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Some Jokes

  • 31-01-2008 12:21pm
    #1
    rocky25
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭


    A couple goes to an art gallery.
    They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
    The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
    The husband replies: "Autumn."

    A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
    However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
    This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't Veterinarians.

    Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
    "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
    "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
    "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
    "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
    "Yep."
    "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
    "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
    "The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
    "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

    A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
    She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
    - "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
    She answered by saying,
    - "I bought it with the insurance money!"
    She then said,
    - "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
    She answered again saying,
    - "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
    Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
    - "Irving remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes ..."

    There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
    The first doctor said, "We’ll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
    The second doctor said, "We’ll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
    The third doctor said, "We’ll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
    They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
    The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
    The nurse cried, "Can’t we just make his legs longer?"

    50 Things you don’t say while having sex:

    01. Is it in yet?
    02. Is that it?
    03. You have to be kidding me
    04. (phone rings) Hi? Oh, nothing special. You?
    05. Am I supposed to pay you for this?
    06. Should I call you tomorrow?
    07. Oh mama, mama!!!
    08. Oh daddy, daddy!!!
    09. You look better in the dark.
    10. Oh, this is much better than with my last boy/girlfriend.
    11. I thought it was supposed to go into the other hole
    12. Don’t tell my husband/wife
    13. You have the bra as my mom (particularly bad if the girl says this)
    14. This sucks
    15. Could you hurry up a bit? I have to go to a meeting
    16. I hope you’re not expecting a raise
    17. I think this could make you get the job
    18. Damn, is that all you know ?!
    19. Did I mention I have herpes?
    20. We have to get married now
    21. Hurry up, the game is on in a few!
    22. I’m hungry
    23. I’m thirsty
    24. zzzzzzzzzz
    25. Are you trying to be funny?
    26. Can you drop me off when you’re done?
    27. Are those real?
    28. Before I forget, I’m breaking up with you
    29. What is that smell? Is that you?
    30. You’ve never done this before?
    31. WOW! I’ve never boobs like that! (and then start grabbing them)
    32. Do you know what certain female spiders do after mating?
    33. You sure look like your sister
    34. Your mom’s pretty nice
    35. What did you say your name was?
    36. Do I really still have to be here in the morning?
    37. Again? I had trouble staying awake the first time!
    38. Owwww, and you had just started
    39. You’re almost as good as a 9-year-old -- and I can know!
    40. Don’t touch that!
    41. You wanna order a pizza?
    42. I think my dad is eavesdropping
    43. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
    44. Is there anything nice on TV?
    45. Get your hand away from there!
    46. I think the condom tore 10 mins ago
    47. I knew you had a stuffed bra!
    48. "Cover me guys, I’m going in!"
    49. TIMBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!
    50. The ceiling needs some white paint ;-)


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