should I break up with her?

LegacyUser

Right Im sure people are sick of reading posts like this but i really need some advice so here it goes.

I have been with my girlfriend for about 1 1/2 years now. When we met we were both head over heals about each outehr however, over the past few months I have not felt the same as I used to , im just no as mad about her as she is me. When she asks me to come around, i do at a push, I would rather sit in by my self or go down to firends. Its not just once or twice its every time she asks.

The problem is, she keeps telling me how much she loves me and that she is so happy. She keeps saying stuff like "I dont know what Id do if we were to break up" and "I would hate to be single again". Her saying these things just pushes me further back into my shell and I just coast along with the relationship just so I dont hurt her.

I know its a clichet but I really do care for this girl. She is one of the kindest, most generous and caring people i have ever met. To see her upset would literally tear me in two as believe it ir not I have a very large conscience. I keep worrying that if i did break up with her that she might not find someone else and maybe i should just stay with her.

I Would really appreciate advice on this, i am really tearing my hair out over it it and it is on my mind day in day out.

PS. this is my first relationship hence the cowardly tone!

Sherifu

Relationships take some work, perhaps you will change your mind and regret it after you break up...
If you're really sure it's not going to work then it's best to break it off now.
Otherwise you need to make more of an effort to see if you can get the spark back.
Only you can decide the right course to take, talk with her perhaps...

m83

just talk to her and tell her how you feel. i know u don't want to hurt her but the longer you carry on hiding your true feelings the more damage you're going to do to her. if you feel this way now then ye probably don't have a future together. and you have to look out for yourself too, you should be happy in your relationship which by the sounds of it your not.

so go on then, be a man and talk to her. it'll be hard because its only your first relationship but you have to do it. honesty is the only way.

Barlow07

m83 wrote: »

just talk to her and tell her how you feel. i know u don't want to hurt her but the longer you carry on hiding your true feelings the more damage you're going to do to her. if you feel this way now then ye probably don't have a future together. and you have to look out for yourself too, you should be happy in your relationship which by the sounds of it your not.

so go on then, be a man and talk to her. it'll be hard because its only your first relationship but you have to do it. honesty is the only way.

I agree, if your honest and tell her how you feel and that you would like some time alone, even suggest a break for a while and see how you feel after that.

Overheal

I've seen her situation before alright. Basically, wether she means to or not, she is setting herself up as a timebomb. "If we break up im going to explode!"

Who wants to hear that?

So its only natural that you're trying to find the blue wire

Its one thing to be in a relationship were you both rely on eachother to a degree, but its another altogether when one of you is going to fall to bits if you have to be apart for any length of time.

It sounds like you care wether this girl falls to pieces. If thats the case she needs to be trained to be as independent as she is dependent. I'd say that much for anyone: How can people rely on you if you cant rely on yourself? How can you feel right about relying on another person if they cant rely on you?

I'd talk to her about it personally. She might flip out thinking its the breakup talk, but she needs to figure out what she would do without you. Because even in the best relationships something can always go wrong... my Stepmom died last year. What do you think would have happened to my Father if he didnt know how to rely on himself? Fortunately for me: I didn't have to figure that one out.

Basically she is doing neither herself or you any favors by establishing you as the "Sun Moon and Stars" in her world. A slower pace and a little more distance could be whats needed here. Just tell her how you feel: I suspect somehow if you word it badly she will come back to you anyway. And even if she doesn't she'll learn how to be single. Neither of you has anything to lose, at the real heart of the issue.

LegacyUser

yeh it really is the only way. I suppose im just putting it on the long finger, i just hate being the bad one in this situation!

Ciara2008

Do you think maybe you just are so secure in your relationship with her that you no longer see her as something "special"

The most basic laws of attraction are that we always want what we can't have and you are so sure you can have her no longer value her like you used too.

Or maybe the spark is genuinely dead - maybe suggest taking a break for a month or so with no contact - there is a good chance you will miss her more than you realise - either way leaving things as they are now (though you feel you are thinking of her) will only serve to make things worse and u will begin to resent her maybe

Chinafoot

One thing that stood out for me in your post is that you didn't say anywhere that you love her too.

The fact that you'd rather be elsewhere than spend time with her speaks volumes. Yes, it's great that you feel bad about the whole thing and are loath to hurt her but you need to look at the bigger picture. What do you think will hurt her more? You ending it now before she gets even more attached or You continuing on, not really wanting to be with her at all and her finding out down the line - which she will, believe me, there's no way you'll be able to keep up the pretence of wanting to be with this girl.

As much as it sucks and as much as you don't want to be a bastard, this really is a case of cruel to be kind. If you continue on you'll hurt her far more than you will by letting her down gently now and going your separate ways. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't really that bothered? I know I wouldn't and I doubt she would either.

As for that "what if she doesn't find anyone else" stuff...that's just silly. You both sound quite young and I'm sure there'll be plenty more blokes out there that she will have a relationship with after you. Yeah she'll be hurt for a while but such is the nature of relationships ending. Staying with her in some misguided attempt to keep her from hurt will only result in even more hurt down the line.

The other posters have offered good advice about talking to her and maybe calming things down, but I have to be honest and say that the mere fact that you have posted this thread says to me that you really want out of this relationship.

Bite the bullet and tell her how you feel.

Rockstar*

Very Strange

I had to read this post twice, apart from some minor minor differences I actually thought this might have been a post I wrote some time ago or one night while I had a few on me!

This situation .... this is me.

I'm a guy , 25 years old. I know I am no longer in love with mt girlfriend of a year and a half but I do genuinely love yer to pieces. We have tried breaking up in the past 4 months but it went drastically wrong. Basically I think I went back into a relationship deep down I know is not going to work but now I feel completely trapped.

I will also try to take some advice from this thread because I would plan on telling her how I feel if i knew it wouldnt hurt her as much as it would. It's a digrace - I used to spend nights on here telling guys to have the balls to tell their girlfriends it was'nt working - I used to tell people I did it myself in the past (which I did) , but the circumstances around it are horrible - break ups are hard but they are 10 times harder when they are not mutual.

I honestly feel trapped , very unsure what to do and like the OP said I prefer to stay in or do something with friends these days while she prob complains about not spending enough time together....I think im subconciously waiting for us to have a fight big enough to end the whole thing.

I'm a coward , I know - and to be honest I would rather be pictured on on grafton street on the front of the independent newspaper with a sandwich board strapped over my shoulder saying "I am a coward" than tell this girl its over right now:(:o

milli

Like everyone has said if you care for her as much as you say, just talk to her. You could try giving each other space for a while to see where your head is at - and worst case scenario you feel the same after a week or whatever then end it. She may hate you initially if you break up but in the long run its better for both of you. As for her not finding someone else, given time she'll be ok.

AngryBadger

tbh it sounds like she know something is wrong and is applying some none-too-subtle pressure by constantly reminding you of how she feels and how devastated she would be if ye broke up.

Personally I'm of the opinion that when you have no interest in being around someone it's time to call it a day. At the very least you sahould suggest taking a break from each other.

Also, personally I'd be wary of someone constantly reminding me that they'd be in bits if I left them, smacks of emotional blackmail to me.

JCDUB

Jaysus been there alright.

Spent a longer time than you with a girl I didn't love, kept willing it to happen, even bought a house, thank God it's all over now and we are both better off.
Obviously it was hard when we broke up but I'm delighted now, best move we could have made for both of us, even if it did hurt at the time.
Pretty sure she feels the same way.

My advice: get out while you still can, the longer you leave it the harder it gets. You'll both be fine after a while, I reckon you're younger than me (from your first relationship comment) so you'll bounce back.

Best of luck.

whatsgoinon

I was with a lad for 7 months before I left to go travelling for a year, didn't break up before I left, big mistake. I really wish now that we had broken up and that we had stayed in touch sporadicaly and then seen how things went when I got back. I got back and it was a disaster, I was so used to pottering around doing my own thing, I couldn't handle the realtionship side of things at all, he was such a great guy and by not breaking up I ruined it.
We used to call each other all the time, and there were the rows down the fone, when I wasn't home after a night out, I would just carry on partying where ever I was. He used to get upset about that and when I think about it now, it must have driven him mad, because I was having a ball. If he rang when I was out with friends, I'd tell him I'd call him back cos I was out and then would arrive back from some spontaneous road trip 2 days later and call him. It wasn't nice of me I know.
Maybe its bad, but I really used to resent it at times when he was telling me how much he was missing me, when at the time even though I was mad about him, I wasn't missing him, maybe cos I knew he was at home waiting for me. I kissed a few boys but nothing more, but he wouldn't even look at another girl.
Considering I was away for longer that I knew him, I wonder if I hadn't gone travelling, would the realtionship have died out anyway or would we have set up home together. We used to talk about that, he even gave up the lease on where he was renting so that we could move in together when I got back, but I just wasn't happy when I did get back.
Basically what I want to say to you is, break up with your girlfriend, meet up before she goes for a chat and a bon voyage drink etc, then just see how it goes when she gets back.

good luck

LegacyUser

whatsgoinon wrote: »

Basically what I want to say to you is, break up with your girlfriend, meet up before she goes for a chat and a bon voyage drink etc, then just see how it goes when she gets back.

good luck

You're post seems a little off topic... ?? Where/when did the OP say his GF was going away!? (Maybe Im missing something here - apologies if so...)

OP, its not a nice situation.... Ive been there and its horrible but it has to be done- the break off that is... Its not helping anybody, ur not happy and she won't be if/when she finds out... Be a man, step up and take the hit....

Good luck.

thund

relationships are like everything we do in life. in that i mean eat sleep drink and work. this may sound wierd forgive me if it does but we dont eat the same thing everyday.we dont drink the same drink be it milk water beer ect and most dont sleep the same way ie u fall asleep on your back u wake up on your side:) so what i am trying to say is everything needs change.your in a relationship thats stuck in a rut.go away for weekends ,meals. if you sit in at nite go to the cinema or have a romantic nite in. change the routien that your relationship is in /set days or nites that u will spend with your friends which is important also.you also have to talk to each other tell her your feeling smothered by her and shes making you feel traped but that you love her but also have your life also.if that dont work go for plan b.

whatsgoinon

doitsoon wrote: »

You're post seems a little off topic... ?? Where/when did the OP say his GF was going away!? (Maybe Im missing something here - apologies if so...)

my bad, wrong thread sorry

RAFC

OP bite the bullet and say goodbye - the longer you leave it the harder it will get. Stayed in a relationship longer than I should have (a long time ago) and did more damage than good.

If you care for her like you say you do, let her go. She will be upset, but in the long run it will be better for you both if you are honest, just don't do the 'It's not you, it's me' routine - that's very condescending. Good luck

Einstein

Just wondering what age the OP is?

And try not beating yourself up about being the bad one. People break up every day of the week all aound the world. It's life. It sucks, but it's the way the world goes, and if you're sure about how you feel, don't prolong it. It's not fair on either of you.

Is there anything happening in your own life that might be making you feel like this? Stress? worK? etc?

Mr. Incognito

Ah- sure- keep it going for a few years- you don't want to upset her. And then, get married! Keep her happy you know. And what about kids- That'll keep the grandparents happy so we'll have to do that. and- she wants some nice things- get a second job, don't want to upset her now.

You see where this is going?

Grow a pair.

adsgirl

There is a huge difference between loving someone in a relationship and caring for someone,if you no longer love her, be honest tell her the truth, tough as it will be.
Life is too short to stay with someone you no longer love.

pookie82

AngryBadger wrote: »

tbh it sounds like she know something is wrong and is applying some none-too-subtle pressure by constantly reminding you of how she feels and how devastated she would be if ye broke up.

Personally I'm of the opinion that when you have no interest in being around someone it's time to call it a day. At the very least you sahould suggest taking a break from each other.

Also, personally I'd be wary of someone constantly reminding me that they'd be in bits if I left them, smacks of emotional blackmail to me.

Totally agree. First thing that popped into my head is that this girl has cottoned on to your waning interest and is oh so subtly reminding you that breaking up is not an option. Or else she's just incredibly needy in general. It's one thing to express your happiness in a relationship, it's quite another to tell your partner you'd die if you ever broke up. Bit heavy.

You need to tell her the truth. Unless you genuinely feel that this is just a phase (and people do have them) of losing spark/interest, then you're only prolonging the inevitable by staying with her and it isn't fair on either of you. Just think how much you'll resent her if you have to keep this charade up.