Driving me crazy

LegacyUser

Hi I have a big problem. I'm addicted to sex. I've been close to kissing other girls even though I have a loving, beautiful fiancee. I find that even though she satisfies me emotionally, physically, it's just not enough. I hit town and girls come up to me or give me the look and it takes alot of effort not to go for it. I think about sex a LOT and my sex drive is getting stronger and stronger.

I feel like such a **** because I really do love my girl, but there's this compulsion within me and it's only getting stronger. It's got to the point where I've wondered if the occasional cheat here and there would cool my desires for other women. I know it's wrong and selfish and hurtful. It feels like the "single man" inside me is crying out for action.

Is there anyone out there who feels the same and can offer advice?

WhiteWashMan

are you actually addicted to sex, or is that just an excuse for wanting to be unfaithful.

if you cant keep it in your pants, youre probably not ready to have a long term relationship.

if the need to be single means that you act like it, then you should be single.

Wibbs

WWM hit the nail on the head. I seriously doubt it's "sex addiction" :rolleyes: Sounds like you're a normal horny bloke who is worried he's getting tied down to one woman. The romantic honeymoon period has passed and your eye wanders.

Make a decision. If she satisfies you emotionally then work on the rest. If you're not up to that then a fresh look at your relationship is in order.

evry1sm8

Sorry i dont have an answer, i just have another question.
Is this a common way for guys to feel even when they're engaged?
A guy i used to work with was engaged and he cheated on his fiance too... Kinda makes me wonder.

tbh

meh.

Biologically speaking, the best method to ensure a man passes along his DNA (which is, after all, the only reason we are here) is to sleep with as many different partners as possible.

So is it common? I would say the desire is certainly common. The question is, how many people act on it?

evry1sm8

Im beginning to feel like most guys find it hard to be faithful...? The guy i used to work with declared how much he loved his fiance, said that if she ever left him he'd be heartbroken, that she was the love of his life and he knew she was the one from the very first date, that no one compared to her etc..!! If a guy can love a girl that much, seemingly as much as any guy could love a girl, and STILL cheat on her with more than 1 person, is there really much hope for any of us to find a committed guy??

tbh

"Any man is only as faithful as his options" - Chris Rock.



there are plenty of men who decide that the thrill of illicit sex is worth the risk of losing your long-term partner. I'm not one of them (anymore) and I learned the hard way. I'm glad I learned before i got into the relationship I'm in now, tho, the learning curve is different for everyone.

evry1sm8

Well, i just hope for his sake that the guy i worked with wises up before he loses his fiance. He cant really afford to "learn the hard way" anymore. If he loses her it would destroy his life. I hope i can gain back some of my faith in men too because this guy really contributed to a pessimistic cloud over my view of loving relationships...

LegacyUser

evry1sm8 wrote: »

Im beginning to feel like most guys find it hard to be faithful...?

Most women too, remember it takes two to tango.

There are biological reasons for men to want to screw around.

There are biological reasons for women to want to screw the most 'powerful' male.

(If Jonny Depp tried to seduce you could he ever succeed? Even after a raging fight with your boyfriend?)

I suggest you don't decide to "find the one" until he's screwed a lot of girls and got it out of his system as much as possible. Some guys never do though.
NO woman is can stop a guys eye wandering, it's what he can do to stop himself following through is what determines his faithfulness.

tbh

you seem to have a lot of interest in some random guy you work with. Listen, everyone is different. if you want to believe that all men as barstewards because of one work colleague - i ain't gonnna try to persuade you otherwise.

evry1sm8

No, i dont really think that all guys are the same, i just had never met a guy who seemed so crazy about his partner, so when he cheated it really made me wonder. He wasnt just a random guy i worked with we were really close and we shared a lot of things with each other. I actually liked the guy a LOT. Truth be told i was the girl he cheated with, which was a bad decision for me but i was really crazy about him. I initially thought he was doing it because he wasnt happy and we got on so well, i thought he would eventually break up with his fiance, but as time went by i realised how much he loved her. Still never really found out why he did it...

tbh

evry1sm8 wrote: »

Truth be told i was the girl he cheated with, which was a bad decision for me but i was really crazy about him.

I thought as much. I'm sorry to say, but he was probably lying about how mad he was about the other half. Maybe he thought that you would think you were special, seeing as how he is cheating on this superwoman with you. Sorry you got burnt, good to see you are moving on.

muppetkiller

Hey OP can I ask a personal question...Are you adopted ? Are your parents divorced ? How do you get on with your mum ?
I have a theory about this condition of yours...as I've noticed in a few of my male friends over the years and they have some interesting comon traits...
It might be nonsense but most of the guys I know who cheat and have multiple f^uk buddies have got serious abandonment issues from their early years.
In general those that sleep with lots of women each week tend to be more empty and lonely than those that get none ...that's my theory anyway

evry1sm8

Thanks tbh
That is exactly it, i did think i must have been something special if he would betray her with me... I liked him so much i held a hope that maybe he'd leave her. He always said he only ever cheated with me. Only after we finished "seeing" eachother he confided that he had actually kissed another girl in a previous job, but he said she had thrown herself on him. He said he never slept with her but i couldnt quite believe him and started to wonder just how many people he had cheated on his partner with...
In the end i just tried to convince him that cheating would get him no where if he planned on marrying his fiance and being with her forever. I told him at least he didnt cheat with someone who would eventually get bitter and want to ruin his relationship, as women can get spiteful especially if they think another woman "wins" over them. I always tried to be understanding, i just told him at least now you can go on knowing how bad cheating makes you feel, and hopefully be a better guy for your fiance than you would have been before you met me...you might have made this mistake after you were married!!
We stopped talking on good terms. I hope he's still being good and i hope he does get married and ends up happy

Mighty_Mouse

You nailed a guy you knew was engaged and now want to take the high-moral ground?

Im beginning to feel like most guys find it hard to be faithful...?

Takes the same type of control for a person not to cheat on their partner as it does not to be screwin the married folks if you ask me.

evry1sm8

Maybe youre right...im not proud of it. But i certainly didnt go after it, i never expected that anything would ever happen, and it was him that made the moves. I had a huge crush on him before i knew he was engaged or anything else... When i got to know him more i already had a huge crush on him. Ill never make the mistake again of falling for someone thats in a relationship. Learnt the hard way, and i got hurt too. Thats life i guess.

evry1sm8

PS: I dont entirely agree that it takes the same type of control. He made the moves on me, i was really into this guy, so as far as i was concerned (before i knew the whole deal) if he wanted to be with me, and i was available to be with who i wanted, than that was his choice. It would be a different story if i pursued him and tried to seduce him knowing he was taken, but i didnt. And also a different story if i was taken, id never have done it.

LegacyUser

To return to the OP's issue:
sexual addiction is a symptom, not a problem. What's it a symptom of? See WWM & Wibbs. Only you can know.....

Drift

Hey OP. I personally don't think you're addicted to sex. I think you may be trying to tell yourself that as an excuse for your urges towards other women. I'm no psychologist, but is it possible that you're scared of the permanent long term commitment to your fiancee and future wife? I think you may be finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that you will never be with any woman except her for the rest of your life and feeling you somehow missed out by not playing the field more before you met her.

Marriage is a huge decision and it's right to consider issues regarding sex and monogomy before you get married. Luckily for you OP she's only your fiancee yet so I think now is the time to do some serious thinking and decide before you go any further if you're capable of staying faithful to your future wife forever. The chances are that you can and you just need to get over your desire for meaningless sex with randomers.


To evry1sm8: I hope this doesn't sound bad but the impression I get from your last post is that you feel a bit guilty and you're trying to tell yourself that you aren't a bad person for sleeping with a guy who had a gf. The fact is that you shoulder some of the blame because sex takes 2 (or more ) people. You're clearly not a bad person but it doesn't mean that you acted perfectly correctly and piously in this case. Maybe if you approached it slightly differently and instead of trying to assign blame you just tell yourself it's a mistake you made, we all make mistakes, and that you'll learn from it and not make a similar one again. You can acknowledge that you did something that you shouldn't have and still be a good person, no-one's perfect.

Marksie

Every1sm8: if you wish to start a separate thread please do .
But lets try to keep this one clear for the OP

evry1sm8

Hi to the previous poster.
I did already say that i wasnt proud of it, i also said that i learnt the hard way, as in i learnt the MISTAKE of it the hard way sometimes it takes making the mistake to realise the extent of it.
I am not putting any blame anywhere, really i was just saying that i thought it was his choice and if he thought it was ok than so did i.
I also said that i would never make the "mistake" of falling for someone in a relationship again.
I do still stand by my opinion though that cheating is not the same as being with someone else thats in a relationship.

evry1sm8

Sorry Marksie Ill leave this issue for now and let people get back to the main issue at hand. Apologies.

Mr. Incognito

Sexual addiciton does exist imo. I mean it's hard not to objectify women when so many of the ex BB housemates make a comfortable living being sex objects in lads mags. Women are constantly fed an image of being an object through the media and womens mages etc

That said there is a difference between the image and the reality. If you are incapable of commiting you need to find someone who can accept that or admit you have a problem and seek a course of rehabilitation. Like any addiciton it can be treated, usually involving a long period of abstenation.

King of Kings

The OP has not stated anything like excessive masturbation, porno viewing, prostitutes etc.... so it ain't sex addiction merely cold feet over his long term relationship.

spinandscribble

alcoholics arnt ppl who want drink but they've never drunk.
much like a sex addict isnt a person who's never treated. you want to be single. dont use sex addiction as an excuse, its just an excuse to distance you from the fact you want to cheat.

LegacyUser

King of Kings wrote: »

The OP has not stated anything like excessive masturbation, porno viewing, prostitutes etc.... so it ain't sex addiction merely cold feet over his long term relationship.

I didn't mention them because I'm embarrassed to admit...I'm constantly looking at porn, spending hours on end viewing websites, holding off on climax until I can't wait any longer. I've come within inches of calling escort agencies whilst on business trips. It's not the "cheating" that entices me. Many men love the guilt-factor, get off on the deception, the dirty little secret.

The difference with me is that the reason I haven't cheated is BECAUSE of the meanness of it, the hurtfulness, the betrayal. I love my girl but sometimes it feels like my body aches for a string of sex sessions with different women. It feels primal. It's not a conscious decision to want other women. It's something that takes over and I have to fight it all the time. That is screw UP.

When I finally climax, I feel like I've woken up from a haze and realised the wrongness, the unhealthiness of this near-obsession. But I still feel the hunger for it, and it's getting worse every day.

Maybe sex addiction is the wrong word. But it doesn't seem like anything else. It's constant, daily, and getting more powerful. I still love my girl. But is love enough? When lust is gnawing at me.