Monday Smiles.

Hagar

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.".
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

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On a hot summer day, a redneck cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following.
He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.
The redneck cowboy said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; she's cool cause I got'er tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred.
"No way", the redneck cowboys says, "dog don't need bread, she's not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin".
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

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A woman walked into a pet store. "I haven't got much money," she told the clerk.
"Would you let a kitten go cheap?"
"I'd let them, ma'am," the clerk said. "But they'd prefer to meow.

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A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who wanted
to know how much he charged for a house call.
"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.
"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.
"Fifteen dollars."
"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."

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Sitting Pretty:

Sitting Bull's gay brother.

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David Beckham was teaching his new son Romeo the finer points about soccer.
After a while Romeo asked his Dad what number he should have on his uniform when he starts playing for a team.
David replied................."Wear 4 out there Romeo."

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Two friends, a white guy and a black guy went to the doctor.
Both were desperate for help.
The white man kept changing colour , pink, green, yellow, white etc. he felt like a lava lamp.
The black guy just could not stop moving around he ran around the room one way, then he ran around the other way - he was getting dizzy. Help - they both said!!
The doctor mixed up some white lquid in water and told them both the drink it down.
Just like magic, the white man got his colour back - phew! The black man stood still - phew! They could not believe it.
"Wow, what did you give us" they asked.
"New Liquid Ariel" replied the doctor.
It keep your whites white, and stops your coloureds from running!!