Letter from imprisoned friend

LegacyUser

When i was 16 my mates boyfriend was arrested for attempted murder- and he got put away. None of us ever mentioned it and went on with our lives.I never really knew the guy I only hung around with him cos i was dating one of his friends and he was dating one of mine

So its 6 years later and a letter comes to my fathers house addressed to me from him. He says he wanted to explain the whole attempted murder thing and that he understands if i dont answer him, that he has seen pics of me in the paper (my debs/21st bday etc) and that hes wanted to get in contact with me for a while but didnt know if i wanted to know him.

I dont know what to do- do i answer him or not.I never really knew him i only knew him cos we were dating each others friend, I havnt spoken to him since i was 16

My fiance is not too happy after seeing the letter and thinks I should ignore him

Any advice?

LegacyUser

What a weirdo...

I'd be like what the ****? And prob go to the Guards with it...

I think he has a crush on you...

The_Conductor

He probably feels remorse for what happened and a need to explain where he was at and coming from- to the group of people who he was hanging around with- who he probably identifies as his peers on the outside, as it were. He probably is harmless, but for your own sake, I would ignore it and not respond to him.

gubby

That is a pretty heartless response. What harm would come if you just replied to him just to let him know that you got his letter and that quiet frankly you had forgotten all about him. make sure to let him know that you are about to be married and just wish him luck in the future. In my opion that would be the kindest thing to do.

The_Conductor

By engaging in dialogue with him at all, even on such an elemental level- you are giving him encouragement to continue to try to engage with the OP. We can only guess at the guys psychological state- but he has according to the OP been following her via local papers etc- (he has admitted to having numerous photographs etc). It is a form of stalking, even if from afar, and is not healthy. For the OPs sake- she is better off having nothing to do with him.

mikemac

He's probably feeling lonesome at the moment and the OP and her friends are the last friends he had before he was locked up.

I'd advise to have nothing to do with him. If he wants to explain the attempted murder he should have done this to the judge and his lawyer.
Maybe write back and tell him the Prison Service employ doctors who can talk to him

TheDriver

I agree, its harmless and possibly remorseful and lonliness that he is writing to you but if you reply with anything to him, he may keep writing to you. Hence I would be inclined to put the letter away and get on with your life. If he writes again, maybe then a letter saying you don't want to hear from him in a nice way. Keep the letters just in case he gets persistent.

patrick2007

Sounds like this guy id trying to get in contact with some of what,he is considering,his old "friends" and to be honest do you really ned this guy in your life now, it may seem a harsh thing to say but you've moved on and are getting married, new life etc...
Sounds also like this guy may be getting released soon.
OP I personally wouldnt have anything to do with this guy. For example you are not aware what kind of enemies this guy has now after the attempted murder and do you really need to be putting yourself into possible danger.
Thats my 2 cents

P.

thebman

Why not go to the guards and ask them about it since they are probably in a better position to give advice on the matter.

Ignoring him might not make it go away. Doing something might not make it go away but who here can give you the right advice?

I doubt many people are. Maybe the guards can't either but I think they are in a better position to given they actually deal with criminals and might have dealt with a similar situation before.

spinandscribble

i think you should write a letter telling him you dont feel he needs to justify himself to you since you didnt/dont know eachother and be honest and tell him you find it vert strange he's collecting photos, keeping tracks on you and you'd prefer no further contact. before you send it ask the gardai or prison fellas if its a good idea or not.

on the flip side he might just have spotted a pic of you and because you were distant from him he might feel like if he opens up to you first it'll be easier to open up to the others on the outside....

Plan_D

doianswer wrote: »

When i was 16 my mates boyfriend was arrested for attempted murder- and he got put away. None of us ever mentioned it and went on with our lives.I never really knew the guy I only hung around with him cos i was dating one of his friends and he was dating one of mine

So its 6 years later and a letter comes to my fathers house addressed to me from him. He says he wanted to explain the whole attempted murder thing and that he understands if i dont answer him, that he has seen pics of me in the paper (my debs/21st bday etc) and that hes wanted to get in contact with me for a while but didnt know if i wanted to know him.

I dont know what to do- do i answer him or not.I never really knew him i only knew him cos we were dating each others friend, I havnt spoken to him since i was 16

My fiance is not too happy after seeing the letter and thinks I should ignore him

Any advice?

Seriously, you have a fiance and you have to think about this?

minidazzler

cheesedude wrote: »

What a weirdo...

I'd be like what the ****? And prob go to the Guards with it...

I think he has a crush on you...

That is not actually as weird as you might think. Its perfectly normal to contact old friends after a long time. The only thing different is he is in prison.

OP do you have any Idea when he is out?
If it is soon then dont write back because he may be looking for a place to stay when he gets out.
If it is far off just write back and tell him a few trivial things (ie Fiance) and dont leave any opening to write back. No return address just a simple letter. Basically a Dear John where he is not your john.

Just remember this guy has not seem many women in a long time in person (aside from female PO's he is lonely and probably slightly depressed ) Take that into account when you decide what to do.

LegacyUser

minidazzler wrote: »

That is not actually as weird as you might think. Its perfectly normal to contact old friends after a long time. The only thing different is he is in prison.

Em no it's not normal...because she doesn't know him and was not his friend. :rolleyes:

I never really knew the guy I only hung around with him cos i was dating one of his friends and he was dating one of mine

So its 6 years later

So no. Not normal at all.

PeakOutput

i read this earlier on and i was lie psycho ignore him but now im thinking what harm is it to just send a reply of pleasantries but make it clear this is your only letter to him as you are getting married and it wouldnt be right blah blah

ignoring him is a bit cold and while you have no reason that you "should" help him out whats it actually going to take you to right one pleasant letter. sure he might write again and try to start dialogue but dont respond one nice letter that will take care of his feelings if he is jsut lonely trying to catch up with old mates and will also take care of the fact that you have moved on are getting married and cannot correspond with him

Overheal

I would honestly try to find context on the issue first. Your only context is this friend of yours has been locked away for 6 years on attempted murder and he has seen you in the paper.

If it bothers you (and it does -youre posting.) I'd get context. Contact his prison. Talk to somebody that knows him. Go visit his cellmate, ffs. Awkward maybe, but if you need to know - then go find out. Go seek out the people that know him best and have them give their opinions. You'd be amazed at what someone even partially aware of a person (in this case, maybe even his prison guard) would know about him.

Forgive me, but my first impression is the guy has served his time and is trying to make good. So, owe it to him to find out if thats true.

dlofnep

Date him. Have a wonderful family. Infact, feed him grapes.

What sort of answer do you expect from us? You've already described him as a complete loser. Do you really need random internet advice on what to do here? Ignore him. You're probably engrosed with him already if you're even asking us.

Overheal

dlofnep wrote: »

Date him. Have a wonderful family. Infact, feed him grapes.

What sort of answer do you expect from us? You've already described him as a complete loser. Do you really need random internet advice on what to do here? Ignore him. You're probably engrosed with him already if you're even asking us.

We're all bitter people with our own problems on the inside champ, but dont visit bad vibes on the OP :-/ no need to flame someone for coming to PI.

Miss Fluff

Overheal wrote: »

Forgive me, but my first impression is the guy has served his time and is trying to make good. So, owe it to him to find out if thats true.

The OP owes this guy nothing. Why would you contact him anyway OP? Do you want to forge a friendship with this guy? Do you feel duty-bound to respond, and if so under what grounds? Unless you want to resurrect any old ties I wouldn't bother responding. Get things in perspective for a moment, it is only because his contact is in actual letter form - this is so much more tangiable. If this was a networking site like Bebo or Facebook and you got a friend request from him I would presume you would hit the "ignore" button? If that's the case ignore his letter too, quite simple really.

the_syco

doianswer wrote: »

When i was 16 my mates boyfriend was arrested for attempted murder- and he got put away.

...

Any advice?

Burry the letter, and don't think about it again. If you get another one, show the Gardai the letters.

Oh, and ask your other friends has he contacted them. I think he has, and was told to f**k off, so he could be just working down the grapevine.

You owe him nothing. He tried to kill, and christ knows what's going through his head. For all you know, he could be trying to track down whomever he failed to kill.

LegacyUser

micmclo wrote: »

He's probably feeling lonesome at the moment and the OP and her friends are the last friends he had before he was locked up.

That was my first instinct he did mention something about that in the letter

patrick2007 wrote: »

Sounds also like this guy may be getting released soon.

I dont want to give away too much regarding the case ... just in case someone decides to go looking around but hes in for life, attempted murder, drugs supplying and there was a lot of extasy found in his house, and carrying a gun.

I know life doesnt mean life in this country it means 15-20 years but hes not getting released any time soon

LegacyUser

Plan_D wrote: »

Seriously, you have a fiance and you have to think about this?

What does having a fiance have to do with this, Its not like hes an ex

CamillaRhodes

the_syco wrote: »

christ knows what's going through his head. For all you know, he could be trying to track down whomever he failed to kill.

Oh for f***'s sake, she's not living in a bloody teen slasher movie.

We live in a country (would like to say a world, but sadly not) which believes in the concept of punishment followed by rehabilitation and, given remorse, ultimately forgiveness. If this guy committed a dreadful crime as a young man, but has served his time, become remorseful and is now seeking forgiveness, let's not cast him as a psychopath.

Having said all that, I would not want somebody who has committed such a crime in my life. But I would be willing to be civil to them, to be polite. As it sounds to me, the guy is reaching out to an old mate whose pic he saw in the paper (hence jogging memories of happier old times).

If it was me, I would write back a short note saying I was glad he was coming to terms with the crime he committed, and I remembered the old times, but that time has moved on, that I am now engaged and not interested in re-kindling old 'friendships'. I would then ask him not to contact me again, but wish him all the best and hope that his life improves from here on out. (--advocating rehabilitation and forgiveness in return for remorse, as we would hope for in a civilised society, right?) The guy gets to move on and, with his regrets about losing past friendships, will hopefully make better choices in the future.

If he contacts you again, OP, after asking him not to write again, I would then not reply again.

LegacyUser

dlofnep wrote: »

Date him. Have a wonderful family. Infact, feed him grapes.

What sort of answer do you expect from us? You've already described him as a complete loser. Do you really need random internet advice on what to do here? Ignore him. You're probably engrosed with him already if you're even asking us.

Huh? Oh so i have a problem id like advice on and all of a sudden im engrosed with him

Dont take your moods out on me pal

Overheal wrote: »

We're all bitter people with our own problems on the inside champ, but dont visit bad vibes on the OP :-/ no need to flame someone for coming to PI.

Thank you very much

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Do you feel duty-bound to respond, and if so under what grounds? .

i feel a lil guilty he really seemed upset and im the kind of person i want to help someone i hate seeing people upset

I know that seems a lil sad but thats the way i am

Marksie

dlofnep : I fail to see how you could get such a conclusion from your post.
Do not attempt to flame again or you will be taking a break.

OP: I have merged your posts to make it easier for people to read.
We have a multiquote function at theh bottom right hand side that will allow you to quote multiple posters.

Also deal with the post and not the poster and if you have a problem with one post hhit the report post function, i only say this when i was tidying the thread.

Mark

Miss Fluff

doianswer wrote: »

i feel a lil guilty he really seemed upset and im the kind of person i want to help someone i hate seeing people upset

I know that seems a lil sad but thats the way i am

Its not sad at all OP, its an admirable quality BUT you if you do choose to open the lines of communication it then be quite difficult telling him you don't want to hear from him again. Yes, chances are he is lonely but if you weren't great buddies to start with I don't really see why you would bother responding. Surely his closest friends and family are able to shoulder that particular responsibility.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

if you weren't great buddies to start with I don't really see why you would bother responding. Surely his closest friends and family are able to shoulder that particular responsibility.

I know , my partner read the letter and pointed out a few things that lead him to believe that this guy has a thing for me

eg - "You look fab in your debs photo"
"I still remember the last time we spoke"
"Ive been thinking about getting in touch with you for so long"
"How are you, are you seeing anyone, are you happy"

To me these are just general questions but Now that I think about it i do remember a time when i was dating his friend when he got drunk and said to me "I picked the wrong girl"
and another time he said to my bf "I wish id met her before you did" But these were just drunken ramblings

spinandscribble

"I still remember the last time we spoke"

thats the one sentance you listed that actually worried me. eventhing else was just flattery, chic chat ect.

he's been in prison six years, he probably has built a crush on you. check with his better mates if they got letters.

Marksie

"How are you, are you seeing anyone, are you happy"

and that is the sentence which makes me think he is testing the water.

So if you do reply keep it general BUT make sure he is aware of just how happy you are

King of Kings

assuming some of the posts here are representative of society at large it's no wonder people come out and re-offend and in general disengage from society when folk have the attitiude I've seen here

OP- we can't 2nd guess his motives. maybe he is trying to reconnect with his past life. I doubt he got life for attempted murder and even if he did life is generally 12/15 years. in fact if the crime was attempted murder I' say he'd get parole quicker provided he was well behaved inside.

Maybe he wrote to everybody not just you.

I think you should write to him - tell him what's what fiance etc wish him the best. that'll do no harm and probably make life a little easier for him inside

annemarie13

this guy has missed out on his teenage years and has no real friends.id b careful if you do answer his letter he might become too attached to you,and you will start feeling sorry for him and before you no it he is stayin in your house.
its hard to no wat to do, and you dont really no what mentally state he is in.

if it happened to me i would be confused just like you but i dont no wat i would do.i would probably go to boards fo advice too.:)
good luck though

Lollipops23

gubby wrote: »

That is a pretty heartless response. What harm would come if you just replied to him just to let him know that you got his letter and that quiet frankly you had forgotten all about him. make sure to let him know that you are about to be married and just wish him luck in the future. In my opion that would be the kindest thing to do.

OP you have absolutely no obligation to be "kind" or to engage in any correspondence with him.You obviousy weren't close with him, as you said, it was just through friends/ex's. I would ask your friend who was going out with him if she has received any letters from him. At a guess I'd say he's trying to make amends and get closure/forgiveness from those who were around him at the time.But it's just a guess.

Like I said, if you don't want to engage, then don't!!it's nit like you owe it to him.

[Jackass]

I'd imagine it's a lonely place prison...who wouldn't try and line up some pootang for when you get out...

Your engaged and there can only be one possible motive.."I've seen pictures of you..."

If he wanted to explain himself, I doubt he would contact someone he hardly even knows and has no connection with, that "co-incidently" is probably hot...

Ignore it...or send him a porno mag or something..

Bottle_of_Smoke

Think you should stay away but make sure you know when he's coming out. Contact the prison & see if you can speak to any officers who know him.

It's possible he is a genuine guy who feels lonely, though if you have a sentence you should know better than to contact people you barely know. It's up to him to rebuild his life, when he gets out.
Is it at all possible that you're flattered by the idea of him thinking about you after so long? Did you have a thing for him when you were younger?

He clearly has a thing for you. Listen to your fiancee. You know very well this is a terrible terrible idea. Stay away.

SW81

It sounds to me that he is very lonely and what he remembers of the outside world was your gang of friends....but I still wouldn't reply to him if it was me sorry I know it's hard for you to deal with but I think you'd be better off just leaving it?

ergo

I would reply exactly as per the advice from Camilla Rhodes^^^ at top of page

and as for those who have advised telling the Gardai....wtf?:eek: what has this guy done wrong here apart from write a letter looking to re-connect with someone (and obviously with a view to more than just friendship, that is very clear to me) ?

I would write the letter as above, then the guy will stop thinking about the OP and that should be that

tbh

on an intensity scale of one to ten, this guy is already at three based on an extremely tenuous association with you. He has a lot of time to sit around and fantasise about a relationship or whatever with you, and he has plenty of time to read and re-read and find "hidden" meaning in whatever you write to him. Any interaction from you will just fuel this, and it's pointless. You don't owe him anything, and you have no idea what his intentions are. Just ignore it. In the long run, it's best for everyone.

l3LoWnA

I don't see what the big deal is here. At the end of the day, the guy was sent to prison 6 years ago for whatever reasons. It's not as if the OP didn't KNOW him or what he was capable of or that this court case was impending when she was his "friends friends girlfriend" or whatever....and actually knew the guy. Reply to him. Not an over-the-top friendly "oh I remember that last time we talked too...*swoon*...." kind of letter, just a "shocked to hear from you, and yes, I am happy....with my fiance...." kind of thing. I'd say once he hears how you moved on he'll leave it at that. It may be that he's been fantasizing about you every other day for 6 years (prisoners have their needs) or it may be simply that he thinks you're a friendly type who would reply and you're a sound girl who he's lost touch with. Either way, a matter-of-fact reply will do no harm and will clear your conscience in any event.

I would tell your fiance though, that you will reply and show him your reply letter too. At the end of the day, you were hanging around with this guy when he got sent to prison so he'd probably already committed his crimes when you knew him, and he was good enough to pal around with then.....so he hasn't changed since, only you have....it would be pretty snooty and selfish of you to not respond to his letter. He will remember sending that letter long after you've forgotten about it. Just keep it simple and dont include your address (or any questions) if you don't want a reply.

If he responds agan, ignore it if you so wish, you've replied the first time, that's enough. A similar thing happened to me years ago, I replied the first time, received another letter but didn't feel bad ignoring it! I would, however, have always wondered and regretted not sending a response to the first ltter.....I think....

Why would OP need to go to the gardai? I think you're all losing the fact that she actually knew this guy and he never tired to kill HER!!! He isn't SAVING pictures of her either or stalking her he just mentioned that he saw her pic in the paper. At the end of the day, he wouldnt have written to her if he didn't know her, so the guards would just think "why would you even associate with scum like that" and write OP off as a knacker-lover.

Tigger

don't justify it
ignore it

i could write a bit long story butvthere is no need you know as well as i do that this must be put to bed

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

on an intensity scale of one to ten, this guy is already at three based on an extremely tenuous association with you. He has a lot of time to sit around and fantasise about a relationship or whatever with you, and he has plenty of time to read and re-read and find "hidden" meaning in whatever you write to him. Any interaction from you will just fuel this, and it's pointless. You don't owe him anything, and you have no idea what his intentions are. Just ignore it. In the long run, it's best for everyone.

Exactly.

The_Conductor

tbh wrote:

on an intensity scale of one to ten, this guy is already at three based on an extremely tenuous association with you. He has a lot of time to sit around and fantasise about a relationship or whatever with you, and he has plenty of time to read and re-read and find "hidden" meaning in whatever you write to him. Any interaction from you will just fuel this, and it's pointless. You don't owe him anything, and you have no idea what his intentions are. Just ignore it. In the long run, it's best for everyone.

+1

You are opening a whole pandoras box.

CrazyNoob

OP ignore this letter,
I cannot see anything good coming from replying to him. Honestly what good can come of it???
Even replying to be nice will just encourage him. Not to mention annoy your fiance.

It's not your place to solve this guy's loneliness.
Prison is a lonely place and he brought it on himself with his past actions

I think you have given too much time to this letter. Concentrate on your life and not what this wierdo (imo) is thinking or doing in prison.

Victor

A friend of mine used to teach people how to shoot for the army, two of them are now convicted murderers. There but for the grace of god go we.

OP, its possible that he is doing this under instruction as part of his rehabilitation. If you want, you could contact the probation officer or the chaplion in the prison to see what the story is.

Drummerboy2

When I read the first post I thought, “Hell, no harm in replying as a courtesy, telling him you are fine and getting on with our life.” But you then mentioned in your second post that he was also charged with possession of drugs and possession of a gun. Steer well clear of this guy. Do not respond. Bad egg.