Have I done the right thing?

Ciara2008

I am not hugely familiar with these forums but I know some friends who are so have decided to give it a shot!

OK without delving in to too much detail myself and my boyfriend of just over 2 years split up in mid October. He broke up with me and at first I found it quite hard to deal with.

He has implied that there is a chance we will reunite in the future, but I'm trying not to think about that.

In the last 3 or 4 weeks I have come to terms with the breakup. I feel it's for the best and in ways agree that it is more likely we will be on a more similar path in the future so we would have a better chance of working out.

Now, since I've come around we became quite close again, chatting on msn at least once a day...chatting on the phone a few times a week etc. We weren't seeing each other but in the back of my mind I wondered if it was all a bad idea.

We both live at home so although we had sex in our relationship it was quite restricted in waiting for parents be on holiday or us being on holiday ourselves - almost a novelty.

Now, yesterday, in the course of our conversation I mentioned that my parents were away- i wasn't even really thinking of sex as I thought we were past the whole relationship thing.

We were on the phone later that night and he did ask me if i was lonely on my own and we spoke about libido and stuff and I didn't really think what he was leading too at the time, I just thought it was weird we were having the conversation- then as I was saying goodnight he asked if I would like him to come over for sex.

I haven't seen him in about 6 weeks, although we've chatted we haven't really made any plans to meet up - and I thought this was for a reason!

When he asked, he caught me off guard and I said "no" got very offended and said - "I'm going to sleep" he then texted sayin he'd gotten the wrong end of the stick and he read the signs wrong etc.

I just feel really hurt that someone I'm so close to could want to use me, especially being broken up 3 months and he knows how much I struggled with the break-up at the start.

So, I told him not to worry about it, hes a good guy and i had hoped we could stay friends but now I don't think we can and this is maybe an alarm going off telling us to move on.

He was a bit angry with me, saying i shouldn't judge him for reading the signs wrong and he also said that he would rather us drift apart than break contact given all that has happened (now - please tell me how sleeping together will help us to drift apart?!!!)

Anyway, it did seem out of character for him, and though I was nice I feel I may have over reacted?! Is it a normal request for a guy or was it disrespectful to go there - In hindsight he had been trying to ask me that question for the last 30 minutes we were on the phone and I was on such a different wavelength I'd no idea why he kept bringing it up - so i don''t know what the signs were that he toook up the wrong way.

Anyway, I have said what I have said, he has reluctantly agreed and i was just wondering if I should have maybe been a bit more understanding?!

tomla1966

Ciara .........Guys dont (or so shouldnt) Do that:mad:...It was Disrespectful to say the least!!!! Of your ex Asking you that........You did right by turning him down...I bet he hadnt suggested meeting up BEFORE you told him your Folks were not home?......Dont you dare Blame or doubt your Judgement in ANY WAY!!!! .......You did right:D........Dont let him turn it on you in future? conversation

tbh

he was chancing his arm. He's getting thick because he's embarrassed. It's a bloke thing, don't give it another thought.

kittensoft1984

Hi Ciara,


agree with the last post.

definetly did the right thing here. you would only end up getting more hurt if you had said yes!

keep the chin up!

Wibbs

Yep he was chancing his arm. You didn't "lead him on". Unless he's mentally deficient he's an adult and can make his own choices*. The number 1 choice he made from your point of view was to leave you.

I reckon that when breaks occur men and women can have different ways of approaching the aftermath. Maturity on both sides will allow a cooling off time of little or no contact. Maturity will not suggest a chance in the future, either to hedge one's bets, or as a way to let the other partner "down gently"(it won't).

When people don't fall into the above category, they act in a selfish manner. The "let's be friends" line falls into this. Now most who use this, use this as a throwaway line and don't pursue it. When they do, it's for their own needs not the needs of the one who just got dumped.

This is where there seems to be a gender diff. Men who hang around after dumping someone, may look for a sexual safety net with the ex, women may look for an emotional safety net. Both are bad for the ex. Both will only last until the person doing the dumping gets comfortable with someone new.

You were right to not go for it OP. He was looking for a particular part of the relationship, but without the responsibility of the relationship. Same with someone using an ex as a shoulder to cry on. Both selfish and both not to be tolerated. Well done.












*I will not tolerate any post that suggests just because he has a willy he's already mentally deficient..

Karen_*

Ciara I had a breakup too, very very upsetting and awful so I know how you feel. I've been reading alot, you know, trying to look for answers or some words to help me feel better and to move on. In the course of my reading I read 'the man of your dreams would never expect or suggest that you offer yourself as some sort of a sex toy'. That helped me put things in perspective because I had slept with my ex the few weeks after the break up.

If someone hasn't the respect to go out with you then they don't deserve to have sex with you. You're right to be hurt and annoyed and his reaction to that is his own problem.

Ciara2008

Thank you so much everyone. The way he reacted I really wondered if I had been way harsh.

All of what you have said is just what i needed to hear. Hopefully moving on will be a bit easier without him

newbusiness

He just picked you up wrongly.

Sex is just sex to most guys, none of the emotional mess most Irish girls attach to it.

Frankly I'd be more worried about talking with him on MSN everyday, and the phone every few days. That's what couples do!

McGinty

Hi Ciara

You should give yourself a huge pat on the back for not going to bed with this guy and repsecting yourself, as other posters said he got thick because he didn't get his own way. Personally I think it is best to cut all ties with an ex unless you see them in the street/same social circle and even then keep it to the how are you, etc, etc. I was not sensible like you and went to bed with an ex several times, until like Wibbs said he got comfortable with someone else and then it took longer for me to get over him. He was a tosser for asking but I was a fool for giving it. Again give yourself a pat on the back because your ex was projecting his humilation etc on to you.

LadyJ

Ciara, I have been in this situation and unfortunately I did not make the right choice and it couldn't have turned out worse. I felt so used and had no one to blame but myself.

You made the right decision by putting a no-nonsense rule in place from the word go. It is very hard to resist sleeping with an ex, especially so shortly after the break-up. Tbh, it would probably be easier to cut contact because that way the temptation for the two of you won't be so intense.

It was not an over-reaction on your part imo, it was just you protecting yourself and your ex feels awkward for letting his guard down and also because he was rejected by the person that he had broken up with in the first place. That's always a killer.

estar

newbusiness wrote: »

He just picked you up wrongly.

Sex is just sex to most guys, none of the emotional mess most Irish girls attach to it.

Frankly I'd be more worried about talking with him on MSN everyday, and the phone every few days. That's what couples do!

its normal to be emotional about who you share your body with

its abnormal not to care

op break contact and move on, that was very disrespectful of him

dresden8

Personally I don't get the "lets be friends" thing. Cut the him out. That bit about he hinted he might take you back eventually? He's a tosser who wants a bit on the side when available.

But then again, if that's what you want, fine, go with it.

MugMugs

Cant blame the geezer for trying !

Ever hear of friends with benefits ?? !

Zombrex

Sounds like the guy is missing regular(ish) sex.

I'm not sure what you mean by "disrespectful". If you were passed the whole relationship thing why were you calling each other at night? I don't think he is using you any more than you are using him. You are both keeping things going, possibly both for different reasons.

Wicknight

Wicknight wrote: »

Sounds like the guy is missing regular(ish) sex.

I'm not sure what you mean by "disrespectful". If you were passed the whole relationship thing why were you calling each other at night? I don't think he is using you any more than you are using him. You are both keeping things going, possibly both for different reasons.

Seconding

plus I really don't see how it was "disrespectful"

Ciara2008

I don't think i have been as strong as i should have been. Since we've broken up there have been 5 or 6 occasions now where i have asked him to please leave me alone - which he has - for about 4 days. Then i'll get a msg or phonecall late at night but I haven't fought it off till we have a fight and then the cycle begins again.

What I meant by disrespectful is that he has no desire to have any sort of commitment to me, says he really cares abour me but doesn't love me any more, he knows how hurt i was initially when we broke up and he SHOULD know that getting in to some "friends with benefits" type situation would be just him using me for sex and could potentially hurt me.

WhiteWashMan

sounds like he was lonely tbh. We always think abotu revisiting our ex's after we break up with them.
Break up sex can be the best in the world, but it can also be the worse, becuase youre sharing an intimate physical moment with someone you cared about. And that becomes moxed up with emotional and love and you decide to get back together and the reason for breaking up in the first place hasnt gone away and the pain and the suffering and they hey hey hey.

Anyway, dont have sex with him. He may get the completely wrong thing there, and so might you. Best to move on. Seriously, big sign for anyone who has a break up. Move on. meet new people, get a hair cut and some new clothes, whatever you need, just move on. And to be honest, you sound kind of young, so your emotions are probably not as under control as they should be (thats not to say your an adolecent ), and the last thing you want to do is start mixing up loneliness and love, while being intimate.

tbh

Ciara2008 wrote: »

I don't think i have been as strong as i should have been. Since we've broken up there have been 5 or 6 occasions now where i have asked him to please leave me alone - which he has - for about 4 days. Then i'll get a msg or phonecall late at night but I haven't fought it off till we have a fight and then the cycle begins again.

What I meant by disrespectful is that he has no desire to have any sort of commitment to me, says he really cares abour me but doesn't love me any more, he knows how hurt i was initially when we broke up and he SHOULD know that getting in to some "friends with benefits" type situation would be just him using me for sex and could potentially hurt me.

Don't pick up, and don't reply.

Ciara2008

Thanks to everyone who replied to this thread - our no contact seemed to be going ok. I, for the first time really felt as though I'd really turned a corner, I noticed I have stopped questioning our break-up which has given me an enormous sense of relief. For some reason i really just assumed that my ex was also feeling something similar and wasn't expecting him to come back.

During the week I posted something on another forum, both of us are members - he is an administrator. Someone replied and made reference to us as a couple. I ignored that part of the post and continued - I didn't want or expect him to reply, and I was right.

However, I got a PM asking me if I'd noticed his editing as it was an "awkward bit of thread"

It felt wrong to ignore him, very out of character for me but we had both agreed to no contact so I assumed he would understand.

So then last night I got an email saying I'd started an odd thread and he didn't reply as he felt I was just fishing for him too.

Then he was angry at me for not replying to his PM. It was his brithday last week and I didn't send him anything - this upset him also.

He apologised if the email was strange but he needed to "vent".

I got the email and decided not to reply, I have nothing further to say, I don't wish to justify my actions anymore as I don't think we have anything further to achieve.

A little while later I got a text alerting me to the email. I ignored this also.

Then around 30 mins later I got another text saying "I thought you would have the decency to reply" and he also alerted me to a spelling error on my bebo (random! I know!!!)

So! As i could tell he was building up to something quite angry and before he totally exploded and started jumping on my buttons I just sent

"I won't go on to the forums anymore. We agreed no more contact"

So he replied

"Would you not prefer some contact but with actual agreed boundaries this time. I am probably being selfish"

I didn't reply, I just didn't wanna get in to it, but I've felt so guilty all day. I don't want him to think I've turned in to a bitch but I just don't want to be his friend.

I don't know now whether I will hear from him again or not, I think I will but I can never tell.

Anyone any clue? I'm totally lost

ergo

Hi OP, missed this thread initially but just read through it

with regard to today

He really shouldn't have sent you that thing about the editing (but at same time it wasn't a booty call or something so there are worse crimes) and maybe in hindsight it woould have been better to give a simple reply along lines of "No problem. But we did say no contact so please stop texting/e-mailing and let's both move on" or something along those lines

birthdays can be awkward around these times, maybe agree for no contact whatsoever regardless of the occasion say for 6 months or a year at least (or longer)

from having been there (in the aftermath of a 5 year relationship break-up) no contact whatsoever is definitely the way to go, as difficult as it may be for one or both people concerned. If I was you I'd e-mail him as above and stress the need for no contact at all.

And best of luck!

misslt

It sounds to me that he's messing with your head a bit.

You need to, either on your own or with him, make a decision and stick to it. Neither of you can play by the rules if the rules keep changing.

I think you'd be better off with him out of your life, for a while at least, till you completely get over the situation..then see.

But atm it seems like hes trying to mess up your head, so don't let him!!

SarahSassy

He wants what he cant have. He is trying to get your attention and is throwing his rattle out of the pram when you dont jump to attention. As another poster suggested, the best idea is to tell him you want no contact with him....

It will help you move on from him sooner.

Aved

I'm been in a similar situation recently with a guy I've known for 5 years. Anytime I didn't show that much interest I'd get swamped with messages about how much he'd missed me, how I was breaking his heart by not seeing him etc.
Although anytime I did arrange to meet up with him he'd cancel last minute with no apology or anything. He also has a habit of randomly texting me on nights out at around 2am as he wants to see me.
I know it's really hard but breaking off all contact is the best possible route to take for now. If he's anything like my guy don't let yourself be guilt tripped:).
He text me on Friday night and I didn't write back. I feel really proud of myself.

mugginsgalore

Best of luck,do move on.

tbh

you've some amount of strength there missus, you'll be grand

Tragedy

It sounds like you're doing really well and managing not to reply(i know how tempting it is), you are doing the right thing and good for you for not being afraid and falling back into a bad relationship