Things getting worse....this a good suggestion?

Teddi

hmmm.....where to start..

well my current situation couldnt be any worse....everything that ive been dealing with seems to be getting worse and for the life of me cannot put a brave face on things anymore. My family have the knowledge of about 10% of whats going on with me hence me not wanting to worry them...im overly considerate in a stupid sense I know. Im stuck in a constant repetitive loop of no confidence...no self esteem....over thinking...weight gain...mild panic attacks.. and my college work is getting to a bottle neck with the quantity and is adding additional stress...I feel like I can't cope anymore with the daily routine...

Ive had suicidal thoughts.....but from a previous post i mentioned that its only the thought of my family that is holding me back. because im seen by many people as an up-beat friendly guy I couldnt even think about approaching this to anyone as once im face to face with them my serious side would disipate and the awkwardness of the situation would bring me out in a more smiley way (badly described but I hope someone understands) and hence lessening the effect of what Im trying to say to them..

So I was thinking..should I write out a letter..print it off a few times and send them to the family individually?

I fear if things continue the way they are...I wont be able to hide behind mr.happy anymore..

thanks for reading

IamBeowulf

Sit down and talk with your mom or dad. They know you best and may well have seen signs but not said anything. Please remember that your friends and family love you. When these suicidal thoughts hit, fight them off straightaway, or call/talk to someone. I've been where you've been and felt the loneliness. But most of it is exhaustion / paranoia. You are not alone. Always be willing to ask for help. Let the Mr Happy facade slide and be the real you. It will truly help.

Overheal

It can be a really hard thing to do: talk to your family members when you're feeling this down. I've been there myself: you don't want to worry your family, when they are happy for your success, etc.

If you feel you really don't want to talk to anyone you know (only to their upset) you should make an immediate appointment with your college counsellor. But if thats too impersonal for you, then you really need to get in touch with your friends that know you best.

Failing that: tell us whats wrong. What has put such a high price on life that you don't want to pay for it?

Teddi

thanks over+beowulf...

I dont have many friends to confide in(none that Id feel comfortable talking to about this)...due to this depression etc Ive chosen to stay out of the spot light resulting in avoiding social outings....parties etc...and to think that only 2 years ago I was mad for it...

As I mentioned id find it hard sitting down with them, as I know ill just feel awkward and not be able to say what I need to say face to face. Im not very close to the parents so that doesnt help...very rarely went to them for advice or help....

Overheal...mate....hehe...id need to write about 300 pages on my situation...its not easily summarised as problems have piled ontop of eachother...making it constantly hard to figure out the core problem....

Im a talented artist....and Ive a great personality....dont care if that sounds big headed but its something you just know....and it pisses me off no end when I find that these problems are restricting those 2 aspects about myself and not allowing them to fully blossom into what I know they can be...

example....

i hardly ever feel good about myself anymore and I try to make myself feel good by doing things like eating what I want...which is bad as it just puts on weight....or something simple like sit around the tv with my flatmates.....which cuts into my college work schedule...but in the back of my mind I dont care as its a temporary break from reality..a reality which I just completely hate at the moment... so you can see where the vicious circle comes from...

Im nearly on the edge of tears here typing this as no matter how hard I try....I can't break the loop that Im stuck in......

Overheal

Been there mate: last year I burned all my bridges with college mates. A couple weeks later I had a death in the family. Problems in my life just snowballed after that. Didnt want to talk to family because they would have had their own feelings to deal with; and I didnt hear any of them coming to me for support, yknow.

In the end I came here to PI anonymously. Got over it for the most part alone and came out of it great, all things considered. But I wouldn't have gotten out of it at all, I think, if I didn't vent it on open ears; lay out the groundwork.

Face to Face is certainly a tough thing. If you dont think youre up for it, then please tell us what the scoop is, here.

Nerin

if I didn't vent it on open ears

agree, its cliched,but it really is good to talk, and theres always boardsies here who want to help

Zee Deveel

Hi, Teddi, I really hope you can find some ways of coping with, and dealing with your life's problems somewhere in this thread. It's rarely easy reaching out for help, but just the fact that you are speaks volumes about your strength and willingness to get through the bad times, I think.

From there though, the options don't tend to look to appealing. It looks like you want to speak to your family, but at the same time don't want to, be it the burden you perceive yourself to be putting on them, or their reactions to what you say, or something else.

I think your best bet is to talk to them. Write or type out what you want to say, or what's going on. Write them a letter, you suggested it in the first post. It lets you say what you want to say already, no stumbling over words, or trying to remember everything, or worrying about your phrasing. Not to mention that you're less likely to crack into tears, or being stopped mid sentence or contradicted. Tell your parents, and sit them down, and give the letters to them, it saves trying to 'start the conversation' so to speak. (I had to do something similar a few years ago, and I just couldn't bring myself to say so much, so had to resort to the letter thing).

As well as that, I would recommend letter writing, or keeping a journal as a method of actually dealing with life. Getting it all out of your head, and unravelling those threads in there, all the worries, sort everything out onto a black and white page can be quite therapeutic, and I probably owe my sanity to it.

Or, even, I don't know what type of art you're strongest at, but that is another way to get these things out of your head, express yourself, and even if it makes sense only to you, just do it. And don't worry about sounding 'big headed' or any of that. You have talents, you have positive attributes and the fact that you can recognise and accept those facts is a very positive thing in itself, though you say in your first post you've no confidence, no self esteem. I dont know about confidence, but you have some esteem of yourself, even if you don't recognise it entirely.

As for your situation itself, I'm not sure what you want. Do you want to talk to your parents because they can help find you appropriate help, or help themselves? Or just for the sake of having somebody to talk to? Or is part of the problem to do with them, and you are hoping that talking to them will help resolve it?

As for the vicious circles you are getting yourself trapped in.. Look, you've acknowledged them, you know they're there, you know they are part of the problem itself... so DO something. If you want to eat when you know you shouldn't, try at least replace the junk food with fruit, or a sandwich or yogurt, or instead of sit down and watch the television, go out for a walk, or, if you play an instrument, try that. Little by little, if you replace the negative habits in your life with positive ones, you'll be amazed at the difference it can make.

Sheesh, that was a long post. I hope you manage to find even a small nugget of something you can work with in there. Take care, Teddi, stay positive

dr.bollocko

I dont know if opening up to your family is necessarily a good idea. Firstly, they may have a part to play in why you are in this state in the first place. Secondly, they might not know how to help you and that could be potentially devestating. Thirdly, they are not mental health professionals. If things are getting too tough for you, try and move your schedule around to accommodate everything. If you can't do that, and it really is too much, let one exam go and pass it in the summer.
You do need someone to unload this on. A real person there who can help you to unburden yourself. If you know that person already instinctively that is great, if not, it may be time for a psychiatrist, or a university councillor.

Teddi

Thanks for the replies guys...


Zee, you hit on some great points there...alot of which I thought of myself and its nice to be confirmed from someone else

I think the letter is the best way to go, as you said it prevents me from stumbling my words etc and being able to get everything that I can out in one fell swoop.

dr.bollocko: I had contemplated on not telling the parents but I think they deserve to know how Im feeling as im sick of saying "yea..Im grand" when they ask me...I feel like Im lying, Even though its to protect myself.

whatsgoinon

Teddi, I think you have made the first step by posting your problems here. And from peoples replies I think you may be feeling like there is a way out of your black hole. Talk to somebody, anybody, my bro was in awful depression last year over college work, friends, stuff at home, that he had no control over anyway, he went to the uni counsellor and is now a totally different person. He told my parents he was going to a counsellor and they were worried sick about him because they didn't know what was going on with him and he just couldn't tell them. I thought it was just my family that had problems with communication but it seems to be widespread. I had a very difficult 2007, and it wasn't my family that got me through it, it was my friends. Like you I didn't want to burden y family with my problems when they had their own stuff going on.

Go to a counsellor, or call the samaritans, they are all there for a reason.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, take it a day at a time, I hope you can start being yourself and feeling better soon, but it will take time.

thund

Zee Deveel wrote: »

Hi, Teddi, I really hope you can find some ways of coping with, and dealing with your life's problems somewhere in this thread. It's rarely easy reaching out for help, but just the fact that you are speaks volumes about your strength and willingness to get through the bad times, I think.

From there though, the options don't tend to look to appealing. It looks like you want to speak to your family, but at the same time don't want to, be it the burden you perceive yourself to be putting on them, or their reactions to what you say, or something else.

I think your best bet is to talk to them. Write or type out what you want to say, or what's going on. Write them a letter, you suggested it in the first post. It lets you say what you want to say already, no stumbling over words, or trying to remember everything, or worrying about your phrasing. Not to mention that you're less likely to crack into tears, or being stopped mid sentence or contradicted. Tell your parents, and sit them down, and give the letters to them, it saves trying to 'start the conversation' so to speak. (I had to do something similar a few years ago, and I just couldn't bring myself to say so much, so had to resort to the letter thing).

As well as that, I would recommend letter writing, or keeping a journal as a method of actually dealing with life. Getting it all out of your head, and unravelling those threads in there, all the worries, sort everything out onto a black and white page can be quite therapeutic, and I probably owe my sanity to it.

Or, even, I don't know what type of art you're strongest at, but that is another way to get these things out of your head, express yourself, and even if it makes sense only to you, just do it. And don't worry about sounding 'big headed' or any of that. You have talents, you have positive attributes and the fact that you can recognise and accept those facts is a very positive thing in itself, though you say in your first post you've no confidence, no self esteem. I dont know about confidence, but you have some esteem of yourself, even if you don't recognise it entirely.

As for your situation itself, I'm not sure what you want. Do you want to talk to your parents because they can help find you appropriate help, or help themselves? Or just for the sake of having somebody to talk to? Or is part of the problem to do with them, and you are hoping that talking to them will help resolve it?

As for the vicious circles you are getting yourself trapped in.. Look, you've acknowledged them, you know they're there, you know they are part of the problem itself... so DO something. If you want to eat when you know you shouldn't, try at least replace the junk food with fruit, or a sandwich or yogurt, or instead of sit down and watch the television, go out for a walk, or, if you play an instrument, try that. Little by little, if you replace the negative habits in your life with positive ones, you'll be amazed at the difference it can make.

Sheesh, that was a long post. I hope you manage to find even a small nugget of something you can work with in there. Take care, Teddi, stay positive

this is a great post well said.speaking from personal experience [brother]he botteled everything up just could nt talk to anyone until the day came that changed my familys life forever.we could nt see anything wrong until he got up one morning talking total rubbish .at first my parents thought he had taken drugs amd the arugements started but as the day went on we said something not right here and called the doctor who in turn told us to commit him.i had to sign the commitment forms as my parents couldnt bring them selfs to do it and it was one of the hardest things i ever had to do.anyway to cut a long story short the doctor told us this was building inside for so long that something inside his brain finally snaped/if he could have sat down and talked we would lisened and helped but unfortunally to this day he is on tablets to keep him calm and he sometimes goes into hospital if he gets to much to handle.proberly on the plus side it didnt get to a stage where my parents found him dead but even though his life is no longer his only controled by drugs they still have him. i thing you have achived a lot to acknowledge there is something wrong you need to take that next step and i wish you all the best.good luck

JuliusCaesar

dr.bollocko wrote: »

I dont know if opening up to your family is necessarily a good idea. Firstly, they may have a part to play in why you are in this state in the first place. Secondly, they might not know how to help you and that could be potentially devestating. Thirdly, they are not mental health professionals.

But, speaking as a parent, they *may* suspect that something is up, and be quite hurt that you excluded them. Anyway, it IS good to start being more open with people - it always halps to be yourself, and not show the world a facade.

Good for you to make a start by posting here.

estar

what do you think their reaction will be?

also i recommend sitting down with them and talking through things
if you send the letter or leave the letter it may really worry them
as they might thing you have left them for good.......

i think its great you can admit you are finding it difficult to cope
its still early in the academic year you can still turn things around
with some help. and if not you arent the first person to take some
time out and repeat a year.

whats most important is your well being.

every college has a welfare centre. head in there and
talk to your doctor and start from there. ask about
the support available. with a good councillor to meet once a week
you could start breaking down the elephant into edible chunks.

much as its good to enlist the support of your family its
also good to know you can start the ball rolling yourself

kins1979

Hi, I'm in the same situation as you. Feeling lost, disconnected and depressed but I don't have any hope. This is my first time on boards and I am desperate. Right now my housemate is doing all she can to make sure I can't sleep. College is suffering, love life, general mental health, if you find a cure send it to me

Zee Deveel

Teddi wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys...


Zee, you hit on some great points there...alot of which I thought of myself and its nice to be confirmed from someone else

I think the letter is the best way to go, as you said it prevents me from stumbling my words etc and being able to get everything that I can out in one fell swoop.

dr.bollocko: I had contemplated on not telling the parents but I think they deserve to know how Im feeling as im sick of saying "yea..Im grand" when they ask me...I feel like Im lying, Even though its to protect myself.

Glad I could be of some help. Don't forget the positive, don't ever forget the positive bits of you, and life in general. If you do decide to go for the letter option, be sure and post here again and let us know how it went.

Was going to post some more there, but am on my way out the door. Will try get back to this later tonight, but take care, and best of luck with things

WhiteWashMan

im sure the universities have seenthis plenty of times and have people who can help.
id suggest starting with your tutor and taking it from there.

tell them youre having difficulty coping, and he may point you in the right direction for help. as mentioned, youre SU will have a welfare officer whos role is to help people in exactly this situation.

I suspect there is probably one or two things that are not sitting right with you at the moment. when you start to stres out about these things, then everything becomes a blocker, and suddenly you cant seem to cope with anything out of the ordinary. even dropping your keys trying to open a door seems like some sort of conspiracy to piss you off!

but dont worry, a simple chat to your WO and tutor, and I suspect that problems will start to disappear. first off, the chat will be of enormous help. it will help you analyse your own feelings and thoughts, and get them straight in your own head. half the time you cant do anything, becuase you dont know what the problem is.
secondly, these people will be able to offer you solutions to the real problems. once you start working on those, things like dropping your keys wont matter. all the small things wont effect you in the same way. and its the small things that fill your head up with nonsense and confusion.

you sound like its just a really bad case of stress tbh. thats not me belittling your situation. ive been there, and it sounds exactly like the picture you paint. its not nice.
but do something about it, and you will start to look at things differently.
have those chats as soon as you can.

Intothesea

Hello there

I agree that this sounds as though long
-term stress has morphed into insidious
depression, and that the specific reason for
it is lost somewhere in the confusion. Is it
possible that a couple of hard knocks dented
your self-worth and 'attracted' more trouble
into your life or impaired your ability to cope
with other problems, creating a cycle?

Hope and peace-of-mind tend to slip through
the space between expectation and delayed
realisation, this is one of the reasons talented
people tend to have higher rates of depression.

My advice is to break up your desires and aims
into small, manageable, daily goals. Talk to your
parents if you think they could understand the
types of feelings you're having: an unempathetic
ear is worse than none at all. Aside from that,
look to your health: good sleeping patterns,
eating habits and regular exercise are all intrinsic to
recovery. Talking to a counselor and unburdening
yourself of all this negative baggage is the
quickest, surest route out of this wood.

Best of luck to you.

Teddi

intothesea: your first paragraph hit me like a train....it was very well summarised, thanks for that really relate to that..


Sorry I forgot to mention that I have been seeing the college councillor for about 2 months now...She does help but the annoying part for me is that she tells me things I already know.....This that Im aware of but feel some barrier between me and the solution ....a barrier filled with self-doubt, lack of self worth....Thinking Im not as good as I know I should be..

I dont wallow in self-pity as that aspect annoys me in other people and I'm an extremely observant person..combined with my severe over thinking isnt a good combination and it creates high volumes of paranoia , making me think things like that person doesnt like me for some reason, and when I think that about somone, I avoid socialising with them thinking that they'd rather me not talk to them...

This can result in a certain level of alienation between me and classmates, I know that if i regenerated my confidence Id make more of an effort to get to know them before I make judgement of them...A judgement that 50% of the time I believe are False due to me over-analysing the situation (see?...even my type is too analytical..heh)

One thing that we chatted about in our last session was suicide...Ive thought about it many a time...Thought about just jumping out infront of a car....but alas, I dont have the balls.....One thing that relates so much to my situation is my relationship to my parents...

Have you ever heard of a family say..."Well we knew our child was suicidal, but he/she just went ahead with it anyway"........you dont...thats the thing..

Its always the case where by they respond with"We never saw it coming...he/she was so outgoing, funloving, always seemed so happy"

Its the fact that he/she didnt talk about it hence not worrying or notifying the parents of the true story

My story pertains to the latter...they wouldnt have seen it coming..That thought in itself is scary...something I couldnt bare to make them go through...

ahhh! just feel like screaming out on top of a mountain...heh....

Intothesea

Hello again

I think the communication problem with your parents
symbolises the wide gap that exists between your
true self and the 'happy' mask that you're wearing.
If the people who love you the most can really 'see'
you, and acknowledge your trouble, the pain of being
held hostage by your perfectionism will be lessened,
but for how long?

I think the issue here might be how you go about
deconstructing this mask, in light of the kinds of
things (events, personality traits and attitudes)
that seem to have produced it. If other people's
self-pity annoys you, forgiving yourself for
being unhappy is probably a weighty cross.

My thoughts are that your perfectionism
applies primarily to the areas of doing and
excelling, therefore the appearance of general
competence is bound to be important to you.

Anyway, these are some guesses. My advice
would be to seek a counselor who is more
theoretical in their approach, and less
practical. I do think talking to your
parents, to receive their sympathy,
support and understanding is a good
start for you, but the rest might
involve some slight attitude shifts
and greater acceptance of self.

Hope that helps.

Teddi

Your extremely articulate and knowledgable intothesea, good to hear my thoughts being reciprecated, thanks

about approaching my parents face to face, I dont think will work as I know myself too well and I know how I will react in that situation, a reaction too often subsiding to the level of awkwardness.

I think..If I explain at the start of the letter that Im only doing this to be able to communicate to you better ....and not to think this is some sort of Suicide note!

ahhh...Im sick of this lingering story....I see myself as someone different next year; that, I want to make happen, starting off by putting myself out of my comfort zone, resulting in annoying myself and giving me that additonal motivation to get things moving ...I need this..