Lonely

LegacyUser

Hi all! I'm a 38 year old guy who cannot find a girlfriend. I have had just one relationship that could be called a relationship. It lasted three months, but I had to break it off, as the lady was extremely temperamental, and as a very laid back and easy going guy, I couldn't see a future with someone who would fly off the handle regularly for no reason other than state of mind.

I am a dull guy. I am very steady, very reliable, quiet, shy, conservative, but with a great sense of humour, and a very relaxed manner. I have no interest in socialising, drinking, clubbing, sports, adventure, or following the herd.

I have trawled all the dating websites, but in all the thousands of ladies profiled at this very moment, I would say there are NONE I would see myself getting on with, or getting on with me. Most girls online are looking for either great looks, or a drinking party animal, or a sporty type, or a guy who goes bungee jumping and scuba diving. Otherwise they are very career focussed, and looking for the same in a guy, a successful, ambitious type, which I will never be. Or they smoke, which simply turns my stomach.

The advice I have read from similar situations, would seem to be either to try to sell myself more, which I cannot do honestly without pretending I am something I am not, or to join more activities, which I cannot do unless I am genuinely interested in what they involve. A good friend recommends I take up dancing classes, for example, where there are lots of single girls. But I HATE dancing, and again, would be pretending to be interested in something I am not. The things I am interested in, tend to be male only occupations.

My ideal girl, in an ideal world, would be a quiet, shy girl, who is not hugely ambitious, not hung up on money or materialism, and who values her home life, and a reliable guy to be there for her always without smothering her, but without cheating on her or messing her around. Believe me, after all those years of yearning for the right relationship, I won't be throwing it away for silly flings!

My question for the board is, where do I MEET such a girl? Definitely not in the pub on a Saturday night! After three years on dating websites, definitely not there either! I can't just sidle up to a pretty girl in the history section in Easons as a complete stranger and chat her up, without security being called! Likewise in the library, or over the frozen meals in Tesco. The very nature of the girl I'd love to meet, is shy and retiring.

And I'm kindof lonely...

JuliusCaesar

LonelyLonely wrote: »

Hi all! I'm a 38 year old guy who cannot find a girlfriend. ............
I have no interest in socialising, drinking, clubbing, sports, adventure, or following the herd...................
My ideal girl, in an ideal world, would be a quiet, shy girl, who is not hugely ambitious, not hung up on money or materialism, and who values her home life ...............,
where do I MEET such a girl? ...................
I can't just sidle up to a pretty girl in the history section in Easons as a complete stranger and chat her up, without security being called! Likewise in the library, or over the frozen meals in Tesco. The very nature of the girl I'd love to meet, is shy and retiring.
And I'm kindof lonely...

the only way of meeting a girlfriend is to meet people.
You must have some interests.
Yes you can talk to complete strangers - do you think that's a good book? Have you heard anything about it? Have you read that author before? Is that a good dinner? What do you think of this one? Can you advise me as to what I should get for myself? type questions are not going to have anyone screaming for security.

nocal

Have you considered getting involved in some voluntary work? Supposedly a great way of meeting people. And you get to so something worthwhile also.
I would pick something that you have some interest in (if it is animals then get involved with an animal charity).

I have also known a lot of single people who have taken up hillwalking in their 30's, so that might also be an idea.

The more people that you meet - well it can begin to snowball and you will meet others. So just be as open and friendly as you can be and hopefully you will be surprised with what happens. I'll be rooting for you!!!

Overheal

The friendlier and open you are, the more people you meet. Then the more people respect you; and that seems to attract women like mad. Cars and money aren't the only status symbol and making friendships can be as affordable as you make it.

HJL

Maybe do an evening course of some decription. ECDL or Sage classes would almost certainly be mainly female attended. And if you already know this kinda stuff, then you have the advantage of helping the ones out that dont know how to do it!
Its just one example, and even if you dont meet any potential partners at least you can get used to casually talking to other new people in a small group in a relaxed environment.

Nocal suggested hillwalking, i think that is a good one because its like a jack of all trades hobby, you dont need to be a health freak to like a bit of a walk. Plus random scenary is a good conversation starter.

WhiteWashMan

LonelyLonely wrote: »

which I cannot do unless I am genuinely interested in what they involve..

why not do something that interests you then?

bogzilla

all i want to say is that i was in your position not so long ago.

i met a great girl and things are going great slowly.

have faith in yourself ... you sound like a sound bloke ... it will happen believe me ...

good luck ... it happened to me so it WILL happen to you

LegacyUser

By all means follow other suggestions, but you never know when the dating websites will pay off, it did for me, you do have to read profiles carefully and persevere.

Lipperes

Hey there,

I am going out with someone who is very similar to the way you describe yourself..he's really laid back and relaxed about life..he's an amazing guy so don't worry you'l meet someone who's likes your type aswell!

To meet the kinda girl you're looking for my advise is to get out there and do things even if its not really your cup of tea! such as clubbing or socialising. That shy girl might just be doing it also to meet someone.

My one piece of advice is if you meet someone you like, even if you hardly know her, but there's a spark, then ask her for her number! if she's a nice girl she'l be flattered you asked and it might just lead to something...

Best luck x

AARRRGH

You need to decide what's more important to you: meeting someone or being so true to yourself that you show no interest in anything and remain single.

Is it possible your lack of interest in things is just actually depression?

I would really recommend joining the gym (does wonders for the mind as well as the body!) and taking up some kind of hobby which interests you.

You're only going to meet people by getting yourself out there.

Could you get involved in something like PETA or a pro-Palestine organisation? They're always full of women...

Gemini Sister

Ok. The honest reply:

A. Just what ARE you interested in? Don't wanna sound like a b*tch but girls like guys who are enthusiastic about stuff. It shows passion.

B. You do sound a bit picky TBH. You have very set idea of the kind of girl you like? You are shy retiring man; you want shy retiring woman. Don't sound like you're edging too far out of your comfort zone (it comes off sounding a bit controlling TBH). Bizarrely two of my mates are scarily outgoing confident women but they've both chosen quiet men. Maybe keep an open mind.

As for the single thing. IMHO one clicks with about one in 20 members of the opposite sex. So aim for quantity. To achieve this, it doesn't really matter if you join a club or go clubbing. Just keep GETTING OUT THERE!

(There's lotsa ladies in their 30's looking for someone exactly your age & with your temperment but they won't find you if you're not AROUND (somewhere!)

Gemini Sister

dublindude wrote: »

Could you get involved in something like PETA or a pro-Palestine organisation? They're always full of women...

Thats very funny. Or maybe some organisation for saving little fluffy baby seals

But here's a sure bet:

YOGA classes are 80% full of women. And 50% of those women are mega-fit. If I was a single man....

my advice.. join a gym. You wouldn't believe how good you'd feel after a workout even if its 15 min's on the treadmill. i joined my work gym the other day, i felt like a million dollars after the workout. plenty of fit women there too.

Seth Brundle

LonelyLonely wrote: »

The things I am interested in, tend to be male only occupations.

Like what and are you sure? I have been involved in many things that would largely be considered 'male only', e.g. motorsport marshaling. Plenty of women there!
Whatever you are interested in, get involved in it. From that you may find a social life that you don't know about. Its not difficult to get involved in different activities if you want to.

LegacyUser

I'm ten years older than you and in a similar situation.

I have been involved in several activities, a member of several clubs and societies and never got to meet Miss Right.Like yourself I had one ever serious relationship which fizzled out.

However I am extremely happy with life - have plenty of friends and really enjoy my own company. Being single has it upsides too, you are very much your own boss and can come and go as you please. I know many married people who wish they were single again without all the hassle. The grass is always greener on the other side.

AARRRGH

Salsa dancing... Samsara on sunday, it's supposed to be really good.

Talliesin

LonelyLonely wrote: »

I am a dull guy.

I know you said you didn't really feel you can sell yourself more, but I'm sure you can do better than that.

LonelyLonely wrote: »

The things I am interested in, tend to be male only occupations.

After racking my brains the only male-only forums for interaction I can think of are gay saunas and the Freemasons (some golf clubs and gentleman's clubs are still men only, but join a different club and you're sorted). Assuming you aren't trying to find girls in gay saunas, I suggest you join the Co-masons.

Actually, I started writing the above as an opening joke for a different point, but now I think about it co-masonry might not be the worse idea - serious, solid ("serious, solid" is much better than "dull") people being viewed as good candidates, it might be ideal.

Yep. That's it, I'm not going to bother with the rest of what I was going to write, join the co-masons.

WhiteWashMan

WhiteWashMan wrote: »

why not do something that interests you then?

I'd never find a like-minded woman at an IRRS meeting or an enthusiasts railtour. So I know exactly how the OP feels. My interests just tend to be things that don't interest the opposite sex or maybe even bores them.

Bulmers

LonelyLonely wrote: »

I am a dull guy. I am very steady, very reliable, quiet, shy, conservative, but with a great sense of humour, and a very relaxed manner.

how do u know uv a great sense of humour??...not being smart but just wondering how people rate themselves in comic stakes.....

Overheal

dublindude wrote: »

You need to decide what's more important to you: meeting someone or being so true to yourself that you show no interest in anything and remain single.

That quote worries me: youre saying you cant stay true to yourself to meet someone of significance?

kitt13

LonelyLonely wrote: »

I can't just sidle up to a pretty girl in the history section in Easons as a complete stranger and chat her up, without security being called! Likewise in the library, or over the frozen meals in Tesco. The very nature of the girl I'd love to meet, is shy and retiring.

And I'm kindof lonely...

I had a guy sidle up to me in Easons with success. He probably was someone I would have normally not ever met otherwise. (He used the book I was holding in my hand as a way to start conversation.) It took a bit of persuading and he totally left it in my hands by giving me his number but made it clear he was very, very interested in me. Really, how do you say "no" to someone like that?

You have to be willing to take the initiative and be a bit assertive, especially if the woman is shy. If you're going to run at the first bit of hesitation on her part, well, you're not going to get anywhere.

Best of luck!

WhiteWashMan

Karsini wrote: »

I'd never find a like-minded woman at an IRRS meeting or an enthusiasts railtour. So I know exactly how the OP feels. My interests just tend to be things that don't interest the opposite sex or maybe even bores them.

who says youd find someone at something like that, but then again, who says you wouldnt.

its about getting out and doing something that you want to do. you often meet people when you least expect it, but it beats sitting at home masturbating your life away.

ballymary

dont take this up as a joke-but seriously-if you are looking for a quiet girl who isnt into material things, excessive drinking or sports-i would say try knock marraige bureau or some place like that-apparently their membership has increased alot over the last few yrs...good luck

JuliusCaesar

Well, LonelyLonely, will you consider giving any of these suggestions a go?
1. Talk to people in Easons & Tesco - security won't be called (unless you're making improper suggestions!)
2. Join somthing. You must be able to tweak your interests to somthing that the opp sex get involved in. (What on earth is the IRRS???) Hillwalking, salsa, evening classes, yoga....there's loads of stuff going on out there.
3. Knock marriage bureau.
4. Never describe yourself as DULL!!! You may be a homebird, but to me the dullest people are those only interested in getting smashed.

thedude52

It sounds like you have serious self confidence issues. You might consider trying some physcotherapy sessions which could help reframe the way you view yourself and the world around you. As others have suggested going to the gym can be a great confidence booster.

People who say that "shes not my type" or whatever are really only protecting themselves from the possibility that the interaction might not go down well. You never know what a person is really like until you actually meet them, and a lot of the time peoples "ideal match" in their head is far different to who they end up falling for in real life.

You should try a little harder to find something that excites you, its a big world out there! If you dont like sports maybe you could try a more indvidual sport that isnt based around competition, like surfing or mountain biking or something. There are plenty of other hobbies out there to try. Not every woman is looking for action man.

You CAN approach people in a book shop or the supermarket, its purely a matter of confidence and having a warm freindly vibe when you approach.

At the risk of sounding like a broken down record, try these links...

http://juggler.thecharismaticman.com/ (book shop approach)
www.charismaarts.com
www.realsocialdynamics.com
www.stylelife.com