bf has problem with me keeping stuff from ex

LegacyUser

i've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, everything's going great. apart from one thing. my previous bf was my first (my current is my 2nd) and we were together for 5 years. we broke up nearly 2 years ago. in my room i keep a little box of things from him, letters cards small teddy bears etc. when my bf found out about this he went ballistic, said it's extremely hurtful and if i don't get rid of the box it's over between us. i tried to explain to him that they're just memories and it doesn't mean i'm holding onto my ex. has anyone had a similar experience or does anyone just want to throw their 2 cents in? thanks in advance.

dudara

I can half see where he is coming from. He doesn't want to be faced with your past, because he is with you now.

Are the items in his face? Could you possibly place them at the back of a cupboard. I'd never ask anyone to throw out memories, but maybe they could be kept somewhere more private.

TBH, I think that he is overreacting just a wee bit.

Beelzebub

I agree with dudara, out of sight, out of mind. Guys tend to feel insecure/jealous when confronted with reminders of former lovers.

sillo

You're entitled to keep personal property. This individual you have known for 8 months has no right to issue an ultimatum such as this in my opinion.

Lemming

I'd agree with dudara in that he's over-reacting (and this coming from a guy). Unless it's all in his face and/or you're gushing on about your ex constantly, I can't really see this as anything other than his own insecurity complex.

Your ex was with you for a fairly significant amount of time and all those memories are part of what make you who you are now. Your current b/f can't just demand you throw all of that away just because he's insecure about it (assuming of course it's not all in his face, etc. and even then just putting it away is more reasonable to ask)

odarallo

I agrre I think he is over reacting, do you keep the box and open it at a certain time or do you just have it and never open it. I can understand why he got upset, I would get upset if I found my boyfriend with a little shrine box of a ex partner

Miss Fluff

dudara wrote: »

ITBH, I think that he is overreacting just a wee bit.

I don't think he is overreacting at all tbh. Are you still in love with your ex bf or what? In any event if you feel the compulsion to retain keepsakes, keep them at your parents house/with a sibling or friend. It is natural not to want to delete all your memories in one go (OMG after 5 years it is so tough!!) but for f8cks sake be subtle.

faceman

Its hard to say based on the information to hand as whether or not he is over-reacting. However as a general comment i would say its a bit odd that someone would keep memories in a box of a first relationship. Then again Im a man, and men's view of these things differs greatly than women.

8 months isnt that long and i dont know how serious you guys are. Ultimately though, if you are serious about this relationship your previous one should be a thing of the past anyway. If it was me, id have ditched that stuff.

Again without more knowledge its hard to assess the real reason for you hanging on to those things.

Then again my gf has/had stuff from her first ex but it doesnt bother me to be honest. Everyone is different.

Actually i dont think my post has offered any help at all! Sorry!

davyjose

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I don't think he is overreacting at all tbh. Are you still in love with your ex bf or what? In any event if you feel the compulsion to retain keepsakes, keep them at your parents house/with a sibling or friend. It is natural not to want to delete all your memories in one go (OMG after 5 years it is so tough!!) but for f8cks sake be subtle.

Agreed. What memories are you holding onto, and why? What does a teddy that your ex gave you really mean to you now? Because if it means much then you gotta ask yourself why.

MagicMarker

I'm with your bf on this. Why do you need to keep these things? The relationship is over, that's that. This is what memories are made for. You don't need to keep little keepsakes, if you do need to keep them then there's something not right.

sillo

MagicMarker wrote: »

I'm with your bf on this. Why do you need to keep these things? The relationship is over, that's that. This is what memories are made for. You don't need to keep little keepsakes, if you do need to keep them then there's something not right.

I would agree with some of those siding with the BF have to say. Yes, it COULD be rational for keeping these memories to cause some upset. Yes, it COULD be deemed unfair of you to keep these things, especially if you are lacking discretion.

However - for my money - issuing ultimatums is (A) just a really irrational, disproportionate response, (B) really presumptuous. If he is going to be so confrontational about something as simple as an old box full of letters, I think the OP should think long and hard about whether or not this is really someone s/he wants in his/her life.

If the outcome of this is a 'Yes', then get rid of the box.
If the outcome of this is a 'No', tell the guy to take a hike.

shqipshume

adviceplease888 wrote: »

i've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, everything's going great. apart from one thing. my previous bf was my first (my current is my 2nd) and we were together for 5 years. we broke up nearly 2 years ago. in my room i keep a little box of things from him, letters cards small teddy bears etc. when my bf found out about this he went ballistic, said it's extremely hurtful and if i don't get rid of the box it's over between us. i tried to explain to him that they're just memories and it doesn't mean i'm holding onto my ex. has anyone had a similar experience or does anyone just want to throw their 2 cents in? thanks in advance.

I would say u must let the past go too continue on with the future.He is right but he should of asked u nicely, but u are not gonna have a guy do that.He is obviously hurt and i wouldnt blame him.If my bf had stuff from his ex gf i would be so hurt.
You need too decide is the memories on little pieces of paper more important then ur bf.or is making new better memories with the man u love more important.
i dont understand why u still have them.
Hope it works out for you

LegacyUser

davyjose wrote: »

Agreed. What memories are you holding onto, and why? What does a teddy that your ex gave you really mean to you now? Because if it means much then you gotta ask yourself why.

She is holding on to stuff. From her past. Big Deal. You are suggesting she has reasons to hold on to memories when all it is just memories from the past that probably mean no more than a photo.

Davey, if you have an ex girl do you delete every photo etc of her? Is it something you expect of a future GF?

My GF has a big wicker Case cum basket in her room of loads of stuff from her ex and wait for it......her past, including secondery school related items and other things of that nature. She is entitlied to a past. If she had a shrine in her wardrobe to her ex it would be a different issue.

shqipshume

shqipshume wrote: »

If my bf had stuff from his ex gf i would be so hurt.

Why? o.O
Just because you moved on in your life doesn't mean you have to pretend that part of your life never happened

OP: as long as your little box of things is put away out of the way then your bf is probs overreacting

Talliesin

I'd be more worried about the fact that he's making ultimatums than about how silly the "issue" he's making ultimatums over is.

shqipshume

bluewolf wrote: »

Why? o.O
Just because you moved on in your life doesn't mean you have to pretend that part of your life never happened

OP: as long as your little box of things is put away out of the way then your bf is probs overreacting

why would u wanna look back at the past with someone else, and if the other person feels in someway upset about it u need too accept that and respect their feelings, i personally would not need too keep keepsakes from my ex, all mine went out in the bin he is the past and my new bf is my future, he wouldnt ask me to get rid of any of cause he doesnt need too.And i dont need too ask him cause if u are holding on too stuff from ur ex then it means u have not fully moved on with ur life. anyway thats ur feeling and if u are open too ur ex having stuff from the past good for u,but her bf has made it very clear it upsets him,and for some reason he is uncomfortable with it.And obviously she had it where he could find it.
Regards

Talliesin

Talliesin wrote: »

I'd be more worried about the fact that he's making ultimatums than about how silly the "issue" he's making ultimatums over is.

Well yeah, I didn't even get to that part =/

shqip wrote:

And i dont need too ask him cause if u are holding on too stuff from ur ex then it means u have not fully moved on with ur life.

Because I don't go around destroying things that had fond memories I must not have moved on?

but her bf has made it very clear it upsets him

Well that's fine, but as talli pointed out, he's making ultimatums, this isn't a "this upsets me can we discuss it" kind of thing

Rattlehead_ie

faceman wrote: »

Its hard to say based on the information to hand as whether or not he is over-reacting. However as a general comment i would say its a bit odd that someone would keep memories in a box of a first relationship. Then again Im a man, and men's view of these things differs greatly than women.

Nail on Head!

OP: To be honest your BF I think is over reacting a bit by saying its over if you don't get rid of them, as Talliesin said Id be worried that he is giving you ultimatums. I do understand his point of view and I don't agree that after 2 years you should have these memories in a place that is "accessable" by your current BF. Keep your memories, they're important to you specially if he was your 1st, I know that feeling all to well. As Miss Fluff said, keep them away from "near" you and him, put them in the attic, your parents house somewhere like that.

LegacyUser

I have a case full of crap going on ten years now that I throw stuff into.

Thing is, its closed, and my own personal business and no one has seen it.
To be honest I havent opened it in about five years...

You are entitled to keepsakes. Once you aren't lighting candles around them with pictures of your ex on a wall.

My question would be...
How did current boyfriend see the little box of stuff, and why was it made know to him?

MagicMarker

Of course opinions are going to differ on a subject like this. But why would anyone keep these kinds of things if they're just going to hide them away? Surely the if you're just going to hide them away what's the point in having them in the first place?

Personally, when i met my current partner, i deleted all my photos and video clips that involved my ex. It just didn't seem appropriate to keep that kind of stuff when I made the decision to move on with my life. Leave the past in the past. Keeping momentos just seems unhealthy to me, and I can completely see how your partner is hurt. Maybe he didn't express himself like an adult but that just goes to show exactly how much this effects him.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

Of course opinions are going to differ on a subject like this. But why would anyone keep these kinds of things if they're just going to hide them away? Surely the if you're just going to hide them away what's the point in having them in the first place?

Personally, when i met my current partner, i deleted all my photos and video clips that involved my ex. It just didn't seem appropriate to keep that kind of stuff when I made the decision to move on with my life. Leave the past in the past. Keeping momentos just seems unhealthy to me, and I can completely see how your partner is hurt. Maybe he didn't express himself like an adult but that just goes to show exactly how much this effects him.

Keeping mementos is for the keeper. Its not really for a random discoverer.

There is nothing unhealthy about enjoying various facets of the past, or keeping them to look at at another date.
Some people have a box, some people idolly throw photos and things in the back of a drawer or wardrobe.

To be honest I'd find it more immature and misguided to make a point of going about deleting stuff from the past. I personally think that its a person quite acceptant of the past and what has happened, that has the ability to keep things for the sake of it and realise that its a possibility to revisit it (or not) at a later date, that allows people to move on.
Of course keepsakes aren't the generally rule, but a nice letter or photo from a nice time, may be nice in the future, as I said... thats for the keeper to decide.

Patricide

i dunno what people are on about, of course he is ovverreacting, i dont think he shoulda seen or known about the box in the first place(unless it came up in convo) but cmon 5 years means somthing esp when it was your first proper relationship. No matter how much you love the next guy its still nice to have the memorys, just perhaps not out in tht open. Attic maybe?

Overheal

Ugh - I'm in the camp of thinking such memerobilia does little good. Surely 5 years of raw memory should be plenty to hang onto? It might be time to trash the keepsakes. If not now then they will later haunt you down the road and more than likely when you least want them to. Delete them from your life now while they hold the leadt attachment from you.

davyjose

KneeGrowPlease wrote: »

Davey, if you have an ex girl do you delete every photo etc of her? Is it something you expect of a future GF?

Nope, but there's a big difference between having stuff and keeping stuff. In a box - treasured memories kinda thing.

The OP never said she keeps a box of memories from her past , she said she keeps "a little box of things from him". Now, if she was a nostalgic person, she would have more than things from just him, she would have things collected from everybody and everywhere, as I do. But the fact of the matter is she doesn't - it's a box solely dedicated to him. Weird IMO!!!

SarahSassy

sillo wrote: »

You're entitled to keep personal property. This individual you have known for 8 months has no right to issue an ultimatum such as this in my opinion.

+1

Wibbs

sillo wrote: »

You're entitled to keep personal property. This individual you have known for 8 months has no right to issue an ultimatum such as this in my opinion.

Jeez it's not about entitlement or rights.:rolleyes:

Look this stuff mostly boils down to simple good manners on both sides. If a girlfriend of mine had such keepsakes, I say fine. It was a big part of her life and frankly I'm knobin her now, not him. So big dealio, next problem please.

If however this is being flaunted in an obvious way or she was still in regular contact with the guy, I would make it quite clear that this was not on and she better cop on.

davyjose

Wibbs wrote: »

If however this is being flaunted in an obvious way or she was still in regular contact with the guy, I would make it quite clear that this was not on and she better cop on.

It's not just that. Clearly the guy will be intimidated by the length, and therefore importance, of the relationship she had with this guy. What he doesn't need is shadows of that relationship looming over him. 8 months isn't that long, but it's long enough for her to give him a little respect and let him know that he's the important one now.
And for the record, IMO he's entirely wrong for giving her an ultimatum, but he's not on here posting, so there's little point in stating that fact. The issue at hand is the OP's keepsakes. She should throw them out, and then kick his ass for being a twàt.

sillo

davyjose wrote: »

And for the record, IMO he's entirely wrong for giving her an ultimatum, but he's not on here posting, so there's little point in stating that fact. The issue at hand is the OP's keepsakes. She should throw them out, and then kick his ass for being a twàt.

Agreed. Putting aside the ultimatum, the OP does need to have a serious think about these memento's, and if they're really worth the hassle. It is entirely reasonable for the "other half" to be upset about this -- though the extent of that upset and how he has handled it are questionable.

A little thinking from the OP, and a calm, rational discussion with the fella should resolve this. It should not be this big a deal.

dirtydress

sillo wrote: »

Agreed. Putting aside the ultimatum, the OP does need to have a serious think about these memento's, and if they're really worth the hassle. It is entirely reasonable for the "other half" to be upset about this -- though the extent of that upset and how he has handled it are questionable.

A little thinking from the OP, and a calm, rational discussion with the fella should resolve this. It should not be this big a deal.

To address this, and many other posts...no she does not need to have a think about why she's keeping them. These are memories from her very first boyfriend, it was a special time in her life and she remembers it fondly and if she wants to keep some things from it e.g birthday cards or gifts etc then she is perfectly reasonable to do so. We all keep some things like concert tickets etc to remember good times and this is no different. OP, hold on to your memories, they're obviously very special to you and dont let anyone demand you throw them away. You already said that your current bf found the box so its obvious you werent flaunting it. He's just being jealous for no reason, have a chat to your bf and explain your point of view but at the same time dont be pushed into giving up something thats important to you.

StandnDeliver

i had keepsakes from my ex for a good while,went into a new relationship and a year or so i cant really remember i through them away because i didnt feel the need to have them.Each person is different id tell him not to worry its nothing to do with him.

AngryBadger

He's over-reacting. I can understand that he'd have a problem being constantly reminded of your ex, but unless you're actually taking the box out and going through it on a regular basis then I don't really think he has a leg to stand on.

And telling you it's over unless you get rid of the box is just plain inreasonable.

faceman

AngryBadger wrote: »

He's over-reacting. I can understand that he'd have a problem being constantly reminded of your ex, but unless you're actually taking the box out and going through it on a regular basis then I don't really think he has a leg to stand on.

And telling you it's over unless you get rid of the box is just plain inreasonable.

again we are all talking in speculatives as we dont have the full facts of the matter. Just reading you post makes me wonder, i agree that going through it on a regular basis would be weird. But how often should she be permitted to go through it? And why would she want to go through it if she is in a happy relationship?

Im not for a second judging the op, im just trying to ask the question and seek both male/female opinion to help the OP.

ztoical

to all the people going on about leaving the past in the past and moving on etc etc ....do you all live in empty houses? I'm looking around my place and I have really nice things that I got from ex's that there is no chance in hell I'm getting rid of.

I've a couple of original art pieces that are worth a fair bit of money that I got from an ex [ex is actually the artist of one of the prints] and I have a limited edition supergirl statue from a different ex. Not only am I not getting rid of them the prints are hanging on my living room wall and the statue is sitting right beside my computer.

On top of that I'm sure I've photos of ex's around somewhere cus my ex's were my friends and I've pictures from birthdays and other important events with all my friends - I wouldn't get rid of photos featuring 20 of my friends cus one of them is an ex. I've one photo from a birthday several years ago that has two exs in the same photo. One of my friends has a tv and dvd player that an ex got her for xmas last year should she chuck that cus new bf might be put out?

Really what age are all the people on here who are saying chuck everything? it just sounds like a very immature attitude.

spinandscribble

tbh i feel if it was a serious part of your life then its alright but if possible hide them. tbh though if i found myself keeping them close and couldnt stop looking at them i'd ask questions of myself.
op if you stumbled across this box in a attic or store room then dont worry and get over it. if it was a mini shire beside the bed, then maybe you have to break up....

faceman

ztoical wrote: »

to all the people going on about leaving the past in the past and moving on etc etc ....do you all live in empty houses? I'm looking around my place and I have really nice things that I got from ex's that there is no chance in hell I'm getting rid of.

I've a couple of original art pieces that are worth a fair bit of money that I got from an ex [ex is actually the artist of one of the prints] and I have a limited edition supergirl statue from a different ex. Not only am I not getting rid of them the prints are hanging on my living room wall and the statue is sitting right beside my computer.

On top of that I'm sure I've photos of ex's around somewhere cus my ex's were my friends and I've pictures from birthdays and other important events with all my friends - I wouldn't get rid of photos featuring 20 of my friends cus one of them is an ex. I've one photo from a birthday several years ago that has two exs in the same photo. One of my friends has a tv and dvd player that an ex got her for xmas last year should she chuck that cus new bf might be put out?

Really what age are all the people on here who are saying chuck everything? it just sounds like a very immature attitude.

Clearly you have missed the point of this thread.

py2006

Maybe I am missing the point of this thread! But to me this isn't just a bundle of memories! Its an almost shrine to an ex-boyfriend. I can totaly understand the bf being put out by this. Ok perhaps the reaction was a bit over the top.

But this collection is a shrine to an ex!! She clearly still has feelings for this person and/or hasn't entirely moved on. How many girls out there would tolerate the boyfriends having a collection of all things relating to a previous girlfriend??

Nevyn

faceman
that last post was neither on topic or helpful.

Toots

OP, I think your BF is being a tad unreasonable. I have a 'memory box' that I keep things in like the movie ticket stub from my first ever date etc. My partner knows I have this and we have even gone through the box together (there's a lot of stuff that relates to him in it:D) and he is fine with it. Just because you have a couple of bits and pieces from your ex doesn't mean you're still in love with him, it's mementos of happy times in your life and there is nothing wrong with keeping them. If you have some sort of shrine, as other posters have said, it would be understandable why he would be upset. Also, did you bring the box out and show it to him? If so it may have looked like you were rubbing his nose in it. If he just happened upon the box by himself then he's only got himself to blame for rooting through your stuff.

I would not give in to his demands to throw the box out, as it contains things that are special to you. I would however keep it well hidden and don't mention it in the future. It might also help if you added some things from your relationship together to the box, and show him that you are doing it.

IrishMike

Was in a similiar situation to this a few months back.
Going out with my g/f about a year, she had a previous boyfriend for almost 3 years.
Then one day she decided to take me with her to harvey norman to print out all the
holiday photos she had of her an her ex "as a reminder".
Was pretty hurt to say the least and she still has them and cant see the problem with
them at all. Her pc still had literally hundreds of photos of them from when they
were going out. Thing is you either learn to accept it or else grow bitter from the
experience

spinandscribble

that sounds a bit odd. its one thing having them hidden on a pc its another to go on a trip together to print photos...

the key to this is where the box was.

Wibbs

spinandscribble wrote: »

that sounds a bit odd. its one thing having them hidden on a pc its another to go on a trip together to print photos...

the key to this is where the box was.

Agreed I would think that IrishMike's situation is a bit disrespectful to him, to say the very least. That would be a red flag for me and no mistake. Memories are one thing, but....

Her bringing you with her to get the photos done sounds like she was trying to get a reaction from you. Having memories is cool, but I think that's taking the píss frankly. I would have reacted to that one and I'm easy going by nature. TBH, your lack of reaction, may let her feel she can pull all sorts of mad stuff and you won't react. Not good. If she's still in contact with that ex, then I would be very wary.

I personally think it depends on a few factors and as much as looking at this objectively is possible with the grey area that is a human relationship, there would be certain red flags for me.

How long were they with the ex for and how serious was it?

Did they leave the ex and go to you immediately, or was there even some overlap. IE did they cheat on the ex with you?

Are they still in regular contact with the ex? Bad one, but if they had a big gap where they didn't contact and came back over the relationship then fine.

How much do they mention the ex?

If someone isn't over the ex or you're not fulfilling some need in them, that the ex is(and vice versa), then you may be in rebound territory or they're making up a "perfect" frankenstein BF/GF out of the two of you.

LegacyUser

OP here again!

the box is in the bottom drawer of my bedside locker, it's sellotaped shut and I never open it. He asked me a while ago if I still keep stuff from my ex and I said yes, I have a few bits in a box in my room. then the other night we were in my room and he asked to see it. there were a few photos on top, he looked at them and didn't want to look any further. thanks for everyone's opinions so far!