So many problems

LegacyUser

I need to off load a little bit. It a long post. Have been having a rough time lately and this morning things only got worse.

To begin with, I am 28 yo female. I am well educated (although cant get job in sector I want-am on a mimimum wage crappy job - that’s another story). Lately have been suffering anxiety like attacks – nothing too major – but have bouts of insomnia aswell.
I am the 3rd child out of 4. I have an older sister who is married with 3 children and her own house, I have an older brother who lives at home, the only boy, who can do no wrong. And I have a younger sister who has just built her own house and gotton married a few months ago. They all live in the vecinity of each other. I live about 7 miles away. Don’t get me wrong, I am delighted for them and all they have achieved but I cant help feel like Im the let down in the family.

I have always been somewhat “the loner” or “the weird one” of the family. The real truth is that I am simply the quiet one. I am usually left out or excluded from family activities – Im starting to get paranoid like I am an embarassment for them. My Aunt and Uncle in England are having a party next weekend for their anniversary. It was addressed to my parents and family. I was never told about the invitation, but saw it one night when I was home. I asked bout it. I was told that my parents and 2 sisters are going. I was told quickly that that the reason they were going was because my Aunt and Uncle had come over for their weddings. I thought ok, kinda hurt I hadnt been asked, but I took it as the reason. Anyways, I found out during the week that my brother was asked by them to go too. To say I was angry was an understatement.

I cannot look at them now. My feelings are all mixed up towards them. I don’t know what to do. I feel like never speaking to them again. My heart feels broken. This type of behaviour has gone on since I can remember and I cannot take anymore.

To make things worse, my brother used to be good friends with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I live together now. I earn a minimum wage. So, about a year ago, he was let go from his job. He had bills to pay and was worried, so (god only knows why – his family do not live in Ireland) he asked my Dad for a loan. I only found this out recently. He then, a few weeks later after getting another job, paid him back half. Between getting the new job and other things going on, he never paid my Dad back the other half. When he found out he’d forgotton he was mortified. But do you think anyone in my family said anything? No, they bitched behind our backs. My Dad told my brother the story and basically my brother told other people the problem. It was only a friend of the family who told me all this because he said he was worried about me. We have not approached any of my family members about this, except my Dad who my boyfriend spoke to recently and they sorted it out (and has paid him back another bit of the loan).

Anyways, this morning comes the news that my boyfriend has been let go again from work (he was there a year). There were 3 let go last week. He is devastated. I feel like I am going to breakdown with the pressure. Ironically my younger sister works for the same company, she has only been there 2 months in the admin section and are keeping her on. It never seems to rain but it pours. I feel like quitting my minimum paid job, leaving the little country and family behind and starting a new life in a new country. Some people seem to be so lucky. I mean there is a girl in the office here driving me nuts, simply because everything is going so well for her. She was telling me this morning that she needed money for a holiday she has coming up. What do you know, 5 mins ago, one of the managers walked in asking her to do overtime! I just don’t know.

Mr. Incognito

You can't chooses your family eh. I don't know what to say to you. In that situation, I'd prob go to Aus or the US for a year where any degree is worth more than Ireland.

Cathmandooo

Have you spoken to your family about how you feel? Pick the most influential person in your family and have a chat, if they realise what pressure you're under and how left out and ignored you feel they might get the rest of the family to include you more often and it might help them all understand what's going on with you. It's often quite difficult to figure out a quiet person.

Borrowing money from family can easily be a disaster. The fact that your bf forgot to pay the rest back is a huge black mark in anyones book. If money is that tight for someone I actually can't understand how they can forget to pay half of it back, that doesnt make much sense. I'm sure your family think the same so they'll naturally bitch about you both.

Maybe a fresh start in a new country could be the making of you and your boyfriend. Plus it might actually bring you closer to your family, absense makes the heart grow fonder. Anytime I'm even on holidays my dad would be dying to speak to me on the phone, whereas at home he barely makes conversation with me!!

I hope you work something out for yourself anyway.

Dizzyblonde

I agree that if you're not tied to a mortgage, then going travelling or moving to another country for a while would be a great idea. And as Cathooo says, it might make you closer to your family.
Your boyfriend's being let go, you hate your job, what have you got to lose?

Gumbyman

Hey, sorry to hear this. Sounds like you're having a rough ride. Regarding the bf and the loan - bad form not paying back or at least talking to your Dad and letting him know there's a problem with it. I also find it hard to believe he forgot. But if you talk to your Dad you should be able to iron this out. If people want to talk let them talk. Are you qualified in teh sector you want to work in? Would it be worthwhile going back to college to do a masters or something like that and then try? Sounds like you would be eligible for a grant there and could work part time. I'd look into this for a month and see if your bf can find work. If no joy then off to US or Oz or somewhere warm. Try not to worry about it too much. Set a timescale for it and stick to it. You will get through it. When you have your own family you can right any wrongs that were done to you by yours. Best of luck!

Davei141

I have always been somewhat “the loner” or “the weird one” of the family. The real truth is that I am simply the quiet one. I am usually left out or excluded from family activities – Im starting to get paranoid like I am an embarassment for them. My Aunt and Uncle in England are having a party next weekend for their anniversary. It was addressed to my parents and family. I was never told about the invitation, but saw it one night when I was home. I asked bout it. I was told that my parents and 2 sisters are going. I was told quickly that that the reason they were going was because my Aunt and Uncle had come over for their weddings. I thought ok, kinda hurt I hadnt been asked, but I took it as the reason. Anyways, I found out during the week that my brother was asked by them to go too. To say I was angry was an understatement.

Do you want to go?

FakeRedHead

Maybe your parents didn't tell you about the invitation as they know money is tight for you and they were afraid they might end up having to pay for your flights etc.

Sorry if that's a bit blunt.

Families label each other very easily and it can stick for a long time.

Your boyfriend asking for a loan and not paying it back isn't good and is the kind of thing that takes time to live down.

As another poster said, getting one of your sisters to see how isolated you feel and to have a chat with your parents could help.

Moving abroad for a bit can be expensive to start...flights, waiting to get a job etc so I'd advise getting some funds together first, if you go, so it would go smoothly for you.

estar

sometimes its not so healthy to be so close to your family, especially if you find them a little toxic.

if i were you, and i am not, so you must decide yourself, i would raise the issue with your dad, and apologise for not repaying the loan straight away.
and then say you were disappointed to hear from other people (dont say who)
that your family hadnt really liked how the situation turned out. and that next time they have a problem with you or your partner, then they should tell you directly, as its better that way. and leave it at that. dont argue with them. its important to set the boundaries with people clearly - what is acceptable to me, what is not acceptable. mostly when you stand up to people in a polite nice calm but insistant manner, they listen.

your partner should probably have consulted you before getting a loan from your dad. but that is in the past. work out a payment schedule with your dad that you can afford. and if he is p8ssy about it, get a loan from the credit union with favourable terms.

regarding your job, your esteem and your view of yourself.
all work is worthwhile. whether it be minimum wage, or maximum wage. it is a contribution. value your contribution. if you want a different job or future, there are many many ways to increase your earning power through further study or a job change. all you need is the confidence to do it. and it doenst sound like many people in your family ever say - you can achieve whatever you want to you. but you can.

your partner - i dont know where you live, so cant advise regarding different jobs. it is pretty crap to lose a job after just finding one. try not to look around at other peoples lives and regret yours. instead, focus on what you can both do in the here and now to make things better. your partner will eventually find a job - but perhaps he should consider changing profession
with a FAS course - learning a trade, or more skills so that he reduces his risk of being let go.

things are going to work out for you, if you keep strong, and dont beat up on yourself or your partner, you are trying your best. i know sometimes it feels like everyone else gets the breaks. keep your chin up and look for what you can do to turn things around.

Ishindar

hi op i was really sad to read your story. my feelign is its all about your Da's issues. everyone in familes feel pressure of some sort or another but Da's can feel it harder and clearer than everyone elese soemtimes . maybe your parents have a lot of issue sand arent as on the ball as they would like.
a word in your Da;s ear could be a good start.

WhiteWashMan

defo sounds like you feel as if you are living in the shadow of your family.

TBH, Id get out. When you lie so close to your family, and youre not close, then it can become an awful strain becuase you start to overanalyize everything that is said and everything that is done.

Move away, make a new start. your anxiety attacks are probably the result of the amount of stress that you have put yourself under, as are the sleepless nights etc.

A change of scenery, friends, a new job, and not having the constant attention of your family on you will probably give you a new lease of life.

DublinWriter

sooosad wrote: »

Some people seem to be so lucky. I mean there is a girl in the office here driving me nuts, simply because everything is going so well for her.

...and I think there lies the nub of your problem.

You seem to be 'worrying the bone' over other peoples' successes, almost to the point of begrudgery.

Your family is what is it, it is not an FA Football League with some people vying for the top slot and others facing relegation. Step out of yourself a little and try and objectively understand why they don't communicate with you as much as you think they should.

dr.bollocko

I think that because of the amount that you have struggled with life to try and sort out the basics, when you see others around you finding it easy financially, workwise, etc., that this is reinforcing a bitterness in you that could become terminal if you don't get out there and demand your own achievements rather than fretting about others.
Why would anyone stay in a minimum wage job? You leave one, you can always get another one right away anyway.


Aim higher for yourself than the coattails of other's who don't have the capacity to demand as much of life as you do because of your troubled past.

How Strange

OP, you seem to be very bitter about everything; like life and the world has dealt you the bad hand while everyone else' s lot is so much better than yours.

You also seem down trodden and completely unable to move on from the rut you've gotten yourself into.

I'd suggest you start taking stock of your life; you are only 28 so you have loads of time to change things. Be more assertive about your career and start looking out for jobs that interest you. If that means a career change then go for it. You are on minimum wage at the moment anyway so a career change is not going to mean you take a drop in wages.

Then get this thing with your family sorted out. Be honest with yourself and take an objective look at your behaviour. Why do your family treat you like this? Honestly ask yourself if its something that you are doing; a pattern of behaviour that you engage in around them. We probably act our worst around our family as they will take it off us. Either way, you need to change that dymanic but that change can only come from inside you.

The issue of your bf borrowing money from your father is, quite frankly, out of line and you should tell him he is never to do that again. Whether or not he sincerely forgot to pay him back the other half is neither here nor there. The fact is he borrowed money and then forgot to pay it back. He has to take responsibility for that. Then move on from it and don't use it as a cross to crucify yourself with.

Your post has bitter down trodden victim written all over it. You are envious of what other people have and you passively accept your lot without trying to change it. Running away won't solve the problem. You have to solve it yourself and then consider emigrating but as you are you will be just as bitter and down trodden in Australia or wherever as you are here.

You can change if you want to; everyone can. But the key is you have to want to change and you have to put in the hardwork that is needed to do that.

LegacyUser

Believe me, I do not feel sorry for myself. I have been in bad situations before, just not with my family, so hence I don’t know how to handle it.

I should have pointed out, last time my bf was unemployed he met my Dad by accident in the street (town). He was worried about paying bills etc and told my Dad this. He never asked my Dad for anything. He told him his problems. My Dad arrived to the house about an hour later with €800. A few weeks later he paid back €400. What actually happened was my bf thought he’d paid him back more than €400. According to my Dad he owed him €400. My bf was a little shocked, but agreed to pay back the €400.

I have warned him never to take a loan from family again.

I wouldn’t call myself a begrudger, but rather a realist. Sometimes we can hardly afford a slice pan of bread. Then there are people paying €8 for a lunch they only eat half of and Im there eating crusts. Everyone at work says “gosh arent you super organised bringing in your lunch?” Im like oh yeah! Reality is I cant afford to buy my lunch. Not even more so now my bf is out of work again. Celtic tiger made the rich richer and the poor poorer. Then when the poorer part of the country complain, we are called “begrudgers”. I have been doing things to try and get a better wage, but unemployment is going through the roof at the moment (for all ye fat cats out there) and a crappy job is better than no job.
You are right, I do need to distance myself from these people. Something someone said there made a lot of sense. You can lie too close, but not be close at all. That is my case in a nutshell.