is there something really wrong with me?

LegacyUser

ok so i've had some pretty **** relationships in the past. and i'm not talking about pining over 'they dont love me, etc'. i've had close friends, people i thought i could really rely on, drop me like i was nothing. i've gone through entire years like a ghost, not being seen or heard, and not wanting to.
i dont know if its a result of this, or just another occurence, but i'm just not right. i'm afraid of other people, i dont know how to socialise, i'm extremely paranoid, i snap over nothing, most of all i recoil from intimacy. i cant remember the last time i hugged someone and really meant it. if someone admits feelings for me i'm 'put off', so to speak. i'm obsessive, with a short attention span and slightly twitchy. its embarassing to say but sometimes i go into fits of crying or screaming in frustration. at the worst of times i claw at my head, and i have the scabs to prove it
i really dont know what to make of all this. i dont want to live my life like a maniac. but my biggest problem is i'm frightened of people knowing. i dont want to tell my parents because they always think i'm lying when i'm being honest. is there anywhere i can go anonymously or something?

Overheal

Seperation anxiety? I've moved a dozen times, 3 times zones (-9, -5, and 0!), and my last home fell apart after my stepmother died. I could understand the anxiety of trying to establish meaningful relationships when it eats at you that it wont last. Like college: a lot of the time I find it hard, knowing everyone i meet here I will likely never see again after the fact: my chosen profession involves going abroad to find work (games development) and its a big industry worldwide. No telling whos going to go where...

I'm wondering if thats the issue anyway?

Liam Byrne

OK, so despite this odd view of yourself where you're focussing on whether people "drop you like you were nothing", you also manage to say that

if someone admits feelings for me i'm 'put off', so to speak

The way I see it, that implies that someone, or some people, along the way have admitted to having feelings for you, yes ? So therefore you can't be as bad as you seem to think.

The paranoid/snap over nothing/short attention span/obsessive pattern implies that you are stressed, maybe even a bit depressed, over something.....if so, stand back from that for a second and see if you can do anything about it; there's no point stressing over something over which you have no control, but if there's something you can do then take control, do it and get the feeling of helplessness or overwhelming out of the way.

Recoiling from intimacy is a difficult one, but I'd say two things; firstly, it reflects the fact that what you said in the thread title is playing on your mind - you can't let someone accept you fully if you don't accept yourself - but it also implies again that you've had potential intimacy to recoil from, so again there has obviously been someone who really cared about you, and you "recoiled" from, for you to notice this trait. And if you "recoil", they might understandably back off, thereby adding to the problem of you viewing people as "letting you down".

So have a look at yourself closely; see whether those people who "dropped you like you were nothing" did have a reason (don't analyse it to death, just look at it and see if you can spot something that you can learn from) and also ask yourself whether it's possible that THEY were (part of) the problem. You might - and I don't mean to be rude here in any way, I don't know you, so I can't say either way - but you might find that you have to take some of the blame (and have something that you should work on) but likewise you might be blaming yourself for little or nothing.

We all go through ups and downs, and someone once said that if you never had a down you wouldn't appreciate an up. Likewise, we all meet people along the way that might not be worth knowing; if we focussed on those, we wouldn't bother meeting any new people, but bear in mind that we all have some close friends that we would never have met if we approached things that way.

So flip over the post (glass half-empty vs glass half full), and you could easily phrase your post as follows:

I've had some pretty **** relationships in the past; the same, I guess as most people. People i thought i could really rely on I couldn't, and I know that can happen due to lots of things - because of me, them, their priorities, or a basic incompatibility that isn't actually anyone's fault.

I know I'm not a bad person, because some people have admitted feelings for me along the way, but I can never fully accept those feelings and tend to push those people away.

I'm also feeling stressed, and thinking or panicking about this probably isn't helping me think straight either.

I don't mean to be flippant; I'm just throwing this in a different light.....you felt like those people dropped you "like you were nothing", but you don't know that. You think that - maybe because of that feeling - there's something wrong with you, and despite the fact that people have admitted feelings for you, you won't let them in....why ? In case they'd "drop you too", after you let them in ? Who says they will ? Who says that the "people" you've met to date haven't been the ones who were wrong, and that one person might be different ?

I don't want to make out that you're perfect - I don't know you, and besides, none of us are - but the only thing I can see that's currently - and hopefully temporarily - "wrong" is that you're completely blaming yourself for those "close friends" actions (were they really close friends if they did that ? I've majorly pissed off some close friends at times along the way and would've excused them if they'd dumped me over it, but they didn't) and now you're letting it affect all of your judgements, including people - as you admitted yourself - who have admitted feelings for you.

Oryx

If this has built up over years, and youve felt like this for a long time, its going to take time and help to get out of this as well. Its not something you can realistically hope to achieve alone, even though you might feel you want to, or have to.

Dont ever feel that you have to behave in a particular way to be normal (hugging etc) you do what is right for you, as long as you are happy. Clearly youre not happy now, but you may find part of the answer is not changing to fit others expectations, but learning to live with how you are.

Do you have anyone you can speak to? A sibling, relative or friend? If not your doctor or a service like aware or the samaritans could be a starting point in beginning to talk this out and solve it. I know these places may not seem like a perfect 'fit' but you may get a further recommendation on where to go for help.

If nothing else, there are impartial people here you can always talk to.