Tell the truth or not?

evry1sm8

Ok this is my issue:
I have a really good guy friend that has very recently "got back together" with a girl he is totally in love with, however, i suspect that this girl is not really interested in him but is using him.
This girl dated him for a month or 2 last year around the same time, but then broke it off stating that they were spending too much time together which by the sounds of things wasnt really true.
The very next day after she broke it off she met up with him to "talk" about the break up, didnt mention it at all, and after a "casual chat" about other things pointed to another guy that was waiting by and said "see ya im going out with that guy now" and left him feeling really bad and totally stupid.
The girl also denies ever being with him, i worked with them both, and when it was once brought up with her in my company she scoffed and said that she would never be with him and that she was so out of his league!! That doesnt sound to me like someone that genuinely likes a person. He doesnt know about this.
After they broke up last year they stopped talking completely and only started talking again about a month or 2 ago.
The guy was thrilled and thought he had another chance with her.
He asked her straight out after spending a lot of time togehter again as friends whether she would consider a relationship, she said no.
She then met up with him again to "talk" about her feelings, went to dinner which he paid for, ended up not talking about her feelings at all, and told him that she was going out on the pull and was going to wear a really nice dress that was one he had actually bought her last year when they were together... I think that is really insensitive, dont you??
This girl also said to me around the same time a few weeks ago that she definately doesnt fancy him. Now it must be said that this guy is incredibly generous, he buys her things and pays for everything. He got her a xmas present too and she got him nothing.
Then after saying she didnt want to date him she stopped talking to him again and he met another girl and things look promising with her, i thought this was the best thing that could have happened, then "all of a sudden" the girl in question comes back and messes up his head, says she changed her mind, met him, told him she loved him and that she wanted a relationship!!
I was a bit sceptical, BUT, now it seems from what he's telling me, that she will hardly see him, and when she does she doesnt like being close to him, wont hug or kiss him which is upsetting for him, and only sees him for lunch every day which he pays for!!
Im pretty certain this girl is just using his kind nature to get free stuff as he is very well off, but do i tell him that or not??
He is a great friend and i dont want to hurt him or make him angry with me, but it seems so obvious to me whats going on!!
If i tell him i think shes just using him he may assume that i dont think much of him if i am thinking that way, that i should have faith in the fact that she cares for him because hes a good person.
And you know how people in love are sometimes blind to reality??
What do i do?? Do i tell him what i think is the truth and risk really hurting his feelings, or do i stand by until he figures it out for himself and just be as supporting as i can until then???

evry1sm8

PS: Im a female myself so i can see the signs that her feelings arent genuine.

Fwaggle

evry1sm8 wrote: »

What do i do?? Do i tell him what i think is the truth?

No, you don't tell him what you think is the truth. It's not your business and I don't think he'd appreciate it either....

adsgirl

I think you should tell him how you feel about this girl, if you have been good friends for so long he will realise you are acting in his best interests.

Tell him about her denying she was out with him, when a person does this it shows a total lack of respect for the other person and should help him figure out what a moron she obviously is.
Good luck.

evry1sm8

But if i stand by and watch him get hurt again ill feel so guilty thinking i could have done something about it but didnt

evry1sm8

Thanks adsgirl, i was thinking of taking that outlook myself, i dont think a good friend would stand by and let someone get taken for granted or used. Ill try to be tactful...

biko

Bring it up now but be prepared that he won't listen. Just support him I guess would be be tactic.

Wibbs

Be very very careful. In my experience shooting the messenger in the area of love is very common. You may end up being the bad guy out of this.

adsgirl

evry1sm8 wrote: »

Thanks adsgirl, i was thinking of taking that outlook myself, i dont think a good friend would stand by and let someone get taken for granted or used. Ill try to be tactful...

I fell out with a good friend at the weekend over a similar situation, it was very difficult for both of us, she was trying her best to make me realise i was being used and taken for granted by someone else.
We got together this morning again and talked about the issue, i realised she was only putting into words how i was feeling but wouldn't admit to myself,in the end a good friend is someone who will act in your best interests no matter how painful it is.

Beruthiel

evry1sm8 wrote: »

do i stand by until he figures it out for himself and just be as supporting as i can until then???

That's exactly what you do.

Never, ever get involved in other peoples relationships, they will not thank you for it and at the end of the day, it's none of your business.

She has treated him like dirt in the past, yet he has gone back for more.

If he had any cop on he would never have gotten involved with her a second time, yet he did.
He has decided in his head that no matter what, he wants to be with her.

Do you really think that anything you say at this stage will make a difference? Other than making your friendship with him uncomfortable.
Stay out of it.

evry1sm8

Thats some good advice, i think i will bring it up ever so tenderly with him and ill see by his reaction whether he is willing to admit some things to himself or not, if he's not ill consider leaving it alone and just standing by him untli he's ready to face up. Thanks. But i totally agree that good friends are the ones that tell you things you may not want to hear.

Zen 2nd

Let him make his own mistakes, its the only way he'll learn.

Overheal

what a mistake to learn though

I'm too young in the field of relationships to truly advise but what I do know for certain is that love is meant to be a very mutual thing. What youve described above is not love at all. A serious misbalance there.

But some people will take longer drops than others in the learning curve. It sounds like he thinks if he just keeps persisting and buying and accomodating that she will eventually come around, and once coming from that I know nobody can tell you that you have to stop trying. One day though you will wake up and realise its no good.

You can hope it comes for him sooner over later but thats about it. Talking to someone about these situations can be really tricky and if it goes wrong not only do you look like the bad guy but he may even persist more out of spite.

The only thing I can think of is dont bring it up with him. Its one of those many things in life everyone has to figure out for themselves. In such things the more someone tries to show you the answer the more you reject it and the longer it takes for you to realise the truth. It hurts to stand by and do nothing - I've been there and am there with a few people - but they'll be so much better for it in the end.

AngryBadger

You're not in a position to tell him anything. If you were one of his close male buddies then maybe, but even then it would be touch and go whether or not he'd believe you.

He sounds like a fool, why does he allow her to treat him like that?

Afraid there's nothing you can do unless you're willing to burn your bridges with himj.

evry1sm8

Was just talking to him, it seems even when he asks her for a hug she either refuses or makes excuses not to...
I think this "relationship" is not at all genuine, and he is saying to me himself before i even bring it up that he feels demoralised and doesnt know if he's happy with things

Overheal

sonnofamonkeyballs.....

Right if he is reaching out to you: he needs to ask himself some things

a) what am i getting out of this relationship?
b) what am i putting into this relationship?
c) what is she getting out of this relationship?
d) what is she putting into this relationship?
e) is it worth it?
f) overall, does the being in the relationship make him more happy, or more sad?

He needs to figure out where he is before he can know where to go.

Fwaggle

evry1sm8 wrote: »

Was just talking to him, it seems even when he asks her for a hug she either refuses or makes excuses not to...
I think this "relationship" is not at all genuine, and he is saying to me himself before i even bring it up that he feels demoralised and doesnt know if he's happy with things

Well you don't need to say anything then because he's considering the relationship himself, right? Unless you're just dying to stick your nose in and tell him what you think.

evry1sm8

No im not, im going to just leave it, i think he's figuring out for himself that its not right.

BaZmO*

By all means go ahead and tell him if you want but don't expect to be thanked for it.

Tbh you're mate sounds like a doormat and needs to learn the hard way that if you let people treat you like sh1t they'll more than gladly oblige.

I've learned down through the years that when it comes to friends/family and matters of the heart it's best to leave well alone. Even when people have split from go nowhere relationships it's best to say nothing as there is a distinct possibility that they'll end up back together which can be embarrassing if you have to meet their other half again.

Best to stay out of it and be there for him when the proverbial hits the fan which it no doubt will.

Out of interest, how old is this guy?

slemons

Dont mention a word about this specific girl, but do tell him to cop him self on.
And stop being so generous to people who treat him like sh1te.

There's a very good reason why he's being treated like sh1t too. He's a doormat. He needs to get out of that ASAP. It sounds like he's a really nice guy and deserves to be with someone special, but unfortunately while he continues to be such a doormat he will struggle to meet someone who really cares for him.

There's a massive difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat. Try to get him to see that. If he behaves like a man should, then im sure this girl will want to go out with him, in no time

evry1sm8

BaZmO* wrote: »

By all means go ahead and tell him if you want but don't expect to be thanked for it.

Tbh you're mate sounds like a doormat and needs to learn the hard way that if you let people treat you like sh1t they'll more than gladly oblige.

I've learned down through the years that when it comes to friends/family and matters of the heart it's best to leave well alone. Even when people have split from go nowhere relationships it's best to say nothing as there is a distinct possibility that they'll end up back together which can be embarrassing if you have to meet their other half again.

Best to stay out of it and be there for him when the proverbial hits the fan which it no doubt will.

Out of interest, how old is this guy?

The guy is 26... But he is very innocent and has not had much experience with girls...

BaZmO*

evry1sm8 wrote: »

The guy is 26... But he is very innocent and has not had much experience with girls...

But what about the one he was with when he was first dumped?

evry1sm8

He wasnt with any other girl, ever. He met a girl online a few weeks ago after this girl in question told him she didnt want a relationship after becoming friends again. After he met the new girl is when this girl in question turned around and said she DID in fact want to be with him. He never made it with the other girl because of this.

LegacyUser

It's easy. Tell him in no uncertain terms. Mid-long/term he'll see that you're right.

Overheal

Unfortunately, OP, you cant teach him these lessons. You know yourself some things cannot be taught: they have to be learned. Relationships are one such thing. I know I have made plenty of avoidable mistakes in my life even when people have told me flat out ahead of time it would happen. Its not that I wasn't listening, but some things we have to see for ourselves.

Heartbreak is a tough one to learn. Unfortunately though it is terribly necessary and can't be conveyed properly through word of mouth, poem or song. Better to learn it on someone that isn't right for him to begin with in my opinion.

Carrigart Exile

Evry1sm8 are you in love with him?

Beruthiel

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Evry1sm8 are you in love with him?

I did wonder the same thing.

Miss Fluff

+1 to that. You seem to be really really concerned about this guy and his happiness OP, sounds like you like him yourself tbh.

BaZmO*

Or there's the possibility that she's just a good friend and she's concerned about his welfare.

evry1sm8

LOL
No i definately am not in love with him!!! Nor do i fancy him remotely!!
Im with someone else that i really like.
Id just hate to see him made a fool of thats all.

Miss Fluff

I'd stay well out of it to be honest OP, he's an adult, he has to make his own mistakes.