Over reaction?

kittensoft1984

hi Guys,

im relatively new to the site but i need advice.

I was with my boyfriend for 3 months, things were going really well.

I recently moved out of home and away from my family for the first time - last week to be exact.

he came down to me for the weekend and it being my first weekend away from home i was a little bit down and depressed and not really in the form for anything.

The weekend was a bit of a disaster to be honest. Then the folloeing Wednesday he rings me to say that he doesnt think our relationship was going to work because i wasnt ready for a relationship with him......Im confused.

he knew that it would be difficult for me that weekend before he came down. I feel like crap at the moment as im in a new place and everything.

He is now texting and emailing me wanting to be all friends and stuff.....saying that maybe when i get settled we could try again.

My question....should i keep in contact or break contact completly for a while?

Any suggestions welcomed!

madbev90210

I think you should tell him that although only going out a short time you really thought things were going well but as he couldnt even try to understand how you felt after leaving home, he's obviously not who you thought. Guilt trip him! Break off contact completely until hes begging for a second chance. If not, Theres plenty more fish in the sea!

kittensoft1984

hiya!

thanks for that

i just dont know whats going on in his head! its so annoying and confusing!

quinnray

madbev90210 wrote: »

I think you should tell him that although only going out a short time you really thought things were going well but as he couldnt even try to understand how you felt after leaving home, he's obviously not who you thought. Guilt trip him! Break off contact completely until hes begging for a second chance. If not, Theres plenty more fish in the sea!

An insight into the female mind

Wibbs

Partially an insight, but not too far wrong a reply at all, except for the guilt trip bit. Not good. Never guilt trip anyone into a relationship. Guilt or pity is the worst basis for a relationship and given this guys apparent lack of emotional insight it would be an even bigger disaster.

Now it seems like this guy didn't appreciate the whole weekend thing. OK, how bad was the weekend? Did he get nothing but grief from the get go and did this ramp up when you realised he wasn't getting the point? In most cases there are two sides to this.

Obviously if he wasn't supportive of you it could mean any number of things. It could be that he's just not very empathic, it could also mean he wanted a "girlfriend", arm candy and company, not a partner that may have problems from time to time. Suddenly he sees you with a problem and he heads for the hills. At 3 months in I would say that's more likely the case. Has he been distant before?

Marksie

Wibbs: good advice.

OP you have been going out for 3 months and this is the first time you have moved away.
Also three months is very much in the honeymoon period and while you may have said to him i will feel like crap. He probably naively thought i can handle this, we will be together and do what we want. Exepreince showed him differently.

Now there are two of you in this, you went in saying you will feel like crap, gave him the expectation of him feeling like crap. So of course it was crap and got worse.

It was in effect a very large fire hydrant of cold water on the rosy glow of the relationship.

He couldnt handle it and neither could you.

So its not his fault and its not yours.

Boith have to look at what happend in the weekend..your its gonig to be crap and his i can handle it (I think).

He may now be regretting his actions but i think you have to look at yours as well.

As for guilt tripping him, well that is simply childish. Better to outline and talk about what happened and why. But do be open to what he says and dont finger point

LegacyUser

1984, your date of birth? You're 23 at least so.. and it's your first weekend away from home? Your boyfriend comes to see you, hoping to make you feel a little better and you're depressed because you're away from home.

In my opinion it would look like you don't really care much for him, shouldn't you be happy to see your boyfriend?

I was in a similar situation with my girlfriend on new years eve, she came to see me and i spoilt her for a week straight, trying in every way posssible to make her week fun and when it came to ten minutes before the count down she started to cry alittle, claiming to miss her friends. Made me feel like ****..

Wibbs

xzehpe wrote: »

1I was in a similar situation with my girlfriend on new years eve, she came to see me and i spoilt her for a week straight, trying in every way posssible to make her week fun and when it came to ten minutes before the count down she started to cry alittle, claiming to miss her friends. Made me feel like ****..

Hang on. Was she in a mood for the week while you were spoiling her? Fair enough. Pain in the arse time.

If not, so what if she has a (a little, by your account)cry when she misses her friends on a night like new years eve? Eh hello? Self centered or insensitive much? Frankly the mind boggles. It wasn't about you. It was simply that she missed her friends and that affected her emotionally momentarily. Big deal.

Just because you were nice to her doesn't mean she's always going to react like a empty vessel that acts how you think she should. It doesn't work like that. When you see that life will be a lot simpler.

kittensoft1984

i have MOVED out of home not just away for the weekend.

I told him that it could be a hard weekend for me as i was moving away from my family for the first time.

he didnt get crap or anything like that. i didnt think it was that bad!

i was a bit emotional on the Sunday and was a little quiet on the Saturday afternoon but apart from that i though i did really well.

The Hill Billy

OP - The way I am reading the situation (& I may be wrong) is that your relationship was fine for 3 months. All of a sudden you are under a bit of emotional strain - to be expected under the circumstances - & your boyfriend says that you're not ready for a relationship.

My opinion is that he needs to do some growing up before he starts telling others whether they are or aren't ready for a relationship. If he can't provide his girlfriend some emotional support & understanding during a major life event such as moving out of home - he just isn't worth any more emotional investment from you. Start looking for a grown-up lad to date instead. Best of luck!

Wibbs

Hill Billy wrote: »

My opinion is that he needs to do some growing up before he starts telling others whether they are or aren't ready for a relationship. If he can't provide his girlfriend some emotional support & understanding during a major life event such as moving out of home - he just isn't worth any more emotional investment from you. Start looking for a grown-up lad to date instead. Best of luck!

I love the sound of nails being hit on the head in the morning. Smells like...... good sense.

kittensoft1984

Hill Billy wrote: »

OP - The way I am reading the situation (& I may be wrong) is that your relationship was fine for 3 months. All of a sudden you are under a bit of emotional strain - to be expected under the circumstances - & your boyfriend says that you're not ready for a relationship.

My opinion is that he needs to do some growing up before he starts telling others whether they are or aren't ready for a relationship. If he can't provide his girlfriend some emotional support & understanding during a major life event such as moving out of home - he just isn't worth any more emotional investment from you. Start looking for a grown-up lad to date instead. Best of luck!

thats it exactly!

he didnt understand what i was going through and he answer was "everyone does it"

thanks guys - you have made me feel better about it now!

The Hill Billy

Yipee! A satisfied customer!

kittensoft1984

so you reckon i shoudl break contact too?

Marksie

Thats up to you to decide OP.

Do YOU want to?

kittensoft1984

to be honest i dont know.

at the moment i think i need to.....its too difficult to try to be friends with him.

but then ive known him for 2 and a half years so its like losing a friend too....

Beruthiel

kittensoft1984 wrote: »

to be honest i dont know.

at the moment i think i need to.....its too difficult to try to be friends with him.

Then break contact for a few months or for however long it takes you to get fully over him. After that time, if you still wish to be friends, get back in contact.

The Hill Billy

I'd keep your distance. For two reasons primarily...

1. Allow you to focus on your new living arrangements & get used to your freedom - from both your home life & your former relationship. Get out there & have some fun.

2. He may be a friend of 2 & a half years standing, but he didn't really show any of the qualities of a 'friend' (i.e. support, understanding, etc.) when you needed it. He says that "maybe when i get settled we could try again". Yeah, right - what he means is "when you get over your shít that I really can't be bothered dealing with - let me know & I'll have some fun with you again if it suits me."

Sorry if that sounds harsh, & remember - it is just my opinion.

kittensoft1984

Hill i think thats exactly right though!

i think he expected me to be happy go lucky all the time and i just cant do that

The Hill Billy

As that is the case then I wouldn’t waste any more time on him.
Make a clean break & spend your time with your real friends.

tbh

It seems like he's one of those guys who are not really mature yet - I don't mean that in a patronising way. We get taught lessons all our life, but some don't learn them as quickly as others. Because I don't really know what he said, or - more importantly - how he said it, I'd guess it was one for two things: he saw you were down, figured it was probably because of him (because....isn't everything?) and did the decent thing and gave you an out.

The other is that he saw you were down, decided he couldn't be arsed putting up with it, and gave you a classic spin on the "it's not you, it's me" line - reversing the roles, I never thought it could be pulled off, i have to say. Now he feels guilty about it, so he's keeping in contact trying to lesson the guilt.

So, really, it comes down to how you feel about him. Could you be arsed putting the effort in to figuring out what it was, and doing the whole talking about it thing, and the walking on eggshells for a while while ye both try to figure out just exactly where this thing is going, or would you rather say "feck it, new house, clean break - go for it".

which sounds more appealing? Is he worth fighting for? Do you want to? if not, cut off contact and see who's around the corner for you.

kittensoft1984

just an update on this guys!

well we tried the whole talking for a while thing and it just wasnt working so i havent spoken to him for nearly 2 weeks and i feel a lot better off!

thanks for all your advice! much appreciated xx