Affair/Abortion......will i resent her?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one I think...

Ill try keep this as short as I can.

Basically 3 years ago I met a woman who was married, i wasnt in a relationship at the time and we began an affair. At the time she had been going through some **** with her husband that I dont wanna get into , needless to say she leaned on me

So we were still together up to December 2007 when out of the blue she just dumped me with no explaination just told me to get out of her life and stay out.

I felt hurt and used , until i found out what had happened.(I found all this out from her sister who knew all about us)

Her husband had found out about us and beat her half to death and she decided to end it. Then She found out shes pregnant and by the dates she knew it wasnt her husbands. He told her if she didnt have an abortion he would divorce her and she would lose everything, the house is in his name and so is the car , nothing in the marriage is hers. So she went to England and aborted my baby.

I was so angry at her... that was my baby too, I have plenty of money and my own home, she should have come to me I would have taken care of her and the baby and she knew that.

I saw her last night at the cinema with him, she had a black eye and looked worn out and even cut her hair up short- she looked depressed.

I feel so selfish, she killed my baby and I hate her for it, But I feel sorry for her, I love her to pieces and I wish she had come to me for help. I want to call her and tell her divorce him and be with me but i yearn for our baby and i feel id end up resenting her

What Do I do?

Nevyn

Go get yourself find yourself someone to talk to so that you can grief.

woodseb

billybob_tt wrote: »

He told her if she didnt have an abortion he would divorce her and she would lose everything, the house is in his name and so is the car , nothing in the marriage is hers.

if they are married it doesn't matter whose name the house is in, she will get her share

seamus

woodseb wrote: »

if they are married it doesn't matter whose name the house is in, she will get her share

Many people are very unaware of family law. Abusive men will do things like put everything in their name (including bank accounts) and use that as a threat against the woman. Their only real power is fear, so they use it to maximum effect. In this case, she may very well have feared for her own life, which is why she went ahead with the abortion.

OP, as Thaedydal says you need to find someone to talk to about this and grieve properly.

Marksie

OP i really think that you shouldnt hate her for this. It does sound from what you have said that she had really suffered and is still suffering for this.

But all your feelings are in turmoil and everything is clouded.

Its more important for the now that you take time to come to terms with whats happened and heal yourself.
In doing that you will be able to look back with a clearer head.

best of luck

denashpot

1 things for certain mate and that is she's never going to leave him ever so as hard as it is you have to move on and find someone else that will show you the same love and commitment as you would show them. regarding the abortion... you can seek help but it will forever be in your mind what could of been. good luck.. hope everything works out for you.

Drummerboy2

I don't think you should hate this woman for this. Domestic violence had a very traumatic affect on a person, often making them resort to making irrational decisions. Surely, if you really love her, you can understand the turmoil she must have went through to make a decision like that. I think you should try and talk to her, tell her how you feel and decide between you if you have a future.

Mighty_Mouse

I feel so selfish, she killed my baby and I hate her for it

Your sperm, her baby.

Sounds like the poor woman has had it rough.
Would think the last thing she needs is an ex lover turning psyco.

She's stuck in a bad relationship but thats life.
Get over it buddy.

embee

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Your sperm, her baby.

Sounds like the poor woman has had it rough.
Would think the last thing she needs is an ex lover turning psyco.

She's stuck in a bad relationship but thats life.
Get over it buddy.

No, it was their baby. That is like reducing any father of any child to nothing more than a sperm donor. It was his baby too and he is right to be upset about it. Simply saying "get over it buddy" isn't really helpful - his child is gone too and I would also suggest counselling as Thaed did.

OP - She sounds deathly afraid of him and won't leave him, not for you. I know you are upset about the abortion, but you said he beat her half to death.... it sounds to me like the baby wouldn't have stood much of a chance if she'd decided to keep it. And I know it is hard for you not to resent her, it is normal to feel this way, but for your own good, holding onto anger and resentment will do you no good in the long run.

shakenbake

Drummerboy has hit the nail on the head.

It sounds like you're both in alot of emotional turmoil at the moment. OP, do you love this women? Is your love for her enough to forgive her, feel compassion for her and help support her? Is she someone you want or even *could* possibly settle down with? You need to ask yourself these questions but I think that you very well know the answers yourself. Like someone else said, talk to someone professionally about this. Get professional emotional support and also get advice on her entitlements too. If you want her/love her, fight for her.

It's a nasty situation, I wish you the best with it though.

Overheal

billybob_tt wrote: »

Her husband had found out about us and beat her half to death and she decided to end it. Then She found out shes pregnant and by the dates she knew it wasnt her husbands. He told her if she didnt have an abortion he would divorce her and she would lose everything, the house is in his name and so is the car , nothing in the marriage is hers. So she went to England and aborted my baby.

I was so angry at her... that was my baby too, I have plenty of money and my own home, she should have come to me I would have taken care of her and the baby and she knew that.

I saw her last night at the cinema with him, she had a black eye and looked worn out and even cut her hair up short- she looked depressed.

I feel so selfish, she killed my baby and I hate her for it, But I feel sorry for her, I love her to pieces and I wish she had come to me for help. I want to call her and tell her divorce him and be with me but i yearn for our baby and i feel id end up resenting her

What Do I do?

This sounds like a serious matter and a half.

For one thing - divorce is not as clear cut as who's name is it anyway? : For instance, if the wife in a marriage gave up her career to be a housewife then she would likely be entitled to half of the husbands income for the length of the marriage. Thats how it usually works. The argument that everything is in his name is utter trash.

Domestic violence is serious. Violently forcing your wife into an abortion is a crime against humanity in my opinion: depending on which side of the abortion fence you are on he forced her to murder your child. He needs to be locked up. Start gathering evidence against him and contact your local Garda Station.

It sounds like she didn't know her options. I would forgive her, and I would save her from that mess. Domestic violence is a serious factor in who would win that divorce - the abortion especially, considering she was threatened into doing it. The court cares not for marital relationships: for example it wont matter if she slept around with half of Dublin - the court wont care - if she was physically abused by her husband however; that is major.

Seamus wrote:

Many people are very unaware of family law. Abusive men will do things like put everything in their name (including bank accounts) and use that as a threat against the woman. Their only real power is fear, so they use it to maximum effect. In this case, she may very well have feared for her own life, which is why she went ahead with the abortion.

Precisely. Its not your marriage OP but consult a solicitor immediately and get a professional opinion on this. As far as I know everything I've said is true - it was a big radio conversation the other week. But don't assume anything without solicited professional opinion.

She isn't the person you should be hating. He is.

Shelli

Assuming that she would leave him and come to you, even if your possible resentment was something you couldn't overcome in the end and you two ended up seperating, surely she would still be better off out of the current abusive relationship?

FakeRedHead

You say you love this woman. If you do offer her help.

Offer her a place to stay and a lift to Citizen's Advice to get financial advice. If she doesn't want it, leave it.

You seem to think you should only approach her if you can forgive her and you're going to be a couple.

That can wait. Offer friendship at least. But I suspect you probably could forgive her from what you say.

Ask if she wants to leave him. She might not. Why hasn't she moved in with her sister if she's keen to separate, for example?

Would she only leave him if she had someone else to be with?

If you do love her, you'll be making up the spare room for her, no strings attached. And if you can't forgive her, you'll eventually help her find a nice place to live paid for with her half of the marital assets.

Marksie

I think fakeredhead, even before the OP can attempt to do that. He has to come to terms with what has happened and exorcise it from his psyche.

It would be an exceptional persn who culd do what you ask at this current point in time.
The best he culd do was accept for now and open lines of communication

But then again, even if he did this there is no gaurantee she wuld leave, some people will stick with the misery they know rather than take a chance and leap into the dark.

FakeRedHead

Marksie wrote: »

But then again, even if he did this there is no gaurantee she wuld leave, some people will stick with the misery they know rather than take a chance and leap into the dark.

That would be my guess too.

I do see what you mean about it being harder for the OP to offer help.
He's been hurt by her.

I'm looking it as someone in trouble who hasn't wounded me.

estar

not another relationship right now

lolli

Op, I'm sorry that you lost your baby, you should talk to someone about it but really you should not have gotten involved with a married woman.

Find yourself a single woman that you like and can have a proper future. I feel really sorry for this lady but you will always have her husband lurking in the bankground i'm sure especially if they have children of their own.

Learn something from this: Stay away from the married ones.

WhiteWashMan

billybob_tt wrote: »

Going unreg for this one I think...

Ill try keep this as short as I can.

Basically 3 years ago I met a woman who was married, i wasnt in a relationship at the time and we began an affair. At the time she had been going through some **** with her husband that I dont wanna get into , needless to say she leaned on me

So we were still together up to December 2007 when out of the blue she just dumped me with no explaination just told me to get out of her life and stay out.

I felt hurt and used , until i found out what had happened.(I found all this out from her sister who knew all about us)

Her husband had found out about us and beat her half to death and she decided to end it. Then She found out shes pregnant and by the dates she knew it wasnt her husbands. He told her if she didnt have an abortion he would divorce her and she would lose everything, the house is in his name and so is the car , nothing in the marriage is hers. So she went to England and aborted my baby.

I was so angry at her... that was my baby too, I have plenty of money and my own home, she should have come to me I would have taken care of her and the baby and she knew that.

I saw her last night at the cinema with him, she had a black eye and looked worn out and even cut her hair up short- she looked depressed.

I feel so selfish, she killed my baby and I hate her for it, But I feel sorry for her, I love her to pieces and I wish she had come to me for help. I want to call her and tell her divorce him and be with me but i yearn for our baby and i feel id end up resenting her

What Do I do?

people do strange things when under extreme stress. While you may feel upset at the loss of a possible son or daughter, it may well not be a patch on the guilt she herself feels.

While I truely believe that people can only get themselves out of a situation, if you still feel strongly, I see no reason for you not to contact her and talk to her. She may ask for help, she may not, but you can always offer it. Besides, it may give you closure on something that has obviously gnawed at you for the last few years.

But, just remember, until you know the full story, things may never be as they seem. What you saw, may not be a reality.

But if you really do feel strongly, then I suggest you are very quiet about making contact. And be fully prepared for her to completely ignore you or blank you, and you have to be prepared to accept that.

As mentioned before, it might be an idea to see someone first though. You may find that once you talk to someone about it, your entire view and perspective changes.