Judge Me!!!

reality

I had never peddled so hard. 1997, but it seems like only hours ago.
I had never peddled so hard. The stifling heat made my haste seem all the more important - and yet pointless at the same time.I looked down into the basket on the front of my bike. There it was, ebbing away. I had wrapped it in newspaper, but the spreading wetness told me that it was fading quickly.

I thought of Mam and David at home, waiting for me - no, waiting for it. I knew Mam's face would be frought with worry that i wouldn't make it in time, and if I didn't, David would cry. My knuckles grew white as I gripped the handlebars tighter. My legs hurt, I tried to focus on home, tried to ignore the life leaking from my charge. It seemed so helpless.

I had never peddled so hard. My whole body ached, sweat stung my eyes, but I didn't slow down. Not for a second. It was David's birthday - what kind of brother would I be if I let him down today? Again and again my eyes were torn from the road, to the thing in my basket. I was becoming sure that i'd never make it, sure that I'd dissapoint Mam, sure that I'd upset David... then i turned the corner. Our house came into view. "Hold on! We can make it!" I was shouting at it now. Peddling, peddling. My legs felt like they were about to implode. Then I was inside, "I'm here Mammy, I'm here!"

She snatched the newspaper off me, looked inside, and smiled "You did it son, it will be ok!".

"David!" she called, "Come and get your ice-cream!"

rockbeer

First thing: Check your spelling and grammar if you want to impress anybody.

peddle vb ped.dled ; ped.dling [back-formation fr. peddler, fr. ME pedlere] vi (1532) 1: to travel about with wares for sale; broadly: sell 2: to be busy with trifles: piddle ~ vt 1: to sell or offer for sale from place to place: hawk; broadly: sell 2: to deal out or seek to disseminate

pedal vb ped.aled also ped.alled ; ped.al.ing also ped.al.ling vi (1888) 1: to ride a bicycle 2: to use or work a pedal ~ vt: to work the pedals of

"I had never pedalled so hard..."

WhiteWashMan

would have preferred the if last line wasnt in it.

beautiation

I liked it a lot.

And grammar, psssh, anyone can do grammar. Cute humour like this is much more valuable. This just come from the blue or is it part of a larger work?

Deliverance

reality wrote: »

I had never peddled so hard. 1997, but it seems like only hours ago.
I had never peddled so hard. The stifling heat made my haste seem all the more important - and yet pointless at the same time.I looked down into the basket on the front of my bike. There it was, ebbing away. I had wrapped it in newspaper, but the spreading wetness told me that it was fading quickly.

I thought of Mam and David at home, waiting for me - no, waiting for it. I knew Mam's face would be frought with worry that i wouldn't make it in time, and if I didn't, David would cry. My knuckles grew white as I gripped the handlebars tighter. My legs hurt, I tried to focus on home, tried to ignore the life leaking from my charge. It seemed so helpless.

I had never peddled so hard. My whole body ached, sweat stung my eyes, but I didn't slow down. Not for a second. It was David's birthday - what kind of brother would I be if I let him down today? Again and again my eyes were torn from the road, to the thing in my basket. I was becoming sure that i'd never make it, sure that I'd dissapoint Mam, sure that I'd upset David... then i turned the corner. Our house came into view. "Hold on! We can make it!" I was shouting at it now. Peddling, peddling. My legs felt like they were about to implode. Then I was inside, "I'm here Mammy, I'm here!"

She snatched the newspaper off me, looked inside, and smiled "You did it son, it will be ok!".

"David!" she called, "Come and get your ice-cream!"

I was engaged and enjoyed it. Well done.

rockbeer

beautiation wrote: »

And grammar, psssh, anyone can do grammar.

Can they? You'd be surprised.

You think an agent or publisher would take any work seriously that contained glaring spelling or grammatical errors? Dream on. It looks careless and unprofessional. It's a cut-throat business - you need every advantage you can get.

reality

Well rockbeer, I wasn't submitting to an agent or publisher, was I? I used to post here often and found the forum to be very friendly - a little community who tried to help others with constructive criticism and useful suggestions.
What is your game? You're quite rude.

Thanks deliverance, beautiation and whitewashman, wasn't sure about the last line myself, but decided to throw it in and see what you guys thought. Cheers!

rockbeer

reality wrote: »

Well rockbeer, I wasn't submitting to an agent or publisher, was I? I used to post here often and found the forum to be very friendly - a little community who tried to help others with constructive criticism and useful suggestions.

Sorry if you didn't find me pointing out your error useful or constructive. I thought you might actually find it useful to know that you'd got the key word in your piece entirely wrong, or I wouldn't have bothered. You used it five times in less than three hundred words after all, so I thought you might be glad to know of your mistake. I'm sure you'll be glad to know that I won't bother again. I didn't intend to be rude, but I assumed (obviously wrongly) that since you called your post "judge me" you were secure enough to be able to take being judged.

However I still stand by what I said to beautiation. You won't get much friendly arm-round-the-shoulder advice in the writing business. If you show disrespect for your primary tool - language - you'll simply be ignored. Not much call for diamonds in the rough these days.

maninamousesuit

I would not dare. ha ha.
Rockbeer is right. Grammer is essential. But if you get a buzz out of writing for its own sake then write it on the back of a Major box in blue crayon.
Get it down get the thread clear. When you are happy with the feel of it, then go back over it and do the grammer. Some of us do not have the natural bent for grammer, it is a chore for us. So get the story while its hot and get it down.
Some writer said "Throw up in the morning, clean up at noon."
I like your story, it has a charm but the punchline ssems a bit obvious. Maybe put a bit more mystery in whats in the basket. It could be longer and then you would have space to develop the theme. Anyway ill shut up now. Be well and be writing! The maninamousesuit has spoken:D

reality

rockbeer wrote: »

I didn't intend to be rude....
However I still stand by what I said to beautiation. You won't get much friendly arm-round-the-shoulder advice in the writing business. If you show disrespect for your primary tool - language - you'll simply be ignored. Not much call for diamonds in the rough these days.

I'm not looking to go into the writing business, I just like to write. I said you were rude because of the manner in which you addressed my spelling error.
I like to tell stories, and the judgement I sought was on the story, not so much my spelling. It would have been nice if you could have just pointed out the mistake without the big condescending post including definitions.

reality

Oh and thanks maninamousesuit.

rockbeer

That's great, reality. I take the trouble to look up words in a dictionary for you - something you're obviously too lazy to do for yourself - and get a load of abuse for my trouble.

You're right, standards on boards are going downhill.

pookie82

I agree totally with Rockbeer. Nothing is more off-putting in the writing business than bad grammar. If you're going to the bother of posting something on a forum for all to read, get it right!! It doesn't matter that you're not trying to get published etc.....if you're not going to be pedantic about grammar here, where can you be??? Most other forums let grammar mistakes go but this one should be strict about bad spelling. Considering it was one of your central words you really should have checked the spelling.

And Rockbeer's first comment wasn't in the least rude - it was merely pointing out a fundamental error. Your title is "Judge Me" but you don't take very kindly to it unless it's encouraging.

DublinWriter

maninamousesuit wrote: »

Rockbeer is right. Grammer is essential.

As is spelling.

OP - I liked what you wrote. You manage to get a sense of mystery and urgency going in a few short paragraphs. It's an excellent start to a short story.

Just one small thing - it's usually a convention in most writing (including fiction) to spell out your numbers and also to never start a sentence with a number either.

gbh

I suppose reality what the other posters are saying is that there is content and also delivery. Many poor stories are saved by a great delivery, ie the story is poor but the writing is great and vivid and imaginative. On the other hand, some great stories are ruined by poor delivery and its like listening to a great song on a scratched record. The reader wants good delivery and good content...

Writing is about constant improvement and learning and also being able to take criticism even rude criticism. You cannot ignore readers or their opinions at the end of the day you have to create what they want or else present your story in a way they want...so that is why places like this are good to iron out problems but that is not to say your story isnt good...