Love? Ha? Shambolic relationship?

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm having a few love problems. In fact its been ****ING with my head now for a long time. I just cant let go though. or do I want to. I dont know. Basically I'm looking for advice on 2 matters.
1. What did u all think of your first relationship? Do you wish you could go back and change things to make it work? Did you need a first relationship to become a better boyfriend or girlfriend? Does it all go downhill after the first, honestly, ie the innocence? Did it take you long to move on, and did it take you long to start looking for another? Do you end up looking for too many things in a partner after so many relationships? What is a relationship - love, sex, or a business type arrangement?
2. My mates are going away on a trip in a few weeks. I want to go with them. I told my girlfriend for a laugh that we would be gone 3 months(were only doing 2 weeks, still in the bad books for that, especially given i'll miss valentines).Anyway, It backfired. She more or less told me that she wouldnt hang around for 3 months. Doesnt that mean she would go looking for sex and cuddles elsewhere? Something inside me snapped, we are with eachother 2 and a half years. It has me wondering what the hell is love after a response like that. I dont know what to think. Maybe Ive been watching too many disney movies. Fairytales dont exist.

Yes this is my first relationship. I am 28, she is 24.
When do you know you are ready to be in a relationship... I was single for ages doing one nighters for a laugh then i decided I wanted a girlfriend...then I got close to her and could never hurt her or leave her...feelings I never had before...the thought of another man with her kills but is inevitable!...Is this a familiar tale? does it get easier to leave love behind?

Thanks for reading...hope somebody can say something to get me out of the rut.

Victor

First, try grammar.

Overheal

my first 'relationship' lasted 2 days. If I could change anything it would be not to have pursued it to begin with. It only served as a head****.

EDIT: she was (is) a nice girl and all, and it woke me up to the idea that im not unlovable but she has too many skeletons in her closet already and I probably only now oh so many of them. Basically its been my first indoctrination into how women can really screw with you. Not because they mean to - but they just do. If I had to change anything I would give it a middle and an end, instead of a begining with confusing follow-ups.

Wibbs

shambolic000 wrote: »

1. What did u all think of your first relationship?

It depends on so many factors. If it was true love and all that stuff. How old you were etc. I would say my first relationship looking back was shíte for both of us really. Still learning basically.

Do you wish you could go back and change things to make it work?

Honestly, she was a nice woman, but looking back there's no way in hell I would want to be stuck with her for life and I'm quite sure she would say the same.

Did you need a first relationship to become a better boyfriend or girlfriend?

I think and I may be wrong, but I think you need to have had your heart broken and to have lost something to appreciate things down the line. From a male point of view I would say this is especially true. Guys can be too over the top first time around and if it sticks long term then I think there may be trouble in the long term. I know if I had a sister I would advise against her marrying a guy if she was his first love. As I say I'm probably wrong there.

Does it all go downhill after the first, honestly, ie the innocence?

A little. Yea maybe. It's different anyway. It also depends on how much you reset the mechanism and realise the next person is a different person and maybe a better person for you. Too many idolise an ex to the point of madness.

Did it take you long to move on,

Long enough, but I was 18 at the time, when everything is a bigger issue.

and did it take you long to start looking for another?

I didn't look it just kinda happened.

Do you end up looking for too many things in a partner after so many relationships? What is a relationship - love, sex, or a business type arrangement?

If you're anything like me you will go through a cynical phase. I think that's healthy though. so long as you don't fúck people over when you're in that mindset. As I say that's a phase though.

2. My mates are going away on a trip in a few weeks. I want to go with them. I told my girlfriend for a laugh that we would be gone 3 months(were only doing 2 weeks, still in the bad books for that, especially given i'll miss valentines).Anyway, It backfired.

Being dishonest if only for a laugh tends to backfire.

She more or less told me that she wouldnt hang around for 3 months. Doesnt that mean she would go looking for sex and cuddles elsewhere?

It's more likely that she was píssed off at the manner of your telling of it tha anything else. If she feels excluded from her partners life she'll naturally react. She might look elsewhere, especially if there's other stuff going wrong in the relationship.

Something inside me snapped, we are with eachother 2 and a half years. It has me wondering what the hell is love after a response like that

Step back and look at it from her side. You inform her that you'll be gone for 3 months. Did you invite her? was she part of the decision process. She "snapped" first. This isn't exactly rocket science. I would have snapped too.

I dont know what to think.

Think about her for a second. That may be a good start.

Maybe Ive been watching too many disney movies. Fairytales dont exist.

All too common. Fairytales don't exist. Life does and properly lived I would take it over any version of happy ever after.

Yes this is my first relationship. I am 28, she is 24.

Late enough, but still, that's no biggy. I think first love is easier when you're younger. You're still working through things and you're also more resilient. At 18 i was upset and forlorn and all that guff, but I fell hard at 30 and when it ended, it took me 2 years to move on from it to the point where I was healthy and open enough to try again. People differ though.

When do you know you are ready to be in a relationship..

Frankly if you don't know after 2 odd years, you're not in one.

I was single for ages doing one nighters for a laugh then i decided I wanted a girlfriend.

Sounds a bit of a clinical start, but whatever floats your boat.

then I got close to her and could never hurt her or leave her...feelings I never had before...

That sounds better, though it could have a touch of new emotions and attachment, not love.

the thought of another man with her kills but is inevitable!.

Examine why it kills you. Is this an ego thing? If you knew she was truly happy and safe and loved by another man would that make it easier?

Is this a familiar tale?

Pretty much.

does it get easier to leave love behind?

The younger you are and the less it's actually love in the full adult non fairytale sense, then yes the harder it is to leave behind. Even then you realise it was a blessing to have had that love in your life even if it's gone. Sometimes more time would have destroyed even the memory of it.

Thanks for reading...hope somebody can say something to get me out of the rut.

The easiest answer is to work out how you feel, what you want and then find out if she feels the same things and take it for there. Don't play games and have a laugh.

odarallo

I agree with Wibbs to be honest

Feelgood

I reckon Wibbs is Dr. Phil.....

odarallo

hehe Amasing advice though should be a relationship advisor or something always 100% on the advice!

Mwah Beijos Oda X

dudara

shambolic000 wrote: »

My mates are going away on a trip in a few weeks. I want to go with them. I told my girlfriend for a laugh that we would be gone 3 months(were only doing 2 weeks, still in the bad books for that, especially given i'll miss valentines).Anyway, It backfired. She more or less told me that she wouldnt hang around for 3 months. Doesnt that mean she would go looking for sex and cuddles elsewhere? Something inside me snapped, we are with eachother 2 and a half years. It has me wondering what the hell is love after a response like that. I dont know what to think. Maybe Ive been watching too many disney movies. Fairytales dont exist.

There is a possibility that she felt hurt and ignored when you told her that you wanted to go away for 3 months with your friends and this is what caused her to give out to you. Do you think that this might be a reason?

Wibbs

OP the trick with this and with 99% of all relationship problems is to try to put yourself in the other persons head. It really is that simple. Sometimes the answer isn't so comforting. Usually that's a sign it's working though.










Note to self: a fiver each to odarallo and FeelGood, though I'm hairy and skinny so the Dr. Phil comparisons are a big stretch.

Wibbs

dudara wrote: »

Do you think that this might be a reason?

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I honestly don't think he may be seeing that.

LegacyUser

Why did you say you were going away for three months if you were only going away for two weeks?

That's a bit mad.

Do you actually want to go away for three months, or are you just playing the maggot with her?

Lollipops23

Wibbs is right(again!) about the whole circumstances of your first relationship. I was 17,in school etc. Honestly believed we would be together forever, completely naive about the whole thing. I think at that age a lot of things can cause a break up, but i certainly learned a lot from it ending.In fact, me and him are still very good friends and have discussed the break up recently, and both apologised for the hurt we caused eachother.Great sense of closure, all those years on!(both now in our 20s)

I can kind of see why your GF would be a bit miffed at you casually dropping into conversation that you'd be away for "3 months"......especially if you've been together 2 years. Perhaps if going away for that long was really the case, and you had sat her down and discussed it with her she would have given you a differenet reaction!!It may just be me picking it up wrong, but maybe her "I'm not sticking around for ya" attitude is down to her being angry at the joke you played on her??

Bottom line is, do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?Do you really feel ready for a commitment after sowing your wild oats or are you feeling pressured into it?

Overheal

Lollipops23 wrote: »

sowing your wild oats

ewwww..... I just realised why the Ads tell you Guinness is alive inside >_<

It sounds like she's so defensive and angry is because she cares. Take it as a measure of her feelings for you. Imagine someone you're in love with turned around and called you all manner of vile spit. Now, imagine a drunk bum on the street saying the same thing. See? Its a big difference. Looks to me like she's been hurt and she's thrown up her spikey koopa shell.

AngryBadger

What's the issue here exactly? Is she breaking up with you because of some goofing about on your part? That's just retarded.

moco

You told her you were going away for 3 months to get a reaction and you got one. Of course she'd be pissed off and I'd say it was on impulse she said she wouldn't wait around for you.

Now you're just reading too much into it.

spinandscribble

so you acted like a jerk and lied to her for giggles and you're annoyed she took you seriously (with the object of lying being that they believe you) .

and then in a moment of weakness she shows her bf, who has just announced something, that she can hurt his feelings too. is that right??


op if this was a disney cartoon you would be taking her for a magic carpet ride, not LITERALLY a ride, ripping the piss outa her feelings. grown up.