Rebounds?

LegacyUser

I met a guy a couple of months back, but we live 5 hours away from each other. We've been in constant contact since. And he travelled to see me recently. We do really click and I think he's gorgeous. I said yes when he asked to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I tend to worry about silly things sometimes... he was just out of a year and a half relationship by a month when we met.... I'm a little worried about it being a 'rebound' thing etc... or just trying to make his ex jealous by changing relationship status etc on certain social networking sites. I've always heard about rebound relationships being really bad etc... but does anyone know anything about what to look out for if it is just one or if he really is into me?

Cathmandooo

reboundorreal wrote: »

I met a guy a couple of months back, but we live 5 hours away from each other. We've been in constant contact since. And he travelled to see me recently. We do really click and I think he's gorgeous. I said yes when he asked to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I tend to worry about silly things sometimes... he was just out of a year and a half relationship by a month when we met.... I'm a little worried about it being a 'rebound' thing etc... or just trying to make his ex jealous by changing relationship status etc on certain social networking sites. I've always heard about rebound relationships being really bad etc... but does anyone know anything about what to look out for if it is just one or if he really is into me?

It's been a few months already, I doubt you're a rebound. Do you see each other often? You say you've been in constant contact, doesnt that show you he's interested in you? Only you and him know if he's really into you. If you see that he really enjoys your time together then I don't see why you should be worried.

Him changing his relationship status could just mean that he's happy and wants to tell the world. Maybe a small part of him did that to hurt his ex, none of us are perfect, it still doesnt mean he's using you.

Enjoy what you've got and just be honest with him. Stop worrying so much!

pookie82

ooooooh, be careful here. I know only too well what the fall out from this can be. Just out of a long relationship and head first into another can spell disaster. Of course it can and has worked for some people, but the majority of cases have their hiccups to say the least.

What's his attitude like when he speaks of his ex?? Is he still bitter/angry/uncommunicative about her?? Those can all be signs of not being over someone properly. It could be that that relationship had been fizzling out for ages and he was more than ready to meet someone new when you came along. Sounds like he's genuinely quite happy.

However, he could just be trying to convince himself that he's better off without her/can do better with someone else or is determined to make this work to spite her. Only you can figure out the answers to this. Are they still in contact?? How soon did he change his realtionship status??

The real way to gauge whether or not he's genuine is his attitude towards her. If he doesn't speak ill of her but says that they had just run their course etc chances are he's ready to move on. But if she cheated or hurt him badly there may be some residual feelings undealt with beneath the bitterness.

These situations are always tricky as he may even think he's over her/cut off all contact etc and then with the passing of time start to miss her, get back in contact with her/realise that he finished things too quick. Obviously this isn't bound to happen (hopefully it's very unlikely) but it can be hard to just erase a year and a half like that, especially if he didn't have enough time to get over her alone.

This is all negative though, and hopefully it'll all work out fine. My advice is to consider the nature of the break up, his feelings toward her and the whole situation now, and take it from there. You'll know yourself if the alarm bells are sounding.

AngryBadger

There's no guaranteed way to know what's going on in another persons head.

tbh I'd say you're in greater danger of sabotaging things by worrying about something like this (which is fairly stupid imo).

He wants to go out with you, there's no guarantee that means he's going to marry you, or that you'll even want to be with him in six months. Go out with him, see where it goes.

Seriously, what is it with women wanting a guarantee "good for one six-month relationship" before they'll even go on a date with someone?

milkerman

TBH I am not at all convinced of the truth of the 'rebound' thing. So called 'rebound' relationships dont always work, but equally 'relationships' dont always work - you will find loads of evidence to support this on these pages. It is all down to the individuals involved and there are no set rules.

Don't try to second guess this guy. Just take him as you find him and enjoy it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies:)

I adore this guy, but I just need to find a way of asking him about stuff with out coming across like I'm nagging at him etc.I did ask him before, if he needed time to be single for a bit and he said no, due to being hurt before, he has learned to deal with it and doesn't let stuff like that bother him anymore. We met, then were just friends...sort of flirting etc every day over emails/msn/phone... then got together just recently when we spent a weekend togehter. He said he wanted to go out together. If we were living in the same place, then I reckon none of this would even be bothering me... it's just that his ex lives near him. He said it was a mutual break up, but I don't believe break ups are ever truely mutual. He collected his stuff from her house a few weeks ago (he didn't really want to go around there). My intuition tells me that there's no way this guy could be in love with a girl who he went out with for a year and a half and be 'over her' just like that. Especially as they were friends first (and now their friendship is all messed up too apparently).
It's just a matter of knowing what to do...maybe if I stop worrying (good advice Cathoo!!) and see what happens, cautiously. Talking about exes is a bit of a sore subject I think, when you're dating someone. But we are incredibly open with each other so I'll try and bring up my concern and even joke about it.
No, he doesn't really speak ill of her...all he said was they weren't any good for each other as she couldn't handle him flirting with other girls (he told her he was like that anyway... and he has very strong moral values and has never cheated on anyone etc...but she got too jealous which annoyed him).

I'm being a bit cautious about this, as it took me a while to get over my ex (and now I'm happy, I don't want someone to wreck my head as it's my final degree year!).

Wibbs

milkerman wrote: »

TBH I am not at all convinced of the truth of the 'rebound' thing. So called 'rebound' relationships dont always work, but equally 'relationships' dont always work - you will find loads of evidence to support this on these pages. It is all down to the individuals involved and there are no set rules.

True enough. All relationships have risk. That's just the way it is. The less red flags the better, but equally there are relationships that have no red flags that fail and ones that have a lot, that don't.

Rebounds are a funny one. I've been in one and I've had exes rebound after a serious relationship with me and then come back to me down the line. Actually in all cases but one. I can only report what I've seen at first hand.

Rebounding is a big red flag, if that is the case here. Mainly because the other person may still be in play, either as a reality, and ideal, or simply because lessons weren't learned. Basically there are three people in the relationship where there should only be two.

Spotting them? Hard to say and it varies a lot. There's no magic formula that's for sure.

I would say if someone leaves an ex immediately to go to the new person, that's a bad sign. If the relationship was actually over before it ended officially then that's less of an issue. Even more so if the ex relationship was a very long term thing, like 5 years or something like that. If there was an overlap between the relationships, not so good.

If the person is still in regular contact with the ex and talks about them a lot, that's the biggest red flag. It's all too easy to find that when the new relationship hits a tough spot the ex is there to pick up the slack.

Following on from that, if the ex and the new person are being combined to make a perfect partner that's not good and usually a third new person may come along.

I'm also slightly suspicious of his claim that because he's been hurt before he can get over a relationship quickly. Yes it's possible, but in under a month? As you said these things are rarely mutual and also as you point out they were friends first to add to that. He can block out a year plus romantic relationship and a previous friendship in under a month? It's either he has blocked it out and not acknowledged it yet, which means it'll sooner or later come back to bite him and by association you, or they weren't really friends or loved up in the first place and he didn't have much emotionally to lose in the first place. Sure it's possible it's how he explains it, you can call me cynical, but I just don't buy it. Your intuition may be telling you the right thing.

TBH my bigger concern would be why his ex got the jitters and his explanation for same. People at the start of relationships hold something of themselves back. This is good, it allows for discovery of the other person. If you listen though, people will tell you quite directly what they may be like down the line. They'll tell you what to expect in some aspects of their behaviour. It's often missed in the heady romance of the early days though.

I would look at what he is telling you however. His contention that he's flirty with other women was the problem for her stands out for me. His contention that "he told her he was like that anyway" is no excuse. If he had respect for her he would have at least dialled it back a bit, if he saw this was upsetting her. I'm quite sure she mentioned this was an issue for her in the year odd he was with her. If that was all she needed to feel a little more secure and he was in love with her, why is it what split the relationship up?

Now history is repeating itself and he's telling you exactly what he told her, so basically you can pretty much expect him to be flirty with other women and because he's explained that he's a "moral" guy any issue you may have with his flirtatious behaviour will be your problem, as far as he's concerned. After all he told you, didn't he, so why should you have a problem with this? If this will be a problem for you and obviously it depends on the degree of it, I would ask some questions and keep my eyes open.

Now you could explain this away by saying his ex was overly needy and insecure. I'm sure he will explain it that way. It's possible, but I'm not so sure. That's my take on it anyway.