[Req] The Best Irish Jokes

FrCrilly

Hi All,

I'm looking to compile a list of the best Irish originated jokes to send to Australians and Americans that I've just met on holiday. I'm looking for jokes that are distinctly Irish (eg Brit-Bashing, anti-clerical). Here's what I've collected so far. If anything comes to mind, feel free to share it here.

Thanks In Advance for all responses.

1. A farmer walking through his fields sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The farmer shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta se lan de chac bo" (don’t drink the water its full of cow****.) The man shouts back "I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you. To which the farmer replies "Use both hands, you’ll get more in".

2. The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. “Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.” The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so - “One little nod of your head and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope headbutts the bitch!

3. Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God "Where were
you?" God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds. Look son, look what I'm after making".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?" God replied It's
another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it. I've named it Earth and
there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example,
there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich
and South America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a
hot spot. Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North
and another one of blacks in the South."

Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?"

"Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle," God said, "that's a very special place.
That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers, streams and exquisit coastline. These people here are going
to be great craic (fun) and they're going to be found traveling the world.
They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters And I'm going to
give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad on, and for
which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink."
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly
startled, he said, "Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there
was going to be balance..?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w&nkers I'm putting next door
to them!!

4 An English tourist in Dublin decides to skip his tour group
And explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
Buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a member of
the Irish police (Garda), who says, "I'm afraid you can't do that here sir."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the man, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Garda, "Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a
gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Garda. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden
he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Garda "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "Irish Hospitality?"
"No sir", replied the Garda, "that is what we call the British Embassy."

5. What do you call an MP3 player that only plays traditional Irish Music.

A Diddley-I-Pod

sue0707

FrCrilly wrote: »

Hi All,

I'm looking to compile a list of the best Irish originated jokes to send to Australians and Americans that I've just met on holiday. I'm looking for jokes that are distinctly Irish (eg Brit-Bashing, anti-clerical). Here's what I've collected so far. If anything comes to mind, feel free to share it here.

Thanks In Advance for all responses.

1. A farmer walking through his fields sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The farmer shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta se lan de chac bo" (don’t drink the water its full of cow****.) The man shouts back "I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you. To which the farmer replies "Use both hands, you’ll get more in".

2. The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. “Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one little nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.” The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so - “One little nod of your head and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope headbutts the bitch!

3. Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God "Where were
you?" God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds. Look son, look what I'm after making".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?" God replied It's
another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it. I've named it Earth and
there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example,
there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich
and South America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a
hot spot. Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North
and another one of blacks in the South."

Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?"

"Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle," God said, "that's a very special place.
That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains,
lakes, rivers, streams and exquisit coastline. These people here are going
to be great craic (fun) and they're going to be found traveling the world.
They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters And I'm going to
give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad on, and for
which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink."
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly
startled, he said, "Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there
was going to be balance..?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w&nkers I'm putting next door
to them!!

4 An English tourist in Dublin decides to skip his tour group
And explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
Buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a member of
the Irish police (Garda), who says, "I'm afraid you can't do that here sir."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the man, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Garda, "Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a
gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Garda. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden
he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Garda "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "Irish Hospitality?"
"No sir", replied the Garda, "that is what we call the British Embassy."

5. What do you call an MP3 player that only plays traditional Irish Music.

A Diddley-I-Pod

Australian guy is walking down the road,with 2 sheep under each arm.bumps into a friend. friend says "G'day mate, u shearing?. Aussie replies"no mate, im gonna f**k em both myself