Girlfriend posting erotic books to Ex.

LegacyUser

Is it totally inapproproate for my girlfriend to be sending erotic novels to her Ex?

Bit of background. We are both 24 and have been together for three years.We live together as well. A friend gave us some erotic novels for Christmas, we had a flick through them and a laugh and then I didn't think of them again until yesterday. There was an envelope lying open on my girlfriend's desk and I noticed that it was addressed to her ex. I know I shouldn't have looked, but curiosity got the better of me and it turned out the books were inside!

I have only recently found out that she is still fairly friendly with this ex - she accidentally told me while drunk that they had met up. I didn't mind but told her that I'd prefer to know these things at the time next time. That was grand but then recently I found out, much later, that they had met again. I only find it weird becasue we are friends with all her other exes, except for this one who I have never met.

I know that there is nothing going on, although I am a bit worried because at the start of our relationship, before we were properly going out, she had a brief thing with the same ex - which she told me about at the time.

So basically am I wrong to get annoyed with her about the books? I confronted her about it and she said that she thought her ex would like them and since we didn't want them there was no harm in it. Is it not a very inappropriate person to be sending erotic novels to though?? It's making me think that maybe I should be more concerned about the other things I've mentioned.

Sherifu

While it's not a hanging offence I wouldn't be happy if I was you.
Best to talk to her and tell her you're not best pleased but try not to get confrontational.

AngryBadger

I think the problem is that SHE BELIEVES there's something happening which she needs to hide from you.

I'm not saying she's cheating or anything, but if it's all very innocent then why the secrecy?

The_Conductor

Whatever about saying "Hi" to someone the odd time- posting erotic novels to them is entirely another level. I'm pretty laid back- but if my s/o started sending parcels of erotic novels to her exes- I would be deeply unhappy about it. Its inappropriate to be honest- she is still with you, not with him, so why does she think that its ok to do this?

Shelli

I dont think posting erotic novels to an ex whom you are friends with is wrong.... but there are other issues here.

1. Why does apparantly feel the need to hide these things from you?

2. To a lesser extent: the books were given to both of you and were your property too, she's giving them away without even mentioning it to you? Again this leads back to why is she hiding the contact she has with this ex.

Mr. Incognito

Bang out of order.

Sounds like she hasn't gotten out of her last relationship.

adsgirl

It does seem a very strange thing to do, wonder how she would feel if you had suggested sending the books to an ex of yours, might be a good idea to suggest that to her, see what her reply is.

tbh

right. Weird.

PeakOutput

ye it seems odd alright as someone else said its not a hanging offence but you need to tell her that these "secret meetings" with the x and the books being sent are making you uncomfortable and that while you have no problem with her being mates with him it needs to be on the same level she is mates with the others.

see what she says but make sure she understands that if it continues then it could become a trust issue and THEN the relationship could be in jeopordy

meglome

I have bought sex toys, erotic books etc for female friends which my girlfriend was okay with as she knows they are my friends for a long time. But I wouldn't do it with an ex and expect her to be okay with it. In fact I'd be pretty sure she wouldn't be okay with it.

Wibbs

The salient points for me would be;

The books themselves and the nature of them.

You not ever meeting the ex. Why if you've met the rest of them? What's so special about him? The other exes you've met maybe because they're no threat to your relationship so she feels comfortable around them.

The fling with her ex while she was just starting with you. It depends on what was going on at the time and more details would be needed.

Was this ex the guy before you? If so there was overlap. Not good.

She's still in contact with him and is meeting him. It seems on the quiet too. Not good at all.

Maybe I'm seeing this from the other side as I've been the "ex" on three occasions. In each case there was overlap. In each case they dumped me. In each case they stayed in contact and wanted to meet. In each case I got presents from them. In each case the current boyfriend hadn't a clue. In each case they never wanted us to meet. In each case something happened in the end.

I would keep an eye open, I'm afraid. As I said maybe that's just me.

Mr. Presentable

weird, right? wrote: »

Is it totally inapproproate for my girlfriend to be sending erotic novels to her Ex?

Bit of background. We are both 24 and have been together for three years.We live together as well. A friend gave us some erotic novels for Christmas, we had a flick through them and a laugh and then I didn't think of them again until yesterday. There was an envelope lying open on my girlfriend's desk and I noticed that it was addressed to her ex. I know I shouldn't have looked, but curiosity got the better of me and it turned out the books were inside!

I have only recently found out that she is still fairly friendly with this ex - she accidentally told me while drunk that they had met up. I didn't mind but told her that I'd prefer to know these things at the time next time. That was grand but then recently I found out, much later, that they had met again. I only find it weird becasue we are friends with all her other exes, except for this one who I have never met.

I know that there is nothing going on, although I am a bit worried because at the start of our relationship, before we were properly going out, she had a brief thing with the same ex - which she told me about at the time.

So basically am I wrong to get annoyed with her about the books? I confronted her about it and she said that she thought her ex would like them and since we didn't want them there was no harm in it. Is it not a very inappropriate person to be sending erotic novels to though?? It's making me think that maybe I should be more concerned about the other things I've mentioned.

Forget about the books, it's that she hasn't finished with her ex that's your problem.

Wibbs

Agree with nipplenuts. If she's not over this guy after three years with you, then that's not good. Even if he's a fantasy safety net.

Aura

It depends entirely and you should just try and talk to her and discuss your uneasiness about the situation so it can be cleared up in a non ultimatum style way and not left hanging over you both without resolution.
Friendships can exist on so many different levels, even with Exes. Maybe it’s something they used to have a laugh about in a non sexual way and so although it may be innocent she thinks you might be not so relaxed about it for whatever reasons, which you’re entitled to be and hence didn’t tell you. You should know yourself if you can trust her and how much is your own insecurity which as your girlfriend she should also be willing to work through with you too. In my own personal experience I’ve had friendships go from sexual to completely non sexual and didn’t feel like certain general topics of conversation etc had to be then off limits and maybe innocently that’s all that’s happened here but she didn’t want to upset you and so refrained from telling you. Not too great a move on her behalf admittedly.

Do ask her though why it is you haven’t met this ex in particular. I know I’d ask to be brought up to speed on him for definite if I were you and as Wibbs says that too would be the salient point in this for me also.

Just don’t presume the worst with all this though and try and be open to her responses.

Best of luck!

A.

aidan24326

OP, you're entitled to be uneasy about this. Secret meetings, sending him erotic novels, it's all a bit cosy and not altogether appropriate considering he's an ex-boyfriend. She thinks it's fine, and as others have said it's not a hanging offence. However if the roles were reversed would she still think it was fine? If you were secretly meeting an ex-girlfriend, somehow I doubt she'd be patting you on the back for it. Remind her of that.

LegacyUser

All i can say is what a tramp! That's very disrespectful...

If it's no big deal why the secrecy?!

To be honest, my stance is that they are ex's for a reason and they shouldn't be involved in your new relationship if your current partner is not happy with it. Just out of respect...

cowzerp

She should not have a sexual relationship with this fella wheter its true books or hands on stuff, i'd tell her to nip it in the bud or else you are walking away if i was you-the fact that they messed about at the start of your relationship is bad too, that was the time for her to distance from him and accept that she's moving on, she clearly has not..

King of Kings

weird, right? wrote: »

. I only find it weird becasue we are friends with all her other exes, except for this one who I have never met.

I know that there is nothing going on,

that for me is the clincher that she is not to be trusted.

sending books of that nature to an ex is insensitive at best and acting like a tramp at worst.
I'd be surprised there was nothing going on and if there isn't it doesn't sound like it's from lack of trying on her part.

lets be honest. if any girl sent her ex erotic books he'd certainly think she wanted him back.

FakeRedHead

Biggest problem is that she meets him and doesn't tell you.

That's not good at all.

Wouldn't be too bad if she was sending him the books if you'd met him and had seen that it had all fizzled out betweeen them.

Worrying that she gets a kick out of him (and their meetings) being so separate from you.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone who replied- kinda wanted to be told I was making a fuss about nothing though. Although it does feel good to know I'm not just being irrational if/when we have a talk.
So what should I do?

-I don't think she would cheat on me. Can't stress that enough. Earlier fling with ex happened in the 6month period between us meeting and getting together properly & she told me when we started going out. Wasn't a big confession, just a mention & didn't bother me- ex is still just a name without a face to me.

-Given that, is it worth making a fuss over the fact i find her behaviour disrespectful? Shes not good at seeing anyone elses POV- if her intentions are good you can't make her understand that it could seem otherwise, to other people as well as me, or that appearances are something worth worrying about. God knows how the ex sees it all.

-I don't want to go laying down the law about who she can see and how. I know that being all demanding and irrational (from her POV) is only going to make the ex seem more fun and understanding and the thought of being compared unfavourably, even though I don't think she would act on it, is not a happy one. I've seen before that its generally the people who make the ultimatums who come out of a situation looking bad, even if they are in the right.

Wibbs

weird, right? wrote: »

Thanks everyone who replied- kinda wanted to be told I was making a fuss about nothing though. Although it does feel good to know I'm not just being irrational if/when we have a talk.

We could all be wrong too. At least you get the other angle anyway.

-I don't think she would cheat on me. Can't stress that enough.

Never assume that. The list of men and women I know that did and found out otherwise is a long one. Myself included. It's not an excuse for paranoia either. It should keep both partners on their toes.

Earlier fling with ex happened in the 6month period between us meeting and getting together properly & she told me when we started going out.

Non issue then. Was he the ex before you?

ex is still just a name without a face to me.

That's the bit we're all struggling with, given you've met her other exes.

-Given that, is it worth making a fuss over the fact i find her behaviour disrespectful?

I wouldn't make a fuss, but I would mention it. What she chooses to do with that will tell you a lot.

Shes not good at seeing anyone elses POV-if her intentions are good you can't make her understand that it could seem otherwise, to other people as well as me,

Not a good sign in someone. It reeks of self centered behaviour. No self awareness. If it's excused away as her "being nice", I would be very dubious. Basically she doesn't care what others think deep down, so long as she gets something from it.

God knows how the ex sees it all.

She may be stringing him along for the attention of it though if that crap is going on this long that is not so good. At all. If she sees him with any regularity it's not good. While I take Aura's point about exes and friendship, secrecy is the defining factor here. Don't excuse her by saying she doesn't see the problem. She does she just chooses to ignore it.

As I said I've been the ex and it's my feeling that sooner or later if you don't establish some boundary in this something will happen more often than not.

It's a hard balance to strike though. I can tell you this much. On two occasions when I was the ex, one of the guys flipped and issued an ultimatum and she didn't contact me for a good while, but in the end she did, when something else went south with their relationship and she ended up cheating on him with me. The other guy just told her he trusted her completely and she stayed in contact and she ended up cheating on him with me quite soon afterwards. In both cases, they told me it was over so I didn't find out until afterwards the the boyfriend had been still in play. I'll also say that I would never have accused either of those women of being the cheating type. No way.

My advice would be to ask her calmly about it and explain it does puzzle you why you never met this guy who she seems close to. Do not over explain yourself and don't get emotional at all. Ask to meet this guy. Tell her you trust her and that's not the problem but you just would like an explanation and you wouldn't mind meeting the guy anyway as he sounds cool. See how she reacts to that...

-I don't want to go laying down the law about who she can see and how.

Agreed.

I know that being all demanding and irrational (from her POV) is only going to make the ex seem more fun and understanding

Then don't be demanding and irrational. Be clear calm and direct and tell her this strikes you as odd and makes you uncomfortable.

I've seen before that its generally the people who make the ultimatums who come out of a situation looking bad, even if they are in the right.

Agreed but those who ignore their own boundaries are just as bad.

Aura

Yeah I agree asking to meet him is the best approach but calmly calmly does it.

OP I must admire how respectful of her space you're being here. Many would just see red and not necessarily rightly so.

Hats off and she's an idiot if she messes you around.

A.

chris_oc

I think everyone is bang on in the previous comments!
thats not on at all at all!!!.....
you should definatly say something to her about it,let her know what the hell is going through your head and how bang out of order it is(espec' the secrecy!!)
oh and hey,people have a way of giving back smart answers to things like this (i tend not to win that many arguements;)) because by now shes definatly had time to think of a few arguements to justify her actions,I would just show her this whole thread and let the comments speak for themselves!

Wibbs

chris_oc wrote: »

I would just show her this whole thread and let the comments speak for themselves!

We're pretty much all in agreement over him saying something, but no offence and I hope you're jokin' but just in case....showing her this thread is a really bad plan. Up there with giving Buddy Holly the controls of the plane on that fateful night....

Seriously she will freak and walk away. Game over. the ex would be jumping her within the week and frankly I wouldn't be surprised.

LegacyUser

What exactly has the girlfriend been hiding? She didn't mention she was still close with her ex, so what? People are allowed to not tell their partner everything. The OP found the envelope, asked his girlfriend about it and she told him the truth. That's not exactly hiding anything.
OP if you're worried then you're worried. Talk to your girlfriend. We don't know if she's a lying, cheating tramp or not.