How do you 'phase out' a friend?

LegacyUser

I know logistically all it takes is to stop answering texts and calls etc, and make excuses not to see them, and sooner or later they'll get the message, but what i'm finding it hard to do is to stop myself from caring, or wanting to try make things better.
I'm been hurt, let down and felt used by a friend i've been there for unconditionally when he was going through any tough time, and now when i'm going through an extremely rough patch myself, he can't be there for me. So I feel that i need to move on, and the only way to do this is a clean break, because i can't deal with the added stress of this situation any longer.
Any advice would be much appreciated.

Balmed Out

If this is someone who you care for as a friend then i hope u dont try to phase them out. Are u sure they realise the situation your in? Have u asked for their help?
What did he do thats left you hurt, let down and feeling used?
If he means anything to you at all you need to talk to him and get his side of the story. if hes still selfish then your anger will help u forget him.
Oh yea when you say cant be there do you mean wont or am I missing something?

Mighty_Mouse

I'm been hurt, let down and felt used by a friend i've been there for unconditionally when he was going through any tough time, and now when i'm going through an extremely rough patch myself, he can't be there for me

What did you do to "be there" for him that he's not doing for you right now?

Preclaimer - I ain't saying guys are still in the monkey age .................
But
Be careful though cos some blokes just don't have the emotional skills to "go deep".
Hence the pints & sports approach to a buddy who's going through a rough patch.

Depending on the people there can be significant differences between a girl-girl relationship & a girl - boy relationship.

Finally, sounds like there's a whole lot more to this story .ie.
has there been "lovin" between ye in the past?
Was this a physical relationship previously? Unrequited love etc etc?

LegacyUser

Hi Balmed O ut, thanks for your reply.
Yeah when I say 'can't' I mean 'won't' be there for me. The story is a little too long winded to go into here but I just feel constantly let down, so I think that the pain of a clean break will be easier to deal with then the feeling of being let down. He is aware of my situation and while he has been there for me in the past it's gone from 'i'll never stop caring' to 'go f*** yourself' in a matter of weeks. I have been trying to get him to talk to me face to face for a couple of weeks now, it's 3 weeks since we've seen eachother, and he refuses. I really think this would help as you simply cannot have discussions like this over text or online. I've been the one to make contact each time in the last few weeks, and have apologised and apologised for being hard to deal with at the moment (i am suffering from post natal depression and am on anti depressants) and i even agreed to see a counsellor which he is pushing me to do. So basically i understand that i may take things a little to heart sometimes and have problems with things that would just wash over some people, but thats all part of my condition which i am very aware on and am working on. It's as though even though he seems to understand this, he can't make allowances for it, and let it wash over him, and i've had to put up with him tearing the person i am apart time and time again, when i really can't deal with that on top of everything. I'm not a bad person, and I am a good friend and I have invested a hell of a lot into this friendship, very foolishly, I realise now. He means so much to me and my husband that we chose him to be our baby son's godfather, something I'm also starting to think was foolish.

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

What did you do to "be there" for him that he's not doing for you right now?

Preclaimer - I ain't saying guys are still in the monkey age .................
But
Be careful though cos some blokes just don't have the emotional skills to "go deep".
Hence the pints & sports approach to a buddy who's going through a rough patch.

Depending on the people there can be significant differences between a girl-girl relationship & a girl - boy relationship.

Finally, sounds like there's a whole lot more to this story .ie.
has there been "lovin" between ye in the past?
Was this a physical relationship previously? Unrequited love etc etc?

Thanks Mighty Mouse,
No there was nothing of the sort between us, I'm married, and he's friends with myself and my husband. We just seemed to understand eachother and genuinely care for eachother. Definitly no other feelings.
He had problems with a group of friends who he cut off from, (looks like history is repeating itself) and we included him in our plans EVERY single weekend since then, unconditionally, which was over a year ago. We're late twenties so also included him in any parties etc within me and my husband's large group of friends. He's found his feet now with friends, buying a home, doesn't ever ask us out anywhere, and all of a sudden the attitude is its him doing us a favour by calling up etc, i could go on, but that's not the main issue. The main issue is him not wanting to be patient and understanding and making allowances for what i'm going through, however hard i am to be friends with. This is what i mean when i say i feel used.

daiixi

To be honest it doesn't sound like you have to phase him out at all, he seems to be cutting you out.

jesus_thats_gre

Out of curiosity, do you see this guy as potentially being more than just a friend, i.e. do you have feelings for him?

LegacyUser

jesus_thats_gre wrote: »

Out of curiosity, do you see this guy as potentially being more than just a friend, i.e. do you have feelings for him?

No, not at all, I mentioned previously I'm married, and even if I wasn't it'd be still a no.

And Dalixi, i do realise that but its more that I need to phase him out in my head, if you know what i mean.

Overheal

Stop contacting him for a start. If they want to cut you out you have to cut them out.

I know that may seem hard to do, especially because at the moment you are looking to him for support. The best thing for you is to try and find someone else to talk to: make him redundant.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

The best thing for you is to try and find someone else to talk to: make him redundant.

That's probably the best advice so far. Thank you Overheal, I feel quite a bit more positive

the_syco

UnregGirl wrote: »

He had problems with a group of friends who he cut off from, (looks like history is repeating itself)

Indeed. Cut all ties with him, and leave him burn the bridges himself.

WhiteWashMan

get some new friends and make them a priority.

or in fact, just make yourself so busy, that you dont havce time to see this person. I mean, you cant live all your life looking after other people. Be selfish. look after yourself!

Esel

UnregGirl wrote: »

... i've had to put up with him tearing the person i am apart time and time again, when i really can't deal with that on top of everything.

Don't get in touch with him again, at least until you are feeling better.

Have you discussed all this with your husband btw? The fact that he is godfather to your child is beside the point, I think.

LegacyUser

esel wrote: »

Don't get in touch with him again, at least until you are feeling better.

Have you discussed all this with your husband btw? The fact that he is godfather to your child is beside the point, I think.

I have dicussed it with my husband, he's pretty cut up about the way things have turned out. He is also fed up of seeing me upset by this and thinks we both should just cut off contact since our friend doesn't want to work things out anymore.

Leila4

I've been in a similar situation and tbh it sounds like this friend isn't worth it. It sounds like instead of helping the situation, he is making it worse and you dont need that right now. The sooner you realise that he is not acting like a real friend, the sooner you will be able to let go.

*Page*

I've been there too,

I was always the friend to fall on when you were down out of a group of four,

Things in my life changed and i soon seen the true colours of two of them

I just took a deep breath everytime i thought of them and refocused my thoughts on what was needed.

Its hard... realy hard when you have such history. but focus on your baby and your hubby. pnd is the worsed (thats when i found out who was who too...)

You will be better off without them in the future (godfather was one of these ppl in my life who i dropped too)

AngryBadger

I think you've summed it up pretty well yourself OP. If, as you say, he's let you down and so on, well then a clean break is best, and you jsut need to ebar in mind that he's the one in the wrong here.

paul_ire57

Hi Op, i think the main thing you have pointed out is that you have discussed this with your husband and you are both upset that this 'friend' has been behaving in this fashion.

A friend like that isnt a friend at all

A proper friend would have identified that you are having personal issues and would be there to support you without you having to say or do anything.

Best thing is to let time take its course, dont make any further attempts at contact, and pretty soon you wont remember who this person was.

Id also speak to someone else maybe about being godfather to take that out of the equation aswell. If the guy doesnt want to be involved in your family then cut him out completely

LegacyUser

paul_ire57 wrote: »

Hi Op, i think the main thing you have pointed out is that you have discussed this with your husband and you are both upset that this 'friend' has been behaving in this fashion.

A friend like that isnt a friend at all

A proper friend would have identified that you are having personal issues and would be there to support you without you having to say or do anything.

Best thing is to let time take its course, dont make any further attempts at contact, and pretty soon you wont remember who this person was.

Id also speak to someone else maybe about being godfather to take that out of the equation aswell. If the guy doesnt want to be involved in your family then cut him out completely

Everything said by everyone is very good advice. It's extremely difficult to do though but I just have to do my best I guess. I just can't understand why he can't make allowances for what i'm going through. I mean, any problems we have are magnified ten fold for me because of what i'm going through. He doesn't seem to realise exactly how much of an impact this is having on me.

He was there for me up to recently, and now he doesn't want to know me. And the fact that he refuses to address this face to face lets him get away with treating me as though i'm not an actual person, with feelings, if that makes sense.

I've never been treated like this before, ever. I've never even been dumped by a boyfriend, so i suppose that's why I'm finding it so hard to deal with the rejection.

LegacyUser

I'm just feeling so low tonight, i'm actually in tears writing this, so i decided to put my thoughts down here and hopefully i'll be able to sleep afterwards.

I foolishly tried to sort things out again today. I hate having this weighing me down, and i just wanted to try just chatting to him, to see if i could find even a glimmer of the friend i used to know. Obviously, i just got replies that were as cold and abrupt as ever which left me feeling so sad. I started telling my husband about it tonight and got so upset that i suffered an extremely frightening panic attack.

Basically my friend is saying he's hurt too since we've been arguing quite a bit, i've been taking things to heart too much and been over sensitive, all part and parcel of the post natal depression, which i'm working on. I'm also feeling that hurt, but on top of that i've the lonliness of being on maternity leave, and the anxiety and depression to deal with too. But it's his treatment of me that is tipping me over the edge, and i'm really afraid of what may happen if it continues. He told me the other day that he's 'finding it very hard to be my friend', he's 'tired of talking things out with me, that its very draining for him', and 'all he wants is to have a laugh'. I don't even know what to make of this.

I am in the process of finding a counsellor, so that should help me, but in the meantime i'm doing everything in my power not to reach for a bottle of pills to end it all and finally find peace.

Esel

Concentrate on loving yourself, your child, and your husband. You should not be putting yourself under any more stress over this issue. He is not there for you, so you cannot get anything positive from him at the moment.

You might like to consider talking to someone at The Samaritans ( 1850 609090 ) while you are waiting for your appointment with your counsellor.

Also, you should consider registering on Boards (you don't have to continue using the user name you pick into the future) as then your posts would appear on the thread instantly. When you post unregistered as at present, the post has to be vetted by a moderator before it appears on the thread, and this can take a number of hours.

I was online all night til 7:30 a.m., but I just saw your last post now. You would have received some supportive replies soon after your post if it wasn't for the vetting delay.

I am sure you have enough sense to keep some perspective in this very difficult time. Please think of all you have to look forward to when your depression lifts (and it will). Try to keep your mind occupied - a novel might help, although I know that it might be difficult to concentrate at the moment.

Please think about the Samaritans - they will listen and understand. Talking to a supportive stranger could be very helpful just now.

Keep posting here too!

UnregGirl

Thanks so much for the advice Esel, I've managed to register using the same name to avoid confusion for the moment, and i can delete it later.

Esel

Great! Hope you got some sleep last night. I didn't, and am going to bring the dog for a walk now, then crash.

Unbreakable

Sorry to hear how bad things have gotten OP. You do not need people in your life that make you feel this bad. This guy sounds very selfish to be honest, and is simply not worth the time of day. If he keeps cutting himself off from friends he's going to end up very lonely indeed. You say you've a big group of friends. Start organising and planning some good times with them and you'll realise you dont miss this 'friend' anymore.

adsgirl

Listen to your Husbands advice, cut the guy out altogether, who needs a friend like that anyway:mad:

ahoney

Unreggirl glad to hear that you are looking for counselling support which will help now and in the long term. The thing to also consider is regaining the control of this situation. I know he and his friendship meant alot to you and your husband but how long are you going to allow him to treat you in this cruel off hand unsupportive way. Think of what you might say to a family member if they were in this situation, what would you advise them to do and consider taking ur own advice. Im not sure if this is your first child but if it is ur life has changed, ur dealing with post natal depression, and the tasks of caring for a baby, surround urself with people who are there 100% for u, ur husband and baby. think of those who u love care for and they for u unreservedly, you have both been the best of friends to this man, some friendships last a while and some a lifetime but they all teach us, take ur lessons from this, and rather than thinking of it as being dumped, ignored by him in a negative way think of it as freeing ur self in a positive way from the negative stuff u feel because of the stress caused by this situation. best of luck

UnregGirl

Such good advice, I wish I would start taking it and let myself move on. This is my first child btw, and it was a very tough pregnancy followed by a c section followed by more surgery (and i may be facing more next month) all of which i think contributed to the post natal depression. I don't know why i'm letting this situation with my friend get to me so much but I decided to keep posting to clear my head and see if I can finally see sense.

Firstly my friend has read this thread and is pretty pissed off at me about it. I don't think that's very fair as I'm obviously very upset about things and am simply looking for advice and help with dealing with MY feelings on the matter. Its not like I came on here bad mouthing the guy or calling him names. So i'm not letting the fact that he'll end up reading this, and probably get annoyed with me again, deter me, as I need all the support i can get right now. And at this stage, what have i got to lose?

He told me today that he's putting his feelings first, and that he'll see me in time. Basically he's hurt because i told him i felt like i was being used. That was 3 weeks ago and this has been going on ever since. I've apologised for that but he can't forget it. I've even managed to forget him calling me 'mental' and telling me that me feeling suicidal was 'psychotic', but yet he can't do the same. Instead i'm supposed to just wait until he feels like seeing me, and in the meantime he wont let me bring the subject up.

I'm so annoyed with myself for putting up with this to be honest. I'm usually a very strong person and wouldn't take this sort of crap from anyone, but i'm just quite vulnerable at the moment and thats why its hitting me hard. I may have felt used and let down by certain actions of his 3 weeks ago but thats nothing compared to what i feel now.

I was out tonight with my husband and some family and i had such a good time even though this situation was at the back of my mind. I realised that the anxiety and post natal depression isnt really affecting me so much, had this been a month ago i would have dreaded the idea of going out but tonight didnt phase me at all. So i really believe the anti depressants are working. And i start counselling on monday so i will start to work out a better way of thinking, which should avoid so many rows and problems in the future. So basically the only thing really bothering me right now is this situation. And for the solution to that to be in the hands of someone who is supposed to be my best friend, and for him to not want to let that go and get on with our friendship and let us get back to supporting one another, well i just cant describe how frustrated and sad that makes me feel.

Apologies for the long post. Thanks for reading.

UnregGirl

Was doing well forgetting this situation up until the past day or so, so if anyone has any more words that'd help, they'd be much appreciated, as i could really do with them.

OK-Cancel-Apply

UnregGirl wrote: »

I know logistically all it takes is to stop answering texts and calls etc, and make excuses not to see them, and sooner or later they'll get the message, but what i'm finding it hard to do is to stop myself from caring, or wanting to try make things better.
I'm been hurt, let down and felt used by a friend i've been there for unconditionally when he was going through any tough time, and now when i'm going through an extremely rough patch myself, he can't be there for me. So I feel that i need to move on, and the only way to do this is a clean break, because i can't deal with the added stress of this situation any longer.
Any advice would be much appreciated.

Why not just say all of this directly to him? What have you got to lose?

UnregGirl

OK-Cancel-Apply wrote: »

Why not just say all of this directly to him? What have you got to lose?

I did all that, as I said in previous posts it's not worth it anymore and I just want to move on

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I too suffered from PND on my first baby and it was without doubt the hardest time of my life. Thankfully with the help of counselling etc I'm back to 'normal' and I have never looked back. However I cannot emphasise that you DO NOT NEED any extra stress in your life at this time. 'Friends' shouldn't make you feel this bad, no matter what the circumstances.

You will not move forward and allow yourself to heal until you let this friendship go because at the moment it sounds like it is holding you back from feeling good again.

Faith

Hi UnregGirl,

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of it recently. It all sounds like it's completely out of your control, which makes it worse. But allow me to play devil's advocate for a minute.

UnregGirl wrote: »

Basically my friend is saying he's hurt too since we've been arguing quite a bit, i've been taking things to heart too much and been over sensitive, all part and parcel of the post natal depression, which i'm working on. I'm also feeling that hurt, but on top of that i've the lonliness of being on maternity leave, and the anxiety and depression to deal with too. But it's his treatment of me that is tipping me over the edge, and i'm really afraid of what may happen if it continues. He told me the other day that he's 'finding it very hard to be my friend', he's 'tired of talking things out with me, that its very draining for him', and 'all he wants is to have a laugh'. I don't even know what to make of this.
.

As I'm sure you know, being there for someone can be very tough and demanding. Not everyone is strong enough for it. I imagine that you were very down every time you chatted to you friend. You probably wanted his support every time you called, and this can be incredibly draining for someone. I have a friend who was always in a bad mood whenever I saw her, always moaned to me about everthing, was never positive or cheerful and seemed to see me as her personal counsellor. We weren't that close, and she wasn't depressed (just self-indulgent), so it was too much for me. I had to pull back from her until she stopped complaining to me all the time. It completely brought me down and tended to ruin my day.

I know you have PND, so it's out of your control that you're feeling so down, but it could be just too much for your friend. I obviously don't know the background, but did you maybe have him pegged as your "go-to" person, the person you called whenever you weren't feeling great? You could have unintentionally been bringing him down too. You need to talk to people, of course, but it might be an idea to have a group of several people you can call on, rather than just 1. That eases the burden for everyone, and you will still have the relief of talking. He could be just trying to pull away to encourage you to speak to others, and give himself a break from your problems (not meaning to sound harsh there).

In time, he might be ready to be friends again. Until then, I think you should completely avoid contacting him.

Of course, I might be completely wrong and he could just be a gobshíte!

I hope you feel better soon.

UnregGirl

To be honest Faith, a lot of what you wrote is probably right. Maybe he was my 'go to' friend. But in fairness, i was his too. He hasn't had the most carefree life either. We were both there for each other. And like i said earlier,

UnregGirl wrote: »

He had problems with a group of friends who he cut off from, and we included him in our plans EVERY single weekend since then, unconditionally, which was over a year ago. We're late twenties so also included him in any parties etc within me and my husband's large group of friends..

Also I wasn't always down in the dumps with him. Symptoms of my PND are more of the anxiety/panic type, when i sometimes physically shake with the stress of such a demanding baby. It isn't so much the feeling sad or low type of depression. My husband actually remarked last night how much of a rollercoaster of emotions we are both going through every day. For example one minute my husband, son and I were laughing and messing on the couch, and then 5 minutes later we're both tearing our hair out as my son threw a tantrum which lasted for 3 hours.

All the times he called over were really good fun. I'd cook and we'd just chat away and watch movies. I've no problem with having a laugh. It's a great distraction if nothing else.

Faith

In that case, I imagine you're just a much stronger person than he is. You shouldered the burden of his problems, while he can't manage yours. It's unfortunate, but there's not much either of you can do. He's not deliberately trying to hurt you, I imagine, and nor is he deliberately ignoring your problems. I'd say he simply doesn't know what to do. It's a character flaw of his, one of his weaknesses. He's dealing with it by pulling away from you. I'd say he's quite confused about why he's doing it too. It's most like a more or less unconscious reaction. It's his problem, not yours.

Give him time, is my advice. Don't take it personally. Let him have a break from you, and don't compound his feelings by trying to talk to him about it. Just try to look at it objectively. The more you interfere, the more he'll pull away. Give him a chance to get his head in order. If, in a few weeks, he's still ignoring you, pull the plug on the friendship. Unfortunately, he'll have probed he's not a real friend. Hopefully though, he'll deal with his issues and you can go back to being friends.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to also say maybe think about joining a Mother and Baby group if you haven't already. Talking to other mums in similar situations really helped when I was finding things tough.

JuliusCaesar

UnregGirl wrote: »

my friend has read this thread

In that case he should knoe how you're feeling & what other people think of the situation.

Can I ask if you showed it to him?

UnregGirl

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

In that case he should knoe how you're feeling & what other people think of the situation.

Can I ask if you showed it to him?

No, I didn't show it to him. He saw it of his own accord. He made 3 smart comments about it the last 3 times we were in contact, some of which were very angry. Even though I tried to explain that this was to help ME get over the situation, and not to give out about him.

ahoney

UnregGirl, hope things are going well for you ur hubby and baby
Ahoney

UnregGirl

ahoney wrote: »

UnregGirl, hope things are going well for you ur hubby and baby
Ahoney

Thank you very much

Things have definitly improved, I started counselling and have gained a different perspective on things. I feel more in control of what I feel and how much I allow the little things, or other people, to affect me now, which is great. I've also put a few things into practice, first of all a set sleep routine for my baby, which takes so much stress and pressure off us all, and allows me some space and time to myself during the day, to read, or do some relaxation techniques, which also enable me to sleep better. So all is positive on that front.

However I've received some news I was dreading regarding more surgery I've to go through, with a long, lonely recovery period, so I must admit I'm a little nervous of slipping back to how I was feeling before, but I am keeping extremely positive and doing all I can in preparation, to make it as easy as possible on us all.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful post.

ahoney

Hiya, was delighted to hear things are going better, u sound like ur putting in plenty of systems to support and help you both as well as structure. And no mention of ur friend which i felt when i read it was significant. I know it can be scary re operations but ur best weapon is now u know what to expect and how prepared u have to be before and esp after. the very best of luck with it when it comes up, give urself lots of time to recover
Take good care
ahoney

LegacyUser

ahoney wrote: »

And no mention of ur friend which i felt when i read it was significant.

Absolutely! That really is great news, it certainly sounds like you're through the worst of it.

UnregGirl

Thank you both
Yeah i must admit it's a load off.. I think I only let that whole 'friend' thing get to me so much because I was feeling so vulnerable at the time, so much so that it's actually quite hard to read back over my earlier posts here.

Anyway I've lots of new things in my life to focus on, and 'out of sight, out of mind' etc as far as he is concerned..

ahoney

thats really good to hear unRegGirl, delighted for u, ur hubby and baby take good care