ExCon Uncle Returns Home

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I have a bit of a problem at the moment, so going unreg.
Background first though...
My Uncle left Ireland in the mid90`s to join his brothers in the States to work and live.
However, a year or so after arriving, he got in some trouble and ended up in prison over there.
He was 18 years old then i think.
He`s now been released after 10ish years in prison and has been deported back to Ireland this week.
Theres not much age difference between us, despite him being my uncle. I am mid20`s, he is late 20`s. We were close(ish) when we were kids, but not for a few years before he left, when i was early teens and he was late teens. And then we havent spoken since he went to the states 12 years or so ago.
Also, my uncle isnt fully there, if u know what i mean, he hasnt got the full mental capacity of an adult his age, more like a young teenager(13-16), or so im told by my mum and uncles, who wouldnt lie about such things. I have yet to meet him since he got back to see myself.

Anyway, the problem is this. All of his brothers and sisters have settled and have families and are spread around both ireland and the world. He has no contact with friends from his teenage days in ireland. The nearest in age to him that he knows is myself.
I live in Dublin, for years now, due to uni and then work.
He has just moved into a care house in Dublin to readjust to life outside prison for a couple of weeks, after which time he will get a place of his own in the city. My mum asked me to call him and say hello so i did last night, we chatted for a bit, and then i told him i would prob see him when we met up in my parents or grandparents over the weekend, thats all fine.
So, then i get a text today from him(he has my number since i called him last night) and it reads "Watz up? Can u do me a big favr i need a girlfriend as it has been 10 yrs since ive kissed a girl. I will owe u 1"
So what the hell am i supposed to do now? I have a gf of my own, most of my friends are settled too, so any socialising i do is with them or with work friends. The only single girls i know are either work colleagues, friends of girlfriends and a few others. And im not about to introduce any of them to my uncle, who i dont know from adam. And i have neither the time or energy to be taking him out to pubs and clubs to try and help him hook up. I hardly drink, and hate that scene anyway.
Any suggestions? I dont wanna hurt the man, i cant imagine his situation or feelings, but im not doing any babysitting.

spinandscribble

just say you cant get him a gf things dont work like that at this age. besides you cant expect a fully mentally capable women from work ect to go out with a grown man who thinks like a 13 year old and is after just sex.
its a tricky one but i'd go with you dont know any single women but that his best bet is to join a sports club and meet mates to go clubbing with there.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Just say "I can't find you a girlfriend, what, do I look like some sort of pimp?" In a non-angry "for f*ck sake man" kinda way.

I wouldn't go calling him much, he might be your uncle but this sounds like bad news to me. Be very careful about letting him get close to you. Others aren't gonna give him much time so you don't want him becoming dependent on you.

I could be completely wrong but it seems a bit like your mum got you to call him to take some responsibility away from her.

HashSlinging

How do you know what mental age he has, has he been assesed by anyone. its been 10 years since he's been home, Maybe he's looking for a hooker.. 10 years !! think about it.

Give him a break he's done his time, maybe your mum thinks you'd have similar interests or something, bring him out for a few beers aint gonna hurt anyone.

Ceid Mile Fáilte and all that.

King of Kings

dude - i'm reading into your post here - so forgive me if i mis understand you - but i get a feeling that you don't want to be part of this guys life .
I find that a tad mean tbh.

He's done 10 years in jail.
you've no idea what his mental state is cos i doubt your relatives have seen much of him when he was inside. So don't believe them. Anyway relative are full of sh*ite when it comes to that stuff.
Bring him out on the lash - go to a club - be his wingman. that's all he is asking.
treat him with the respect a relative in need deserves. he may turn out to be quite sound.

no need to have him encroach on your territory with your mighty fine pals.

SarahMc

Do not take the above advice, do not go out on the lash with him.

As the above poster said, you have no idea of his mental state. He was in prison for 10 years, must have been pretty serious.

Also he texts you after a casual visit asking you to find him a girlfriend!

Do not think of setting him up with someone. Do continue to visit him, but keep a safe non-intimate distance.

Cathmandooo

I'd agree that your relatives could be exagerrating his state of mind, how do they know what he's like? He's been locked up for 10 years, it's bound to affect him! I doubt he's looking for a girlfriend, he probably just wants to hook up with a girl. Can you blame him? Maybe get a few of your male friends and you to go out for a few beers with him. Decide yourself what you think of him, don't let others influence you too much. He's been punished for whatever he did, don't punish the man further!

Miss Fluff

Tbh I'd keep a distance and keep meeting up with him restricted to family functions etc. Don't know why people are glossing over the fact that he's done a 10 year stretch. You can get a better of idea of who he is and where he is coming from then with family around you. I sense a cling-on situation here so I wouldn't give him too much encouragement at this juncture. Be pleasant etc but keep your distance. Also, reply to him and just tell him you don't know many girls or whatever.

Bottle_of_Smoke

King of Kings wrote: »

dude - i'm reading into your post here - so forgive me if i mis understand you - but i get a feeling that you don't want to be part of this guys life .
I find that a tad mean tbh.

I'd see that as perfectly acceptable.

pirelli

You were friends in your teens and that might be why an old friend is looking you up.He might have a degree from America while in jail or a trade skill.All he can do is adapt with those skills into his old life. He isnt looking for anything from you and has more than paid what ever debt he owed or deterrent value he served for what ever foreign societies rules or culture required it. Can u imagine an irish person getting ten years in the nineties in ireland. America is extremely strict. You can get ten years for anything over there. I dont think we are fit to judge someone who has redeemed himself to a society that is so strict as America where the irish equivalant could be a non - custodial sentence.That is like saying ten years ago my mate or worse still family member was bound to the peace for a couple of years .What would it be like to go about asking complete strangers whether I should have anything to do with my mate . Your hardly being reasonable. You are family and it seems to me that people dont like the word rehabilitation or rehab or mentally challenged or people that have been estranged from society. So maybe the uncle nephew relationship sounds unusual but only because he is mentally challenged. It is pure prejudice that your being fed. If you didnt put across he was mentally challenged there would be a very different response. In your situation is like all other situations you have to deal with the fact that he is mentally challenged and accept him for who he is. My family has a lovely kid my nephew who has cerebral palsy. We have to love and accept him and i hope you understand that if that means helping him survive well that is what blood does. Your family.

Hrududu

He isnt looking for anything from you

You mean aside from a woman? I'd keep my distance too.

Beruthiel

NotSure wrote: »

The only single girls i know are either work colleagues, friends of girlfriends and a few others. And im not about to introduce any of them to my uncle, who i dont know from adam. And i have neither the time or energy to be taking him out to pubs and clubs to try and help him hook up. I hardly drink, and hate that scene anyway.
Any suggestions? I dont wanna hurt the man, i cant imagine his situation or feelings, but im not doing any babysitting.

Do not feel oblidged to do anything more than you want to.
If he want's a girlfriend, let him go out and find one like everyone else has to.
Be honest with him, tell him you don't go out much to the pubs and you have no idea where to find him a g/f.
Dublin's full of places to go, after 10 years in prison you'd think he'd be out every night to make up for lost time.
Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you have to help them unless you want to do so.

Bendihorse

Id direct him to Leeson street TBH, i would be very fearful of how he might treat a girl he would meet on a night out if they ended up in a situation alone and she were to refuse sex... Maybe im jumping the gun but given the fact that hes done 10 years hard time, you dont know what hes capable of.

WindSock

I'd agree, direct him towards a sex worker so he can get his first shag with a woman in 10 years out of his system.
The guy is trying to re-adapt to living in the world again. He may be lonely and looking for a friend. He has no one and he needs support until he can get back up on his feet.

pirelli

Bendihorse wrote: »

Id direct him to Leeson street TBH, i would be very fearful of how he might treat a girl he would meet on a night out if they ended up in a situation alone and she were to refuse sex... Maybe im jumping the gun but given the fact that hes done 10 years hard time, you dont know what hes capable of.

You take the biscuit, Prison makes you tough but not evil and certainly you dont lose control of yourself like that. The OP should have more sense to give out so many details in the first place to trash a recently returned irish citizen. Heartless no wonder he got into trouble coming from such a cruel family, did you write him when he was in jail, no your too selfish and did you visit , no maybe one person did but that was all you were going to spend ,did you defend his case and pay his fees, maybe your family paid some money but it's not as if you mortgaged the house for the young man. Going on boards.ie to spread gossip about the country was pretty damn thoughtless. Anyway it would be good if some good came from it.

Bendihorse:
With a name like bendihorse it is obvious your were a jailhouse rockin chair for big bubba. Even if the man was molested by violence or stitched up doesnt mean he isnt the same charming individual he always was just with some emotional scars. Leeson street or any place like that is to be avoided that would damage his status in ireland.

Marksie

Pirelli: deal with the post not the poster.

odarallo

it is a bit of a tough one to be honest, if he is not "fully there" you need to be carefull how you handle it. Maybe you could take him out with you on a night out to the club or something, im sure he didnt litrely bring a girl of to his place and hope they get married. He probably meant it in a way where he would like to go out for drinks and meet some girls.

If thats to much to handle then just say to him honestly, " I dont know any single girls at the moment" and take it from there.

Tchao

Oda

Lemming

WindSock wrote: »

The guy is trying to re-adapt to living in the world again. He may be lonely and looking for a friend. He has no one and he needs support until he can get back up on his feet.

There's been a lot of people saying "stay away" etc. Have you considered that the above comment is perhaps partly why he's come to you? Most likely everyone else in the family has shunned him already hoping he'll go away and not be a burden on them.

By all means be careful to see what the lad is like after so long, but lets not lose the run of ourselves here and proclaim him an axe-murdering psycho or something without seeing where he's at.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I have thought about things further and have taken your ideas into consideration.
I just replied telling him i dont know any single girls right now and that i dont go out much, very busy with work etc, which is true.
So i`ll just play it by ear now and keep in touch with him, as i would the rest of my relatives.
There was never any question of me or his family ignoring him.

Mods, can you please lock this thread now.
Thanks again.

King of Kings

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'd see that as perfectly acceptable.

its mean. he is his uncle and probably quite lonely. A bit of kindness wouldn't hurt.

sarahMc wrote: »

Do not take the above advice, do not go out on the lash with him.

As the above poster said, you have no idea of his mental state. He was in prison for 10 years, must have been pretty serious.

Also he texts you after a casual visit asking you to find him a girlfriend!

Do not think of setting him up with someone. Do continue to visit him, but keep a safe non-intimate distance.

wtf?
ARE YOU FOR REAL?
cos he did time in prison he should be shunned forevermore?
what hope has he of ever integrating into society with attitudes like yours,.

but keep a safe non-intimate distance.

funny. i hope you're taking the mick with advise like that you should ....ah whatever (throw hat at sarahmc)

Bottle_of_Smoke

NotSure wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I have thought about things further and have taken your ideas into consideration.
I just replied telling him i dont know any single girls right now and that i dont go out much, very busy with work etc, which is true.
So i`ll just play it by ear now and keep in touch with him, as i would the rest of my relatives.
There was never any question of me or his family ignoring him.

Mods, can you please lock this thread now.
Thanks again.

Glad to hear it's working ok. Though I think if he brings it up again you need to tell him he has to find his own girls. Which he does!

King of Kings, I see what your saying, though I think it would need a strong person to make sure they don't get in over their head. I totally disagree with shunning him completely but you have to be careful with someone who's done that long inside.

spurious

If this guy has been locked up since he was about 18, it's perfectly possible that he genuinely doesn't have a clue how to go about the dating thing. If he is a bit slow, this will be made even more difficult for him. He has missed out on the years when most of us make a fool of ourselves repeatedly until we develop the smooth sophisticated approach we all have now.;)

I say give him a chance unless he gives you reason to think otherwise.

l3LoWnA

Jeez - I hope this guy has got laid by now. Ten years - poor chap! He may have been wondering where he could find a prostitute for the night, did you ask him what he meant? Chances are, he wouldn't want to let a potential "girlfriend" be his first after a 10 year stretch anyways because the performance would more than likely be over in a matter of seconds which could be a litte embarrassing.....

He might (will have to....) get his own little Social Life going but touch in with him every now and again just to check how he's doing. Of course you can't find him a girlfriend. That's ridiculous.

OP - Just as a matter of interest, when you called in to see him did YOU personally find that he had the mental capability of a 13 year old? Was it like having a conversation with a child? Just interested to see if indeed your uncle is slow or if your older relatives are exagerrating. I often say my brother in law has the intelligence of a 2 year old, but of course I'm exageratting (a small bit.....)