Friend problems

LegacyUser

Im having a bit of a problem with my friends at the mo. Basically almost all my friends are attatched or some married at this stage wheras I have been single for a good four years now. I often get the impression that my friends are quite happy with me being single and would be quite annoyed If I did find love. I sometimes complain how much I would like to meet someone but they never offer to set me up with someone or go out to meet guys as I have done with them in the past.
Im very succesful in what I do,im very attractive and independant,I state these not to big myself up but just as facts but Im a very nice,gentle person. I have started to think that maybe my friends are jealous of me in all the other aspects of my life and so dont want me to find happiness in the love aspect of my life.
Since I dont go out to often when we're on nights out I like chatting to guys and often have guys coming over to chat me up.Usually my friends will be rude to them and say 'girls only'.Yet Im single and I like talking to men as I want to find someone to be happy with. Its got to the stage where I dont want to go out with my friends anymore as Im sick of hearing how perfect they are with their OH while they know I remain single.
Im not a very confrontational person so I was wondering should I say something to them or do you think their attitude shows that they dont care as much about me as I do about them as I always comforted them when they felt down about being single and now their quite content seeing me single forever?

minidazzler

I agree with you that they are jealous.

Alot of them would probably love to be able to chat up guys just for a laugh but they know they shouldnt so they wont.

I think you should go out again and when they say "Girls Only" Say something like Ok Girls "Thank god I am a woman" laugh and then let the guy buy you a drink.

It could work and they will be extra jealous/

Do not sleep with him though cos then they will simply call you a slvt.

I believe they are jealous because of your personal freedom and you are jealous because they have husbands.

Its a bad situation but you need to rectify it.

estar

Single female wrote: »

Im having a bit of a problem with my friends at the mo. Basically almost all my friends are attatched or some married at this stage wheras I have been single for a good four years now. I often get the impression that my friends are quite happy with me being single and would be quite annoyed If I did find love. I sometimes complain how much I would like to meet someone but they never offer to set me up with someone or go out to meet guys as I have done with them in the past.

i imagine they wouldnt be annoyed if you found love, unless they are very bad friends. only you can decide that.


Im very succesful in what I do,im very attractive and independant,I state these not to big myself up but just as facts but Im a very nice,gentle person. I have started to think that maybe my friends are jealous of me in all the other aspects of my life and so dont want me to find happiness in the love aspect of my life.



Since I dont go out to often when we're on nights out I like chatting to guys and often have guys coming over to chat me up.Usually my friends will be rude to them and say 'girls only'.Yet Im single and I like talking to men as I want to find someone to be happy with. Its got to the stage where I dont want to go out with my friends anymore as Im sick of hearing how perfect they are with their OH while they know I remain single.
Im not a very confrontational person so I was wondering should I say something to them or do you think their attitude shows that they dont care as much about me as I do about them as I always comforted them when they felt down about being single and now their quite content seeing me single forever?

people sometimes get used to others being a certain way, and resent
them changing, especially if they fulfill a certain role for them. if your friends are rude to someone chatting you up, then you should say - sorry, its not
girls only, I like chatting to men, do you mind,

if you are consistant in this approach, then they should learn to respect your
boundaries. being gentle doesnt have to mean not being assertive when your
boundaries are being infringed.

i would suggest that you have more nights out with single friends, and if
you don't have them, make them. you do get into a certain mindset when
you are going out with someone a long time, and perhaps lose touch with
the realities of being single, and searching for that certain someone.
you dont have to write off your settled friends, just meet up wth them less
often and be more selfish when you do. look out for number one without
stepping on anyone else while you do it, its what your friends are doing
by chasing off single men on a night out, so dont feel bad doing this yourself.

i wouldnt bother raising this issue with your friends. instead I would handle it by taking on all instances where they block or dont encourage your search for a partner. if you ask - do you have any single friends, and they say - no,
remind them of when you supported them in the same way, and say - i could use some support. this avoids the confrontational show down, but still
allows you to express your needs.

and if your friends dont fulfill this need, find new friends that do, while still
maintaining the old relationships.

some relationships wax and wane with changing circumstances. the good college friends sometimes disappear during the first years of work, but re-enter after a few years again. friends from our childhood can re-surface years later. its natural for different friendships to have different levels of
importance depending on what stage you are at respectively.

instead of looking at your friends and asking - why arent they helping me it may be more constructive to look around you and see how you can help yourself to find that relationship. that is more positive than suspecting your
existing friends of jealousy.

most people are jealous of other people, but if your existing friends really are
sabotaging all your efforts to hook up, then dont involve them in all your efforts. make efforts to make new friends, through work, through social clubs, the ladies lounge section of boards, volunteering, there are lots of
ways to widen your circle of friends and so your opportunities to meet new
prospective partners.

LegacyUser

Yeah I dont have many single female friends or that many friends in general,only about 6 close ones. I think thats why I have avoided confronation with them on this issue as If I alienate my friends then I wont have anyone to hang out with. But at the moment Im not evry happy with my friends

estar

are you more unhappy with your existing friends or the fact that you havent achieved something you really want yet, and they have?

how is your energy going to be best spent - pursuing this issue with your friends, or finding new opportunities and ways to meet single friends or single
men?

although everyone can get resentful of others, i know i often have, i have personally found that the most productive use of my time is usually the best way of proceeding.

which would mean to me not have an arguement with your friends for not
meeting every friendship need you have, but rather finding new friends that meet your need to share being single.

estar

if you accept your friends behaviour without any protest, then you facilitate it.

its like toilet training a dog in a way - bring these things up ages after they happen and you risk being labelled irrational and not being listened to.

wait until they happen again and address them at that very time and you are usually listened to unless they are totally unreasonable in which case, find new friends and keep in touch with the old ones.

at the end of the day it is your responsibility to find a partner. all you can ask from your friends is to wish you well. rather than picking fights with them concentrate on new ways to meet your goal of meeting more people.

you are an ambitious driven woman - you are very capable of making new friends and taking up new challenges.

at the end of the day this is just my opinion. i dont know your friends. they could be a coven of B8tches for all i know. just giving my perspective.

nocal

Personally I would set the expectations at the beginning of the night - or when you arrange to go out with your friends. I would not confront them on this issue because as you say you do not want to alienate them.
All you have to do is tell them at the beginning of the night that if you want to be rescued from un-wanted male attention you will say something or give a signal - or head off to the loo. If they pipe in with something when you are receiving wanted attention then just let them know that you are alright with the attention that you are receiving.
Finally it sounds like any guy who is worthy of you will be sociable and friendly towards your friends.

Faith

I imagine that they love having you all to themselves, and don't want to have to share you with your boyfriend. I'm in a somewhat similar situation - my best friend and I are very close, but when she started going out with her boyfriend 18 months ago, I got pushed to the sideline. Even though I study abroad and am only home once every few months, she'll still choose to see him over me. I'm expected to just accept this, and I do. However, she told me drunkenly over the summer that she sees me as "hers". I can have other friends and all that, but at the end of the day I "belong" to her. She's become weird about me meeting a guy. I think that she just wants to keep me for herself - if I had a boyfriend, my time would get divided and she wouldn't have me on tap when she wants me.

I'd imagine it's a similar situation with your friends. They're happy in their relationships, but they want to have their cake and eat it, too. They want to be able to have you on call and know you'll be there to go out with them if they want. If you were in a relationship, it would jeopardise that. It's a purely selfish thing on their part, and you need to start acting independantly of them. Persue a relationship yourself, don't wait for them to start introducing you to their friends, because they won't.

Overheal

I see this differently from the other posters....

For one, I need to question what you're really basing this on? I don't know anyone who doesn't want to see their friends happy. No offense, but the idea sounds a bit illogical when played back to you, does it not?

Consider that they're all attatched and married for a moment. If you're all out on a girlie night - maybe they're saving their own behinds. Monogomy being what it is and all that, I wouldn't advise they all start hanging around with groups of young dashing lads either (like myself :rolleyes:) I'd say its not to do with you so much as not wanting to play with fire.

faceman

OP your situation is very common, particularly for women. (I dont mean that in a sexist way)

If you confront your friends over it they will think you have gone barmy and it will alienate you further.

I suggest to try meet new friends, not to replace your existing ones, but to compliment your lifestyle. Is there a social club in your job? Are there particularly sports or hobbies you enjoy? Some of the online dating sights cater for people wanting to make friends.

Id also recommend going to one of the boards beers. Its a cool way to meet new people particular those who post in the forums that you share interest. I think the girls in the Ladies Lounge meet up too.

You could use some subtle reverse psychology with your mates the next time you see them. Mention how you would like to meet a nice guy and how it would be great to have a girlie night or how nice it would be to have someone hit the town with you, without directly asking them.

Either way, chin up and best of luck. Its not worth falling out with them over it.

WhiteWashMan

faceman wrote: »

OP your situation is very common, particularly for women. (I dont mean that in a sexist way)

If you confront your friends over it they will think you have gone barmy and it will alienate you further.

I suggest to try meet new friends, not to replace your existing ones, but to compliment your lifestyle. Is there a social club in your job? Are there particularly sports or hobbies you enjoy? Some of the online dating sights cater for people wanting to make friends.

Id also recommend going to one of the boards beers. Its a cool way to meet new people particular those who post in the forums that you share interest. I think the girls in the Ladies Lounge meet up too.

You could use some subtle reverse psychology with your mates the next time you see them. Mention how you would like to meet a nice guy and how it would be great to have a girlie night or how nice it would be to have someone hit the town with you, without directly asking them.

Either way, chin up and best of luck. Its not worth falling out with them over it.

bang on the money.

jellie

You seem to be blaming you being single on your friends?

Im going to try offer advice from the other side. in my group of female friends, 4 of us are attached and 2 are single - 1 enjoying it, 1 desperate for a bf & has been for a long time (as an aside i think desperation can show, a lot of people find someone when theyre not looking, i know i did)

Single female wrote: »

Im having a bit of a problem with my friends at the mo. Basically almost all my friends are attatched or some married at this stage wheras I have been single for a good four years now. I often get the impression that my friends are quite happy with me being single and would be quite annoyed If I did find love. I sometimes complain how much I would like to meet someone but they never offer to set me up with someone or go out to meet guys as I have done with them in the past.

Have you asked them? maybe it never entered their heads to. maybe they feel it would offend you? id be afraid by offering to set up my single friend shed think we were all saying "awww poor sad pathetic <name>, cant even find a man on her own" or something along them lines.

Single female wrote: »

Im very succesful in what I do,im very attractive and independant,I state these not to big myself up but just as facts but Im a very nice,gentle person. I have started to think that maybe my friends are jealous of me in all the other aspects of my life and so dont want me to find happiness in the love aspect of my life.

Sorry but it sounds to me that you are more jealous of them than they are of you & are looking again for reasons to blame them. i dont know youre friends so maybe they are awful people (in which case why are you friends with them) but i know i would never wish unhappiness on any of my friends regardless of my own situation

Single female wrote: »

Since I dont go out to often when we're on nights out I like chatting to guys and often have guys coming over to chat me up.Usually my friends will be rude to them and say 'girls only'.Yet Im single and I like talking to men as I want to find someone to be happy with. Its got to the stage where I dont want to go out with my friends anymore as Im sick of hearing how perfect they are with their OH while they know I remain single.

As someone said, maybe "set the rules" at the beginning of the night. is it a girls night to just have fun & dance etc just girls? Do you ever go out with the girls & theyre bfs? i do find a lot now that we never go out just girls like we used to & sometimes it is annoying to always have the bfs there (& thats from me with a bf) so i can see how a girls only night would be wanted. but at the same time id have no objections to a single friend going off chatting to someone, its part of the night.

Single female wrote: »

Im not a very confrontational person so I was wondering should I say something to them or do you think their attitude shows that they dont care as much about me as I do about them as I always comforted them when they felt down about being single and now their quite content seeing me single forever?

The "girls only, not allowed talk to men thing" i think you should mention because that does seem a bit over the top. If you feel their attitude is that bad then do speak to them because it will only build up and bother you more. However accusing them of wanting you to stay single seems a bit over the top to me.

As i said at the beginning you seem to be blaming you being single entirely on your friends like its their fault youre single, their fault for not supplying you with a man. Maybe think about this before confronting them

Balmed Out

do women really behave like that? i wouldnt be friends with anyone who didnt want the best for me and i want the best for all my friends. i have to hope most people are the same