messed up

the14me

22, with bf 2yrs , madly in love and pregnant
yep-pregnant
feel like my entire life is ruined. living at home and in my last yr of college. bf , 24, renting.
just dont know where to go from here . went to councelling in well woman, didnt help much, all i know is i do not want an abortion, i couldnt do that, but what now.
i still havent went to the doctor, think im afraid to accept it.
although my life is baasically over now for the next 18yrs- socially that is, - its the finance side that worries me. and of course telling the parents.
my bf's really supportive but for some rreason i feel alone and the time i need to tell my friends, i just wouldnt feel comfortable right now discussing it with them
how do i go on with this, & what will i be entitled to, will i cope??
my bf's sayin we'll move in together etc but is this really possible with rent & house prices these days. basically, its the welfare of the unborn child & bein able to provide that im worried about more so than my social life & not bein able to do certain things etc
not sure what i really want out of posting this, but its good to get this off my chest and maybe some of u can give some advice or have been here yourselves
thanks for reading

remus808

Hi, sorry to hear of your predicament.. Unexpected pregnancy is always going to be heard to deal with so young! Especially when your in your final year! Do you think you would consider adoption? If you don't feel that your in a position to raise a child there are always going to be many prospective good homes out there..

If you do decide to keep the baby I'm sure you will cope however. It is not 'the end of the world', there are plenty of people who will have been in your position and i'm sure they'd say they had no regrets! You will still be able to complete your degree, and if the boyfriend is as supportive as you say he is you should be able to manage fine. I'm not sure of what benefit entitlments you'd be eligible for

One suggestion I'd have is that maybe you should try speaking to people who have been in similar positions to yours? Will help you make sense of things..

Just out of curiousity, was it completely out of the blue? i.e. had you been using birth control?

Nevyn

I was just finished my final year of college turned 22 and I became pregant with my first child.

I did my exams and started my new job and was 4 weeks there when I found I was 4 weeks pregnant.

It's not the end of the world, it's not what you planned but it could be a lot worse.
You are 22 not 16.

The first two years are hard but trust me you will have a social life, mine adjusted while they were small but I never didn't have a social life.

Well do you want to move in together ?
Why don't you sit down and do the maths and see if you can figure it out.
You may be able to get help more then what you think

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/social-welfare-payments-to-families-and-children

So congratulations on going to be a Mammy and honestly the worries about the child and wanting to do the best for them don't go away after they are born and according to my mother don't go away at all and are normal.

As you have decided to continue the pregnancy there maybe other support groups
that will be able to help www.positiveoptions.ie

look at it this way by the time your child is 7 you won't even be 30 and with the average lifesapnd beeing 70 years you have plenty of time to live your life.

Nevyn

karmabass wrote: »

Just out of curiousity, was it completely out of the blue? i.e. had you been using birth control?

That really doesn't matter tbh.

remus808

^^

Great advice from someone who's been there

Thaedydal wrote: »

That really doesn't matter tbh.

Yeah sorry was a little irrelevant, was more of a personal query.. for uhm, personal reasons.. Suppose you could say stuff like this makes me anxious, being that bit younger than the poster!

embee

the14me wrote: »

22, with bf 2yrs , madly in love and pregnant
yep-pregnant
feel like my entire life is ruined. living at home and in my last yr of college. bf , 24, renting.
just dont know where to go from here . went to councelling in well woman, didnt help much, all i know is i do not want an abortion, i couldnt do that, but what now.
i still havent went to the doctor, think im afraid to accept it.
although my life is baasically over now for the next 18yrs- socially that is, - its the finance side that worries me. and of course telling the parents.
my bf's really supportive but for some rreason i feel alone and the time i need to tell my friends, i just wouldnt feel comfortable right now discussing it with them
how do i go on with this, & what will i be entitled to, will i cope??
my bf's sayin we'll move in together etc but is this really possible with rent & house prices these days. basically, its the welfare of the unborn child & bein able to provide that im worried about more so than my social life & not bein able to do certain things etc
not sure what i really want out of posting this, but its good to get this off my chest and maybe some of u can give some advice or have been here yourselves
thanks for reading

Hi OP,

First things first - your life is by no means ruined, it is just taking an unexpected course.

You are luckier than a lot of women in your situation. Crucially, your boyfriend is onboard and is fully supportive. This is going to make a world of difference to you.

You said that you are nearly finished college - you'll be finished before your baby arrives? That is good... you would be in a worse situation if you were only just starting out at college. I don't know where you are based so I can't really comment on rent prices etc., but it could be worth talking to your local Welfare Officer to see if ye are entitled to rent allowance etc. Child Benefit is €160 per month. You will also get the Early Childcare Supplement, which is €1,100 euro per year until your childs 6th birthday - that on its own is almost 3k a year before you get rent allowance. It mightn't sound like much, but 160 a month will easily feed and clothe a child.

Your GP visits when you are pregnant are free of charge, as are your hospital visits and your stay in hospital when you do have your baby. Immunisations are free of charge. Talk to your GP about medical card eligibility.

You can, if you are so inclined, spend an absolute fortune on stuff for the baby before its born, but really, they need very little other than somewhere to sleep, suitable indoor and outdoor clothes, a clean bum, food and most importantly, lots of love. If you really need a buggy, perhaps that can be suggested as a gift from both sets of parents? A secondhand cot will do the job in terms of sleeping (I would buy a new mattress though) - in the early days you could loan a moses basket off someone (but babies can sleep fine in a cot from day 1). You don't need to buy a baby bath or a changing stand or any of that stuff - newborn babies can be washed in sinks and then upgraded to the big bath once they're old enough. People will buy you tons and tons of clothes and toys - I have clothes in my wardrobe for a newborn baby that have never, ever been put on my daughter, who is nearly 2. I also do a clear out every couple of months and bring baby clothes to Oxfam (these are decent clothes and are only given away because kids grow so quickly). Penneys is fine for the essentials - you shouldn't spend a fortune on the basics because they get washed over and over again. There are sooo many ways to cut corners and save money.

It is doable. I am in college now with no income other than childrens benefit and the early childcare supplement, and I am doing okay. It is tough going sometimes and I have had to sacrifice my social life, but I'm busy anyway. You will get through this though.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

My mother got pregnant at the age of 21 while she was doing her degree. She left, got married, had 3 children by 30. My mother was very successful in her career even without a degree. My brother became a Dad at 19, he got on with it. My mother was 40 and a granny, when she was 42, I was 18 she came to me and said she thought she was pregnant, she did a test and it was positive! My mother is now 48 I have 2 brothers and a 5 year old sister my mother is currently is her last year of her open university degree. Children dont stop you doing things.

One thing tha worries me is your boyfriend. I have read your previous posts and you state your boyfriend already has a child and he shows little interest in her. You need to sit him down and talk about it, make sure hes not going to do the same again.

Best of luck, you'll be fine just like lots of other women have been

the14me

thanks for the replies, i suppose i need reassurance more than anything!!
1 things for sure i'm going to love it and do my absolute best for this child. thanks for the tips embee!
i really dont think i would be able to give it up for adoption.
when should i go to the doctor etc and is that all free even without medical card??
i know its so stupid but i cant help worrying about the reactions of other people. friends. neighbours, relations.
My bf says we will have it all planned out by the time we break the news and we'll prove the doubters wrong. he's great like that but sometimes a bit unrealistic perhaps?!? we had always spoke about moving in together as soon as i was working full time but it was more looking forward - not now!!
we've been through alot together already & have a great relationship, but of course, a child could possibly change all that. im just so worried about everything theres so much to think about. although my parents are going to be extremely disappointed i know they will be supportive of me... eventually..

the14me

in relation to that i am proud to say i have sort of changed him!!
he has come round and now we take the child from time to time while his mother has her a few days every week. obviously to u it looks bad , i understand, but this is a good guy and very supportive,
he was young before and i suppose bein a immature man suppressing his emotions..resenting the child because of his dislike for the mother. also the grandparents, his parents, not letting him deal with the situation didnt help. they should have stepped back and let him step up- which is still evident.
thank god that has changed and hes getting better all the time.
anyway this is not what im worried about right now!

embee

the14me wrote: »

thanks for the replies, i suppose i need reassurance more than anything!!
1 things for sure i'm going to love it and do my absolute best for this child. thanks for the tips embee!
i really dont think i would be able to give it up for adoption.
when should i go to the doctor etc and is that all free even without medical card??
i know its so stupid but i cant help worrying about the reactions of other people. friends. neighbours, relations.
My bf says we will have it all planned out by the time we break the news and we'll prove the doubters wrong. he's great like that but sometimes a bit unrealistic perhaps?!? we had always spoke about moving in together as soon as i was working full time but it was more looking forward - not now!!
we've been through alot together already & have a great relationship, but of course, a child could possibly change all that. im just so worried about everything theres so much to think about. although my parents are going to be extremely disappointed i know they will be supportive of me... eventually..

Hi OP,

Go to your GP asap. You won't get the free visits until your GP confirms the pregnancy in his/her surgery. You will pay for the first visit, but after that, pregnancy related visits are free (if you are sick for reasons other than your pregnancy during your pregnancy, you will have to pay for those).

Your GP will also give you advice on booking in with your maternity hospital of choice. You should do that as a matter of urgency because a lot of the hospitals are inundated and you want to book in with the midwives and your consultant as early as possible so you can get to know them. You'll have a booking appt at the hospital when you are 12-16 weeks - this usually includes a scan so your bf will prob want to attend that one.

Start taking folic acid supplements also asap - ideally from tomorrow morning onwards, as folic acid deficiency can cause neural tube defects such as spina bifida. I took a supplement called Pregnacare once every morning with my breakfast - found other supplements a bit hard on my stomach.

the14me

pregnacare is the 1 im on now, i took it from about 3 wks after conception, is that too late?? thats another side of things im very worried about

miju

6 years ago we had the same bolt out of the blue, we were both 18 at the time and only with each other 3 months. dreaded telling the parents / grandparents as we feared WW3 would break out. Quite the opposite occured and they all rallied around and supported us (to our suprise)

7 years later we're still going strong , living together and alls well (touch wood). at the time we both felt the same that lives were over and so on. we soon realised that we could still stick to our plans but the plans just take a little bit longer.

i'm not really good with the whole advice thing. but just basically wanted to say that things are never as bad as they seem and your life is definitely far from being over so you would do well to try get that thought out of your head and reduce your stress at the same time

best of luck and congrats

Nevyn

the14me wrote: »

pregnacare is the 1 im on now, i took it from about 3 wks after conception, is that too late?? thats another side of things im very worried about

I also took pregnacare after both my pregnancy's were confirmed, that was a wise thing of you to start doing.

Lizzykins

I was 41 having my fourth child. I thought my life was over.My other three were nearly teenagers at the time. Four years later and I have a part time job and a great life. Like so many others have said life is changed not ended. Good advice from someone to buy in Penneys and borrow when and where you can. Babies don't stay small for long!
Don't mind what anyone else says or thinks. You will finish your degree and be qualified-I don't even have third level education! Good thing is that your boyfriend is supportive. My hubby was devastated at the thoughts of being a Dad in middle age but came around! Best of luck!

MarkR

More of a continuation to what's already been said, but at least you are at the stage in life where you can support a child, unlike some 12-16 year olds who do get pregnant and somehow manage.

Speak to your parents about it, as while they may not have expected it most get quite supportive once the idea of grandchildren come around.

Don't worry about expenses, as above their immediate concerns aren't that bad when you work it out!

Congrats on your pregnancy, I hope everything works out well.

LegacyUser

i was 19 when i got pregnant and in college. i defered college for a couple of years but went back and got my degree. now am just waiting for my affordable housing to come through.... i broke up with my sons father but he still an active part of his life.... my son is healthy and happy.... i have a good job and plenty of money saved. i no longer struggle to pay bills and can easily afford to treat my son and myself. i dont go out every weekend maybe every second weekend...

when i first got pregnant i thought my whole world was falling down around me, when they put my son in my arms my first thought was i am responsible for this baby.... it took me months to get used to it but i got there. the worst thing i ever had to do was tell my parents....they got used to it eventually....i have lived in council housing( not putting down council housing just the paticular place i was allocated) and it hasnt been great but i made a promise to get myself and my son out of it and ill be out within a matter of months....(yipppeee)

its amazing just how strong and resourceful you will become when you have a child. you will do everything in your power to ensure your childs safety and well being....

finish college.... there is creches and grants out there.. get a lone parents payment if you have to...its not much but it gets you by and even though i struggled along through college i got there.

its not the worst thing that can happen to you. one day you will turn around and realise its probably the best thing that has every happened to you.

GOOD LUCK