Stay Or Go

lfc2007

I need some advice.

I have been in a relationship for over 3 years now. We have bought a house together and have lived there for nearly a year. I love her, I love being with her, we have great fun together but I am not sure if she is the love of my life. I think she loves me more than I love her.

Before I met her I had a huge crush on a girl (lets call her “Sarah”) that I worked with. I never made my feelings known for Sarah because I thought she didn’t feel the same. After nearly a year with my girlfriend, Sarah told me that she liked me. At the time I believed I was in love with my girlfriend and I would never cheat on anyone, so I told her nothing could happen. We stayed friends and kept in contact every now and again even after I left that job. That was 2 years ago and I haven’t seen her much since, until last weekend.

We met up for a drink. I was out with the lads and she was out with her friends. It was fantastic to see her and I think we both had a good night out. Nothing happened but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since then. I fear that all my old feelings have resurfaced and are now making me doubt my feelings for my girlfriend. I don’t know if she feels the same or just sees me as a friend. She has a boyfriend now.

I don’t know what to do. Should I choose the messy, complicated option and break up with my girlfriend, sell the house, make my feelings known to Sarah and hope that she feels the same? Or, take the easy option, say nothing, break contact with Sarah and carry on with my life like I had planned to?
Breaking up with my girlfriend will crush her? (pls don’t think I am being big headed saying that. She is 100% committed to this relationship). This was the first really serious relationship for both of us. I think I really do love her, from the moment with first went out I could see myself marrying her.

Any advice welcome.

Nevyn

Nice of her to wait until you had abougth a house was she looking for concrete edivence that you would have the credit rating for a mortguage ?

If she really wanted to be with you she would have let you know sooner, if you really wanted to pursue her you would have and you would not have bought a house and moved in with your partner.

So after a year of the 'pleasures' of living together and owning you own home you are getting tempted and thinking of the road not taken.

Only you can figure out what it is you want and if it is not to stay with your partner I suggest you get out as quickly as possible and not string her a long and not wait until there are children. Bad as it is to break up with her now and as messy it will be worse in 5 to 10 years.

Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you won't have feeling for someone else or never fancy the árse off someone else, but you have to be able to not let those feeling interfer with your relationship.

Everyone wonders, everyone gets tempted but it what you do about it which makes the difference.

Irishcrx

I just posted a similar topic except i'm in the posiiton just before we buy the house and considering these thing's, same as you I believe she loves me more than I love her, I guess it's the fear of breaking up then realising you have made the biggest mistake of your life and her telling you were to go , but if you don't you may end up regretting it and resenting it.

lfc2007

So after a year of the 'pleasures' of living together and owning you own home you are getting tempted and thinking of the road not taken

your probably right, I am getting tempted but I think it is more than just "fancying the árse" off someone. I have known her for about 5 years now and its more than just her looks that attracts me to her. She is a very successful independent woman. My girlfriend on the other hand is a few years younger, at a different stage in her life, and probably too dependent on me. Maybe its the commitment of the house coupled with friends getting married and being put under pressure to take the next step with our relationship. Our future being mapped out with marriage and babies imminent scares me.

Irishcrx wrote: »

I guess it's the fear of breaking up then realising you have made the biggest mistake of your life and her telling you were to go , but if you don't you may end up regretting it and resenting it.

Yes, its a fear of losing everything (not material things - the memories of the past 3 years). I also do not want to hurt my girlfriend in any way but can I be true to myself if we stay together? Even if I knew that Sarah liked me I am still unsure if I would be willing to take the chance and break up with my girlfriend for her. As far as relationships go, my only regret in life is not asking Sarah out in the first place before I even met my current girlfriend. Can I risk regretting it again?

Irishcrx - if you haven't commited to buying a place together then wait until you are absolutely sure you want to be with her. Its way too messy to split up afterwards.

Irishcrx

Well a few month's ago I'd the same thing in a way, I liked another girl and was going through the same paces of what to do, when she made a move on me I said no as I was with my current gf, she went off and did her own thing and I got back to life with my gf, I'll always never know but that bridge is now crossed. Point being it's never an easy choice and the best thing to look at is how you could live with yourself in either situation?

evry1sm8

I think you should stay with your gf, try to work on things with her WITHOUT thinking about anything else, no other factors involved so you can decide if its your gf your not happy with, or outside things just tempting you. Thats my advice anyway

tbh

lfc2007 wrote: »

II don’t know what to do. Should I choose the messy, complicated option and break up with my girlfriend, sell the house, make my feelings known to Sarah and hope that she feels the same?

You know what the ultimate kicker would be? You break up with your girlfriend, get together with Sarah, and then, after three years, you meet this girl from work, and you just connect....

The thing is, you know Sarah well, but you both present your best sides to each other, because that's generally what we do when we interact with someone of the opposite sex. Remember, Sarah is independant etc etc, but you don't know what she's like in a relationship. She could be even needier than your girlfriend. My point is that you don't really know Sarah as well as you think you do, at the stuff you do know is the stuff she wants you to know. I'm not for a second accusing her of misleading you or anything, but you are filling in the "blanks" - the bits about her you don't know - and obviously you are filling them in according to your ideal woman. So, in reality, you are not comparing your g.f to sarah, you're comparing her to your own ideal woman.

take my advice - the "ideal" woman doesn't exist. And if she did - wouldn't you hate her? If you have someone you love, and respect - someone you trust and can build a future with - that's what you want from life imo. If you didn't know Sarah, would you be having these doubts about your girlfriend? I'd say, don't indulge in thoughts of Sarah, use the mental space to focus on your relationship.


If that's too much hassle, then flip a coin. When it lands, don't look at it - just figure out which side you hope it'll be on, and then do that.

I hope it works out, I can imagine how wrecked your head must be.

lfc2007

Irishcrx wrote: »

Point being it's never an easy choice and the best thing to look at is how you could live with yourself in either situation?

I don't know if I could live with myself for hurting my girlfriend. I really do love her but am I hurting myself by staying with her? What if the other girl is the love of my life. I really thought after 3 years I would be over her.

evry1sm8 - thanks, I think you might be right. The doubts have been in my mind for a couple of weeks and seeing the other girl has just increased those doubts. If I concentrate on my girlf and try to sort things out am I ruining my last chance with the other girl? Should I talk to my girlf about my doubts or will that just scare her so much that she never trusts me again?

Irishcrx

From expierience it will scare her and maybe make thing's worst, find a friend you trust and respect and see what they can tell you since they'll know more about what your talking about. It sounds to me that your a little settled and don't want a chance to miss you by again, almost an infatuation with what could have been, look at what you have and what you stand to loose and think if it's really worth it?

King of Kings

tbh wrote: »

take my advice - the "ideal" woman doesn't exist. And if she did - wouldn't you hate her? If you have someone you love, and respect - someone you trust and can build a future with - that's what you want from life imo.

+ 1

mods can we sticky this.
quality advice

How Strange

I'd say that when you are in a relationship you shouldn't go looking for trouble. That's advice that I stick by myself and I tend to avoid drinking with any guys that I may have fancied at some stage or find attractive now. That's just plain messy - too much drink and sentimentality. I've seen the most committed, honest guys throw themselves at work colleagues/friends of the opposite sex after too much alcohol.

OP, I think you should be asking yourself this question - do I love my girlfriend enough to spend the rest of my life with her. Full stop.

This question should not be dependent on whether Sarah likes you or not or if she is the love of your life or not. TBH gave some very good, realistic advice.

You are bored, the mundanity of real life isn't as exciting as dating. This 'Sarah' represents excitement but as TBH said all the qualities that you find attractive in her may evaporate or change if you were in a relationship with her.

As I said you really need to ask yourself honest questions about the depth of your feelings for your gf. Forget about Sarah - you are just being a coward and trying to hedge your bets. You want to jump from one relationship to another.

echosound

I don't think you should break up with your GF to go be with "Sarah", but if you are questioning your relationship with your GF to the extent that you are wondering if you want to give up on 3 years and a house and a relationship for the sake of a shot at some random girl who is in a relationship herself at the moment and unavailable, then you should probably break up with your GF just to be on your own and sort yourself out.

It doens't sound like you are committed to your current relationship, or that you are really in love with your GF, whereas she seems to be happy and committed to you, so do yourselves both a favour and sort your head out, even if that means splitting up - better now than 5 years down the line, with possibly a marriage and kids to split up too.

You may not want to hurt your GF, but better do it now than rip the rug out from under her world in 5, 10 years time.

TBH, I reckon if she heard the doubts you are having, and the thoughts you are having about this Sarah, she'd be hurt enough that she'd encourage you to leave - so no, I don't think it's a wise idea to tell your GF you are smitten with another girl and are weighing up whether or not you will put up with your GF or skip off over to "Sarah", and hope your GF will stick around waiting for you to choose.

Summary - decide how you feel about your GF, leaving sarah out of the equation. If you don't see yourself settling down with her, then it's time to think about moving on, for both of your sakes. Don't stick around with your GF until a better offer comes along, as that would be very unfair of you.

lfc2007

Some harsh words there, probably not what I wanted to hear but all fair points.

I agree, I need to sort my head out first, its seriously melted! Havent really slept for past few nights and it has effected my work. I will cut all contact with Sarah and concentrate on my girlf. If things dont end up working out between us it will be for the right reasons with no one else involved.

Thanks guys, it was great talking to someone without worrying that it could come back and bite me in the áss.

Meathlass

lfc2007 wrote: »

Some harsh words there, probably not what I wanted to hear but all fair points.

I agree, I need to sort my head out first, its seriously melted! Havent really slept for past few nights and it has effected my work. I will cut all contact with Sarah and concentrate on my girlf. If things dont end up working out between us it will be for the right reasons with no one else involved.

Thanks guys, it was great talking to someone without worrying that it could come back and bite me in the áss.

I think you're making the right decision. Hope it all works out and definately cut contact with Sarah and concentrate on your girlfriend.

Irishcrx

Good luck mate.

tbh

yeah, good luck. Maybe let us know what happens.