What does it mean?

LegacyUser

Hi guys!...I have a bit of a problem regarding my ex boyfriend and I'm wondering if you guys can offer some advise, short story is, we're in our early thirties and we went out for 3 years and then broke up two years ago. Now, we still see aech other all the time, have the same friends etc and we work together. Now in that time apart neither of us has been in a relationship and we have ended up together several times, the most recently was a month ago, then he said, 'we can't keep doing this' and followed a few days later by a text saying that ne needs time apart of me and him..now, this guys is terrifeid of commitment, so I said that I wasn't looking for a relationship, I just know we have feelings for each other. So my question is why does he need time apart, and what should I do?...
I'd appreciate your advise, cheers.

Mazeire

Respect his decision and give him his space. It sounds like he is trying to gather the courage and finally fully move on and see whats out there. If after all, you are onl;y his friend and thats all you want to be, then that should be ok with you shouldn't it?

Wibbs

He's another example of having his cake and eating it. He gets the odd snog or whatever from you, no strings. Must be nice for him. When he feels its getting a bit too close to the bone* he backs off. He's getting sexual and emotional support(more the former) that goes with a relationship without the responsibility of same. The same as the type of woman who keeps the exes around as shoulders to cry on. Neither is healthy especially for the exes.

Now I have known couples who split and still both pine for each other and often end up back together, but this kind of stuff usually doesn't come into it.

I'm assuming he was the one who did the dumping?

I would say give him all the space in the world. Walk away. Finally break the chain and actively look for someone else. I'm wondering why nobody else has caught your eye. Have you tried to find someone else or are you stuck on him?











*Quiet at the back there!

LegacyUser

Cheers guys, both very interesting points, and to be honest the reason I haven't been looking is because I still him, and yes Wibbs you're right, he did the dumping, he said it was all getting too much for him.

I know it's not healthy to be friends wit him but anytime I've tried cutting him out or whatever it works for a while and then we end up back where we started, escpecially as we work together.

Wibbs

OK I've seen this one before in both genders. I've even seen this more usually where there are others involved. It can mean that two people are "meant for each other". That's the rare case though and they end up with each other regardless anyway. The fact that there are no distractions from other partners says to me he doesn't quite know what he wants but is fairly sure it aint you. The reason I think that is although he says he needs space, I would put money on it that he'll show up sooner or later looking for his fix again. Observe his actions not his words. I'm quite sure he's done the "I need space" spiel before

In these cases, more often than not, it's the dumper hanging on, until "better" comes along, the dumper can't be alone(more common with women), the dumper if seeing someone else wants to make up a "perfect" partner between two people.

Either way it's selfish on the dumpers side. Very selfish. If I dump someone I have made the decision after a lot of thought that to continue is bad for me and ultimately bad for both of us. If I have loved them for any length of time, I don't want to be their friend, not until a lot of time has passed. Doing so is entirely for my sake not theirs. If I tell them to sod off, it is my duty to let them go. To do otherwise hurts them more and is frankly just not on.

If he won't commit nine times out of ten it's not that he's commitment phobic or any of that nonsense. Men(and some women) will come out with that guff, but it's an excuse. They're not afraid of commitment per se, they're afraid of commitment to you. I've seen guys who said they weren't into commitment, get very committed with someone new down the line.

Barlow07

Un reg. wrote: »

Hi guys!...I have a bit of a problem regarding my ex boyfriend and I'm wondering if you guys can offer some advise, short story is, we're in our early thirties and we went out for 3 years and then broke up two years ago.

Who's idea was it to spilt? say you both decided it was right I would say in that time he had some strong feelings for you and probably continued to over the next few months, working together would also make this harder. I would imagine he is slightly confussed and doesnt want to get hurt again if was by the last time or is unsure on how he really feels, id give some him space and leave it be for a while, but you need to sit down together and talk.

LegacyUser

WoW!!..Cheers Wibbs, thanks for the advise, guess it's time to try and let him go then, do you think I should say anything to him?

Wibbs

If he contacts you then I would say that you have been thinking about this and you agree with him. You need space and would prefer if he wasn't in your life at the moment. Basically "dump" him but be quiet and calm about it. If he asks why you're doing this, which he likely will as you're turning the tables on him, then just say that you are thinking of the future and your needs for that future and if the future is not with him, you would prefer if he wasn't in your future, at least until you have both moved on. That should cover it.

Barlow07 wrote:

Who's idea was it to spilt?

The clue is in her second post....

LegacyUser

To answer you're queston Barlow07 it was his decision to split, he felt things were getting too heavy as all our frieds were getting married and then I had a pregnancey scare which resulted in a miscarriage very very early on.

I have already had that speech with him Wibbs, were I can't have you in my life etc, it's worked for a while and then we're back to where we started. It seems everytime we get close he runs a mile, but this is the first time he's said to me he needs time away from us, it's usually me saying that. I'm just surprised he said it and wasn't sure why?

Wibbs

Un reg wrote: »

then I had a pregnancey scare which resulted in a miscarriage very very early on.

He really had the scare I suspect. He suddenly thought "Ohmigod! Holy responsibility Batman!" He needs to realise that pregnancy is a risk that comes with sex. He need to grow a pair and not just the pair in his pants.

I have already had that speech with him Wibbs, were I can't have you in my life etc,

Good.

it's worked for a while and then we're back to where we started.

Who instigates it? I suspect him and then you fold. Naturally, you want more and he knows that. It gives him leverage

It seems everytime we get close he runs a mile,

Pleasure but no responsibility.

but this is the first time he's said to me he needs time away from us, it's usually me saying that. I'm just surprised he said it and wasn't sure why?

Is it possible there's someone new on the scene?

LegacyUser

Thanks wibbs and you are dead right in what you are saying. You asked could there be someone else, I don't know. WHen we last talked a couple of weeks ago he said there wasn't so I don't know. He texted me yesterday asking how I was etc and I said I was great but a bit confused as to what to what he wanted from me and he said he didn't want anything that if we couldn't say hello without it turning into a mini drama, then we shouldn't. Grand I said, but I was just confused as to what you were saying the other day, I won't text you again.

I haven't heard anything and don't intend to speak to him, I just feel soo annoyed and hurt, it;s a side to him I have not really seen before.