Dealing with loss

LegacyUser

My wife found out in late 2006 that she was pregnant with our third child. When she went for her first scan she found out it was actually our third and fourth as she was expecting twins. All went well until about three weeks before her due date when early one sunday she felt incredibly ill and painful. We rushed to the hospital and she was taken immediatly to the theatre for an emergency caesarian.

Unfortunatly one of our boys didn't make it.

Our other son is thriving and I give thanks for that, but I am finding it increasingly hard to hold back the anger that I feel over our loss. I don't feel much of anything else.

Just need a little help.

Marksie

I would advise not holding it back and letting it out. Its a way to move on. But let it out not at those closest to you but in a sitaution where you can really just let go.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life OP, If it was I would still have my nephew with me:(.

But its part of the grieving process.

Your wufe and kids do need you now, but do take the time to greive

r3nu4l

I'm sorry to hear about that OP. It sounds as though you never grieved properly at the time and are trying to deal with it now but have never really dealt with it head-on. The best thing you can do is talk to your wife and tell her how you feel...make sure she knows you don't blame her.

Then go seek some help, talk to a counsellor about it. Honestly, that's the only way to go. You can learn to deal with it and to cope well. Any loss is always very hard but you should get help with this for the sake of your family as well as yourself.

milod

Most people can't even begin to identify with the sort of loss you have suffered. While everyone will feel sympathy for you, you probably need a bit more than just that. All I can say is you need to speak with someone more qualified than the average forum user - a bereavement counsellor for example. I know that takes courage, but I do know two friends who really did benefit from bereavement counselling.

embee

OP,

I am sorry to hear of your loss - it is probably one of the most heartbreaking things any parent can go through, and I'm sure you feel totally conflicted between your feelings of happiness of the boy who did make it, and anger and sadness at the boy who didn't.

I would second the suggestion that bereavement counselling is a good idea. Perhaps you and your wife could go together? She is more than likely having every feeling you are having... dealing with this together as a couple could really help you. You said that you are finding it hard to feel anything other than anger, and to me, this would be an indication that it is time to seek outside help. Sometimes, talking to someone that you don't know can help. If you are angry, then unless you get a way to let that out constructively, well, it could upset your relationships with your family and friends. You have been through such a terrible ordeal and you and your wife and kids all need each other more than ever.

How old are your first two children? Are they old enough to understand what has happened? If so, they could benefit with some sort of counselling too - children are very perceptive and will more than likely have picked up on tension and sadness from you and your wife.

Good luck with it all - I am sorry again that you have had to go through this.

Beruthiel

not coping well wrote: »

Unfortunatly one of our boys didn't make it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please do think about seeing a bereavement counsellor, for your own sake and that of your family.
Something like this is just too difficult to deal with all by yourself, you need to get this out in a constructive way. Keeping it all bottled up will drive you mad in the end.

Take care of yourself.

AngryBadger

I can't identify with that kind of loss OP, all I can suggest is talking to a grief councellor as Milod suggested, and talking to your wife as well, maybe not necessarily telling her about your anger right away as she's probably trying to sort her own feelings out too, but just talking about what you're both feeling will make it a little easier for the two of you.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your responses folks.
We have talked about it on several occasions. At the time I did feel alot of grief and cried my heart out a few times. It is only with the last few months that the grief has dissappated and anger has replaced it. I would not have a problem going to a councilor but my wife wants nothing to do with them at the moment and I feel I must respect her wishes at this time.

Our two older boys are 5 and 3 and tbh the elder has been a real source of joy and comfort as he is wise and thoughtful beyond his years. Not saying that the second edition isn't but he is just a little young to understand what has gone on.

AngryBadger

I can understand that going on your own would upset her.

Beyond that all I can say is that feeling anger at this stages seems like a normal part of the grieving process, not in any way pleasant obviously, but a very natural response at this stage.

Sorry I don't have any really useful advice OP. I always find talking it over and over eventually helps people get to grips with things.

NextSteps

There is also an Irish Stillbirth Society: http://www.carmichaelcentre.ie/isands/index.htm. Perhaps it would help to talk to someone else who's been through something similar - and not a counsellor per se.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Brown_Eyed_Girl

Very sorry to hear of your loss, it is very difficult for anyone to advise you on this as we all have to do what is best for us, and that is different in each individual case. I lost two girls three years apart a few years ago now, and the loss never leaves you. There is one thing that I will say, the way we each deal with this loss will impact of our lives so if you feel the need for counsellling on your own ............. go do it, and dont let this have a negative impact on your life, with your life with your wife and your life with your kids. I didnt and it ruined my marriage and every subsequent relationship since.

There is a group called ISANDS which can help, but I think that I would recommend individual berevement counselling.

PM me if I can be of any help or you would like to talk

Oriel

not coping well wrote: »

hard to hold back the anger that I feel over our loss.

Anger at who or what?

Beruthiel

Oriel wrote: »

Anger at who or what?

Anger, along with denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance are all part of the grieving process Oriel.

I would not have a problem going to a councilor but my wife wants nothing to do with them at the moment and I feel I must respect her wishes at this time

I can understand that she doesn't feel ready to talk to a professional yet, but are you saying that she would rather you didn't either? Surely she wouldn't hold it against you if you needed help.
I really cannot stress the importance about talking this out with someone trained to help you get through this.

Shelli

I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but having a boy recently myself I can only assume that it must be a huge conflict of emotions. Wanting to celebrate the new arrival but also being so angry and sad at the loss of his brother, and possibly even guilt for being happy.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice except that maybe you could see a cousellor on your own.

I really hope you find some peace and consolation soon.

Tink

I am sorry to hear of your loss op.

I hope you can manage to get some sort of help either on your own or as a couple.

My Nephew was stillborn three years ago my sister had waited 12 years for this baby it was her second child she already had a daughter.
There was no explanantion he was perfect I was at the birth with her

They eventually went for counselling last year and it has been a success.

thund

as a parent my heart goes out to u.i remember my wife telling me about her friend who lost a twin at birth but would always look at the other child as if the child she lost was still part of the one who lived seeing that they were together from the start.she maintained that a part of the twin stayed with the other.she said it helped her a lot. i hope in time your anger and hurt will fade.good luck

LegacyUser

Hello there

I am sorry for your loss. It is something
I can't 'feel my way into' very well but my
thoughts are that you sound to be a particularly
reflective, deep-feeling sort of person who might
find it difficult to communicate your deepest
feelings and impressions with others. An aptly
trained counselor will understand the emotional
dynamics involved between two people with
different or interlocking personalities and will
deftly guide you both through this unkind terrain.

Maybe you could attend on your own, and
express the urgency of the requirement to
your wife? You both have equal need at
this time.

The best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

Again, thank you all for the kind words.

Actually we had a bit of news today that has me feeling a little better. We are going to get the full results of the autopsy within the next few weeks. It has been kind of on the backboiler since we were told informally what had happened and the fact that we are actually going to sit down with a doctor and be able to ask questions if we want has given me a small sense of relief.

Also, my wife had been in contact with the ISANS people already, which just hadn't twigged with me before. However, I'm not sure that a group thing like that is for me. I can be rather taciturn when confronted directly with something I feel uncomfortable with as I don't have the verbal dexterity when under pressure. One on one maybe, but this is the medium I feel most at ease with as I have the time to think out what I want to say and phrase it in a way that I find right. Also, the anonynmity afforded here allows me to unburden myself with more forthrightness than I would otherwise be able to achieve.

embee

not coping well wrote: »

Again, thank you all for the kind words.

Actually we had a bit of news today that has me feeling a little better. We are going to get the full results of the autopsy within the next few weeks. It has been kind of on the backboiler since we were told informally what had happened and the fact that we are actually going to sit down with a doctor and be able to ask questions if we want has given me a small sense of relief.

Also, my wife had been in contact with the ISANS people already, which just hadn't twigged with me before. However, I'm not sure that a group thing like that is for me. I can be rather taciturn when confronted directly with something I feel uncomfortable with as I don't have the verbal dexterity when under pressure. One on one maybe, but this is the medium I feel most at ease with as I have the time to think out what I want to say and phrase it in a way that I find right. Also, the anonynmity afforded here allows me to unburden myself with more forthrightness than I would otherwise be able to achieve.

Hi OP,

Hope you are keeping well. It is good news that ye will get the full autopsy results soon - whilst it won't change what happened to ye, it will help you both understand why your son died, which can lift a huge weight. Understanding why it happened will help you on the way to processing your grief. You may still feel angry afterwards though, but be ready for that.

Would you not just give the group sessions a try? Don't write them off before at least trying them. You have no idea - it could be hugely cathartic for you to talk to other Dads in your situation. Your wife too may feel like she needs to talk to other women who've had her experience - to feel your baby move inside of you all day every day and to lose them is a different experience to your own. It isn't any worse for your wife, don't get me wrong, but she would have a physical rememberance of her son that would make the process different for her. Perhaps talking to other women is what she needs too?

We're always here on boards to talk to you if you are having a bad time, but don't let this be your only outlet. I'm not a trained counsellor and I would imagine that most of the other people on boards aren't either, so whilst we can help by listening, or offering our own opinions or advice, I still believe that you should seek professional help with your grief and sadness.

LegacyUser

embee wrote: »

Hi OP,

Hope you are keeping well. It is good news that ye will get the full autopsy results soon - whilst it won't change what happened to ye, it will help you both understand why your son died, which can lift a huge weight. Understanding why it happened will help you on the way to processing your grief. You may still feel angry afterwards though, but be ready for that.

Hey embee.
I fully expect to. One of the few loci I have found for the rage is I felt there was a certain laxity in the care my wife received in the weeks before the event. I felt this at the time and as things turned out I can't say my opinion has changed. We have talked about it and she is of the opinion that the care received was the care everyone gets, but I still disagree. Of course the chances are that she is right (as she normally is) but that isn't really a comfort.
I just hope that the animosity that's bubbling underneath doesn't find a fissure at the report. The last thing I want is to upset herself at it.

embee wrote: »

Would you not just give the group sessions a try? Don't write them off before at least trying them. You have no idea - it could be hugely cathartic for you to talk to other Dads in your situation. Your wife too may feel like she needs to talk to other women who've had her experience - to feel your baby move inside of you all day every day and to lose them is a different experience to your own. It isn't any worse for your wife, don't get me wrong, but she would have a physical rememberance of her son that would make the process different for her. Perhaps talking to other women is what she needs too?

I have no problem with my wife going, but I like to think I am self-aware enough (who doesn't?) to know how I would react in a group session (defensive, aggressive, narky, curt and non too polite). Having me along could make things uncomfortable for her and that is not going to happen at this time if I can help it. I'm not ruling it out completely but just not at the mo'.

embee wrote: »

We're always here on boards to talk to you if you are having a bad time, but don't let this be your only outlet. I'm not a trained counsellor and I would imagine that most of the other people on boards aren't either, so whilst we can help by listening, or offering our own opinions or advice, I still believe that you should seek professional help with your grief and sadness.

Funnily enough just saying I have a bit of a problem has lessened the pressure a bit

Thank you for your support though.

The fact that I have a mouth-piece that is my own is oddly comforting. My wife is already on other fora and she doesn't come here afaik.

LegacyUser

Not a good day yesterday. Finished paying the undertaker and it just felt awful.

sobriquet

Hi OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through, those mixed emotions when your a new father and newly bereaved. I lost my mother almost nine months ago now, though it still feels like it was this morning. Up until recently, not a week went by without some kind of 'milestone' - christenings, birthdays, masses. It seemed relentless, though it's let up now. I don't know if they get any easier, it's maybe too early to tell yet, but it does become normal in a sense, as though you kind of work with it, if that makes sense.

You mentioned being self-aware as to how you're feeling, and I know where you're coming from. Funny thing is though, all through Mams' illness and after her death, I'd find myself getting angry and anxious about the oddest things. These weren't trivial things, it made sense to worry about them, but otherwise they wouldn't have bothered me. When something changed, test results came back or something, it didn't matter in the slightest. Being sufficiently self-aware that you can circumvent that is hard. If you feel comfortable expressing yourself here, do that; trying to get things across in 'real life' is clouded by stuff like the above, besides the usual problems with communicating with people. If in the future you change your mind and want to deal with it another way, do that. There's plenty of time.

A former boss of mine had two children, both were born ill and not given long to live, as in they wouldn't make it to adulthood. The first died a few years ago. At Mams funeral he consoled that it's not easy, but you do get through it, hard as it seems, one foot goes in front of the other as it were. I figured he as much as anyone knew what he was talking about, but the strange thing was whenever I'd meet him since, he'd ask how things were and suggest that, God, it must be awful hard on ye all. It was distinctly as if he couldn't quite comprehend it, which I've never really got an insight into. His second daughter died yesterday morning, the funeral is on Monday. Still, I suspect that once all is said and done, he'd give the same advice again.

Take care.

shalom

Hi op,

Sorry to hear about your loss. I went through the same loss myself 7 and half years ago. It was our 2nd and 3rd child. We have since had another child. PM me if you like and I can let you know how we coped. I really don't want to put all my details and feelings up here. Its too personal. But we did get through it. I don't know if I can private pm you when you are unreg. If anyone can tell me how I will PM you.
Shalom

SarahSassy

OP.

I am very sorry about your loss. I had a very close friend who went through a similar loss about 3 years ago. They went to an isands meeting and got something out of it. Its not for everyone but Im sure 50% of the people going there feel or are worried they will act as you imagine you will...

I have no words of wisdom and cant imagine your pain but even posting here was a step towards dealing with your loss.

Best wishes.

SS

estar

going to a counsellor on your own might help you
in being strong for your family - it allows you to
express how you feel and have an outlet for it
which eases some of the pain getting through the
daily routine

it can be hard when you arent used to feeling
weak or emotional to be set upon by such feelings
and this is probably where your anger is coming
from as you are in an uncomfortable place where
you dont have prior experience of coping. its
natural and normal to be angry and ask why
me? we all do it at some stage.

the hospital should have provided you with details
of the bereavement counsellor that services your
health board area as far as i know. it sounds funny
but when you are faced with a tragedy and
dont have the ready tools to deal with it you
have to learn how to grieve, how to deal with
your feelings.

my worry would be that if you dont seek a bit of
support outside the family unit, it could put more
pressure on you than is necessary. however some
people move through the grieving process without
this, it cant hurt to try it though.


i wish you all the best, you should keep posting if you
find it helps. my deepest sympathies also