Don't know how

lifesab

Hi Guys,

To get to the point, I have been completely in love with my best friend for many years. I have gotten to the point where I can no longer take the heartbreak that comes with the realization again and again that she will never feel the same way about me. As much as I love her friendship and don’t want it to end, I cannot keep putting myself through this torture. I know I need to break free from her because this situation is affecting too many other areas of my life and has been for too long now.

I know that she definitely does not feel the same way about me but I guess over the years I had just hoped that if I did enough that maybe one day she would. Bottom line is that she doesn’t and she never will. Trust me on this.

The thing is, my feelings for her are not something that we’ve spoken openly about and I don’t know how to phase her out of my life (I feel terrible even typing that) without bringing this up. I would rather not bring this up as I feel that for her it would ruin many years of friendship and a helluva lot of history. I know she would just end up thinking that I was friends with her for all the wrong reason.

The thing is, we’re so involved in each others lives that even if I took too long to reply to a text she’d be wondering what was up.

Does anyone have any advice regarding how to go about this? How do you effectively ‘break up’ with a friend who has no idea that there’s something wrong without actually telling them what’s wrong?

I’m sorry if this all sounds like gibberish. I just really don’t want to hurt her more than I know I already will. I’ve just reached breaking point with this.

Thanks for any help or suggestions.

Overheal

No two ways about this friend: you need to talk to her. I think if you're that in love with her than cutting her out will be next to impossible. Besides if youre going to do that you might as well tell her anyway if all youre worried about is it will end the friendship.

Your logic is catch 22: Tell her and possibly lose your friend; or lose your friend and possibly lose your mind.

If you're so close that you can read each others mood over text timing than I think she will be able to see your feelings or be prepared to hear about them anyway.

You don't keep that sort of feeling from a friend anyway. It doesn't matter how strange it might become. If you're so involved with each other she may even be a little hurt you've kept something this big from her: not that she'd hold it against you but you need to come clean.

bronte

If you feel that much for her,do tell her.
Life is much too short to not convey our emotions.
I know it sucks.

wandering_star

I can't say any more than the other posts, but here is my 2c

Talk to her, better to know for sure (ye might be really close, but unless your psychic..) then spend a life wondering what if..

You'll be kicking yourself if you don't. Trust me.

Buzz Buzz

wandering_star wrote: »

Talk to her, better to know for sure (ye might be really close, but unless your psychic..) then spend a life wondering what if..

You'll be kicking yourself if you don't. Trust me.

Completely agree, you can never predict what will happen..

Here's one for you, my friend lives by the lessons in this film (Good Will Hunting) and I know he'd quote this if he read your post:

Will: So, when did you know, like, that she was the one for you?
Sean: October 21st, 1975.
Will: Jesus Christ. You know the ****in' date?
Sean: Oh yeah. Cus' it was game six of the World Series. Biggest game in Red Sox history.
Will: Yeah, sure.
Sean: My friends and I had, you know, slept out on the sidewalk all night to get tickets.
Will: You got tickets?
Sean: Yep. Day of the game. I was sittin' in a bar, waitin' for the game to start, and in walks this girl. Oh it was an amazing game, though. You know, bottom of the 8th Carbo ties it up at a 6-6. It went to 12. Bottom of the 12th, in stepped Carlton Fisk. Old Pudge. Steps up to the plate, you know, and he's got that weird stance.
Will: Yeah, yeah.
Sean: And BAM! He clocks it. High fly ball down the left field line! Thirty-five thousand people, on their feet, yellin' at the ball, but that's not because of Fisk. He's wavin' at the ball like a madman.
Will: Yeah, I've seen...
Sean: He's going, "Get over! Get over! Get OVER!" And then it HITS the foul pole. OH, he goes ape****, and 35,000 fans, you know, they charge the field, you know?
Will: Yeah, and he's ****in' bowlin' police out of the way!
Sean: Goin', "God! Get out of the way! Get 'em away!" Banging people...
Will: I can't ****in' believe you had tickets to that ****in' game!
Sean: Yeah!
Will: Did you rush the field?
Sean: No, I didn't rush the ****in' field, I wasn't there.
Will: What?
Sean: No - I was in a bar havin' a drink with my future wife.
Will: You missed Pudge Fisk's homerun?
Sean: Oh yeah.
Will: To have a ****in' drink with some lady you never met?
Sean: Yeah, but you shoulda seen her. She was a stunner.
Will: I don't care if Helen of Troy walks in the room, that's game six!
Sean: Oh, Helen of Troy...
Will: Oh my God, and who are these ****in' friends of yours they let you get away with that?
Sean: Oh... They had to.
Will: W-w-w-what'd you say to them?
Sean: I just slid my ticket across the table and I said, "Sorry guys, I gotta see about a girl."
Will: I gotta go see about a girl?
Sean: Yeah.
Will: That's what you said? And they let you get away with that?
Sean: Oh yeah. They saw in my eyes that I meant it.
Will: You're kiddin' me.
Sean: No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not talkin' right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missin' the damn game. That's regret.
[pause]
Will: Wow... Woulda been nice to catch that game, though.
Sean: I didn't know Pudge was gonna hit a homer.

Good luck with her.

kittensoft1984

tell her!

you never know she might be feeling the same way!

let us know how you get on!

Wibbs

As others have said tell her. Now I suspect you know the answer already. She has probably made it clear before now. I would also lay money down that she has a fair idea of how you feel. I would tell her straight anyway.

Now if it goes pear shaped and she doesn't feel the same, you have to get distance between you. No ifs buts or maybes. If you don't you'll be moping around for years not looking at someone else or many someone elses who may actually be better for you. In fact they will be better for you, as they will return such feelings. Love is a two way street. Love is based in equality of feelings and goals. As is friendship. The friendship you have is suffering now from that imbalance.

You're currently wasting time and emotions on just one person who doesn't return that feeling. It's not her fault she doesn't either. It's just how it is.

Find someone who will. The only way you can do that is if you get distance with your friend. It's unhealthy to do otherwise. Simple as.

Beruthiel

Ya. Like everyone has said, tell her. At least that way she will understand why ye can no longer hang out together.

Overheal

Wibbs wrote: »

Now if it goes pear shaped and she doesn't feel the same, you have to get distance between you. No ifs buts or maybes. If you don't you'll be moping around for years not looking at someone else or many someone elses who may actually be better for you. In fact they will be better for you, as they will return such feelings. Love is a two way street. Love is based in equality of feelings and goals. As is friendship. The friendship you have is suffering now from that imbalance.

You're currently wasting time and emotions on just one person who doesn't return that feeling. It's not her fault she doesn't either. It's just how it is.

Find someone who will. The only way you can do that is if you get distance with your friend. It's unhealthy to do otherwise. Simple as.

...........This man is a genius. I have nothing further to add.

lifesab

Thanks for the great advice guys! I'll be saving and re-reading them all.
Btw, i love Good Will Hunting!!!

It looks like I'll have to tell her the truth

I know that in the end, it's the best thing for both of us and for those that said she probably already knows and may even be hurt that I'm keeping it from her...I think your probably right. Our relationship has been a bit strained of late and she's mentioned that she's felt I've been keeping things from her.

I'm just sure she's not aware of to what extent though!!

Anyway, thanks again. If I have an update, i'll let ye all know.

Bottle_of_Smoke

How long have you been friends? I don't think you should tell the complete truth. She will just think you were friends for all the wrong reasons. Why wouldn't she? Would it be believeble that you recently developed these feelings?

It won't be the same & given she's such a part of your life it could potentially leave you seriously depressed. I know it comes across that I'm advocating brushing problems under the carpet but if you're going to take the truth road be prepared for the consequences. Would seriously recommend the "recently I've been seeing you in a different light" by-pass.

Have people ever commented that you'd make a great couple/mistaken you for a couple? Did you then joke about this/discuss it? If not there's a good chance she may be suspicious you're interested.

I acknowledge you're somewhat content completely cutting her out of your life but how practical is that? Is it going to be awkward every time mutual friends ask you out?

If you didn't fancy/want her as a girlfriend how interested would you be in friendship? When I was in school I liked my "best friend", though at the beginning I denied liking her as I figured she wasn't interested. Got into the best friend role & it went on for years, now with perspective I realise I was only giving her so much time because I fancied her to begin with, got along well but it was me building it up that kept things going. She's still pretty much the same person but I have no interest in her at all. She's still hot too.

Then this other girl I thought I'd completely fallen for but once she let herself go a bit & put on some weight I lost all interest. Though before this I genuinely thought she was the one for me. If you liked her at the start & thought you could influence her it means you've been building her up every second you know her

lifesab

Well we've been close friends for over a decade so I don't think she'd buy the 'recently developed feelings' idea. I do want her as a friend though. Honestly if I could have that and just that without all of these other feelings I would be happy out! But I can't. I've tried believe me. She could look at me a certain way and bam! I'm back to being head over heels regardless of the knowledge that those feelings are pointless.

And she could be 100lbs or 500lbs and I guarantee that I'd still feel the same way about her. It's definitely not just a physical attraction.

Like Overheal said, it's a catch 22! Tell her and risk losing years of her trust and friendship or don't tell her, lose my mind and possibly lose the friendship anyway. It won't be a decision I take lightly that's for sure.

Overheal

Its a decision you don't really have a choice with though, Catch 22 or no. It'll undoubtedly change the dynamic of your relationship but if you keep hanging onto it you'll go mad and one day it will come out of you in far more destructive ways.

Tell her. And soon.

LegacyUser

Almost 12 years ago, a very close friend of nearly 25 years, was engaged to a guy. We met up very often, almost twice a week, as all of our friends have very similar interests - sport, cinema etc.

The thing about it was that had been madly in love with this close friend for years but nothing had ever happened.

Needless to say it drove me potty when I listened to the wedding plans, looking for the house, dress makers and all of that. I couldn't say a word, not even to my friends as I would have appeared as engagement breaker.......

About 6 months before the wedding, the guy called off the wedding and my friend was devastated - really devastated. She is a great person who never deserved this. But everyone has their reason for doing what they do in life.

One Saturday morning, a long time after the breakup, my friend came into town with me to help me choose a new suit as I was starting a new job a few weeks later. We went from shop to shop and looked and searched and eventually decided to have a break with coffee in Bewleys.

During coffee, I asked her how she was after the break-up and we spoke about it for a while.

Then I told her that I had the darndest chat with a good friend during the week who was madly in love with his good friend for years but had never told her for fear it would jeopardise their friendship. It was a huge fear he had but equally a huge love he had for her.

"Did he tell her"? my friend asked me. And I told her no but asked would she if she were in his shoes.

"Definately!" she answered, "he has to tell her. If they are such good friends, their friendship deserves the truth. He has to tell her".

We talked about the in's and out's of this story, until I finally told her that I was this "good friend" and that she was the girl that I have been in love with since school. I felt completely embarrassed and she looked like she wanted a big hole to appear and swallow her up.

We stayed in Bewleys for what seemed like 40 years that night. We talked about everything that had happened in our lives since school and had the "I didn't know that" conversations.

This year we will celebrate out 8th wedding anniversary and we have the beautiful children to prove it. We didn't burst into each others arms that night. It took time. But that chat in Bewleys was the bravest thing I ever did in my life. And it was also the best thing I have ever done. I am as mad about her now as I was in the classrom all those years ago.

I have read your post out and my friend, now my wife, is shouting "tell him he has to tell her".

Lifesab, be brave and tell her.

Wibbs

Well I must say I'll go to sleep tonight a little less cynical after reading that.

OP no matter what everyone's attitude on this is or their predictions for the future of your relationship, the basic thing is, tell her.

Buzz Buzz

Give it a try wrote: »

Almost 12 years ago, a very close friend of nearly 25 years, was engaged to a guy. We met up very often, almost twice a week, as all of our friends have very similar interests - sport, cinema etc.

The thing about it was that had been madly in love with this close friend for years but nothing had ever happened.

Needless to say it drove me potty when I listened to the wedding plans, looking for the house, dress makers and all of that. I couldn't say a word, not even to my friends as I would have appeared as engagement breaker.......

About 6 months before the wedding, the guy called off the wedding and my friend was devastated - really devastated. She is a great person who never deserved this. But everyone has their reason for doing what they do in life.

One Saturday morning, a long time after the breakup, my friend came into town with me to help me choose a new suit as I was starting a new job a few weeks later. We went from shop to shop and looked and searched and eventually decided to have a break with coffee in Bewleys.

During coffee, I asked her how she was after the break-up and we spoke about it for a while.

Then I told her that I had the darndest chat with a good friend during the week who was madly in love with his good friend for years but had never told her for fear it would jeopardise their friendship. It was a huge fear he had but equally a huge love he had for her.

"Did he tell her"? my friend asked me. And I told her no but asked would she if she were in his shoes.

"Definately!" she answered, "he has to tell her. If they are such good friends, their friendship deserves the truth. He has to tell her".

We talked about the in's and out's of this story, until I finally told her that I was this "good friend" and that she was the girl that I have been in love with since school. I felt completely embarrassed and she looked like she wanted a big hole to appear and swallow her up.

We stayed in Bewleys for what seemed like 40 years that night. We talked about everything that had happened in our lives since school and had the "I didn't know that" conversations.

This year we will celebrate out 8th wedding anniversary and we have the beautiful children to prove it. We didn't burst into each others arms that night. It took time. But that chat in Bewleys was the bravest thing I ever did in my life. And it was also the best thing I have ever done. I am as mad about her now as I was in the classrom all those years ago.

I have read your post out and my friend, now my wife, is shouting "tell him he has to tell her".

Lifesab, be brave and tell her.

If that does not inspire you tell her, nothing else will! Thats brilliant!!

LegacyUser

As everyone else has said - tell her. You have to. Whether it's as a reason why you can't hang out with her anymore, or whether it's just as a confession and see what happens after doesn't matter, but you need to bite the bullet.

However, I'm also being very hypocritical, and I understand *exactly* where you're coming from and what you're afraid of, 'cos I'm in pretty much the exact same situation as you - completely in love with a good friend of mine for many years. Would give limbs to spend the rest of my life with him.

The difference is, I *did* tell him, albeit 7+ years ago, about 6 months after I realised my feelings. He wasn't interested then, and he isn't interested now, and I wouldn't say anything again precisely because I have already said it, and because I know for an incontrovertible fact that it wouldn't make any (positive) difference now. But that's because he's Asexual (no, genuinely) and therefore isn't interested full stop , not because he doesn't fancy *me* specifically. In fact, many/most acquaintances - anyone who doesn't know us well, basically - assume we're a couple.

Unless she has specifically told you she's not interested, or you're the wrong gender, then you can never be 100% certain. And even telling her, and having her not be interested, doesn't mean she'll freak out, or never want to speak to you again, or will think the whole friendship has been a lie.

And good luck to you breaking away from it. I've never succeeded and I never will, as he's too good a friend, and we're in too many of the same circles, and I just don't have the strength, so I really hope this works out for you, one way or the other.

beanyb

Give it a try wrote: »

Almost 12 years ago, a very close friend of nearly 25 years, was engaged to a guy. We met up very often, almost twice a week, as all of our friends have very similar interests - sport, cinema etc.

The thing about it was that had been madly in love with this close friend for years but nothing had ever happened.

Needless to say it drove me potty when I listened to the wedding plans, looking for the house, dress makers and all of that. I couldn't say a word, not even to my friends as I would have appeared as engagement breaker.......

About 6 months before the wedding, the guy called off the wedding and my friend was devastated - really devastated. She is a great person who never deserved this. But everyone has their reason for doing what they do in life.

One Saturday morning, a long time after the breakup, my friend came into town with me to help me choose a new suit as I was starting a new job a few weeks later. We went from shop to shop and looked and searched and eventually decided to have a break with coffee in Bewleys.

During coffee, I asked her how she was after the break-up and we spoke about it for a while.

Then I told her that I had the darndest chat with a good friend during the week who was madly in love with his good friend for years but had never told her for fear it would jeopardise their friendship. It was a huge fear he had but equally a huge love he had for her.

"Did he tell her"? my friend asked me. And I told her no but asked would she if she were in his shoes.

"Definately!" she answered, "he has to tell her. If they are such good friends, their friendship deserves the truth. He has to tell her".

We talked about the in's and out's of this story, until I finally told her that I was this "good friend" and that she was the girl that I have been in love with since school. I felt completely embarrassed and she looked like she wanted a big hole to appear and swallow her up.

We stayed in Bewleys for what seemed like 40 years that night. We talked about everything that had happened in our lives since school and had the "I didn't know that" conversations.

This year we will celebrate out 8th wedding anniversary and we have the beautiful children to prove it. We didn't burst into each others arms that night. It took time. But that chat in Bewleys was the bravest thing I ever did in my life. And it was also the best thing I have ever done. I am as mad about her now as I was in the classrom all those years ago.

I have read your post out and my friend, now my wife, is shouting "tell him he has to tell her".

Lifesab, be brave and tell her.

So, I'm totally pathetic, but this genuinely made me cry. Great story!

I'm definitely on the tell her bandwagon. If you've decided that you need to break off the friendship anyway, you have nothing to lose. But you could have everything to gain!

lolli

I had a great male friend. He was the best. I told him everything until one day he told me that he had feelings for me. I loved him a lot but not in that way. I loved him like a brother. He got his feelings out in the open, i met him a few times in a pub away from where we live to discuss it. I told him that I did not feel the same but I loved him as a friend and that he was one of the most loyal and best friends i'd ever had.

After he told me things changed, I felt awkward, i think he did too. Before we could have a laugh and a joke but that was gone. He kept telling me that he loved me and couldnt be without me. I already have a boyfriend who I love very much. I'd tell him where I was going with my boyfriend and then I started getting messages from him saying "I cant bare the thought of you with him, when you should be with me" He kept sending me messages saying I love you, I need to be with you. In the end I had to cut all ties with him.

He was one of my best friends and now that is all gone. I really miss him because hes a great guy.

We have mutual friends, I was out recently and the group started talking about love and soul mates, he turned to me and said I already found my soul mate didnt i lolli? I just kind of mumbled yeah and went to a different pub with my boyfriend. He even has a girlfriend himself and he said this in front of her aswell and shes a lovely girl (better catch than me anyway ha)

My advice to you is be careful, telling someone something like that can also lead to the end of something that was a very good friendship. I miss my friend, I wish things were how they used to be. telling people feelings like that can work out and I hope they do for you but it could also be the ruination of your friendship.

Best of Luck

Overheal

God damn it! Now Im sad and confused. On the one hand we have a brillaint one page love story from Give it a Try (why post anonymously we want to be happy for you!) and on the other we have lolli showing us it doesnt always end well.



seriously, that was an up then a down.



It won't change my advice though in the end and you need to tell her!

WhiteWashMan

Wibbs wrote: »

Well I must say I'll go to sleep tonight a little less cynical after reading that..

you want to snap right out of that!

oh and tell her.
Ifs shes up for it, yay!

If not, you can move on.

win win situation. kinda.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

God damn it! Now Im sad and confused. On the one hand we have a brillaint one page love story from Give it a Try (why post anonymously we want to be happy for you!) and on the other we have lolli showing us it doesnt always end well.



seriously, that was an up then a down.



It won't change my advice though in the end and you need to tell her!

In fairness, it didn't work out in Lolli's case 'cos the guy was a tool and wouldn't let it drop. Me and my "soul mate" are still good friends 'cos I *don't* keep harping on at him about how we should be together, about how even friends who know the situation want to try and get us married, about how he's my soul-mate and the only person whose children I want, because it would quite simply be wrong to do so. It would make him uncomfortable and be very, very unfair. And I would lose whatever bit of him I could still get.

Lolli's guy wanted all or nothing, and seems, quite frankly, to have been a complete jerk.

OP - if you aren't either going to be able to accept whatever she says, and continue as ever, or accept whatever she says and then let her out of your life then yes, leave well enough alone and don't tell her. But if you are determined to cut contact with the girl, then she deserves to know why. And you just might end up getting a response you never expected.

But don't be a tool about it.

lifesab

Thanks again guys for all of your replies and advice. It's been very interesting to read all of your opinions.

The more I think of it, even though deep down she may already know, I believe that she would rather not know for sure or have that conversation with me. I really don't want to damage the friendship that we've had and I don't think I could cope with things becoming awkward between us.

I understand everyone who jumped on the 'tell her' bandwagon thinking that maybe because we're so close as friends that perhaps she felt the same way but for reasons I can't disclose here, I know that us being together as a couple is not an option...as far as she is concerned anyway.

A new development is that she is actually going to be moving abroad with work for the next while. This was confirmed very recently. I think that this distance will give me the time out that I need to gain perspective on the situation. Hopefully, it may just help to save our friendship...and my sanity! :-)

dramaqueen

I think having a bit of distance will probably be a good thing for you, you need to get your head clear of her in order to decide what you need.
There is a part of me that thinks your friendship deserves the honesty of telling her and another part of me that thinks you should keep your mouth shut. At the end of the day, you seem 100 percent positive that she does not feel the same way. I assume you have a solid reason to think that. Therefore what will you achieve by telling her?
As someone who is in the same situation as "Her", I can tell you that I already know and I don't want to discuss it. I've made my feelings clear and he knows how I feel. I feel uncomfortable when the issue is raised even slightly and think I would have to end an important friendship if I was confronted. I suppose we can remain friends as long as we pretend that the white elephant isn't in the room... Maybe that's selfish of me.
If you already know that she doesn't now nor ever will feel the same way, then wouldn't it be fair to say by confronting her, you are in a way disregarding her feelings and putting your own first?
On the other hand you do need to look after yourself. Get some space and decide if it is harder to be in the friendship than out of it. You need to look after your own heart in this, and if you can't get over it you should probably walk away instead of torturing yourself.

good luck

microgirl

OP - having read the whole thread I don't think people are all just saying "Tell her" because you might be in with a chance, but because not telling her and just disappearing out of her life would be an incredibly mean and hurtful thing to do. If you were going to remove her from your life you'd need to tell her why. I know if someone I was close friends with suddenly just stopped wanting to spend time with me I'd be gutted, even if them telling me would make me not want to spend time with them

However, if she's going away, it's a bit of a moot point. At least for a while. Some time and distance could really help you here.