First time dad...to a 16yr old

LegacyUser

About 2 weeks ago I met, for the first time, my 16yr old daughter "Anna". I was with her mom "Jenny" for a few weeks in the early 90's and did not hear anything about or from her until last August. I met her brother (who was drunk), and he kept insisting that he needed to talk to me but as i was out with my current g/f, i just asked for his number and told him I call him next day.
I will try to keep this short, but basically, when I called him next day he did not beat around the bush. He told me straight out that his niece was my daughter. Stunned was not the word for how i felt. I asked for Jenny's number, but he refused, saying that he would tell her that I knew and he asked me to give it a couple of weeks before getting back to him.

I did not have to wait 2 weeks, as 4 days later Jenny called me and asked to meet. She explained that Anna was continually asking about her father, and her brother had taken it on himself to tell me. To this day I have not been given a truthful answer as to why Jenny did not even try to tell me about this at the time.

Anyway, the result of all this is that 2 weeks ago I met Anna fot the first. She did not want her mom there, so her Grandfather brought her to meet me. Its was really nervy at first, but we spent about 2 hours together and by the end of the evening we were actually getting on really well, as we have been since, either meeting or talking on the phone. Its amazing how well things are going,and in this short amount of time we have grown really close. A couple of things are worrying me though.

Firstly, Anna has moved in with her grand-parents, and seems to despise her mom for keeping us apart all this time. Her grand-father has called me, and seems to be blaming me, saying that I should have distanced myself from Anna a bit until the whole thing had sunk in properly with her. I have tried to tell Anna not to neglect her friends and family because of me, but to be honest I'm enjoying all the time together and on the phone, and really want it to continue.

The second problem is my girlfriend. She is not at all happy with any of this. Despite Anna being born 13yrs before I met my girlfriend, and despite me knowing nothing about it until 5 months ago, she is acting as if I have cheated on her in some way. She does not want to talk about Anna, refuses to meet her and says she wants nothing to do with her.

This is a really short version of the most shocking, confusing and amazing 5/6 months of my life, and would be interested in peoples views on it. A couple of questions.....

Should I back off a little from Anna, and give her time to sort things out with her mom ?
How can I get my g/f to accept all this ? We have spoken ourselves about having kids, but up to now we have not even tried, despite us both being in our late 30's.

Any views you guys have on any of this would be appreciated. As I say, its been a really confusing time for all involved, so it would be good to have an outsiders opinion. I've left a lot out here as I did not want the thread to turn into a novel, so feel free to ask any questions you have.

Thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts you have on the matter.

spurious

I'm not a parent, but I've worked with teenagers for years and many of them have been in a situation you describe. It all generally goes to reiterate the fact people should not lie to or keep importnat things from children - it all tends to come out in the end.

The most important person here is Anna. She has only recently realised that her Dad did not hate her or leave because of her (mad ideas, I know but this is what kids think). Of course she will be angry with her mother and kind of clingy with you. You can do no wrong in her eyes at the moment. I would say under no circumstances pull away from her - 'losing' you once will have been enough.

What has Anna been told all these years about her father?

Eventually she will realise (hopefully) that you are not going to leave and will remain in her life as an adult who has her best interests at heart. She will mature herself quite a bit over the next ten years or so and will realise sometimes in life 'things just happen' and it does not mean she is a bad person, or to blame for it all or caused any of it.

There are agencies out there who can help you all talk through this. It's not all going to be fun and laughs, there will probably be all sorts ahead, but I really hope it works out for you.

Shelli

First of all, congratulations, I'm so glad you've found your daughter and well done on handling the situation so well (well from how your post reads anyway). It must have been very scary and emotional but you seem to have clicked really well with Anna when all odds were against you.

Anna will calm down eventually and forgive her mother, that is one situation I'd stay well out of.

As Sprious said, Anna is the most important one here, you need to force the conversation on your gf, she needs to realise that Anna will always be part of your life wether she likes it or not. Push it home by reminding her that any children you have with her, will have Anna as a sister. Maybe she feels that now you have a daughter that you wont want kids with her?? Maybe she feels like she's losing you??

Oryx

Re your girlfriend, before this happened you were both equal in the non parent stakes. And if you had kids youd be doing it together. And now all of a sudden you have instant parenthood, and that kinda leaves your girlfriend behind. Shes probably going through a host of emotions right now, from jealousy, to broodiness and of course confusion. She will need time to get used to the idea of you being a father without her, best thing you can do is reassure her that your future together is still how it was before, and that your daughter, while part of your life now, is no threat to your gf.

I dont know much about the kind of situation youre in now, but my feeling on it is that for 16 years there were lies and secrets kept. So now everyone concerned needs to try to communicate and talk to each other. Its been too long the other way, youve a lot of years of silence to make up for. The only way to get used to being part of each others lives is to talk about it. If the grandparents have a problem with you, sit down and spell out how you see it and listen to what they have to say.

Other than that simply enjoy the company of your new-found daughter as much as you both would like.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments.

spurious wrote: »

What has Anna been told all these years about her father?

.

Incredibly, she recalls being told when she was 5 or six that I had died in the war. She says that even at that age she did not totally believe it. Apparently when she told her grandmother this she just laughed. So she thinks she picked up on the fact it was not true.
For the past couple of years she said her uncle was dropping subtle hints that I was alive and well and not all that far away. Have not gone too deep into it yet as i don't want to enflame the issues she already has with her mom.

Anna will calm down eventually and forgive her mother, that is one situation I'd stay well out of.

I fully intend to stay out of it for 2 main reasons. Firstly, Jenny raised Anna and I have to say she did a great job. The kid is an absolute angel . I don't want to see their relationship harmed. Secondly, apart from the great job she did raising Anna, I would really have nothing positive to say about her. Last week Anna showed me some pics of herself when she was growing up, and I lost it a little. I did not run her mom down in front of her, but I was raging inside. What right did Jenny have to deny me being a dad to Anna ? Maybe I'm being selfish here, thinking about what I have missed out on, rather than focusing on Anna. But it really does hurt to think of everything I've missed. And now that I have met her, it is just when she is getting into the whole friends, boys, spreading her wings stage. I'll never forgive Jenny for that, but will not let it show.

As for my girlfriend, we had an argument about this on thursday night, and in the heat of the moment I stupidly said that if things continued the way they were, someone was going to lose out, and it would not be Anna. As soon as I said it she knew what I was getting at, but the thing is I did not mean it. I'm going to suggest we take a few days for ourselves this week and head down the country somewhere. As KtK says, talking and time are the only things that will sort this out, one way or the other.

oldsmiley

Just a note of caution to this story.Before you get too attached would you not take a test to be 100% sure that you are the father.Both of you could be really hurt if you aren't and your girlfriend could end up leaving you over something that isn't true.Maybe the reason you didn't know all these years is because you are not the father.

Victor

Can I strongly suggest that you contact some lone parent and adoption-type groups? They may have counselling and advice available.

oldsmiley wrote: »

Just a note of caution to this story.Before you get too attached would you not take a test to be 100% sure that you are the father.

Be very careful with such a course of action. She's been denied her father for 16 years, be very wary of crushing the child.

J_A wrote: »

As for my girlfriend, we had an argument about this on thursday night, and in the heat of the moment I stupidly said that if things continued the way they were, someone was going to lose out, and it would not be Anna. As soon as I said it she knew what I was getting at, but the thing is I did not mean it. I'm going to suggest we take a few days for ourselves this week and head down the country somewhere. As KtK says, talking and time are the only things that will sort this out, one way or the other.

Sounds like a good idea. Some 'us' time might be useful to reassure her and give you a break.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Hey man,

Very happy for you, really amazing thing to happen to someone. I know it's gonna burn you that you've missed out on 16 years but in fairness to the mother, she could have kept it quiet another 16 & you'd be none the wiser. Perhaps there are genuine reasons why she didn't tell you in the beginning & then got more & more nervous about telling you & she became afraid of how you'd react.

You'll probably have the type relationship with your daughter now that most parents never will. Make the most of it, though it sounds like you already are. Anger about missing out on seeing her is only gonna wreck your head.

Anyway the girlfriend - were you planning to have children together? - at her age she's probably running out of time, so I'd say her anger is stemming directly from jealousy of you. There's no reason why you'd leave her over having a 16 yeal old daughter with a woman you don't know.

Congratulations again/

LegacyUser

Congrats on discovering your daughter. You are a lucky man :-)

Gonna focus on your gf relationship here. She must be in alot of pain. Children are obviously something she's forfeited so far in her life. Also when she met you, she didn't 'sign up' for this. Alot of childless people deliberately choose childless partners. Level playing field as previous partner said. A friend of mine is in a relationship with a man with a daughter (something alot of women wouldn't do) - she knew what was involved and has been VERY good with the kid, and even though she's still young enough to have kids herself and will probably try soon, his relationship with his kid still causes her twinges of pain. This isn't her being bad, its just human nature.
Now is a time when you really have to reassure your lady and deal with the issue of whether you and her are going to have kids. Your daughter is a lucky windfall and hopefully will be there for life. But remember who has chosen to commit to you and do her justice too.

LegacyUser

oldsmiley wrote: »

Just a note of caution to this story.Before you get too attached would you not take a test to be 100% sure that you are the father.Both of you could be really hurt if you aren't and your girlfriend could end up leaving you over something that isn't true.Maybe the reason you didn't know all these years is because you are not the father.

Your not the first person to bring this up in the past few weeks. I'm not going to go down that road because just looking at Anna it is so obvious that she is mine. And I think that even mentioning it to Anna or her mom would make them think I was looking for a sort of "get out clause". I was considering telling my parents / siblings that we had tests done and they were positive, just for the sake of a quiet life, but there have been far to many lies and secrets with this so far, so from now on everything is honest and open.

You'll probably have the type relationship with your daughter now that most parents never will. Make the most of it, though it sounds like you already are..

I obviously had no experience of what it feels like to be a dad up to now, but I can tell you this now, its the most amazing feeling I have ever had. I guess your right about the relationship being different to most though. Still though, I missed out on all the special things that parents and children get up to. I'll get over that in time, just hurts at the moment.

victor wrote:

Can I strongly suggest that you contact some lone parent and adoption-type groups? They may have counselling and advice available.

Excellent idea. All I can think about at the moment is Anna, how amazing she is and how well we are getting on. But when I sit back and think about everything I can see the huge impact this is having on everyone involved.
I have had a look at the links Moonbeam posted in the adoption thread, but they seem to focus more on support while tracing adopted family than support afterwards. I will try a search myself for suitable agencies that could help, but if anyone has any suggesstions, please post them. Thanks Victor.

Last night my girlfriend asked a few questions about Anna, what she liked doing etc, so things are looking up a little. We are going away next weekend, so hopefully we can start getting things back on track. I realise that it will not be easy, but i have no intention of losing my g/f or my daughter again, so things HAVE to work out.

Beruthiel

Hi OP

I'm only seeing this thread now.

Congrats on finding Anna and am sorry that it took this long to discover her.
I'll never understand women who lie to their kids like this, the truth will alway out in the end.
My niece doesn't know her father.
When my sister told him she was pregnant he legged it. My niece asks about him every now and again, the guy now lives near my parents down the country and is a total alco.
He has a beautiful daughter whom he doesn't know.
She is 12 now and it won't be long before he has to face her.
None of us are looking forward to that fallout.

Now, I'm sure Jenny had her reasons for saying nothing. Reasons that seemed like a good idea at the time. Perhaps she didn't want all the questions. I know my sister finds them very difficult to answer at times.

Congrats on keeping your anger to yourself, say nothing with regards to this subject to Anna. She is already upset with her Ma because of this, no need for you to throw fuel on the fire, it will get you no where.
I imagine because you're so nice, Anna is even more pissed at her Ma. This is a kick in the teeth to Jenny.
Anna is at an age where emotions are high and feelings are strong.

My advice is as follows:
Anna is enamored by you and will take as much of your time as possible. Don't let that happen, it will be good for neither of ye.
Pick a day or so a week and keep it to that. This still gives you time to see her. More importantly it gives her time for her family, friends and school work.
You have missed the first 16 years, but you have the rest of your lives. Take it slow.

Despite what you think of Jenny and her bad behaviour, she has done a good job with Anna. Anna will at some point need to forgive her Ma, if she doesn't, it will effect her. Holding grudges is not healthy.

Your g/f is in shock but she will come round to the idea. Don't neglect her.

Being a parent is great, and tough.
Your kids don't always love you for putting your foot down and sticking to your guns when you know they need to be reeled in.
Right now the sun shines out of your ass, be aware of that.
Again, if you take things slow, don't rush anything, it should all work out for the best.
Have fun

LegacyUser

Its less than 3 weeks since I started this thread but so much has happened in the meantime that it seems like months ago. The worst thing is that I have split up with my girlfriend. We went away for a couple of days, and when we got back i was sure we had made some progress. But within a couple of days she admitted that, not only did she not want to be a sort of "step-mom" to anna, but in fact did not want kids at all.

It all happened really quickly, less than 2 hours between being hopeful and being single. We still talk most days, but its pointless really. I want kids, she does not.

As for Anna, well i took Beruthiel's advice and collect her friday evening and she stays with me until saturday evening. I still miss her during the week, even though we text all the time and talk most evenings, but in a strange way it makes the time we have together even more special. One small thing that bothered me was that when I broke up with my g/f she did not seem to care. She just said "Oh, thats sad", and that was it. Maybe I'm being over sensitive on the issue, or maybe she feels like she's partly responsible and wants to keep my mind away from the subject,in case I blame her in some way ? I don't know. Just felt her reaction was a bit strange.

Things have improved a lot with her mom. My own mom found a couple of photos of Jenny and I together years ago, so I called as many friends as I could think of looking for any photos they might have. Did not get many to be honest, 10 or 11, but one of my friends made up a slideshow with some other old pics and music and put them on a VCD. It turned out really well, so I got Anna to invite her mom round friday night, got a chinese and the 3 of us watched it together. I'm still not happy with Jenny about what happened, and to be quite honest, will probably never really forgive her, but it was worth it all just to see Anna happy.

Thats about it really. Guess we will just move on with our lives and see where it takes us. Me and my Daughter. An absolutely amazing thought. :->

Victor

J_A wrote: »

But within a couple of days she admitted that, not only did she not want to be a sort of "step-mom" to anna, but in fact did not want kids at all.

Thats a little bit sad as she has little or no obligation to her, other than being polite.

LegacyUser

No offense, but your ex sounds like she wasn't worth it anyway. As Victor says she had no obligation besides being polite to Anna, if she's not willing to make that sacrifice for you then you are lucky that you found this out. It's also quite selfish of her not to even attempt to make this all work IMO.

Best of luck with everything, it sounds like it's going really well. I'd echo what Beruthiel says and advise you to take it slowly though, it's all very new and you don't want to make any incorrect decisions in the heat of the moment. All that said I think you've handled the situation much much better than most people would, so congrats and good luck!

Beruthiel

J_A wrote: »

But within a couple of days she admitted that, not only did she not want to be a sort of "step-mom" to anna, but in fact did not want kids at all.

I'm pretty disgusted by her reaction.
First off, Anna already has a mother and father, she doesn't require a step mother.
Also, Anna's not a baby, she's a 16 yo, she requires very little imput from your ex g/f, except perhaps friendship.
What a cop out excuse, I'm betting she just couldn't handle the situation, was jealous of your time with Anna and used the above reasons to leave.

One small thing that bothered me was that when I broke up with my g/f she did not seem to care. She just said "Oh, thats sad", and that was it.

You will find that most teenagers are self absorbed and can only think of themselves first. I know I was one of them.
She doesn't know your ex g/f that well, so how can she care? Perhaps she got the vibe that your ex didn't like or want her? So she's quite happy to have you all to herself. She may even be glad she's gone.

Thats about it really. Guess we will just move on with our lives and see where it takes us. Me and my Daughter. An absolutely amazing thought. :->

I'm thrilled for you.
One word of caution, you will feel the need to spoil her rotten and let her away with murder. It won't do her, or you, any good if you go down that road.
Obviously, you don't have the right just yet to lay down the law big time, but while she's under your roof there are certain rules etc...
It is possible to be a great parent and have your child know where the lines are that should never be crossed.
Best of luck!

Zee Deveel

Only just saw this thread, OP. That's a lot of craziness, and a lot of emotion and change for you, I'm sure, but you seem to be taking the whole situation completely in your step, and dealing really well. Sorry to hear you broke up with your girlfriend, it does really seem like a bit of a cop out excuse, I know I'm "dad's girlfriend" to a 15 year old now, and there is absolutely no obligation for me to be anything but friendly. I stay out of all arguments, any disciplinary action, make sure and give him and his dad time together, but really, that's it. Particularly if you only see your Anna on Fridays and Saturdays.

I'd strongly echo Beruthial's last words there, but mostly, I'd have to just wish you the best of luck, and happy later days.

evry1sm8

Congrats! Really happy for you that you found your daughter!
Maybe give your daughter a little more space until it all sinks in, and hopefully she can make up with her mom.
But most of all i think your current girlfriend should be a bit more supportive and accepting at such a hugely important time in your life.

evry1sm8

So sorry, i hadnt seen the post that stated you had broke up with your girlfriend. Maybe its for the best? Personally i thought from what you said before that she wasnt being supportive enough.
Good luck with everything else.

Irishcrx

Hi mate,

I can give you this from Anna's view as I only met my Dad for the first time 6 months ago at 20 , I always wondered about him, had so many questions for him etc, was nervous about getting to know him, was wary to a certain extend. There were many reasons why he left all of which he has told me and been totally honest and I believe him and can see his point of view, had it been a few years earlier and I was less mature I dunno how I would have felt. Keep in mind it's a new relationship and will take time.

I also soon found that I have 3 brothers and a sister which I didn't know about, My dad has re-married and my stepmother has been nothing but supportive in fact we get on really well, she invited me for dinner all the time, even gave me keys to their home to come and go as a please and me and my Dad are building a strong relationship, we have alot in common. My advise is that if your GF is acting like this you NEED to get rid of her and focus on your daughter you owe it to her and if your gf cannot understand this then you really need to re-think what your doing with her, your daughter is giving you a shot at being in her life in the long run it will benefit the both of you.

Good luck.

Victor

Victor wrote: »

J_A wrote: »

But within a couple of days she admitted that, not only did she not want to be a sort of "step-mom" to anna, but in fact did not want kids at all.

Thats a little bit sad as she has little or no obligation to her, other than being polite.

I know I've responded to this already, but anyway.

Personally, I have a huge fear of rows, sometimes I don't even see it myself. A row means someone will get hurt and feel bad and all those things. Its a childlike (not childish) thing. For me a break-up, whatever the relationship is bad.*

The bit "but in fact did not want kids at all" doesn't quite seem right. Maybe she doesn't want kids and wants you to confirm that you are of the same mind or she is testing you and does want kids. I don't know which. But I know it would be hard for me to let go.


* Unless its a bad relationship - violent, manipulative, etc.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

The bit "but in fact did not want kids at all" doesn't quite seem right. Maybe she doesn't want kids and wants you to confirm that you are of the same mind or she is testing you and does want kids. I don't know which. But I know it would be hard for me to let go.


* Unless its a bad relationship - violent, manipulative, etc.

What it boils down to is that, even though we have discussed having kids over the past 18mths or so, and it always ended with us deciding to wait another 6 mths and talk about it again, she told me that night that she just does not want kids. It was something that we kept putting on the long finger with us both being so busy. But that suited her, ie, the longer we carried on "just discussing it" the more likely it was that her age (39) would make the decision for us.
Looking back on it, my part in the discussions we had about having kids could have given her the impression that I was being half-hearted about the whole idea. I would love to have kids someday, but I wanted to secure a future for any kids I might have first. Maybe that was the problem. I was so focused on career issues that I was missing the signals from my girlfriend. If I had known from the beginning that she had no intention of ever having kids, we would not have got involved. And no, it is no test. She was adament. No kids, ever !!
As for her feelings about Anna, she is determined that she wants nothing to do with her, despite what was said during our couple of days away. Even though I am still in contact with her I know its over. Guess its just hard letting go.


Some have mentioned here how well I am handling all this, but if truth be known, I'm not dealing with it very well at all. Sure, when I'm with Anna it is just fantastic and it feels like nothing else matters, but when she leaves and I'm on my own I just feel lonely, depressed and angry about everything. I know I said I just want to move on with my daughter now, but I don't think I can get through all this without some sort of help.
Its great reading all the replies to this thread and getting other peoples thoughts and opinions. Answering questions is actually helping me get things straight in my own mind, so maybe talking to a professional, who knew the correct questions to ask, would really help.

Would love to comment on the other posts made today, but have an early start in the morning, so time is short. Hopefully I can get back to this on Sunday. Thanks again all.

Cunny-Funt

I agree with what everyone else is saying about your EX, poor show on her part.

And about how your daughter reacted to the break up, well how should she have acted? Or rather what did you expect her to say? She never even got to meet your now ex GF.

Putting myself in her position, I wouldn't really know what to say, so I'd probably end up saying the same thing.

J_A wrote: »

Incredibly, she recalls being told when she was 5 or six that I had died in the war.

I have to ask, but died in the war? What wars have we been? That doesn't make sense

katieboo

I have to ask, but died in the war? What wars have we been? That doesn't make sense [/QUOTE]

It is not supposed to make sense. It was how her mother fobbed her off about her father when she was a small child who knew nothing about wars we had been in.

Victor

katieboo wrote: »

I have to ask, but died in the war? What wars have we been? That doesn't make sense

2007-16=1991=Gulf War.

Cunny-Funt

But we were not in the gulf war

Beruthiel

And a 6 year old would know that?
Stretch your imagination, her Dad didn't need to be irish in the story her Ma spun.

This is hardly relevant to the topic at hand so lets get back to that.
B

microgirl

Cunny-Funt wrote: »

But we were not in the gulf war

And a five-year-old (or whatever age she would have been at the time she was being told these tales) wouldn't know that. And even a 16-year-old - she could have assumed a UN Peacekeeping Mission or something. Kids accept what their parents tell them. Or make up more interesting things (for instance, like my dad being eaten by a shark in America. All I knew was he was in America, which at <10 years old was a wondrous, magical place, only half-real. And had Jaws. Hence my dad was eaten by a shark. Made it a bit more awkward to explain to my friends when he turned up when I was 10 though )

OP - yeah, consider talking to a professional. This is one hell of a rollercoaster ride you're on and there's no need to think you have to know how to deal with it on your own.