Lying boyfriend, am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

Im a 23year old girl and have been going out with my 28year old boyfriend for 2years now, we have lived together for the past 18months. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. We have a very close relationship and get on very well. He had one serious relationship before meeting me, with an American girl who used him and subsequently dumped him on his birthday. I have had several previous relationships, albeit only 2 serious.
My boyfriend and I had a very stressful 2007 which culminated in us moving together to another county.The New Year also began badly with him being very stressed. Ive done everything to help him recently and have spent endless hours comforting and reassuring him. Today I found that he had been secretly looking up his ex's social network page along with a couple of weird sex sites. I was devastated especially when i asked him initially, he lied and said he hadnt been doing anything online. Its the lying that bothers me most. When confronted he apologised and swears he cares only for me but why then in the midst of a stressful time does he seek out his ex's page? And weird sex sites? He knows I value honesty above all else and this just makes me question whether I can trust him. I want this ex out of our lives so why does he look her up online? Is this normal and am i overreacting? Please help cos I feel very let down and extremely confused. . .

togster

overreacting tbh.

Marksie

When people are put on the spot sometimes they will get defensive and lie. Possibly through panic.
He did not persist in that lie. But you may want to ask him why, when stressed he goes to the default behaviour of his ex site.
As for the Porn, well if it may have piqued his interest and he looked at it. Again stress can make people do funny things and if it disracted him well OK fair enough.

Can you trust him, well he says so. Did he persist in lying... no.

If you cant then talk to him again, especially about the ex's homepage.

MagicMarker

What's so weird about the ''sex sites''?

Maybe he's still in contact with the ex every now and again through this networking site?

annemarie13

i dont think he is going to hurt you cause it happened to him and i dont think he would want you to experience that.he could just want to see how his ex is gettin on in life thats why he was lookin at her page. but mayb he wants more in his sex life? is it goin ok 4 yas?

LegacyUser

Well the sex websites arent *that* weird I guess.. Mostly fantasy stuff based on guys being humiliated and dominated by women. I know that sometimes when my boyfriend is feeling down and bad about himself he retreats into himself and is particularly drawn to being sexually submissive. He knows I find this a bit odd but I usually just go with it.. However some of the stuff online is a bit hardcore for my liking.. eg "Sissy slut training" and "Sissy queer". Makes me wonder is he satisifed by me at all... I understand that guys will be guys though and am not so much bothered by the porn as the looking up the ex, whom i might add, sent him an email several months ago claiming she still loved him. He says he didnt reply and i believed him. To my knowledge he hasnt contacted her since the very beginning of our relationship. I just dont get why he felt compelled to look up someone he says he regards as a "sociopath"?!? (with good reason) Especially at a time where our relationship seems particularly strong...

Marksie

Well as regards the sex sites and his need for submission. If you have good communication then why dont you two discuss what he wants and that front and take steps to resolve it. In that way you are fulfilling his need and ensuring that you are enough for him.
As for the ex, well have a talk with him about it.

He seems to have been straight up in telling you things, particularly the email, whihc is a good sign. So juts clear the air completely and expolain you are having a few issues understanduing why he checked her site.

m83

Guys look at pron all the time, its what we do. You'll just have to accept that. I also look at my ex's bebo from time to time. I know i shouldn't, i hate that cow so it really means nothing. Don't make a big deal about the lying, i'm sure he was embarrassed about the pron and lied to protect you about his ex. Ye'll be fine, ye really will.

bubblebutt

m83 wrote: »

Guys look at pron all the time, its what we do. You'll just have to accept that.

that's so easy to say "guys look at porn" as if to say deal with it.

this girl has been going out with her boyfriend for two years, lived with him for most of it.

she didn't know this about him, he most likely told her he never would as he knew she would be upset. it has to be weird and hurtful to find this out about your b/f. and of course trust issues will come into this, especially intimately.

JæKæ

I think we all look up social sites for people we used to know, former girlfriends etc. It's mostly curiosity to see what they're up to now. Nothing to get too worried over.

LegacyUser

Thanks Bubblebutt... You're right, its totally out of the blue and its just the most horrible sinking feeling to catch someone you love very much blatantly lying to you. I just dont understand *why*. I talk to one or two exes very occasionally (online only) but its not in secret and im not lying to him about anything. If its so innocent then why not be honest about what he's doing? Yeah it would still bother me but only to a fraction of the extent that this has upset me. Makes me feel theres something going on if he feels the need to lie about it.. I should probably mention that this is not the first time that he's lied about this. Last summer I caught him out in the very same lie -looking up his ex and weird porn. Except that time he also had a secret profile on the same social networking site as her that I never knew about, and never would have until I caught him out. He claimed it was to contact his brother, until i caught him frantically texting his brother asking if he had a page on this site too -he hadnt a clue! Finally admitted that he'd been checking out the ex's page. He also had a secret profile on a dating website but only "for the quizzes" Am i some kinda mug or what?

spinandscribble

is that ok cupid ie. the quizzes? so am i but i dont use it for dating, most dont

m83

bubblebutt wrote: »

that's so easy to say "guys look at porn" as if to say deal with it.

this girl has been going out with her boyfriend for two years, lived with him for most of it.

she didn't know this about him, he most likely told her he never would as he knew she would be upset. it has to be weird and hurtful to find this out about your b/f. and of course trust issues will come into this, especially intimately.

I'm sorry but you're quite simply deluded. Porn has nothing to do with real life, its just something to look at while you have a ****. End of.

John_Mc

bubblebutt wrote: »

that's so easy to say "guys look at porn" as if to say deal with it.

this girl has been going out with her boyfriend for two years, lived with him for most of it.

she didn't know this about him, he most likely told her he never would as he knew she would be upset. it has to be weird and hurtful to find this out about your b/f. and of course trust issues will come into this, especially intimately.

What are you talking about? You couldn't seriously be talking about the porn aspect of this girls "problem".

Guys DO LOOK AT PORN - so just deal with it. How do you deal with I hear you ask? Don't over analyse it for a start. It's nothing to do with your partners feelings for you or the sexual aspect of your relationship.

Back to the OP, totally over reacting IMO. I really don't see what the big deal is :rolleyes:

milod

MissN wrote: »

I know that sometimes when my boyfriend is feeling down and bad about himself he retreats into himself and is particularly drawn to being sexually submissive. ...... I just dont get why he felt compelled to look up someone he says he regards as a "sociopath"?!? (with good reason) Especially at a time where our relationship seems particularly strong...

Um, join these dots to solve the puzzle...

OP, the guy is horny, curious, and probably has self-esteem issues - ones that are bound to surface when the pressure is on. He has a sexual fantasy around domination, and it looks like his ex was probably less considerate than you and that secretly he enjoyed the humiliation - however, humiliation works much better in your head than in real life (e.g. she dumped him on his birthday).

If I were you, I wouldn't be worrying about porn and dating sites per se, they are just symptoms of a greater malaise - the real question is why your b/f seeks humiliation and whether he believes he is worthy of your love.

It's up to you whether you want to help reassure him, and discuss the matter non-judgmentally, or whether you want to criticise his insecurities and condemn what ought to be his private actions on a computer (you did after all 'discover' this with some effort on your part, no?)

LaVidaLoca

"He knows I value honesty above all else "

Yet you spy on his internet history to see what he's been looking at. You should be far more worried about this tendency in yourself than in anything he's done.

Little news for you:

Pretty much everybody nowadays looks at porn in some form or another, and most of it isn't pretty. Remember that when you look at somebody's porn, you are gaining a glimpse into their subconscious world, and that world is rarely pretty and populated with bunny rabbits. It might be dark and scary and even a little violent and degrading. It's not shocking, cause ALL men are thinking about this stuff all the time. In other words, if you choose to look into a toilet, your probably gonna see a little poo.

As regards checking his ex's social networking page, again, totally normal. If he was messaging his ex and asking her out on dates, I;d be worried. Otherwise it's just ordinary curiosity.

Lux23

Overreacting. I think he must be a tad afraid of your reaction if he felt the need to lie.

LegacyUser

Actually LaVidaLoca, I coudnt really give a s**t about the porn, but giving that it did contain some homosexual content, then I think you might understand if I was ya know, A TAD SURPRISED -as I'm sure you would be if you found that your partner of two years displayed some new surprising tendencies in themselves! So far he's been too embarrassed to even talk to me about what he'd been looking at so I respected that and just left it. Left it with a couple of questions in my own head of course (hence me being here) And also LaVidaLoca, to clarify, I wasnt snooping through his browser history at all, I went into the history to retrieve a URL that I had been looking at a few days previously and lets be honest here, I think something like "KinkMistress" and "SissyQueers" evokes what you refer to yourself as "ordinary curiosity". Is "ordinary curiosity" applicable only to guys and porn? So it seems...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys but a couple of you seem to be missing the point -I love this guy. I dont *want* to "criticise his insecurities" nor do I get any satisfaction from it.On the contrary Ive regularly spent many hours with him discussing these insecurities, where they stem from, how we should deal with them etc. As I said only recently he's been a bit strung out and Ive literally done anything I can for him to cheer him up and reassure him, as I think he would do the same for me -couples look out for each other yeah? That and the fact that I care a lot about him. Knowing his tendency to "go into himself" as he puts it and seek out humiliation when he's feeling bad about himself, makes me really worry bout him. He's not comfortable with his aspect of his personality himself and refers to it as "weird". I dont want him to feel like this! I want him to feel good about himself. If he looked at this porn all the time, as a matter of course then go for it, I dont care. But the fact that it stems from underlying low self esteem is why it's worrying me. I dont want my boyfriend to retreat into himself and actively try to make himself feel worse.

Marksie

you cant make him feel good about himself per se MissN.

He has to do that himself and all you can do is facilitate this.

It may be that this submissive nature is a part of him and rather than thinking its weird he should be encouraged to accept it as part of him rather than dismiss or hide it. It then ceases to become something he cannot handle and whihc will cause him top check such sites.

TBH as well as regards queer sissy etc. Yes i would be intruiged as to why, but recognise that it may not be something they want to experience but want to look at. Remember sexuality is a fluid changing thing and not set in stone.

His embarassement is again something that indicates he is not fully open with these things

LaVidaLoca

I made those assertions on the basis of the info available.

I dont think your boyfriend has really "lied" to you in this instance.

While it is good that you weren't deliberately snooping on his internet history, you can hardly be surprised that when first questioned about it he said he hadn't been up to anything. You found out something you weren't supposed to find out , and he didnt know that. Hell if anyone asked me "We you looking at porn last night?" my answer would be "no", instinctively.

The homosexual content thing is hard to judge. As *ahem* someone who has seen a fair share of porn, it is very easy when using free porn sites, to stumble upon a page you didnt want to look at. And zing, in it goes into your history. Secondly, Ive seen loads of porn simply out of curiosity, including gay porn. It doesnt mean he gets off on it. He may have looked at it once, just to see what it looks like.

I dont think there;s necessarily anything to worry about.

FakeRedHead

Hi OP,

Well, you mention three things.
1. Your bf looked up his ex on a site.
2. He's looking at 'weird' porn.
3. He has a profile on a dating site.

Numbers 1 and 2 wouldn't concern me if it was my boyfriend or husband. Looking at friends/exes on sites is natural curiosity.
So is looking at porn for a lot of guys.
And sometimes porn is just porn....he wouldn't necesarily want you to run off and buy a selection of leather whips.
(Or being a a guy, he probably would).

If I was you, number 3 would concern me most.
It could be the quizzes....right... but it would be hard not to wonder if he's there for a little look about for a side dish or (sorry) a more appetising main course.

LegacyUser

Well he "had" a profile on a dating website anyway. (And yes, it as OkCupid to someone who asked earlier) I found this out last summer, again in browser history, he didnt tell me. I found out that he had a secret profile on the same social networking site as his ex, that I knew *nothing* about. This was in addition to finding out that he also had the secret profile on the dating site, that I had also known nothing about. So basically I found out that my boyfriend had this entire secret online identity that I knew nada about. He also revealed that he has a second identity on this website too, that yup, I knew nothing about! Needless to say I was fairly shocked and hurt to find out all this. Of course I wanted to know why he was doing all this behind my back. When confronted about all his lies and secret personas I got a rather short reply that he never used the dating profile and it was set up "only for the quizzes". The social network profile was to look at his brother's page -I subsequently found out he didnt know how to even access his brother's page. Later he revealed it was to look at the ex's page. He promised me that both profiles had since been deleted. Which leads me to now, when I caught him looking her up again. Why has he lied a second time? Does he still have the secret stuff goin on online? Why does he have to be so cloak and dagger about it if it's all so innocent? I really dont know what to make of all this...

estar

yes

Catari Jaguar

My boyfriend was using OkCupid, he said for the quizzes, but he was writing to his ex on it too, and yes, he lied to me about that and tried to cover it up. I got into a huge fight with him and was resentful and mistrustful for a long time afterwards.
I totally understand how you feel about him having a "second identity" so to say... and it did hurt me to think he could be a secretive person or sneaky, if that's the right term. Maybe because I value honesty so much... Now, if he did it a second time, like your bloke has, I'd be showing him the door. But that's just my opinion.

And to me, that pr0n does sound very odd, and I'd be concerned. I've no prob with it in general, and it can be hot to watch together etc, but what he's looking up seems very dodge.

Good luck with whatever you do. I have no answer but just thought you should know someone agrees with you!

spinandscribble

ok cupid is still used by me for quizzes and my bf doesnt care. i think you're overreacting.

lolli

Most of us have a natural curiosity about our exes, doesnt mean we want to get back with them. We just want to see what they are up to. I have profiles on internet sites that my boyfriend doesnt know about. Okcupid being one which i use for quizes and keeping in touch. I'm on Bebo, facebook etc. My boyfriend is on none of those. People dont necessarily have these profiles to hook up with other people, they are generally for keeping in touch with friends.

If i found my boyfriend looking at porn that wouldnt bother me at all. He might have came across the other site by accident or was just a bit curious. We all need things beyond our partners, we need to keep in touch with friends. Our partners dont need to be involved in every aspect of our lives.