and I answered. She said she was sorry to have to tell me this over the phone (as she lives the other side of the country), and then told me that my friend had died. All I remember is hyperventilating and not being able to breathe, and worrying about whether or not I was going to be able to catch my breath, while I cried in so much shock. Mam was still on the phone, which I had dropped on the bed, and I could hear her saying my name. I eventually found some strength to tell her I was okay, and I told her I'd ring her back later.

It turned out my friend, who had had depression for years and was on anti-depressants for it, had been found hanging in her bedroom on wednesday afternoon. Following my initial hysterical reaction, I decided I would now numb myself to this whole situation because if I let myself think about it I will just become hysterical.

Today I travelled across the country to attend the funeral, which is in 7 hours time from now. I didn't make it to the removal this evening on time, but I could have if I wanted to, but I didn't want to because I knew it was going to be an open-casket. My young, 22-year-old friend, lying there in a coffin, in that state... I mean wtf???

Her favourite songs when we met were Maneater and Ain't No Other Man by Nelly furtado and Christina Aguilera.... these songs now make me feel.... God, I can't describe it.

The past two days, I've told myself, "No, that was a dream. She's not dead, don't be stupid!!!" and then literally laughed the whole thing off because there's no way it could be true!! And this is how I've kept myself consistently numb.

"She's my friend, she's not dead..... she would never do something like that!! No, sure we'll be in the pub together tomorrow night! As normal!".... these are the thoughts in my head.

My friends can't help because they don't see that there's much to help, since on the outside I'm acting like normal. But on the inside, it's a totally different matter.

Just I've never had to deal with this before. I don't know what happens next, what to do, what to say.... I'm actually just so numb it's unreal.

whatsgoinon

My very deepest sympathies to you OP. Losing someone so young in such tragic circumstances is awful. I attended the funerals of 4 friends under the age of 30 last year, like you on the outside, I seem like I'm ok, but I can't even drink a cup of tea cos thats what one of my friends was made about, and even to see a box of barrys in the supermarket has me on the verge of tears. I think all my friends are putting on a brave front as well, well not a brave front, but the facade that everything is alright. Everytime I bring up any of the people that have died in conversation, the topic is always changed quickly. I want to talk about them not forget about them, kind of make it like they are still around if you know what i mean.

My mam has been brilliant, she has been there when i have been crying and sobbing and ranting about how it was so unfair, they had their lives ahead of them. My advice is find someone to talk to, sometimes its hard to talk to a friend when something like this happens, get in touch with a grief counsellor or the samaritans, please don't bottle it up. make sure you're eating.

I hope this helps even a tiny big OP, its such a horrible situation to be in, and I'm sure there will be people posting on here, with lots more support and advice for you
x

LegacyUser

A best friend of mine died several years ago. For that whole day that he had died the facts just didnt register.I thought something was wrong with me because i wasnt all that upset.The next day i picked up my phone to ring him, i was 3/4's of the way through typing his number when i realised what i was doing, i cried for a long time after that.But i felt slightly better having got my head straight on the matter although it felt wretched.

I really feel for you OP.....but you have to come out of that denial/numb state,its not good for you,try to remember why she was your friend,why you liked her because you HAVE to grieve.Its just natural OP it has to happen. It wont be a short process and to this day it still puts me in a bad mood to think of my friend but it does get better, i promise.
Also dont be afraid to show your friends just how you feel,thats what they're there for, i gained tremendous support from mine.
Best of luck OP.

muboop1

numb wrote: »

On wednesday night I had several missed calls from my mam and a text saying that she'd ring me again in the morning, that it was nothing urgent. The next morning, I got two more missed calls from her and her third call woke me up and I answered. She said she was sorry to have to tell me this over the phone (as she lives the other side of the country), and then told me that my friend had died. All I remember is hyperventilating and not being able to breathe, and worrying about whether or not I was going to be able to catch my breath, while I cried in so much shock. Mam was still on the phone, which I had dropped on the bed, and I could hear her saying my name. I eventually found some strength to tell her I was okay, and I told her I'd ring her back later.

It turned out my friend, who had had depression for years and was on anti-depressants for it, had been found hanging in her bedroom on wednesday afternoon. Following my initial hysterical reaction, I decided I would now numb myself to this whole situation because if I let myself think about it I will just become hysterical.

Today I travelled across the country to attend the funeral, which is in 7 hours time from now. I didn't make it to the removal this evening on time, but I could have if I wanted to, but I didn't want to because I knew it was going to be an open-casket. My young, 22-year-old friend, lying there in a coffin, in that state... I mean wtf???

Her favourite songs when we met were Maneater and Ain't No Other Man by Nelly furtado and Christina Aguilera.... these songs now make me feel.... God, I can't describe it.

The past two days, I've told myself, "No, that was a dream. She's not dead, don't be stupid!!!" and then literally laughed the whole thing off because there's no way it could be true!! And this is how I've kept myself consistently numb.

"She's my friend, she's not dead..... she would never do something like that!! No, sure we'll be in the pub together tomorrow night! As normal!".... these are the thoughts in my head.

My friends can't help because they don't see that there's much to help, since on the outside I'm acting like normal. But on the inside, it's a totally different matter.

Just I've never had to deal with this before. I don't know what happens next, what to do, what to say.... I'm actually just so numb it's unreal.

hey...

iv been there... my friend killed himself with hanging to...

what you have to do is get on with life... a life has ended but not yours....

you will talk, will remember... even be sad... but in the end, you will be yourself, and learn from mistake of otherrs...and as harsh as it seems... im sorry... but honestly you will be ok...

my friend was 17 as was i at time! songs i couldnt listen to for over a year... unfortunatly and mabey happily eventully those songs will just serve as a reminder of the good times...

there is nothing else i can say... except you are going to need support of your friends... and they from you... lean on eachother for it...

Elessar

Take comfort from the fact that she is at peace now.

Definitely arrange to speak to a bereavement councillor, www.console.ie should help with that.

www.sosadireland.ie is a good website aswell.

Take care.

StormWarrior

I'm so sorry. A friend of mine killed himself 8 years ago. I think you really need to let yourself feel this properly, if you bottle it up it's going to come out sooner or later, perhaps in a worse way. Think about getting some counselling, and talk to your other friends. Don't go through it alone.

LegacyUser

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. I have also lost friends to suicide and it's incredibly shocking and traumatic, even when you know that the person involved was ill. Feeling numb and being in denial are normal reactions and they will pass. Don't be afraid of being sad. As others said it's good to have someone to talk/cry/rant to. Maybe your mum if your friends aren't ready for it? You will get through this.

SarahSassy

OP, this is incredibly sad. I have no words of wisdom for you but hope you can rely on others for support to get you through this horrific day.

<hugs>

panda100

Op my heart really goes out to you.
In the last five years Ive been to two funerals of friends who've commited suicide.Nothing is more heartwrenching then going to the funeral of a friend who you shared laughs,fun time,good times and badtimes with.To think you'll never see them again is a horrible feeling.
I like you was feeling complete numbness and directionless after the loss of my friends,However I channeled this into something more positive and became very active in various NGO's in Ireland for suicide prevention.
The most importnat thing is to not bottle it up.
Unfortunatly there is a very scant support network for those berevead by Suicide in this country. All aspects of suicde prevention are completly underfunded. However Id really reccomend spunout.ie to have a look through as they offer lots of support and advice for people suffering a huge loss like you.
Hope thats a help

Overheal

****in hell

Reading your post brought back bad memories, and let me just convey my deepest sympathies!

We all greive in different ways but I guess I went the same route as you: while all my family were sobbing and such, I was stone. Tried to just hang on while it was all over and as soon as it was I took to forgetting about it as much as possible. But I can't recommend that course of action at all OP - you have to start the process.

Start remembering the good times: the time you both did x y and z. Had a great laugh. Your most meaningful moments. The more you do, eventually it will all click and then you can get your real grief out of the way. Else its going to stay with you like an extra 2 stone at the back of your throat.

Whats really important to do is talk about this with people that knew your friend too: its easy to think to yourself 'no I dont want to burden them with my giref' but then eventually you realise all of you are in it together; all of you are trying to process it; all of you are shy about picking up the phone, or going out for that pint, and sharing. But, you have to. It will be good for all of you. If thats sounds like too big a step right now then I recommend an impartial counselor to get thing off your chest.

Take care of yourself.