34 year old man has little or no sexual expierience and needs help

desyeuxvert

Hi

I am a 34 year old Irish man and I have made some very foolish decissions in my past life. The result is that I have little or no sexual expierience and this has cost me a lot recently.

Does anyone know of a sexual therapist or someone who would be willing to teach me. I am a genuine loving and caring man who desperately wants to be able to satisfy a partner one day.

I have lost a woman who I desperately wanted because of my sexual inability and I never want to feel this way again

Help please....

LegacyUser

desyeuxvert wrote: »

The result is that I have little or no sexual expierience and this has cost me a lot recently.

because of my sexual inability .

What 's the problem? Inexperience or disability? A combination of both leading to premature ejaculation? Need more info.

Mazeire

This may get me banned but in truth it is genuinely meant to be a helpful suggestion.
Maybe its time you took a holiday to Amsterdam? Loads of professionals there and shops etc. Seriously if you avoid the drugs and the booze while there it could be a useful place to learn a few things and explore your sexuality in a non judgemental enviroment.

Good Luck!

Drift

Hey OP. I'm 25 and have less experience than you have so I don't have much advice about where to gain experience but I do have a question about this woman you lost.

If she was that great how come she wasn't willing to wait around and do a bit of teaching herself. In fairness it wouldn't have put her out of her way too much, provided of course you were willing to give it plenty of effort. To be honest it sounds to me like it's her loss and not yours.

I do recognise though that this doesn't really address your problem but don't let how you were treated in this case prevent you from being open to new experiences with the next woman that comes along.

neuro-praxis

I reckon if you go to Amsterdam and "explore your sexuality" in paid transactions you will end up loathing yourself even more.

Have you considered reading classic books such as The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort? Fully illustrated, informative, compassionate. There is a huge number of similar books available in your local bookshop, or if that is too embarrassing, that you can order online.

Ultimately we learn about sex, however, with a loving and caring partner. I agree with the above poster who stated thst if she vamoosed because of poor sexual performance you are probably better off.

What is not acceptable is poor communication from you with a partner. Talk it all through, what you have and haven't done, likes, dislikes and fantasies.

To summarise: Read up for now and decide to be open, honest and eager to work with future partners. You'll enjoy it if you are in the right frame of mind.

dar_cool

I wouldnt recommend paying for it,youll just feel terrible after it! Ive never done it but heard stories!
Get out there and and make yourself available, and most important you have to be confident, not afraid to spark up a conversation!!

newestUser

Mazeire wrote: »

This may get me banned but in truth it is genuinely meant to be a helpful suggestion.
Maybe its time you took a holiday to Amsterdam? Loads of professionals there and shops etc. Seriously if you avoid the drugs and the booze while there it could be a useful place to learn a few things and explore your sexuality in a non judgemental enviroment.

Good Luck!

A survey done around 2002/2003 found that approximately 7 percent of dutch prostitutes are HIV positive. Something to think about. Don't encourage the guy to play Russian roulette.

Marksie

Have you considered taking up tantra or one of the paths of sacred sexuality.
They are applicable to both singles and couples so you can be celibate and learn this

At it basic level it will begin to show you about your own ecstatic response, how to improve it and how to connect and be with a lover.

It will also give you the confidence you need in making love so that you and apartner can learn together

You can googlee the term and read up on it. There ar plenty of resources out there for you browse and see if it something you would be intersted in

Mazeire

newestUser wrote: »

A survey done around 2002/2003 found that approximately 7 percent of dutch prostitutes are HIV positive. Something to think about. Don't encourage the guy to play Russian roulette.

Yeah ok fair enough. I said that under the impression that health checks were mandatory but after a bit of reading i see they are not.

lizzyvera

I don't know if I'd be able to tell the difference betwen shyness and inexperience, and either way I'd never be judgemental. I think most women feel the same so don't worry. I'm sure you'll find someone you're comfortable with!

Also, on "satisfying" a woman- women are so different as regards what satisfies them that you have to learn from scratch with every partner anyway.

freeanipper

sounds like you need a sex surrogate ex http://www.sexsurrogateofla.com/

desyeuxvert

JoJoe90 wrote: »

What 's the problem? Inexperience or disability? A combination of both leading to premature ejaculation? Need more info.

I am very large and the problem is that I cant seem to maintain an errection for long enough. I only seem to be able to keep hard for about twenty minutes.....

desyeuxvert

Thanks for all the advice!!
I hope I can find a way to solve the problem. Its very hard to feel open to a new partner when you feel that you are not able to satisfy someone.

I guess I have to work on my confidence...
If anyone knows of a sexual surrogate therapy in Ireland would like to look into it...

Thanks again

neuro-praxis

By large you mean overweight?

Why not pop over to the fitness forum and the diet and nutrition forum and have a look about how you can drop a bit of weight. This will boost your confidence no end, and libido. And the more confident you are, the more attractive you will be. And the healthier you are, the better your libido.

It sounds to be like you may be depressed; perhaps looking at those issues first by taking care of your physical health and visiting a therapist would be good - and then think about a partner.

Marksie

desyeuxvert wrote: »

I am very large and the problem is that I cant seem to maintain an errection for long enough. I only seem to be able to keep hard for about twenty minutes.....

You are falling into the classical trap of sex being all about the P*nis. Its not.
But I will get to that below.
The erection and its strength can be improved and mainatined by the conditioning of the pC muscles.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pubococcygeus_muscle
Its not difficult to do, is quite a pleasurabel exercise and will have benefits, especially if combines with the stop start techique to delay ejaculatory orgasm.
An erection will also wax and wane naturally, its juts a matter of accepting this.

desyeuxvert wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice!!
I hope I can find a way to solve the problem. Its very hard to feel open to a new partner when you feel that you are not able to satisfy someone.

I guess I have to work on my confidence...
If anyone knows of a sexual surrogate therapy in Ireland would like to look into it...

Thanks again

This is in your head and needs to be worked around.
Here is a link to a series of podcasts (note these are NSFW):

http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/230-expanded-lovemaking

My personal path (skydancing tantra) is in there somewhere in a podcast by margot anand.
But listening to them will give yuo some idea of the way you should go.

But in relation to your self confidence issues and your outlook on sex in general
This starts with overcioming your own inhibitions and worries about performance issues.
The idea is endemic in western culture that foreplay is juts that..leasding to penetrative sex and an ejaculatory orgasm. It is there all genitally based.

There are so many other erogenous zones that can be stimulated through massage, touch, stroking.

using manual and oral techniques as the beginninig and the all of a session is the key to expanding your ability to satisfy a partner. So in that way, the erection is only part of what lovemaking is about.
Connectivity, openness, intimacy are a large part of it. Remember YOU cannot make your partner orgasm, you merely facilitate it.

Thus, in exploring techniques and learning about the ways to touch and stroke (always slowly and gently :-))
Look for workshops occurring in ireland and the UK on orgasmic massage and tantra techniques.
A lot of these workshops will not involve sex, but the process involveed in the connection necessary to expand lovemaking.

(its interesting to note that in the UK the guys outnumber the women in these workshops as they are more open to learning. In ireland invariably the women outnumber the men. Mindset, mindset, mindset as my teacher says)

It would be nonsensical for me to tell yuo aboutball the sex techniques as you have no base to work from. But initially you will have to overcome what ever conditioning you have been subject too. Then you can begin to learn what lovemaking is about.

Its not easy OP and will take a degree of ciommittment but you get out what you put in.

You may wish to subscribe and look at the S+S forum, its a useful starting point.

Incidentally: one of my texts states that tha average time for sex in teh west including foreplay is 2 minutes. So even a basic 20 minute erection is a damn sight better than that :-)

As for sexual surrogacy in ireland: its a very controversial therapy and i know of no-one who does this.
Though if you look at the principles of intimacy etc. from teh website and listen to what the sacred sexuality pathways talk about you see the basic principles are the same.
Where i have used my training for such purposes its been very specific with close friends with a distinct goal.

jam_mac_jam

desyeuxvert wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice!!
I hope I can find a way to solve the problem. Its very hard to feel open to a new partner when you feel that you are not able to satisfy someone.

I guess I have to work on my confidence...
If anyone knows of a sexual surrogate therapy in Ireland would like to look into it...

Thanks again

You need to be honest, I think most women in this case would be patient if you just explain your situation, if you take things a bit slower and make allowances things will improve with a woman who knows that you are inexperienced.

spurious

Also, do not fall into the trap of thinking you are the only sexually inexperienced 34 year old in Ireland. You're not, not by a long way.

Marksie

spurious wrote: »

Also, do not fall into the trap of thinking you are the only sexually inexperienced 34 year old in Ireland. You're not, not by a long way.

and that goes for both sexes OP.
A partner who doesnt communicate her needs and how she likes them fulfilled but instead works on teh assumptio that you automatically know what you are doing is multpilying your issues

desyeuxvert

neuro-praxis wrote: »

By large you mean overweight?

Why not pop over to the fitness forum and the diet and nutrition forum and have a look about how you can drop a bit of weight. This will boost your confidence no end, and libido. And the more confident you are, the more attractive you will be. And the healthier you are, the better your libido.

It sounds to be like you may be depressed; perhaps looking at those issues first by taking care of your physical health and visiting a therapist would be good - and then think about a partner.

I didnt mean over weight I meant in another way...

Dudess

I think you're making the problem into something bigger than it actually is. You're just lacking in confidence and you need to believe in yourself more. Don't mind this "sex surrogate" lark and paying for sex - that just makes the sexual act very cold and mechanical. Instead, maybe have a chat with a counsellor regarding your low self esteem - not just in the sex department, but your life in general. If you feel better about yourself in one regard, that often crosses over to another. Do you exercise? It's great for increasing your sense of well-being and will give you more body confidence. A long run or fast walk gives you a tremendous sense of accomplishment.
Plus, while it's fair enough to want to satisfy a partner, you shouldn't focus too much on this, what about your sexual satisfaction and fulfillment? Anyway, as someone already said, different strokes for different folks - especially when it comes to sex. There isn't one method of satisfying all women across the board. If you're too self conscious about what your performance is like in bed, then you're actually just accentuating your sense of inadequacy.
As for that girl you feel you "lost", maybe she didn't have a problem with your performance in bed but in actual fact she got tired of you being so down on yourself all the time? It can get frustrating when a person sees nothing but failings in themselves. And having these crippling self doubts, again, can only lead to not-very-good sex.
So start believing in yourself. You're no less deserving of a great relationship and a fantastic sex life than anyone else - don't you forget it.

johnnyskeleton

newestUser wrote: »

A survey done around 2002/2003 found that approximately 7 percent of dutch prostitutes are HIV positive. Something to think about. Don't encourage the guy to play Russian roulette.

I like those odds!

Wibbs

johnnyskeleton did that add constructively to the thread or or help the OP? that would be a no then. Try better next time.

Esel

desyeuxvert wrote: »

I am very large and the problem is that I cant seem to maintain an errection for long enough. I only seem to be able to keep hard for about twenty minutes.....

How is this a problem then?

evry1sm8

Why do people keep suggesting places like Amsterdam?? Seriously, it is disturbing me a lot since i came on here that the answer some people are giving to issues of this nature is to pay a prostitute for sex!!! :mad: That is not what sex should be about, and for people that are some-what inexperienced, it will only give a really bad example of what its all about. I personally think its sick. Having "no" *real* sexual experience in my books, is better than or more honourable than "some" experience you paid for, where the person having sex with you is only doing so for money and is faking any enjoyment!! Its messed up.

Marksie

esel wrote: »

How is this a problem then?

If you cant see it then think on it this way: you may have a souped up rifle but if you dont know how to use it you will never hit gold

desyeuxvert

Dudess wrote: »

I think you're making the problem into something bigger than it actually is. You're just lacking in confidence and you need to believe in yourself more. Don't mind this "sex surrogate" lark and paying for sex - that just makes the sexual act very cold and mechanical. Instead, maybe have a chat with a counsellor regarding your low self esteem - not just in the sex department, but your life in general. If you feel better about yourself in one regard, that often crosses over to another. Do you exercise? It's great for increasing your sense of well-being and will give you more body confidence. A long run or fast walk gives you a tremendous sense of accomplishment.
Plus, while it's fair enough to want to satisfy a partner, you shouldn't focus too much on this, what about your sexual satisfaction and fulfillment? Anyway, as someone already said, different strokes for different folks - especially when it comes to sex. There isn't one method of satisfying all women across the board. If you're too self conscious about what your performance is like in bed, then you're actually just accentuating your sense of inadequacy.
As for that girl you feel you "lost", maybe she didn't have a problem with your performance in bed but in actual fact she got tired of you being so down on yourself all the time? It can get frustrating when a person sees nothing but failings in themselves. And having these crippling self doubts, again, can only lead to not-very-good sex.
So start believing in yourself. You're no less deserving of a great relationship and a fantastic sex life than anyone else - don't you forget it.

I do exercise and I am in fairly good shape. I am not down on myself all the time and I have lots of great qualities which I and others admire. The woman I lost is very straight and says exactly what she thinks so I know it is the sexual problem that was the issue. I do believe in myself in many ways and I guess I just wanted to see what others opinion of my situation was. One can always learn something from outside perspectives. Thanks for all the advice!

Marksie

desyeuxvert wrote: »

The woman I lost is very straight and says exactly what she thinks so I know it is the sexual problem that was the issue.

What did she say was the issue?
and how did she say it?

Did she simply say i am dumping you cos your crap in bed? in whihc case you are better of without.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

What did she say was the issue?
and how did she say it?

Did she simply say i am dumping you cos your crap in bed? in whihc case you are better of without.

it takes TWO people to make love/have sex. each has to learn the other persons body & responses. If you are willing to learn, you're more than half way to being good in bed.(that's why going to prostitutes doesn't help - they just pretend to be happy with whatever you do|)

Marksie

JoJoe90 wrote: »

it takes TWO people to make love/have sex. each has to learn the other persons body & responses. If you are willing to learn, you're more than half way to being good in bed.(that's why going to prostitutes doesn't help - they just pretend to be happy with whatever you do|)

Yes i am well aware of that.

But in order to learn the other has to be able to teach.

What i am trying to establish here is not the relative inexperience of the OP
but the inability of the ex to realise your point above and that learning is only one half the issue.
Effective communication is the other. Thus the ex may well have had more sex, but still be inexperienced.
Thus if she dumped him over sex when she had in fact not attpemted to teach..and then to say that was why, that was selfish and cruel.
So he is better off out *if* that was the case

Esel

Marksie wrote: »

If you cant see it then think on it this way: you may have a souped up rifle but if you dont know how to use it you will never hit gold

I am interpreting what the OP said as meaning he takes 20 minutes to orgasm. Maybe my interpretation is wrong, but if it is not then I don't think the girl has much cause for complaint.

Mazeire

esel wrote: »

I am interpreting what the OP said as meaning he takes 20 minutes to orgasm. Maybe my interpretation is wrong, but if it is not then I don't think the girl has much cause for complaint.

Yeah sounds fine to me as well and i'm a girl! Any thing longer can be very painful.
OP just because you didn't float one womans boat doesn't mean you suck.

Marksie

esel wrote: »

I am interpreting what the OP said as meaning he takes 20 minutes to orgasm. Maybe my interpretation is wrong, but if it is not then I don't think the girl has much cause for complaint.

i see, fair enough.

I took it as maintaining erection. But then i think erection, orgasm and ejaculation are separate anyways.

Though it all still leads back to my original point that penetrative sex isnt the be all and end all.

mazeire wrote:

Yeah sounds fine to me as well and i'm a girl! Any thing longer can be very painful..

depends whether its jackhammer time.

With care, consideration and attention its limitless.