Do I have the right to be angry/upset?

LegacyUser

Hi,
Been seeing a girl recently. When we met we both fancied each other. No problem there. She was after being hurt from a previous relationship, like we all have, so didnt want to go through that again. She said nothing serious, and I agreed. It kinda suits me too. So everythings going fine. Been seeing a good bit of each other.

I just saw photos of her with some fella last weekend. Only saw them maybe 5 minutes ago.

Now, I'm kinda gutted. I'm not into sharing my women. But I dont think theres anything I can do here. I have no claim on her, theres nothing serious, but I'm still a bit hurt. Maybe it'll wear off soon enough, but for the moment, I kinda feel like I've been cheated on. I'm not used to the kinda situation I'm in with her so maybe thats it.

She was txtin me as normal since then, tho i've kinda felt there was sumtin off. maybe, just maybe, she could possibly even feel guilty, but thats highly unlikely.

I dunno. Can anoyone she some light and give me advice here? I dont suspect I'm in a totally unique situation but I could still use some cheering up.

Thanks.

AngryBadger

Sorry OP, but you don't really have any justification for being upset here. You like this girl, but you've both agreed it's a casual arrangement, it's still not pleasant when you see her with someone else, but I'm afraid that's what you signed on for.

Your' only options are to accept the fact of it and move on (with/without the girl in question), or to speak to her and see if she want's to be more exclusive.

Reku

Afraid it doesn't sound like you ever made any kind of exclusivity commitment, whereas you have both agreed to keep it all casual (which while you may have taken as meaning not rushing into things she seems to have taken as meaning you're both free to date others) so you don't really have any right to be angry with her. At the same time though, just as the loose relationship allows her to date others it also allows to to just walk away if you don't want to deal with having to share her affections with other guys.

It is odd that she wouldn't mention that she was seeing someone else also, but then perhaps this is the norm for open relationships, anyone have any experience of them?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Agreed. "Not serious" means not exclusive. Couple of questions, though:

1) What was happenign in the photos? "With some fella" cound mean anything - maybe she likes you more?

2) When were the photos taken? (Iassume you meant you only saw them at the weekend) - They could be months old.

Advice? Clarify. If you want her more, tell her. Maybe she feels the same.

All the best,

poo.

Balmed Out

When ye talked was it not serious but dating or not serious but going out. If your going out with someone then although it can be casual its still exclusive in my eyes. If I were you and I wanted it exclusive id end it now and explain why. Shell either realise what shes missing out on or it was never going to be worth it anyhow so how bad.

Mr. Incognito

No- if you weren't cool with it you shouldn't have stated you were.

spurious

hurt_man wrote: »

Hi,
I'm not into sharing my women

Women are never 'your' women. Perhaps you did not mean exactly what you said there, but I would find that kind of offensive.

You haven't been cheated on, there is nothing committed between you and this woman. She is certainly not 'yours'.

Marksie

farohar wrote: »

It is odd that she wouldn't mention that she was seeing someone else also, but then perhaps this is the norm for open relationships, anyone have any experience of them?

casual and open are different. Casual its pretty much you meet when you meet and enjoy for what it is.
Open is different, it depends on the degree of commitment, but generally one tells the other if someone else comes on the scene.

So OP, given its "casual" then she hasnt done anything wrong

Mighty_Mouse

I reckon there's a difference when it comes to this type of situation.
When in the initial "no commitment" stages of a relationship blokes can kiss about. Whereas girls will "date" about i.e have a few on the go to make a proper selection!
Big-up to the girls if you ask me.

You've no right to be angry buddy, just don't be so naive next time!

Also the fact that yer so pissed off might mean that you should reconsider how loose you want to keep this relationship.
ie sound like yer feelings are starting to get serious.

PeakOutput

I can understand how you feel op but this is your problem not hers.

its happened me a few times and while it gets me(and probably always will) at a gut level, she can do what she wants and at that stage of a relationship i would have no problem scoring someone else and not feeling guilty so i understand im being hypocritical.

the one thing that really does my nut is if we are in the same place and she scores someone else knowing im there, again i dont think i really have a right to be upset but the fact that i wouldnt score someone else in front of someone id been with the night before, for example, makes me feel like i have some sort of right to be pissed of a bit. even in this example though i wouldnt dream of bringing it up i just would not be with her again.

its just one of those things that will always get at you, i assume its because we ll like to think we should be more than enough for any girl but im sure they are thinking the same thing and would feel just as pissed if they found out wed kissed someone else. if its something you cannot deal with then casual is not for you

pwd

Tell her what you saw and how you feel without criticising her, or being dramatic.
You need to sort out where you stand with each other.
Be honest but understated, even casual. I suggest understatement because she could say that she doesn't want to see you exclusively, and if that happens you will save a lot of face by understating, and she is probably more likely to want to see you exclusively if you don't make a big deal of it too tbh.

Vegeta

spurious wrote: »

Women are never 'your' women. Perhaps you did not mean exactly what you said there, but I would find that kind of offensive.

You haven't been cheated on, there is nothing committed between you and this woman. She is certainly not 'yours'.

relax-a-mundo. He doesn't like sharing the women he is in a realtionship with, is that more politically correct for you

OP, post number 2 is spot on.

LegacyUser

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

Agreed. "Not serious" means not exclusive. Couple of questions, though:

1) What was happenign in the photos? "With some fella" cound mean anything - maybe she likes you more?

2) When were the photos taken? (Iassume you meant you only saw them at the weekend) - They could be months old.

Advice? Clarify. If you want her more, tell her. Maybe she feels the same.

All the best,

poo.

1) the fella was all over her. arms around her kissin her neck n stuff. seemed to be havin a great time. definately something going on. you'll have to take me word on that.

2) last weekend


argh, nah im just pissed off. shoulda known what i was gettin myself into.

but where do i go from here? I'm given up on having anything serious, and i dont want anything this casual with her for this very reason. But as a man, im torn because, ashamedly, shes hot, and "knows how to work it"!

I might just leave it. not gonna txt her. wait til she txts me. hopefully i can cross the line to not having feelings for her and just usin her for whats shes using me! to be honest, I'll need to lose respect for her first. I cant treat a woman I respect like that. And it gets to me that she probably doesnt respect me if shes capable of that!

btw in response to someone getting offended by my "ownership" of this woman, you're way off the mark!! I meant "women I have delaings with", not that i "own"!! you need to be less touchy!! (pot <-> kettle )

Wibbs

You'll have to sit down and define what the relationship is, to reduce misunderstandings. If not this will happen again most like.

Aura

Of course you've the right to be upset but within the parameters you have discussed with her she hasn't done anything wrong. You need to tell her you're not comfortable with it and see if she would like for things to be more exclusive.

Photos can often seem to say more than is actually true though particularly when taken on a night out so don't jump to conclusions.

Hope things work out for you.

A.

LegacyUser

You can take some positives from this. You are into her enough to want a relationship. Even if it's not serious. You can talk to her on this basis, without being judgemental or complaining. Just state the facts. She'll say no. She'll say yes. Either way you can have a resolution to this. And either you get the girl or you can move on. It's tough I know, we've all been there, but you need to take it on the chin and do something positive.

Jack B. Badd

hurt_man wrote: »

hopefully i can cross the line to not having feelings for her and just usin her for whats shes using me! to be honest, I'll need to lose respect for her first. I cant treat a woman I respect like that. And it gets to me that she probably doesnt respect me if shes capable of that!

You honestly don't sound emotionally mature enough to be having a casual relationship.

At the risk of sounding sexist, your attitude is something I'm more familiar with as a female point of view, i.e. the assumption that, despite the fact that you've knowingly entered into an agreement which excludes commitment, you actually are in a committed relationship and the other person is being an asshole because they're sticking to the original terms of the agreement. This girl not wanting to be in a committed relationship with you does not mean she lacks respect for you or that she's using you. Oh, and btw you claiming that you have to lose respect for a woman before you can be in a casual relationship with her is childish beyond all belief...