Has he cheated?

katie25

I noticed all week my partner was acting strange. He was in a bad mood all week. Then when I was in his house I found a doctors cert. I asked him was he out of work during the week and he denied it. By the way we dont live together.

Then I found reciepts in his bedroom from a nightclub in town, some of the drinks on the recipt were drinks that he doesnt drink. I thought this strange that he hadnt told me he went out. I asked him was he out during the week. He said he wasnt and siad that his friend must have been out and left the recipts in in house. I belived him.
I then went and looked at his going out shoes under his bed.The were all stained and the previous week they were clean. I put 2 and 2 together and and I knew he had been out and that he had taken a week off work. I then checked his mobile phone and found a number that he had dialed. The number was saved as a2 but was deleted when i checked it in his phonebook. I then rang this number and asked the girl was she in the nightclub I found the recipts from. She said yes my heart dropped I then asked her was she with mark, she said she didnt know any marks and that she had a boyfriend. She then asked who I was and I told her I was marks girlfriend she told me i had nothing to worry about. She told me sometimes when her friends are out the give out her number as a laugh. I asked her were any of her friends with mark and she said she didnt know.I hung up the phone and woke up mark and told him to drop me home. I told him what I done and he still completly denied going out, calling this girl, and taking a week of work.
When I got back home I checked my calls. I saw that I had rang mark at 6pm on tueday and that mark had rang this girl at 6.07 pm on tueday.So he must have rang her straight after he had been on the phone to me. He told me his friend must have used his phone.
I saw mark last night and he was overly affectinate with me. I made him buy a new sim card but I couldnt bring myself to talk about the previous night as I just wanted to block it out and pretend nothing had happened. I dont know why I was like this i just couldnt be angry with him even though im hurting inside. He still hasnt admitted anything. I dont know what to do. It feels like my mind has blocked it out.I just dont want to think about it makes me feel sick if its true that he has cheated. He acting like nothing has happened.What do i do? Can someone please give me advice

spinandscribble

i think you know he was up to something. it doesnt matter that it wasnt the right girl when he rang, its that he took the number. the whole missing week sounds dodgy. you really let him get away with this.
if anything he'll know now he has nothing to worry with you confronting him. you've given him a get out card too easily. if he denies something you know is fact and still doesnt mind changing his sim you're letting him get away with it.

i'd go on a break if i was you. denying everything isnt enough.

St Bill

I think, for your own peace of mind, that you should accept his word for it. Already you've wound yourself up in knots checking his phone and you've even gone so far as to check his shoes to see if he went out. If you can't accept his word for it, then break up with him, it's not good for your self-esteem to be going out with someone you don't trust

tritium

Well, it seems pretty obvious that he's lied to you about several things. It's also pretty obvious that you don't trust him right now. I doubt at this stage he'll admit to anything that may have happened.

You don't say how long you've been together, so I'm assuming it's a reasonably serious relationship between you rather than a fairly new one. Given that, even if he's just getting numbers off random strangers on nights out I'd be bothered. the fact that he feels the need to lie around it would bother me even more.

As another poster said, you've let him off too lightly here. I'd be inclined to sit him down for a serious chat. If he comes clean and covers the things you know about very adequately fair enough. If not I'd say take a break from him, and consider your options

LegacyUser

I think you need to keep your nose out of his affairs.

You're not his mother.

You're showing an incredible lack of respect for his privacy.

If you're so insecure about the relationship then talk to him. Don't expect him to read your mind.

Wibbs

A bit more info would be handy. How old are the pair of you? How long is the relationship going on? Have you had any suspicions about this kinda stuff before? Also, changes in affection and sexual stuff is a good indicator of a relationship going through some issue.

From what you've said and you may be adding 2 and 2 and getting 6, but I would say something is up. The mood swing from dismissive to overly affectionate would have peaked my interest. The phone calls, the week off work, the general avoidance of letting you know what's what. I mean, if he was off work sick for a week, you would expect he would have told you. It's not a hanging offence, after all.

Now some people can be ridiculously paranoid, bit it's good to keep an open mind on this stuff. Seeing as you've gone through his stuff, trying to find something, I wouldn't blank this out, as at least as far as you're concerned you have found something. You have to engage with him and talk this out. Sooner rather than later.

minidazzler

Your gut seems to be guiding you here.

There is a few explainations for why he wouldntt tell you these things.

Maybe he was feeling down about something and decided to go out with a few mates and got a number? It does make a man feel good to know he has "still got it" even if he doesnt act on it.

He could be telling you the whole truth adn you are just overly paranoid??? His friends could borrow his shoes.

Of course you could be right but In my opinion I think you should let this one slide and if you suspect it with evidence again then let him go. Just think if you do act on your suspicions now and you are wrong?

Logic is a definite thing and you have some very malformed logic.

Hope you are wrong about him.

katie25

Yes I have been with him 5 years.I do love him but its just so hard to belive him. I dont want to let him go but Im just so hurt by his lies. He still hasnt admitted to anything. We spoke on the phone today I got upset and kept asking him how did the number get in his phone. You see on tueday he rang me and according to his call log he rang this girl 1 min after he was talking to me. It really hurts to think he rang her straight after talking to me. On the phone today he kept asking me did I love him.Then when I kept asking him about the number he got really pissed off with me and told me that if I didnt belive him I should break up with him. I just dont know what to think or am I just being paraniod.

LegacyUser

I think you are showing a complete lack of respect for his privacy.

You are not his keeper.

You do not live with him.

Try talking with him and stop expecting him to read your mind and stop trying to read his.

Stop snooping around.

Wibbs

katie25 wrote: »

Yes I have been with him 5 years.

Long time I grant you.

I do love him but its just so hard to belive him.

OK but it's hard to love someone if you find yourself not trusting them(in this case I can see why).

I dont want to let him go but Im just so hurt by his lies.

After 5 years it would be very hard to let someone go. Now are there other issues in the relationship. This stuff rarely happens in a vacuum.

On the phone today he kept asking me did I love him.Then when I kept asking him about the number he got really pissed off with me and told me that if I didnt belive him I should break up with him.

If that's how it went down it sounds like common or garden emotional manipulation to me. Emotional blackmail. Avoids the question and puts the onus on you to answer a question of his. Makes it your fault. Sweet turn around for him.

Are you paranoid? I don't know, I've gone out with a couple of women who made paranoia an art form and I've seen male friends of mine who are overly controlling because of it. It was always down to self esteem issues.

He needs to give you a straight honest answer. If he can't give you one, it simply means there isn't an honest straight answer he can give. At that point I would call his bluff and leave tbh.

gcgirl

no respect wrote: »

I think you are showing a complete lack of respect for his privacy.

You are not his keeper.

You do not live with him.

Try talking with him and stop expecting him to read your mind and stop trying to read his.

Stop snooping around.

Hello she has been with him for 5 years!!!

dudara

Wibbs wrote: »

Also, changes in affection and sexual stuff is a good indicator of a relationship going through some issue.

Wibbs is spot on here. You don't have to answer this question in public but do think about it.

TBH, by the time that a woman get suspicious, it's usually well after the cheating has occurred. You really shouldn't have gone through his stuff, but your intuition is telling you that something is up.

shabaz

no respect wrote: »

I think you need to keep your nose out of his affairs.

You're not his mother.

You're showing an incredible lack of respect for his privacy.

If you're so insecure about the relationship then talk to him. Don't expect him to read your mind.

What kinda wanker are you with that response, grow up, it pricks like you that never grow up, learn young man ya cant have it every way. we are not stupid (women) we know when something is up thats why we are checking cos we've smelt a rat. which is always right as in this case, unfortunately this poor woman has to except the truth now that it is there,and stop asking her bloke to tell her the truth. You my friend also have alot to learn!!

Marksie

Shabaz banned: 1 week personal abuse

faceman

Katie25, its not clear whether he has cheated or not. You know your other half better than anyone here after 10 years. On the surface it does sound like he is hiding something, whether its sinister or not is another issue.

there isnt really much you can do other than talk to him but bare in mind that your snooping wont make you very popular.

Its a tough call.

Fysh

After 5 years of presumably good times, it's never going to be easy to have this sort of situation.

I don't agree with snooping on your partner, but at this stage you've moved beyond that. There's obviously a problem with trust in your relationship; from what you've said you're entitled to be concerned at the least (as someone else said, taking a week off work is the sort of thing you'd expect to be mentioned).

It sounds like serious-conversation time, and you're going to have to steel yourself against manipulative rubbish like him asking if he loves you. After 5 years you're entitled to straight answers about what he's been up to. If you can't find a way to reconcile yourself to his answers, you'll most likely find your relationship deteriorating if you stick with him, so you're going to have a serious decision to make sometime soon.

tritium

no respect, are you the boyfriend or something?

OP, sounds like you're being exposed to a wee bit of emotional blackmail here. After 5 years with him I'd expect a little better to be honest. If he doesn't want to engage on this I'd expect it's because there's something he doesn't want to tell you. If he's getting pissed off well too bad, all he has to do is be stright with you.

Yes you shouldn't have snooped, but it's done now, and unfortunately you now have to deal with what you've found. You need some answers from your boyfriend, or you need to consider whether the relationship has hit a critical problem - after 5 years I reckon some honesty isn't too much for you to ask for!

milkerman

'On the phone today he kept asking me did I love him.Then when I kept asking him about the number he got really pissed off with me and told me that if I didnt belive him I should break up with him.'
I dont know whether your bf cheated or not, neither do you. Dont lower yourself to the level of checking his texts etc. IF YOU DONT TRUST HIM/BELIEVE HIM your relationship is in trouble and you might perhaps consider HIS advice to you as quoted above.

Mr. Incognito

Whoa whoa whoa- things may seem a bit funny from what you've posted but you seem to be completely paranoid.

He was out because his shoes were dirty? I mean come on? you put two and two together and got ten. because his shoes were dirty that gave you a right to go poking in his phone and ringing people.

Facts:
He was ringing some bird who has a boyfriend.
You have no evidence of anything improper.

Whilst there is a lot of cicumstancial suspicious stuff, like the week off work? wtf? I would leave the Sherlock Holmes stuff at home. If you cannot trust your other half what-s the point.

As an aside- 5 years or 5 days if you were my missus and went through my phone and starting ringing people on the pretence that I may have been cheating- I'd dump you.

pookie82

Oh my god, this is hilarious. So the general consensus is: if you suspect that your boyfriend is cheating due to strange behaviour/tension etc, and you ask him if there's a prob but he's unforthcoming about it and clams up when you ask about a note you found, you must NOT under any circumstances check for evidence to incriminate him, but accept his mumbled (and in this case really lame) excuses and carry on oblivious. We all get the point about respecting privacy etc but these are exceptional circumstances. This lady sounds like she found some fairly damning evidence against him and I think she knows in her heart of hearts something is badly wrong. It's not like they've been together five mins and sneaky time off work is reason enough to ring the alarm bells. But all the advice on here maintains that to keep her nose to herself is what's needed here, and to allow his lies and cover ups to continue uninvestigated. GREAT advice.

OP I think you know yourself that it looks pretty bad or you wouldn't be on here. You've got to decide whether or not you want to believe him and have a serious heart to heart. If this whole thing goes unaddressed you'll gain no peace of mind.

Mr. Incognito

Well, I wouldn't dexcribe it as a consensus but I think the obvious thing that comes through is the lack of trust she seems to have for her boyfriend based on circumstancial evidence. Why does she automatically thing he was cheating? I'm not saying that there are not issues here or something fishy but she should sit him down and explain her concerns in a rational way rather than try to go about gathering evidence that supports her paranoia. Who knows- he may be cheating but she shouldn't presume it automatically.

paul_ire57

i dont think by people saying here not to intrude on his privacy is to allow his lies to go unchallenged.

i think if you feel you need to do this then something is wrong. if you dont accept what he is saying then you have to make a decision.

OP have you thought about what happens if you find something in the texts that totally incriminates him?

can you accept his word even though it may not be the truth and move on or will this continually nag at you until you find out what you want to hear?

or have you thought about not ever finding anything because there was never anything to find but you have completely abused his right to privacy and his trust in you is gone which may possibly end your relationship?

if hes been behaving strangely maybe he has an issue with something else that he is unwilling to talk to you about for whatever reason which has resulted in this situation arising.

youve been together 5 years, so you must have an idea of his trustworthiness by now. has he always been a stand up guy or has there always been occasions when he has told little white lies to get around things. these types of things can help give you an idea of whether there is more to this than meets the eye.

i personally dont think there is ever anything to justify going through someones phone and rooting around under his bed etc but thats my personal opinion.

best of luck with things

Paul

AngryBadger

no respect wrote: »

I think you need to keep your nose out of his affairs.

You're not his mother.

You're showing an incredible lack of respect for his privacy.

If you're so insecure about the relationship then talk to him. Don't expect him to read your mind.

Have to say I agree with this 100 %

AngryBadger

I feel the need to highlight that peopel are jumping to some shaky conclusions based on very little information here.

We know the OP has been with her partner 5 years. And that's all we know.

It does seem clear that the bf is not being completely up-front, but the OP seems completely paranoid and totally lacking in any kind of security in her own head. If you trusted your bf (which I assume you would after 5 years) then why would you immediately jump to the conclusion that he was up to something just because he seemed to be out on the town and not have told you about it?

You say that you accepted his explanation about the receipts, but then you went and looked at his shoes anyway.

Seems to me he probably was out some night, and he probably was talking to (and buying drinks for) another girl. But so what? That's not a crime in any sense.

And you're response is WAY OTT. I mean jaysus, on very little evidence you rifled through his phone, and his stuff. Hardly the grown-up way to deal with the situation.

TO be honest, I find your response amazing given that you're supposed to be an adult, and you're supposed to have been with this guy for 5 years.

Zombrex

He is lying to you. You know he is lying to you

Yes you are going about it in a bit of a mental fashion, going through his stuff and all that, but then I imagine you are acting this way because you know he is lying to you.

You need to properly talk to him, tell him that you want to know what happened, that you don't trust what he is saying to you, that you know something is wrong.

Mazeire

Hi OP. I'm sorry to hear what is going on. It sounds like a nightmare and your head must be wrecked.

Has he cheated before? It does sound like you have very little trust in him. However, based on what you have said, it does sound like your concerns maybe justified on this occaision. It seems to me anyway that he rang this girl after being on to you so that they could get their stories straight. You seriously need to sit down and have it out with him, and get an answer that you are fully satisfied with and that makes sense, not something to get you out of the situation for a while. There is no point in doing stuff like making him get another sim because thats just being in denial and not realy sorting anything. After all whats to stop him giving her his new number?

Just to those of you who are saying its none of her buisness, whan do you feel it would be her buisness? If the OP got an STD? When she gets invited to his wedding?

Anyway best of luck OP.

tbh

what I'm wondering is, why did you make him buy a sim card if you believed him? Or, if you don't believe him, and he's not admitting it, why don't you just break up with him?

Homer Simpson once said "it takes two to lie, one to lie and the other to listen".

Here's what I think: Something happened that he doesn't want you to know about. It doesn't really matter what it is, what's important is that he feels that there are certain things he doesn't want you to know about. In the absence of any explanation from him, you have to assume that he doesn't want you to know about them because if you did, you'd break up with him.

It's really up to you to decide if you think this is acceptable to you. I could understand you giving him a second chance, etc etc, but at least do it with your eyes open. You know for a fact that he was somewhere he's flat out claiming he wasn't. The why? is unimportant. It's not up to him what YOU do with YOUR life - if you don't trust him, end it. If you do, forget about it. If you can't forget about it, you don't trust him. If he's not bothered explaining, or being honest, don't waste your energy.

dudara

tbh wrote: »

If he's not bothered explaining, or being honest, don't waste your energy.

This is a great piece of advice. If he wants to be duplicitious, then don't hang around waiting for him to tell you whatever the hell is going on.

LegacyUser

dont mind anyone saying you are paranoid(altho I doubt they are being delibarately malicious.). it probably sounds a lot worse all written down in sequence than in reality. To be honest it does sound like he is lying to you about something. what that is I have no idea. Be kind to your mind anyways. Dont spend all the time worrying yourself sick about it. You cant legislate for what other people do so just do whats best for yourself first and foremost. Best of luck with it anyway.