"best" friend?

LegacyUser

Been having some problems with a friend of mine lately (we’ll call her Jane) and things all came to a head on New Year’s Eve.

Basically myself and my partner recently moved into a new place and decided to have some flat-warming drinks on New Year’s Eve. We invited our close friends including Jane and her fiancé, Pat. Now Jane had offered to come over early to help me set up and get food ready. The place is still a bit of a mess so I really appreciated the offer and told her that’d be great. She said she’d drop over before 4 as I had told people to come over any time after 7. Grand job.
4pm comes and goes and eventually she turns up, at 10pm. No mention of why she was late, she simply swanned in and got herself a drink and started chatting to the other guests. Now this wasn’t entirely surprising as she can be incredibly unreliable but had vowed to make a change as she knew people were getting a bit annoyed with it. Anyway, I said nothing about it as it was a party and I didn’t want to have any agro.

Anyway, later in the night I walked into my bedroom to use the en suite as someone was in the main bathroom and Jane and her fiancé Pat were in there while my partner was in the en suite. Pat (who wasn’t drinking) was arguing with Jane for being in the bedroom alone with my other half. I found this ridiculous as there is no hope of anything happening there. I told him how silly it was but he said he had a reason for his suspicions. It turns out that earlier in the night Jane had told Pat that my boyfriend wants her! Now while I found it ridiculous I was also annoyed that the person who calls herself my best friend would say such a thing to her other half. When I questioned her about it she denied it down to the ground while Pat stood there fuming and telling her to stop lying and that she did say it. I ended up walking away from it as I didn’t want an argument at the party.

Later in the night Pat came to me and said that Jane isn’t speaking to him because I’m “obviously annoyed with her” and he was getting the blame. He apologised for saying it and I told him not to worry and we’d sort it out.

Now I should probably point out that Jane and Pat have an incredibly tempestuous relationship. She is very high maintenance at times and has a vicious streak when drunk (she once thumped him in the side of the head for “acting stupid and embarrassing” her…and then he apologised to her) At another party of mine they had an argument and he ended up sitting outside the house in tears waiting for her to come out. I assumed he had left and driven home but it turns out he was sitting out there for 2 hours. When I asked her why she didn’t tell him to go home and she’d see him later she said “I like having him wait there for me.” I found that very cold. She likes to make him jealous too and I reckon that’s where this whole thing about my other half came from.

She’s 23 and they got engaged very quickly (after 5 months) and are getting married this year – they’ll be 2 years together after the wedding. She has asked me a few times if she’s making a mistake and I simply tell her that only she can answer that. To be honest I don’t want to touch that with a ten foot barge pole because it’s a no win situation.

So the next day she sent me a message saying how she couldn’t remember anything she had said or done at the party and she was going to change etc. I sent her one back telling her I was busy and wasn’t going to do this over text but if she has any issues in her relationship she needs to sort them out. I told her I didn’t appreciate her dragging myself and my boyfriend into whatever games she had been playing at the party. She sent me a barrage of messages telling me how she didn’t do anything wrong and when I told her what she said she told me it was lies. She then told me Pat never said it and that I was effectively making it up.

Anyway, this probably all seems a little silly and petty but I guess this episode has just been the final straw for me. I’d like to be able to sort it out with her but at the same time I don’t want to be taken for a mug. She seems to think that she can get plastered, fight with everyone and then do the “oh I’m so cute and stupid when I drink but you’ll forgive me ‘cause I’m saying sorry now but I’m going to do it again next time we go out.” I guess I’m just sick of her behaviour and the fact that she’s never there when I need someone to talk to but I’m expected to drop everything whenever she fancies a moan about anything. It’s all very one-sided and I honestly don’t have the energy anymore.

I’m also in a tricky position as I agreed to be her chief bridesmaid in June and am supposed to be organising her hen party for March. I really just don’t want to do it anymore but feel like I have to.

Sorry for the long and silly post, just needed to get all that out and hopefully someone can offer some advice on where to go from here.

Seraphina

Personally, i would arrange to meet her for lunch (somewhere quiet so she doesn't make a scene!) and tell her that you dont want to be her bridesmaid/do the hen party thing and tell her why.

cut contact and forget about her, she sounds like a self centred drama queen and will only stop acting like that when people start calling her out on it and stop inviting her to stuff. she needs to cop on and grow up. i feel sorry for this Pat chap, and i dont even know him!

randylonghorn

OP, I agree with Seraphina on this ... I do feel sorry for you, it can't be pleasant, but I feel much more sorry for Pat. Tbh, if I knew the guy, I would be telling him to run a mile.

She sounds like a spoilt self-centred brat, who doesn't really care who she hurts as long as she gets her own way and is the centre of attention. Do you really want to be the chief brideshead, knowing that her wedding and the period leading up to it will be full of drama and rows, and that you will be expected to deal with it, and be chief problem-solver and diplomat?

WhiteWashMan

hardly the friend.
drop her like a hot potato.

if youre like me, then you probably need high maintenance idiots in your life as much as jesus needs help getting up on a cross.

meet for lunch. tell her you dont appreciate her behaviour, its not on, and if she tells you that she hasnt done anything and that its all lies, tell her to find another bridesmaid, and dont talk to her again.

Miss Fluff

Believe me, her behaviour now is a mere shadow of the Bridzilla that will materialise over the next few months. Don't be a doormat, write her off your Christmas card list.

K_P

She sounds like an absolute nightmare, OP. There are a lot of things you could forgive a friend for doing, but dragging you and your partner into her mess of a relationship and then telling barefaced lies about how it never happened is going too far. Drop her.

Zombrex

Bleh_08 wrote: »

I’m also in a tricky position as I agreed to be her chief bridesmaid in June and am supposed to be organising her hen party for March. I really just don’t want to do it anymore but feel like I have to.

Sorry for the long and silly post, just needed to get all that out and hopefully someone can offer some advice on where to go from here.

There isn't a single thing in that entire post where she comes across as anything other than a manipulative, self-serving, self-obsessed bitch.

She uses you for what she can get, it sounds like a total one way relationship. It is always everyone else's fault, never hers. You are lying, her boyfriend is lying blah blah blah. She obviously doesn't care about you, only what you can do for her, so why should you care about her?

As someone else said, drop her like a hot potato. What you have described isn't fiendship

tbh

Bleh_08 wrote: »

She seems to think that she can get plastered, fight with everyone and then do the “oh I’m so cute and stupid when I drink but you’ll forgive me ‘cause I’m saying sorry now but I’m going to do it again next time we go out.” .

Why do you think she's like that, OP? is it because that's what happens?

seamus

Two words: Drama Queen.

She's never happy unless all the attention is focussed on her and she has some reason to bawl her eyes out or get angry.
Drama queens can never be "best friends" because ultimately they'll crap on you if it'll get them more attention.

They love having boyfriends who'll challenge them in an argument (thereby giving them a reason to cry and get angry) but who'll ultimately act like little lost puppies and sit outside on a step waiting for them.

You can be fairly sure that if you decide to not be her chief bridesmaid, it'll be used as another episode for her to bawl and cry and get attention and you'll be painted as the bitch who ditched her in her hour of need, and you'll lose her as a friend. Which wouldn't be a bad thing IMO.
Tell her that you can no longer put up with her ****. The type of person she is means that she'll never admit to being wrong, so there is no way for you to keep her as a friend *and* get her to change. I've met enough of this type of idiot to know.

milkerman

Oh ffs, this woman is clearly a complete waste of time and dangerous to be around. Do 'Pat' a favour & tell him to wise up and cut all further contact with this wagon.
'a vicious streak when drunk ' - You mean that alcohol exposes what is probably there all the time - a class act.

Beruthiel

Seraphina wrote: »

Personally, i would arrange to meet her for lunch (somewhere quiet so she doesn't make a scene!) and tell her that you dont want to be her bridesmaid/do the hen party thing and tell her why.

cut contact and forget about her, she sounds like a self centred drama queen and will only stop acting like that when people start calling her out on it and stop inviting her to stuff. she needs to cop on and grow up. i feel sorry for this Pat chap, and i dont even know him!

I have to echo the above. She needs a wake up call and you don't need 'friends' like that. You'll be better off without her.

kmick

Sometimes friends can be stupid and annoying and you really feel like telling them to get lost. Then the next time you meet them you have such a good time you forget all the bad stuff cause they are worth it.

So here is the question - is she worth it?

If the answer is yes i.e. the good times make you forget about the bad, then maybe it is worth salvaging.

If the answer is no - the bad times are too frequent and the good times just aint that good then perhaps it is over.

If its over do whatever you need to do in as pleasant as way as possible for yourself to extricate yourself.

If its not over then be her bridesmaid. Good friends are hard to find in this world.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

Why do you think she's like that, OP? is it because that's what happens?

Yep, you're right. She's been let away with it for far too long and it always seemed easier to let it go than to have a row. She does it because she knows she'll get away with it.

kmick wrote:

Good friends are hard to find in this world.

You're right, they are. And she's had a very good friend in me for the last 4 years. I don't want to paint myself as a martyr here as we all have our moments, but I've always made time for her, listened to her, given her advice when she asked for it. I rarely got it back in return. I'm generally used as the agony aunt amongst my friends and while it's great that they trust me and want to talk to me, it'd be nice if someone repaid the favour. You'd expect someone who calls herself my best friend would, but she doesnt.

Oh forgot to mention, after the episode at the party she decided to tell everyone that my other half was planning to propose to me this year! She stood there saying "Oooh you're going to get the biggest surprise ever when you guys go on holiday this year!" and then started waggling her ring-finger at me. Now, I love my other half and hope that we will get engaged some day but I'd lke for it to be a surprise. I asked him about it and he said he had no idea where she got that from. I just can't handle the bullshít anymore.

I reckon the general consensus on this thread is correct and a big chat needs to be had.
Seamus is right, I will be painted as the bitch if I drop out of the wedding but I guess it's time I started looking out for myself.

Thanks for all the advice guys.

clawsthefirst

OP, I was in the exact same situation as you about two years ago, as in I was meant to be chief bridesmaid at best friends wedding but her behaviour meant I could barely stand the sight of her let alone do the whole bridesmaid thing. Long story short, I told her that I couldn't honestly be part of her wedding or be friends with her anymore- I felt like a garden shed of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders, she went mad and appartently wanted to wool the head off me for "ruining" her wedding (it was a year beforehand when I told her!). You will be painted as a bitch (like I was) but you'll never be able to forgive yourself for not having the courage of your convictions if you go through with it. Anyhow, the people who know what the friend of yours is like will admire you for standing up for yourself. So be brave and have a talk with her!

jellie

You need to make it clear that her behaviour is not acceptable & will not be tolerated. that sounds a bit like im telling you how to teach a child how to behave but i dont see theres much difference in this case. two things in particular:
1. Getting drunk is no excuse for her actions
2. Involving you & your bf in her rows & personal affairs is completely out of line
Im sure you know this, but i think its important to make this clear to her whether you want to continue the friendship or not. To me she sounds more effort than shes worth.

Bleh_08 wrote: »

She’s 23 and they got engaged very quickly (after 5 months) and are getting married this year – they’ll be 2 years together after the wedding. She has asked me a few times if she’s making a mistake and I simply tell her that only she can answer that. To be honest I don’t want to touch that with a ten foot barge pole because it’s a no win situation.

I find this really weird. Im 23, with my boyfriend a year & a half & while weddings, babies, etc have come up from time to time neither of us is ready for any of that stuff yet, & i know my friends are the same. maybe in 2 or 3 years. Now i know theres people younger than me married & maybe im just weird, but it sounds like she just wants her big day & all the attention of it more than wanting the poor pat guy.
maybe you should email pat a link to this thread & see if he takes the advice to run! :P

Toots

Seraphina wrote: »

Personally, i would arrange to meet her for lunch (somewhere quiet so she doesn't make a scene!) and tell her that you dont want to be her bridesmaid/do the hen party thing and tell her why.

cut contact and forget about her, she sounds like a self centred drama queen and will only stop acting like that when people start calling her out on it and stop inviting her to stuff.

+1, although I would prepare yourself for the possibility that she may well make a scene regardless of the location, cos she seems to enjoy the attention.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Believe me, her behaviour now is a mere shadow of the Bridzilla that will materialise over the next few months. Don't be a doormat, write her off your Christmas card list.

Think about it, depending on when the wedding is, this kind of behaviour could go on for months, and with you being cheif bridesmaid you'll end up having to deal with most of it. Do you really want to put yourself through all that hassle? I have to agree with the other posters here; it may seem cold but you need to look out for number one here! Tell her you can't be her bridesmaid. If the situation were reversed what do you think she'd do?

Overheal

If Bridesmaid is the only reason youre still friends then CUT HER OUT.

I hear its a dream to be the bridesmaid and all that but lets be reasonable: can you honestly endorse that marriage?

Do you have any other obligations to being friends with her? Is she a work colleague or something? Did she save your life and hold your hand for 3 days while you were in a coma? If the answer to any of these questions is no: I hand you the relationship scissors.

She has real issues to sort out for herself and she won't do that if the people around her continue to validate the things she does. Pledges for change aren't enough: don't speak to her again until real change occurs.

littlebitdull

It can be painful and hurtful to have to drop people out of your life. Especially when you feel they are friends ...

I have had to do this myself - well it was last year now - I had three 'friends' who I knew where just not doing me as a person any good.

So I stoped seeing them. It was actually harder than breaking up with a boyfriend. In that i simply stopped contacting these people.

But there is less grief in my life.

You have to decide if you need the level of stress and hastle in your life from this woman. You and only you can answer this.

If I was you, I would cut her out of my life. I would tell her so, for my own peace of mind, as I would feel with having agreed to be the bridesmaid I would owe it to myself not to leave someone in the lurch. I would be doing that for my own peace of mind, not hers. To be honest she sounds like trouble.

And poor Pat .. .hopefully he will realise it too sooner rather than later.

estar

before you dump her as a friend do poor pat a favour and tell him to run while he can

spinandscribble

could it be she just thought he fancied her (vainity) and he took her into the bedroom to ask her about proposing to you? she still sounds like a head case but...

estar

i know she was a bad friend to you and all

but poor pat. i feel so sorry for him marrying such a witch.

at least you can cut your losses. i have cut a few friends like this
one. one didnt turn up for the birthday party i was throwing for her
but phoned me to tell me she had gotten drunk in the pub instead.

its just a basic lack of respect. i ended the friendship the day
i phoned her with a big problem, and she told me she was out
for drinks and couldnt talk to me. i had helped her move house
with my car twice that year at short notice.

i just stopped responding to texts. it wasnt that hard. i didnt bother
telling her the truth about why i was. she probably told everyone
i was a b*tch. i couldnt care less. one of our mutual friends doenst
get in contact as much, which is a pity. but life is too short to let
others walk on you. my life is far more stress free without her in my
life. friendships are give and take not take and take and take.

poor old pat.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote: »

could it be she just thought he fancied her (vainity) and he took her into the bedroom to ask her about proposing to you? she still sounds like a head case but...

Maybe she does think he fancies her. I'm still very upset that she would be so callous towards both me and her fiance. If I thought my friends boyfriend fancied me I'd be saying nothing unless he made a move. And before anyone says it, I genuinely believe that would never happen. My boyfriend has very little time for Jane's behaviour.

As for him bringing her into the bedroom to talk about a proposal - definitely not. I saw them head for the bedroom, it was like a race to see who could get to the bathroom first. She won and then when she came out of the bathroom my boyfriend went in, just as Pat came in.(The other half filled me in on that score) I came in a few minutes later and saw the argument.

My boyfriend knows how upet I was about the whole proposal thing and I know that he would be honest if he had said something to her. He definitely wouldn't let me be píssed off at Jane about something if it wasn't necessary.

I got an email from Jane today which consisted of "I miss you. I know you don't want to talk to me but I wanted to see how you are. I'm worried about you xxx"

Bleh. I have so much other stuff going on that I really can't bring myself to make this a top priority and I guess I want to just bury my head in the sand. I know I need to sort it out though, particularly with the wedding in 6 months time.

Oh and you guys are right about Pat. The poor guy is the most hen-pecked fella I've ever encountered and they're only together a year and a half. He's a nice guy but he lets her away with absolute murder.

Thanks again for all the replies guys. Glad I'm not over-reacting

K_P

Bleh_08 wrote: »

"I miss you. I know you don't want to talk to me but I wanted to see how you are. I'm worried about you xxx"

Translation: I know I messed up but don't have the balls to apologise and admit I was wrong. Instead I'll feign worry for no reason whatsoever and hope you're back to do my bidding soon.

Don't bother yourself with her. The only thing I'd say is if you do want to drop out of the wedding (and in all fairness, you've pretty good reason to want to ), do it as soon as possible.

annemarie13

POOR PAT! she made the guy cry thats not on.i think you should chat with pat because maybe he cant call of the wedding because hes scared wat she could do to him.poor pat
my friend is just like yours,say they will do something and then dont,think there the best and can boss there boyfriend around.i bet ya every mirrior she sees when your out 2getr she looks into,fixing her hair and make-up
shes a biatch-drop her down gently after the wedding

Matt Santos

Get out now!
All the other posts are saying the same thing and everybody cant be wrong!!

The Chief Bridesmaid thing is really worrying. A duty of that post is the signing of the registrar. Do you feel 100% comfortable taking on that responsibility?
Its one thing organising the hen party but in years to come when this marriage is inevitably on the rocks and heading for the toilet it will be your signature and endorsement that will still be on that cert.

Matt

happybee

I think the best thing to do is to be straight and say "Look,you over-stepped the mark.And I'd rather see a little less of you for the next while".Dont waste your time going into detail,or trying to make her feel better.Just be straight,and keep it simple.Because its much more effective in the long run.And most importantly,youre actually looking out for yourself in this case and thats whats the priority is at the moment.
She obviously dominates you in the relationship,and you obviously take it.So break the pattern and take control for your own sake.

p.s. and be straight about the bridesmaid thing aswell: "Look,I really respect that you asked me,but I dont want to do it anymore.Thanks"
Keep it simple simple simple is the key with people like this.

LegacyUser

Sorry to jump into this thread but I find my other half is in a similar situation with her "Best Friend". It's as if this so called best friend only appeards when theres another Drama in her life and expects my other half to jump and do her bidding. This wasn't a problem for my other half at first but know she is sick to the back teeth of it. Her "best friend" will ring at all hours of the night even though we have a young child and will ring mobiles if the house phone is not answered.She constantly lies, and recently started a huge argument with a couple who are mutual friends (they have recently resolved some relationship problems). It's as if she needs to have something going on in her life so she has something to talk to others about. My other half knows she is a Drama Queen of the highest order but has no idea how to talk to her about it. She doesn't want me to say anything to her as she feels she needs to sort this out and to be honest I'm not the most tactful in these situations "Cop on to yourself" would be the jist of my message to her, so any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

Again apologies for jumping on th the thread it just seems to be a very similar issue.

Lollipops23

I've been in a similar situation myself OP, and the only option is to cut contact to a bare minimum. It sounds as if her and "Pat" have a terribly abusive relstionship(both physically and mentally. Can you imagine how she'll behave at her wedding when she's had a few??

You need to stand up and tell her that until she grows up and stops being such a drama queen,you're just not going to see her. Tell her to find another Made of Honour/Hen Party organiser. Perhaps when you've told her how much hurt she's caused you, your partner and "Pat" she'll be shocked into changing her ways, instead of just talking about it.

I know exactly how upsetting and frustrating situations like this can be,good luck:)

Toots

K_P wrote: »

Translation: I know I messed up but don't have the balls to apologise and admit I was wrong. Instead I'll feign worry for no reason whatsoever and hope you're back to do my bidding soon.

Don't bother yourself with her. The only thing I'd say is if you do want to drop out of the wedding (and in all fairness, you've pretty good reason to want to ), do it as soon as possible.

+1, Despite the fact that she's obviously a bit of a cow, backing out of the wedding at the last minute would be a really sh!tty thing to do. It would also give her ammunition for bitching and gossipping about you for years to come to mutual friends. At least you can retain the moral high ground by giving her time to find a replacement.

LegacyUser

Toots85 wrote: »

+1, Despite the fact that she's obviously a bit of a cow, backing out of the wedding at the last minute would be a really sh!tty thing to do. It would also give her ammunition for bitching and gossipping about you for years to come to mutual friends. At least you can retain the moral high ground by giving her time to find a replacement.

Wedding is still a year away, so not very last minute.... Get rid of her and tell Pat to run run and never look back.... sounds like very unhealthy relationship to me

LegacyUser

Well, I sat down after reading this thread a few times and I sent Jane an email explaining that I felt it wouldn't be right for me to be her bridesmaid given the way things are at the moment.

I told her that if things were going to improve between us, forcing the issue for the sake of the wedding would just cause more damage as there would still be unresolved issues and things would more than likely blow up between us again.

She replied and told me she understood. Grand.

So I sent a quick text to the other 2 bridesmaids, also friends of mine, and literally said, "hey guys, you may know already but thought I should tell you that I told Linda I won't be her bridesmaid. She seemed ok with it." That is literally, word for word the message I sent.

The following day I got an other mail from Jane basically tearing me a new one over telling people that she "doesn't give a shít" Suffice it to say I was fairly surprised. She sent me a big rant about how she does care and she is upset and that I've upset the organisation of the wedding and just because she isn't throwing her toys out of the pram doesn't mean she doesn't care, so how dare I say otherwise and how dare I comment on her relationship (I had told her to sort her shít out before the wedding because they clearly have stuff they need to work out)....yadda yadda rant rant...

Anyway, I replied and firmly put her in her place...particularly over my alleged upsetting of the organisation. You see, the dresses aren't bought..hell she hasn't even picked a colour yet! It's also most definitely not a case of needing 3 bridesmaids to match the 3 groomsmen because she has been trying to come up with an excuse to get rid of one of the other bridesmaids, Lisa, since she asked her when she was drunk and now regrets it.

Anyway, having spoken to the other 2 bridesmaids, it turns out that the other one, Sarah, met Jane for a drink and had a big chat. Fair enough I thought, I don't want anyone to fall out over this and I'm sure Jane needed someone to talk to. However, it turns out that Sarah's idea of being supportive to both people is to agree with whoever she is speaking to at the time. She managed to stir it up big time. I'm not overly surprised because I knew the shít would hit the fan when I made the decision....still sucks though.

Anyway, just thought I'd update you all and thank you again for the good advice. Despite the stress of the impending fall out, I do feel slightly better about my decision not to be her bridesmaid. It may the final nail in the coffin of our "friendship" but it's probably for the best.

Thanks

spinandscribble

ugh everyones got a sarah as a friend who means well but causes more trouble then they mean. congrats though, sounds like its sorted!

LegacyUser

OP I was in a similar situation wiht a friend whom I was her bridesmaid. We had been friends for years but in recent years she had become unbearable and in the run up to the wedding this escalated beyond belief. Instead of sitting down with her a few months before the wedding and saying I want out I went along thinking I was doing the right thing. Anyway to cut a long storey short, things blew up v close to the wedding and the truth poured out. This resulted in me no longer being her bridesmaid a month before the wedding(her decision as much as mine, home truths didn't go down well!). I was painted as the biggest b*tch walking for doing this to her so close before the wedding even though she had made my life misery for almost 2 years. In saying that I cannot put into words the relief that I felt and now she's gone from my life, I couldn't be happier. I just wished I did it earlier. My advice would be to talk to her asap. See if it can be fixed, if not walk away and don't look back! Good luck whatever you do.

AARRRGH

estar wrote: »

but poor pat. i feel so sorry for him marrying such a witch.

He's choosing to marry her. He doesn't need/deserve our sympathy.

K_P

Fair play OP. It can't have been easy doing what you did, but I'm sure it'll be worth it. From now on, you can be a casual observer of her and her madness, instead of being stuck in the middle of it.

Toots

Well done OP, I know it's tough now, but when it all blows over you'll see that you did the right thing. I wouldn't be surprised if Jane ends up with no bridesmaids on the day if this is how she's carrying on. :rolleyes: You're better off without her in your life, and you will feel better as time goes on. It's normal to feel bad now, especially with all the negative crap flying around. Try to put it to the back of your mind, and if I were you, I'd avoid this Sarah for the forseeable future too. The best thing for you is to have no further contact with Jane, so the last thing you need is Sarah adding fuel to the fire, leading to Jane sending you more email rants.

As I said, well done, and look after yourself