The Jacks

cson

Having gingerly layered the seat with copius amounts of toilet roll I sat down to have one in a public jacks today. It was an emergency situation, to put it simply, it was shit or bust. Literally. So after taking a deep breath and easing myself down onto the seat I got going. Or rather I didn't. It was a Donna McCaul Shite, it just didn't fecking want to come out. What was a man to do in this situation? We had started the whole process and once the machine is started I don't like to stop it. Dangerous in my eyes to fiddle with toxic wastes. Sellafield and Roscommon being prime examples. Now the question became what to do to content myself? Well I read the jacks door, about how Xabi from Spain had a shite here in 2006, and how Anto luvs Jacinta ("I'll lob it inta ya jacinta") and how Brian Murphy is, well, to put it politely, modestly endowed.

Basically that was a shite long story (I used teh punner dere ) to ask yizzer all whats the funniest thing you've read on a jacks door?

AlmightyCushion

If it was an emergency situation or literally shít or bust situation, like you say, then how come you had time to lay copious amounts of toilet roll on the seat? And gingerly at that.

Xavi6

Can't beat the ol 'Maynooth Arts Degree - Please take one' and an arrow pointing to the toilet paper.

#Smokey#

free sex ring 085*******
1/2 price now

thats only one that came to mind

cson

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

If it was an emergency situation or literally shít or bust situation, like you say, then how come you had time to lay copious amounts of toilet roll on the seat? And gingerly at that.

You don't think I'd sit on a public jacks without at least giving it a good lashing of cover :eek: Jesus man, you could get aids and all sorts of diseases. A fecking lucky bag of diseases is what you'd get. A bit of Aids, scrot rot, arse rash...

@Xavi6: I saw that in NUI Galway, an arrow pointed to a paper dispenser saying "Arts Degrees Dispensed Here".

AlmightyCushion

cson wrote: »

You don't think I'd sit on a public jacks without at least giving it a good lashing of cover :eek: Jesus man, you could get aids and all sorts of diseases. A fecking lucky bag of diseases is what you'd get. A bit of Aids, scrot rot, arse rash...

You can't get aids from a toilet seat..............unless you sit down before the other guy gets up.

Xavi6

AlmightyCushion wrote: »

You can't get aids from a toilet seat..............unless you sit down before the other guy gets up.

LMFAO. I'm getting strange looks here in work for my sudden burst of laughter. Kudos sir

jdivision

Guy I know tells a story and insists it's true.
He had a hot chocolate from one of those takeaway cafe places around Grafton Street and headed down towards Temple Bar. On Exchequer Street he realised he was going to get a fit of the runs and he ran down to the Stags Head, backed in to the jacks in the basement while pulling his kacks down and let it all go. He says that when he went to grab the jacks roll he realised he wasn't actually sitting on the toilet bowl at all and that there was somebody already sitting on it if you follow! Pulled up his jeans, arse unwiped and legged it!! That poor, poor man who was left there with somebody else's ****e all over him!

I've since noticed that every so often after a hot chocolate I get a sudden urge to crap so am convinced he's not lying!

cson

Hmmm, I've seen similar. Both of these incidents happen in Supermacs (Or should that be Superjacks?) in Galway. First one, I saw some lad sit into a urinal and have a ****e, the second one, a lad was pissing into a urinal that was flooded and the attendant tapped him on the shoulder to stop, your man turned around lad in hand still in full stream and pissed all over the attendant.

jdivision

lmfao. That's so nasty it's funny. One of my mates was in Mcdonalds when they had just got those new hand wash/hand dryer all in ones and pissed into it thinking it was a urinal!! he was wondering why it was up so high.

AlmightyCushion

Xavi6 wrote: »

LMFAO.

You might be doing more to your ass than just laughing it off, if you don't check before you sit down.

Blitzkrieger

While we're on the subject of toilets I think I made a faux pais at the urinals yesterday. They make an L with 3 urinals on the long leg and 2 on the short. There was one guy in the corner of the L, using the urinal on the right hand side of the long leg, so I took the one on the right of the short leg. I was thinking this was a step up on standard urinal ettiquette in that it was as far away from him as possible and had the added bonus of reducing the chances of seeing random penis, but as I was standing there I realised I was now standing behind some dude with my cock in my hand......

Bendihorse

cson wrote: »

You don't think I'd sit on a public jacks without at least giving it a good lashing of cover :eek: Jesus man, you could get aids and all sorts of diseases. A fecking lucky bag of diseases is what you'd get. A bit of Aids, scrot rot, arse rash...
QUOTE]

And bog roll is going to save you from getting Aids or anything else for that matter off a toilet seat. lol

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Bring back toilet attendants, that's all I can say. Nothing like a bit of plink, plink, spray of sandalwaood perfume, "would sir care for a hot towel before he stands up?", manical laughter in the seedy darkness.

And another thing - why do they have bowls in the gents at nightclubs...? No, don't answer that...

annemarie13

cson wrote: »

Yyou don't think I'd sit on a public jacks without at least giving it a good lashing of cover :eek: Jesus man, you could get aids and all sorts of diseases. A fecking lucky bag of diseases is what you'd get. A bit of Aids, scrot rot, arse rash...

cson wrote: »

ye emm the bacteria still go through the toilet paper,even when you use loads to wipe your ass.

eamoss

Xavi6 wrote: »

Can't beat the ol 'Maynooth Arts Degree - Please take one' and an arrow pointing to the toilet paper.

In the Arts Block eh?

Took a photo of it when I was doing repeats last year.
http://img82.imageshack.us/my.php?image=dsc01393qu4.jpg

Sherifu

On one side of the cubicle someone had written;
To start your game of toilet tennis:
Underneath was written 'Look left' and on the opposite wall 'Look right'

FlutterinBantam

I had an emergency in Newbridge.."first two inches cold" situation and need to unload very rapidly,almost ran to the jacks in Tesco.The was a boy about 8 ahead of me opened the door,I charge in after him,spot a stall, bang down the lid and unload a 5 star spattheroo with spread, from about two feet with a grateful "Uuuuuurghhh". When my eyes stopped streaming with relief,what do I hear from the next stall...female voice talking to the boy!!!

Jaysus!! I'm in the ladies and the frikken pan is like a roadkill.

Luckily I was able to exit unnoticed but,took an hour or two to get over it.

Wazdakka

Best Grafitti I read was on a condom vending machine.
Huge big arrow drawn down to the slot where the condoms come out and written in bright red letters above it "Insert baby for refund"

Doctor DooM

eamoss wrote: »

In the Arts Block eh?

Took a photo of it when I was doing repeats last year.
http://img82.imageshack.us/my.php?image=dsc01393qu4.jpg

Thats been there since I started in Maynooth in 1999... some things never change!

Genghiz Cohen

cson wrote: »

Having gingerly layered the seat with copius amounts of toilet roll I sat down to have one in a public jacks today.

Maybe you should just squat over the tolilet and let one off, see whats the highest you can get it in the bowl from.

echter

"omg 3rd yrs get a fkin lyf writin on d batroom door lyk dat"

Poxyshamrock

There was a target and it said "aim 'ere"

i tried not to touch the door on the way out!

Bertie drinks in my local every now & then, and i went in for a dump one day and somebody had written:

"Bertie woz 'ere"

in big black marker all over the door.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

"What are you looking up here for? Inspiration?"

cson

Bendihorse wrote: »

And bog roll is going to save you from getting Aids or anything else for that matter off a toilet seat. lol

annemarie13 wrote: »

ye emm the bacteria still go through the toilet paper,even when you use loads to wipe your ass.

I see the oul sarcasm/exaggeration metre is on the blink

Miguel_Sanchez

"I rode yore Ma!"
and just under it written in different marker:
"Go home Da, you're drunk!"

Lowbrow brilliance

TerrorFirmer

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

I had an emergency in Newbridge.."first two inches cold" situation and need to unload very rapidly,almost ran to the jacks in Tesco.The was a boy about 8 ahead of me opened the door,I charge in after him,spot a stall, bang down the lid and unload a 5 star spattheroo with spread, from about two feet with a grateful "Uuuuuurghhh". When my eyes stopped streaming with relief,what do I hear from the next stall...female voice talking to the boy!!!

Jaysus!! I'm in the ladies and the frikken pan is like a roadkill.

Luckily I was able to exit unnoticed but,took an hour or two to get over it.

Hahaha....that's horrible. I remember one time in a friends house, another friend made an unholy mess in the bathroom. So bad, you could smell it upstairs. Anyway, that was all well and done - until the mother came home a few minutes later and starting shouting 'Oh god, who did this? Lads, who was down here for god sake?' She wouldn't give up until the culprit was named...

Wossack

eamoss wrote: »

In the Arts Block eh?

Took a photo of it when I was doing repeats last year.
http://img82.imageshack.us/my.php?image=dsc01393qu4.jpg

nothing more unsettling then the sound of a camera phone from the stall nextdoor :eek:

razorblunt

Toilet Tennis was pretty funny the first time I saw it.

Another one I saw in CIT was "There's so many ugly girls in CIT" and written underneat was "and not enough time!"

Wossack

jdivision wrote: »

Guy I know tells a story and insists it's true.
He had a hot chocolate from one of those takeaway cafe places around Grafton Street and headed down towards Temple Bar. On Exchequer Street he realised he was going to get a fit of the runs and he ran down to the Stags Head, backed in to the jacks in the basement while pulling his kacks down and let it all go. He says that when he went to grab the jacks roll he realised he wasn't actually sitting on the toilet bowl at all and that there was somebody already sitting on it if you follow! Pulled up his jeans, arse unwiped and legged it!! That poor, poor man who was left there with somebody else's ****e all over him!

I've since noticed that every so often after a hot chocolate I get a sudden urge to crap so am convinced he's not lying!

Thats out of something.... mr bean or something... definitely of the tv from somewhere though

Wazdakka

"Dont bother looking up here, The joke is in your hands"

Cianos

One of my favourites is the one in Whelans;

"Rage against the latrine. Fvck you I won't piss where you tell me"